Was I out of line with my friend?

[me4ta]

OK, here's what happened, we were friends for 4 years, I thought of our friendship as being best friends, which to me constitutes to be supportive, conciderate, help out, etc. etc. and if one of us is doing something bad or not fair or not right - we would tell each other.

 

Well, we made plans to go out past Friday, I e-mailed her several times that day to set the plans (she would not reply the entire day) and suddenly she replies almost at 6pm that she can't go out that night because this guy who she went on the date before (and for the record treated her badly talking on the phone on their date and telling that person that he can easily get rid of my friend if his friend needed him). He didn't make any definite plans as of which day exactly, that Fri or Sat they would go out.

 

So I wrote my friend a reply saying that it wasn't really fair to me to tell me this at the last moment, at least she could tell me earlier so that I could make my own plans, and why was she jumping when he says jump for him, if he treated her badly, it would be possibly wiser to make him chase her.....

 

I get an angry reply saying that it's none of my business when she "jumps to whoever says so" and if I think that it's selfish that she wants to go out with the guy she likes, then she's probably selfish, and that "what, you expect me to let you know first thing in the mornign when I wake up to let you know I have a date???"

 

First of all, she told me about the date at 6pm, we usually get out at 10 to go out.....so I replied I didn't say that I didn't want her to go out with the guy, I said that she should not sit there and wait for him because he didn't make any definite plans besides he treated her badly last time, I said let him chase her.....and i would apreciate letting me know earlier that she can't go out with me.....

 

She stopped talking to me. I need your guys' adivice - was I out of line?

 

I think friends have a right to express their opinion even if it's critical....

[Scout]

No, you weren't out of line at all, and your friend needed to be told that bailing out at the last moment was inconsiderate. Especially to go out with a guy she barely knows, but that calls HER at the last minute and apparently didn't treat her so well on the previous date.

 

I feel sorry for your friend, because she doesn't seem to get a very important fact: dates come and go, but good friends stay. She needs to learn to be a better friend.

 

You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, and I promise you, one day she will see the light. However, if she chooses to end her friendship with you over a guy she barely knows, then she is obviously lacking in the friendship department herself.

 

Keeping your commitments is a mark of character. Sounds like you've got it and she doesn't. I hope she comes around, but if she doesn't, DO NOT feel like this was your fault. It was her's, plain and simple, and I'm glad you told her what you did. She deserved it and frankly, you did her a favor by telling her, even if she refuses to see that.

 

- Scout

[sweetharmony]

I completely agree with scout. I think ditching your friends for a date is out of line, selfish and rude. even if he was her boyfriend. If she made plans with you, she should stick to it, unless something really came up that couldn't be changes -like her boyfriend buying tickets as a surprise and couldn't return them- that is the only thing that would be an excuse. but this is not the case. she didn't even have the nerve to call you earlier. you had to e-mail her all day until she responded. that is unacceptable int erms of frienship. and to add to that- she didn't even apologize and blames it on you. she's going to be severly dissapaointed, because you are correct that this guy sounds selfish and rude and the fatc that your friend has accepted a date with him at 6 Pm on Friday night will just shpw him that he can take advantage of this and call her whenever he feels like it (last minute- i don't have anything better to do). now I'm not an advocate of rules or anything, but this is just plain common courtesy. your friend needs a lesson or two. sorry for venting. I had a friend who constantly did this to me. at least she apologized profusely and changed her ways. this girl doesn't even see it her fault.

[me4ta]

Thank you very much for your words of encouragement and your insight...I'm this kind of person that when I'm comfronted I express my opinion but later on think twice and want to make sure i was right and not over the top.

 

I see that even for other people her behaviour seemed rude, and to tell you the truth she's been acting like this so many times and discussing it with our mutual friend I would get a response from him "don't pay attention, you know how she's like, why are you surprised" .....This time, I didn't want to "not pay attention" i wanted to comfront her, and obviously she didn't expect that and not used to it, and I don't care, I don't want to be treated as a door mat, that's not what friendship is all about.

