rippedinsides Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 I hope I can be coherent and understandable. My brain is in a whirl. While doing a server upgrade of official e-mail, I stumbled upon some e-mails of my ex to a girl. Nothing really controversial. The e-mails were over the last 3 months. I know it is wrong of me, but I couldn't stop myself from seeing them. I know I need to be kicked for doing this and it is breach of his privacy and I shouldn't have done it. I know. And I'm not happy with myself for doing it. I wouldn't have even looked at them if it wasn't for the fact that there was one e-mail that was a romantic card sent to him. That was when I opened up a couple of mails between them. To put it briefly, the mails seem like they've been talking a lot over the past 3 months but it's been on a level of friends. She sent him one mail reminiscing of when they first met. In that mail she said that she agreed that he began to notice her. But the mail was only on a "friends" level. She has sent him a couple of photographs of herself with friends and he responded and said that she looks cute. And towards the end of January he sent her a couple of photographs of himself. (And when we were in a relationship I actually had to beg him for pictures which he wouldn't send me anyway!!!) Anyway...towards the end of December she sent him a mail telling him that she feels he doesn't want to talk to her anymore and they are having a lot of misunderstandings. It was after that, that he sent her his pictures. A week ago, she sent him the romantic e-card (as I mentioned at the start of this post). The note to him in that was as below: "I can't be a special person in your life because you don't want me to be. But I love you very much." I couldn't finish the server upgrade or the backups and left it to the rest of the team. I'm in a horrible state. I know that he is my EX and not my CURRENT BF. But I don't know...this is just too much to handle. Based on that e-card, it's clear that the feeling is one-sided. But I'm very disturbed. He goes on that he wants to keep in touch with me. He tells me that his problem is with commitment and that he really cares for me and there are times he does tell me that he loves me. I'm supposed to be there for him and help him be successful in things he does, even now. I've always been there and he expects it even now after breaking up with me. But this has really shaken me. Should I ignore it or should I ask him about it? Because he keeps on telling me there is no one else. I really don't know what to think or believe anymore. I'm going mad!!! Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 See my post in other thread. Ignore him. You are not healing yourself by making yourself available to him. He cannot miss you if you don't go away --- let him see what life is like w/ out you in it. And while this other chick was after him -- he clearly wasn't interested. Link to comment
rippedinsides Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 See my post in other thread. Ignore him. You are not healing yourself by making yourself available to him. He cannot miss you if you don't go away --- let him see what life is like w/ out you in it. And while this other chick was after him -- he clearly wasn't interested. I don't know...there are so many things involved. We work together. And for 6 years I've helped him out in virtually everything. Right from his seminars down to getting his bills paid, etc. And if I back off right now, at a point of time where there are multiple critical cases he is dealing with in the hospital, I'm very afraid that it might disturb him badly and it might impact the lives of those people. He can't manage without me - he knows it and I know it and he knows that I know it. And I dont know...but it would feel awful to use that weakness against him. That's the ONLY reason I'm holding on. I feel like I'm trapped in some sort of mire that I'm not able to get out of. I'm just thinking of those people's lives. And since he is the only specialist in that particular field in our hospital and since he's started on these cases, and I've seen the criticality of these, I don't want to shake him emotionally when he is dealing with them. I'm relaly going crazy. I feel like if I ignore him, I'm damned and if I don't I'm damned. About the other girl, it shook me because a few years back there was another girl to whom he started getting close and she fell in love with him and a whole lot of crap happened. I'm afraid it may happen again. Because when he got into trouble, I got him out of it. He knows that too. There was something I did and helped him out, and he told me that if he had as much courage as I did, he would have married me long back. I'm so afraid that this is also going to go further and mess things up. My brain is in a whirl. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 He is using you. Period. For work, emotionally -- etc, etc. If he wants to step up to the plate, fine. But he doesn't get you in the entire rest of his life -- and not be willing to commit. Link to comment
rippedinsides Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 He is using you. Period. For work, emotionally -- etc, etc. If he wants to step up to the plate, fine. But he doesn't get you in the entire rest of his life -- and not be willing to commit. That's the only thing he seems to want me for. There are times I get so frustrated. But then I keep thinking of the people who will be impacted and it freaks me out. In my other post where I mentioned that he told me one day "I love you but I don't love you the way you love me", etc., there was also another thing that he said. He told me that he would like to meet me up for coffee, etc. But he wants no talk of marriage or commitment. And when we spoke yesterday, over call he said the same thing - that he would never get married. But at the same time he also told me one day not to give up hope and things might work out. I'm worried that if I back off, I may lose him forever. At times I understand his reasons why he doesnt want to commit. But then I think he needs to be fair to me too. THere are times I feel like he wants to continue getting all the benefits he earlier got out of a relationship with me but doesn't want to give me back anything in return. Once he told me that I'm expecting too much from him if I expect him to commit. So I asked him if he had a sister, and if some guy had to tell his sister the same thing after being with her for 6 years, would he accept it? He said he wouldn't. BUt it's this way just in my case Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 He is jerking your chain. He has told you he won't marry you -- and in the same breath, tells you not to give up hope. That is bs. You cannot lose what you don't have. He is not yours. He is being clear -- and you are not listening. You have no responsibility to anyone but you. They are his patients. If he needs to HIRE someone to do what you are doing for free, let him. You are choosing to make yourself miserable. Link to comment
