confused...

[shoni03]

I've been with my boyfriend for about 2years now, we've had ups and downs like every relationship but what's really starting to bug me lately is our views have changed, I see my life with him but ever since he's lost someone close to him he's changed, he talks about never settling down he says lifes to short, he goes off at me when he's angry asks who I think I am says he doesn't need me and he's had enough of us so ill leave it at that then he'll come back saying he was just mad and he loves me more then anything and expects it all to be normal but every single fight every single mean thing he's said has made me loose interest in him. I've stood by him through so much, I spoil him, I look after him on bad days but he never does any of that for me anymore... The death has changed him and taken away alot we had in common, I know if I leave ill miss him but not this him... Ill miss the guy who use to say there was no one else for him, the guy who would jump in his car if he even thought I was sad, the one who would protect me but I've learnt to fend for myself again. I know if I leave him he'll be broken, he depends on me so much. If I try bring any of this up with him he gets so defensive and angry at me.. I don't know what more to do, I do love him, I've fought for him so much over the last 6months but lately I can't help wondering there's better there's someone who will love me so much who will show me who will look after me when I need it, but I still can't picture life without my BF, I feel so confused

[nutbrownhare]

You don't say what his relationship was with the person who died, but recently bereaved people have a lot of anger (in fact the healthy reaction is to be angry with the person who died, but very few of us can actually comprehend and work with it). It sounds as though his buried anger and grief is spilling out on to the person closest to him - you. This is not unusual; nor are his fluctuating moods.

 

However... that's not much consolation when you're on the receiving end of it. If it helps in the short term, recognise that this is a reflection of where he's at right now, and nothing personal. It will also change and fluctuate in coming months, but for the foreseeable future he's not going to have much to give anyone else.

 

Only you can decide if you want to wait around while he works through this. You could suggest he goes to bereavement counselling, but be prepared for him not to want to engage with it at all. I know what you mean about being patient and being there for him, while the hostility from him is chipping away at your feelings, and there may come a time when you decide it really isn't worth it.

 

While you still have strong feelings for him, don't end the relationship. Take care of yourself, get emotional support from other sources when you need it, and pick up friendships and interests you may have neglected over the last couple of years. If you can build yourself a good life independently of him, without looking to him to provide the good things in it, you will find that your perspective on whether or not to leave will change. At the moment you're looking for something he just hasn't got to give, but you can get it from other sources without ending your relationship with him.

 

Good luck!

[dion333]

You sound too reliant on each other for starters. That isn't healthy. He's been through a death. This can change anyone.I understand it must be very difficult dealing with his moods. Tell him how you feel and that it's making you upset and question the r'ship. Maybe give each other space, so that emotions have a chance to settle? If he carries on treating you that way, well do you really want to be with someone like that?