 

I don't wish it, but I'm sure this guy will be treating her badly, not because of the way she is (well, accepting a last minute date will have a bit to do with it) but knowing him - he's a big time player, and if he already showed his "claws" - he's not gonna transform into a nice guy in one week......so unfortunately I think she's gonna get burned there, and that's what I wanted to prevent, but if she doesn't need my help and only pushes away - she's gonna get what she's asking for.

 

And yes, unfortunately she doesn't see that she was acting selfish, to her, I'm selfish. WHAT-E-VER....I'm tired of this bs.

 

It's just so sad to see a person you thought to be your best friend to act like that......

[DBL]

Not all friendships are the same. I have a few friends...and I just have to give and take what each gives or doesn't give to a friendship. Some are dependable, where others you can't rely on at all. I accept them the way they are, and treat them accordingly. Just got try to accept each friend as an individual and not expect any more then what they give you.

 

So to answer your questions about stepping out of line...you can say you did...not without good reason though...but your not her mother or boyfriend, she technically does not owe you anything. Respect is always nice, but what can you do? Friends are there through thick or thin. To end a friendship based on this would be stupid(no offense on that). It is OK to be upset by it, but from what you wrote above you already knew what to expect from her. Everyone has faults...I guess you know what her faults are by now..What it really comes down to is...will she be there when you really need her.

 

One of my good friends has canceled a lot of plans with me to go hang with his other friends or a girl. Most of the time without ever calling me or telling me. Just completely wasted my night. However when I was stuck in a jam and had nobody to help me move...He took off of work, flew down to me and helped me load the truck, drive the truck, then flew back home that same day.

 

Basically i'm saying...you don't have to like how they treat you to be good friend...what counts is that they are need when you really need them. Another good friend of mine on the other hand...let me hang on the moving and loading of the truck. Left me in a spot...it was more important to him that he went camping with a girl, then to help me. Especially since he originally told me couldn't help me because he was on call. So he was not there when I needed him...unfortunately for him...I will have to beat him up now. See he proved he is not a real friend.

 

DBL

[me4ta]

I understand what you're saying, DBL.....but yes, she doesn't owe me anything, meaning, whatever, go hang out with that guy, BUT my point was, I can express my opinion, what kind of a "dectatorship" is this that a person cannot express his/her own opinion, she expresses hers when she wants.....

 

That was my point....If I think that I'm fed up with something, I can say it "you know what, I think you're not acting correctly, it bothers me"....to that people would say "well, this is who I am, take it or leave it" or "sorry, I'll try my best not to do that anymore"....but get so ridiculously angry that I said something shows me something else.

 

To tell you the truth I'm on this site because of a recent break up, and when I had to talk to someone, I tried to talk to her, and she wasn't there for me, and then I asked her why and she appologized saying that she could not understand what I was going through because nothing like that happened to her....not because she's so great - because she had not have a boyfriend for 5 years already - she's a commitmentphobe.

 

So you see, in some way she was there for me, but in a lot of times, she wasn't, and there comes the time when you say "enough is enough" I was not raised like that, I can't just close my eyes on something that is bothering me or something that makes me feel that I'm being used or taken advantage of or just plain disrespected...do you understand what I'm saying? Yes, she doesn't owe me anything, but if she claims to be my best friend and if we don't see each other for a week she starts wining that she missed me......I mean, make up your mind, do you need me as a friend or you can just give my friendship up for some dude you hardly know that treated you like a ho.

 

She could have done this in a civil way, "you know what, I really like this guy, let's hang out some other time".....that would not have been a problem, but she chose to get angry and mean, there's a big difference.

[DBL]

Well now you put a whole new light on it. Like I said...if your friends aren't there when you need them, then screw them. Originally I was saying...just accept what they give, but I also said what counts is they are there when you need them.