rippedinsides Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 He is jerking your chain. He has told you he won't marry you -- and in the same breath, tells you not to give up hope. That is bs. You cannot lose what you don't have. He is not yours. He is being clear -- and you are not listening. You have no responsibility to anyone but you. They are his patients. If he needs to HIRE someone to do what you are doing for free, let him. You are choosing to make yourself miserable. I wish a bolt of lightening would strike me down and put me out of this misery I know the problem basically is with ME. When we started off, things were fine. But somewhere along the line I became the provider and reversed the roles. I kept giving and giving of myself. And he began to take me for granted. He knows my weaknesses and he knows how much I love him. So he knows that even if I tell him that I'm going to let him go, I probably won't do it because my heart is with him. And that's why he can brazenly do whatever he wants and know that I will be there in the sidelines, waiting to pick up the pieces. If I had to stand up for myself right from the start, I guess things would have been different. I've been through abuse when I was a child and that's completely stifled my sense of expression, confidence and much more. That experience has also stifled my ability to break free from situations or people that hurt me, because the fear of rejection, repercussions and more pain is always there. I'm finding it so very hard to break free from this guy. Link to comment
LoveHim Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 First off, you have to stop thinking this way...it's BS. He can manage without you, he did fine before you came along and he will do fine once you leave his life. You need to remove yourself from his life, you enable him. If you want to heal and you want to move on then you need to cut ties between the two of you...other than business related. THIS is why you never date co-workers! That should be the #1 rule of dating...no co-workers! It is completely obvious that he doesn't feel the same about this girl, bringing these messages up to him won't do anything but harm. He doesn't like her, he can't control how this girl feels about him and either can you. It is unnecessary drama! The reason he says there isn't someone else is because there isn't...he doesn't fancy anyone at the moment. He can't control how others feel about him, if someone likes you...that doesn't mean you have to like them back. Trust him when he says there is no one else. You can't force someone with commitment issues into a relationship. Having you there to help him with his life doesn't make him miss you or want you, you have to remove yourself from his personal life in order for him to miss you. Link to comment
LoveHim Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 He is using you. He knows he can. Now is the time you stop making excuses and stand up for yourself....Stop helping him with life and move on!! Link to comment
rippedinsides Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 You can't force someone with commitment issues into a relationship. Having you there to help him with his life doesn't make him miss you or want you, you have to remove yourself from his personal life in order for him to miss you. How long does it take a person to miss someone they've been with for 6 years and then broken up with? Just trying to prepare myself. I guess the worst case scenario would be "never". But I hate to think that he would "never" miss me and appreciate me. There are times he verbally tells me that he "appreciates" me. But then in actions....it's all empty. Do you think a person might never miss someone who they were with all these years? Link to comment
rippedinsides Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 He is using you. He knows he can. Now is the time you stop making excuses and stand up for yourself....Stop helping him with life and move on!! My brain tells me he is using me. But my heart....Ugh!!! It's acting stupid. I want to. I really do want to move on and not be used. I've broken up with two other guys before this one. I was able to move on and I was able to really put them in their place. But this one....why is it so horribly difficult?! Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Because you are used to it. It is part of your life. And you can keep doing it for another 6 years --- or you can leave and find happiness. Link to comment
rippedinsides Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 Because you are used to it. It is part of your life. And you can keep doing it for another 6 years --- or you can leave and find happiness. Something happened a while back that made me want to REALLY cut off with him. He sends me a text that he needs my help to handle his assignments because he has no time. And then spends time chatting with others. I've had it! I'm tired of his lies, manipulation and nonsense. My tears are blinding me but I've just had enough! Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 HE IS USING YOU AND YOU ARE LETTING HIM. Wake up and smell the coffee. Link to comment
rippedinsides Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 HE IS USING YOU AND YOU ARE LETTING HIM. Wake up and smell the coffee. I just did. I'm wide awake. I sent him the response, telling him that I can't do it anymore and can't just "be there" for him. I also asked him not to contact me again unless he is serious about fixing things AND committing. I've had enough. I'm going strict NC no matter how much it hurts, no matter how many days I'm going to spend in tears and no matter what he says to emotionally manipulate me. I don't care if I never find someone else who can appreciate me. But I'm NOT going to sit around and let myself be trampled anymore. There's NO WAY I'm going to be just friends. If he wants anything to do with me, he needs to get his head out of his butt and get it on right and treat me the way I deserve. I was rather down. But now I'm very angry after finding out that he has been passing on his assignments to me and sitting and socializing with others. And here all along I thought I was helping him because he had no time!!! Link to comment
