ReturnToSender Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I know honesty is very important in relationships it's a key foundation to a successful LTR. How big of a red flag is it though when your SO has said little white lies, I will give examples below. While you are casually dating he/she goes on a trip without telling you and on top of the lies about the trip they deny for a long time until you badger him/her long enough and the confess. Another instance... They have to leave out of state cause a relative died were suppose to be there about two weeks but it turned out to be almost 2 months... While there keeps saying a date when they will come back but when the date comes "something happens" and the stay gets extended. Lying about age just by one year Lying about who they live with in this case he said he lives alone but turns out he lives with his grandparents. Any thoughts on such lies?? Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I'm thinking you don't know this person at all. So, he's been on two extended trips with other women since you've met. What else do you think is floating out there? Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I think that if someone can lie about such small things they will have no problem lying about the big things. If they continually tell white lies, when will you ever know if what is coming out of their mouth is the truth or another lie? I would let this one go & find someone who likes to tell the truth Link to comment
LoveHim Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Some lies are to protect them from embarrassment and others are just lies...you have to determine what you can tolerate and what you can't. My current bf likes to exaggerate the truth a lot with his buddies...I let it go, I don't agree with it but I don't call him out on them in front of his friends. I tend to think that the little lies lead to bigger lies. If they can't trust you enough to tell you the little things then there is no way they will tell you the big ones, the important ones. Link to comment
ReturnToSender Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 He has an excuse for all those instances... Let me give a little background info This post is about a very close friend of mine she asked me to write this on her behalf. She is in a long distance relationship with a man who has told her these lies. I told her it’s very suspicious she thinks nothing of it so we decided to reach out to other people. The reason he didn't want to tell her about the first trip was because he didn't want her to feel bad that's excuse number one. The trip where a relative died was true someone did die but the reason he stayed so long was because he took an extended vacation and kept making up excesses why he needed to stay longer. Lied about age because he's younger than her and didn't want her to be turned off by that. And about his living arrangements he was too ashamed to admit that he was still living at home. Link to comment
LoveHim Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Liar's always have excuses Link to comment
RachaelRosen Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Those aren't white lies...That's just lying. Link to comment
ReturnToSender Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 Well in the eyes of my friend she sees them as little white lies Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 A white lie is when someone asks "does my bottom look big in these jeans" and you say no, even though the answer is yes. This guy is lying to hide things he doesnt want her to know about. She needs to run away as fast as she can Link to comment
ReturnToSender Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 and idk if it's because she's naive or really fell for this guy but they been together for almost two years now. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 So this is a LDR...I think your friend is better off without this situation. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Lying about your whereabouts is not a white lie...it is a major lie. When two people are in a relationship they should know about trips the person is taking and how long that person is planning on being away..they should also know about the living arrangements. The person who had hurt me badly who brought me to this forum was an expert liar/cover up person. He moved and never told me he moved..that should have been my tip off that he was not an honest man if he could be so secretive about a small thing like moving from one condo to another. If living arrangements are such a big secret, then chances are there are even bigger and more hurtful secrets that are being kept. Don't trust someone who keeps their living arrangements and changes in living arrangements a secret. Link to comment
ReturnToSender Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 So this is a LDR...I think your friend is better off without this situation. Yes it is a LDR and that makes it even worse trust is so important in every relationship but when your in a LDR it’s the only thing you have for the time that your separated from you SO. Link to comment
ReturnToSender Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 Lying about your whereabouts is not a white lie...it is a major lie. When two people are in a relationship they should know about trips the person is taking and how long that person is planning on being away..they should also know about the living arrangements. The person who had hurt me badly who brought me to this forum was an expert liar/cover up person. He moved and never told me he moved..that should have been my tip off that he was not an honest man if he could be so secretive about a small thing like moving from one condo to another. If living arrangements are such a big secret, then chances are there are even bigger and more hurtful secrets that are being kept. Don't trust someone who keeps their living arrangements and changes in living arrangements a secret. I completely agree here which is why her and I decided to post here maybe to help her open her eyes, I'm afraid she's going to get really hurt by this man. Link to comment
HeatherB Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 She should stop listening to his excuses. The excuses could all be lies anyway. If all she has to go on is his word, she'll never know what's true. Link to comment