 

When my wife left my best friend was not there when I needed him, and I lived with him. It really showed me what he thought of me. He would go out and never invite me, left me to sit home by myself. I didn't know anybody there cause I just moved there. Here is a guy I put my life on the line for to protect, best man at my wedding. A guy that came running to me a few months earlier when his girl dumped him and he was messed up. Someone I spent the night on the phone with when another girl dumped him. I called him almost every night to make sure he was doing ok. That is what friends do. Now I have had friends that set me up to get jumped and some narrow misses of a blanket party as well..but none of them bothered me or hurt me as much as my supposed best friend treated me. I was eventually kicked out of the house. I knew it was coming. Him and his family concocted this whole BS story. I went with it, just trying to keep things low till I moved. On top of that he went camping instead of helping me. Only thing that stopped me from beating him is he was going to send my mail to me containing my credit card bills, etc. Well I never got those. Haven't heard from him or his sister in 5 months. There is more details and crap to this story, but above was the basics. When I needed my friend he was not there, end of friendship. He summed up our friendship with his actions.

 

My cousin told me years ago, that if you make one good friend in your life you accomplished a lot.

 

My advice now that you mention the other stuff. Get rid of her, she is either there for you or she is not there for you. To me it is unacceptable for a friend to not be there when you need them. Not that coming here was a bad thing, but it shouldn't of been your only outlet.

 

Good Luck

 

DBL

[me4ta]

Yeah, I hear ya, and Ifeel for you that this bs happened between you and that friend of yours...

 

This site was not my only outlet, but for the most part, the fact that I couldn't talk to her and she was supposedly the closest of all of other friends I have, and my mom was getting angry at me for wining all the time (she used positive and negative reinforcement to get me out of my "misery") kind of pushed me to go online and find some website where I could read other people's break up stories - so here I am, actually, finding this site was the best thing I've done for myself during this down time...

 

In any case, my friend changed a lot, she got selfish, and I don't know if she'll ever realize what happened....well, that's none of my business anymore.

 

Good luck to you as well, and thanks for your support.

[DBL]

I found this site way after I moved. I like to search the net looking for new workout routines and diets...just more information. I ended up here, I think it took me a day or two to realize it was not a health site.

 

My friend changed too. Very dramatically. Never seen this coming. I would of bet everything I had that he would of been the last person to ever screw me over. Never bit my tongue so hard or restrained myself so much to not to hurt somebody. I had a moment minutes before I pulled the vehicles out to move...where I thought about just finishing him right there, but I didn't...thought he would atleast send my bills and I would of dealt with him accordingly taking in account that he held his word...most likely just brushed everything off, just dropped him as a friend. I don't know how close you were to your friend compared to how close I was to mine...so unfortunate for my friend and his family...they will have to pay a heavy price. For the rest of his life he will have to watch his back. Only thing that protects him now is I want my divorce from my wife first, since I have my suspicions that his family is still in contact with her...I don't want nothing interfering in that. When thats done. It will be like open season.

 

There is fine line between friends and enemies. If you can't keep your friends by loyalty, then keep them by fear.

 

DBL

[me4ta]

Hey hey, a lot of hostility there, buddy. I think revenge is not the best solution...even though it provides a minute satisfaction, but if you think about it, it can come back at you - that jerk can sue you, or something, and you're gonna be even more angry at him and with more trouble in your life.

 

I think, just let him be, what goes around comes around...you just have to be bigger person, and not come down his level. I know it's hard because you think of him sitting with his fam and laughing at you that he screwed you over and you just ate it......but doing something really bad to a person, is not gonna make you a better person, you'd be no better than he is.

[DBL]

Yeah I have a lot of hostility to his family. I obviously would not have so much if he was just a regular friend...I would of expected that much. Nobody said I have to beat him up to pay him back. I have to look at it this way...him and his sister did not care much about where I end up when he asked me to leave. They lied to me to move there. Originally he lost his job and needed help paying his mortgage...when that was all caught up...guess what? Before I moved he said he would definitely have me a job...guess what? He made a lot of promises and not one of them he kept.

 

If what comes around goes around happens to him...I will definitely feel satisfied. I have several ideas in mind that would hurt him emotionally and mentally instead of physically. However if opportunity arose...I would most likely take it. I know he carries a gun, so I have self-defense on my side...his word against mine.

 

Anyway...I usually don't get this aggrevated over this normally, but this is different. This has effected me.

 

DBL