stickman Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Here are a few things to ponder...things that have helped me a lot in my past...I will share them with you and other in hopes of helping you. Right now, You want your past to become your present because you continue to focus on and live in the past. It won't happen. If you try hard to live each day in the present by taking baby steps each day...only then can you slowly make progress forward. Focus on what you are doing to make yourself happy today. I had to do that in my past break ups. Also remember that people ALWAYS move away from pain and pressure and toward pleasure and comfort. People value that which is hardest to obtain....And if you are always available to someone, you have no value. Link to comment
rippedinsides Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 Here are a few things to ponder...things that have helped me a lot in my past...I will share them with you and other in hopes of helping you. Right now, You want your past to become your present because you continue to focus on and live in the past. It won't happen. If you try hard to live each day in the present by taking baby steps each day...only then can you slowly make progress forward. Focus on what you are doing to make yourself happy today. I had to do that in my past break ups. Also remember that people ALWAYS move away from pain and pressure and toward pleasure and comfort. People value that which is hardest to obtain....And if you are always available to someone, you have no value. Thanks for sharing. The thoughts on ENA truly help me. I'm trying today to be focused only on today and not think of what's going to happen in the future. I'm taking it by each minute. Trying not to contact him each minute. Maybe tomorrow will be less difficult Link to comment
penelope13 Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 I don't know...there are so many things involved. We work together. And for 6 years I've helped him out in virtually everything. Right from his seminars down to getting his bills paid, etc. And if I back off right now, at a point of time where there are multiple critical cases he is dealing with in the hospital, I'm very afraid that it might disturb him badly and it might impact the lives of those people. He can't manage without me - he knows it and I know it and he knows that I know it. And I dont know...but it would feel awful to use that weakness against him. This sounds completely co-dependent and unhealthy. As you already decided - stay away from him. In the work context, just interact what your job truly requires and what is part of your duties. If he is not able to handle his job properly - guide him towards the next supervisor, but stop bailing him out. There must be provisions in your job to ensure safety of patients if someone is not doing their job properly. Use those resources instead of doing his job for him. Link to comment
rippedinsides Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 Waking up this morning and not getting in touch was the hardest thing to do. He saw my mail. And though I asked him not to contact me unless he was serious about fixing things, he still called me this morning. I didn't answer it. I've been unable to sleep and have been shivering, as if with cold, the whole day today I've realized that he's definitely going to call me again, especially when I don't do his up-coming assignments that he told me about. So I've installed a call/message blocking software on my phone. I know this is a crude way of doing it. But at the moment, when I see his call, my body freezes. And then for the rest of the day I have to fight the desire to call him or text him, even much more. Until I heal at least a little bit, at least for a few days, I'm going to block his calls and messages. The nice part about the software is that it doesn't even provide notifications - it just blocks the calls and messages and logs them in a secret inbox. So accessing it will have to be deliberate, and not an accident. Let's see. I feel awful to have to do this to him, but I'm tired of being taken for granted. He needs to learn not to treat me this way and I need to grow some backbone!!! Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Good. And even though you asked him not to contact you, he did ---today. Shows complete disrespect. Take backbone pills daily!! Link to comment
rippedinsides Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 Good. And even though you asked him not to contact you, he did ---today. Shows complete disrespect. Take backbone pills daily!! LOL. Yeah, I'm going to try to. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 My brain tells me he is using me. But my heart....Ugh!!! It's acting stupid. I want to. I really do want to move on and not be used. I've broken up with two other guys before this one. I was able to move on and I was able to really put them in their place. But this one....why is it so horribly difficult?! Actually, thats your brain not working correctly and blaming it on the heart Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Good. And even though you asked him not to contact you, he did ---today. Shows complete disrespect. Take backbone pills daily!! He knows she doesnt mean it Link to comment
stickman Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 When you are in control of your thoughts and actions you reward yourself with little victories like this one today. Each day IS a stepping stone in to the next...and so on. You gain control when you don't respond to his actions. You are learning that you CAN control your own actions. You can't, won't and are not responsible for his. Nor should you care! The mind is your most powerful asset. Use it! Because whatever you put your mind to doing can become reality. Link to comment
rippedinsides Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 He knows she doesnt mean it I agree with you. There are many times I've told him that I'm going to cut contact, but the longest I've gone NC with him is one and a half days. Most often I would end up apologizing to him for being rude and not "understanding" him better. So I agree with you when you say that he knows that I don't mean it. And yes, he is also aware that by nature I'm not the sort of person to ignore others. So yes, I'm sure he feels that I'm not serious this time too. However, what he doesn't know is that I've reached a stage where I've had enough. Maybe he will realize it when he doesn't hear from me for many days. I'm not doing this to try to get him back. I'm doing this to try to get ME back. Link to comment
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