Abigaelle Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 lies are lies. They are white when you CANT or really dont want to give too much perosnal info or when you are trying to protect yourself, etc. lying about the things you mentioned.... arent white..they are pure lies Link to comment
ReturnToSender Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 I'm hoping this will help her gain some perspective on the relationship I really appreciate the input from everyone. Link to comment
ReturnToSender Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 And she knows that he's lying but she just ignores it she keeps telling me that she never felt like this about anyone and she knows he's the one... Another thing I remember he lied about.... He bought her a gift and said he spent a few hundred dollars on it in reality though he only spent like $50.00 his excuse for lying this time was that he didn't want her to know that he doesn't make that much money. Its like one thing after another with this man. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Rather than facing reality, she chooses to stay in denial. Is she afraid of being alone? Link to comment
ReturnToSender Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 Rather than facing reality, she chooses to stay in denial. Is she afraid of being alone? No she's not afraid of being alone and she gets asked out quite often but turns everyone down. She says she never felt like this about anyone that she feels such a strong connection to him she never loved anyone the way she loves him. Everyone could see it too when they're together but it’s concerning that he lied so much. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 She gets asked out...by guys in her own backyard? And she is compelled to stay with a serial liar in a LDR? Okay, you don't think she's afraid of being alone. Do you think she feels so strongly about this relationship because it's a LDR? Can she describe more of the strong connection she feels with this guy? Did she grow up in a household of habitual liars? Or an overly philanthropic or sympathetic household? Do you think she has issues with self esteem? Link to comment
ReturnToSender Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 She gets asked out...by guys in her own backyard? And she is compelled to stay with a serial liar in a LDR? Okay, you don't think she's afraid of being alone. Do you think she feels so strongly about this relationship because it's a LDR? Can she describe more of the strong connection she feels with this guy? Did she grow up in a household of habitual liars? Or an overly philanthropic or sympathetic household? Do you think she has issues with self esteem? I've known this girl and been friends with her since we learned to walk she grew up in a normal healthy household and doesn't have issues with self esteem. She never let a guy treat her this way before and she never tolerated lying in her previous relationships. She's very independent has a good education and good job and makes good money. I will describe in her words how she feels about him. She feels like he is someone who she has been looking for her whole life, when they first met she felt drawn to him and feels a deep sadness when he's away. She feels like he's someone that completes here and the perfect man that she's been looking for. She never realized how empty her heart was till he came and filled the void. In honesty I can see that I never seen her be like this to any guys she's ever dated and all our friends and family see it too. Link to comment
Wunderbarrr Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 In my book that's just plain lying. He's disguising who he really is (age/living with), although I can understand he might feel embarrassed that he lives with his grandparents, if it's a good excuse then why would it be a problem. Or if he really is embarrassed, he could have said he would explain that one day and/or lied about the excuse its self (it's at least a little more innocent lie). The first trip is really not done, he lied about the trip and then actually would deny it for a long time. The 2nd one, even worse as he was leading your friend on, moving dates all the time, not explaining what's happening. Think normally, there is nothing wrong with going on a trip, or is it? It's only 'wrong' if he would be with someone else, doing something illegal or all of it together, well, you get the point. Your friend is as you put it really naive, whether she's in love or not, she's enabling his behavior. Not that she should disable this behavior, she should get out. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 As they say, love is blind. And, deaf and dumb. You make her out to be a wonderful, together person. Still, I can't help but wonder what's drawing her to this guy. Maybe, if everything else were PERFECT, I could see someone blinding themselves to "white" lies not being an issue. But, this is a LDR. That's why I was wondering if she has commitment issues that make her like the fact that it's a LDR. Or if her past relationships have been similar and this poor treatment feels oddly familiar. Or maybe she feels this treatment is all that she deserves. Or maybe she's the bleeding heart type who wants to fix his "little" issue. There is something that's causing this unhealthy attraction. Unfortunately, this is something she needs to work on herself. I don't see how you can fix it for her. Link to comment
ReturnToSender Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 As they say, love is blind. And, deaf and dumb. You make her out to be a wonderful, together person. Still, I can't help but wonder what's drawing her to this guy. Maybe, if everything else were PERFECT, I could see someone blinding themselves to "white" lies not being an issue. But, this is a LDR. That's why I was wondering if she has commitment issues that make her like the fact that it's a LDR. Or if her past relationships have been similar and this poor treatment feels oddly familiar. Or maybe she feels this treatment is all that she deserves. Or maybe she's the bleeding heart type who wants to fix his "little" issue. There is something that's causing this unhealthy attraction. Unfortunately, this is something she needs to work on herself. I don't see how you can fix it for her. I know I can't fix this for her I'm just hoping that she'll take something from this advice given to her. I Link to comment
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