Mixed signals

[dhakaguy]

Hey guys. Need some advice. You see there's this girl I like from my University. We had a lot of classes together but barely ever spoke coz she was pretty shy and i had a fairly limited circle of friends myself. Also she was dating somebody at the time (for almost 5 years). After graduation we started talking online and this girl wasn't shy and mousy at all. Once you got to know her she's spunky and charming and hilarious. But again she was dating somebody at the time. Around September of 2012, she and her boyfriend broke up and it was pretty bad. I don't know the specifics but he was into some bad stuff and was beyond help. I ran into her at this local superhero themed restaurant (yeah she's into comics and stuff I went upto her and just made small talk, tried to see how she was after all that. It was a little awkward coz she was still pretty sad and we weren't all that familiar at that point. But I guess she must've appreciated it coz we started speaking again online. I mean every afternoon she would start chatting with me on facebook and this would go on till 5 pm or so (with neither of us getting any work done at our respective jobs). I rarely every initiated the conversation thinking maybe she needs space and that I shouldnt bother her. But within five minutes of seeing me online, she'd always knock. Usually we'd just be joking around, talking about random movies or the wacky stuff our parents say, sharing music (it's ridiculous how much classical music, cello and Piano guys' stuff she made me hear). You honestly discuss anything with her. Recent topics have included Godzilla's asexual reproduction, evil heroes from alternate dimensions, favorite doomsday scenarios, bathsalt zombies etc. She'd also share personal stuff with me like how she drank for the first time in her life after the breakup, which guys have been after her etc. One day she was feeling really uncertain about the future, and just sad for having wasted the past few years. I told her that in all honesty, she was extremely strong for picking herself up so quickly and that she was one of the most charming, funny and beautiful girls I had ever met. That any guy would be lucky to have her. As we kept talking that day, the topic shifted to over usage of makeup by her friends. I basically declared myself ignorant about the techniques involved but a huge fan of the results. But she still asked me to judge random photos until eventually she shared a picture of herself asleep underneath a blanket. She would put most disney princesses to shame And then one picture and then another. I kept on saying nice things but trying hard not to over do it

 

One day outta the blue, she texted me saying she was free between classes and asked if I was nearby (we're both doing masters at the same place now). Well I was at work on the other side of town so i declined but offered to meet the day after. She gave kind of a vague reply but didnt confirm anything. Over the course of the last month or so she's been really excited about this concert and kept telling me to buy tickets and join her. At first it was a really large group with 20-30 or her and my friends. Eventually coz of the timing and ticket price, a lot of our friends decided not to go to the thing. I told her i was still down and that we should buy tickets together. She agreed and told me shed let me know when she goes to buy hers. Eventually she ended up buying the tickets and going to the concert with her friends. Its going so amazing online and over the phone but when it comes to meeting she doesn't want to do it outside of a large group setting. She wants to meet one moment then changes her mind. I guess I am kinda confused whether she's just enjoying the attention from me and killing some time, or if she's into me but wants to take it slow. My friends have been telling me to see how things progress, not to expect anything etc. But to be honest im all kinds of smitten. I feel like I should tell her how I feel or would that be rushing things. Maybe she's just looking for a friend right now. I could honestly use some advice. Thanks guys!

[Klokwurk]

So she flaked on letting you know when she was buying the tickets?

 

Sounds like she doesn't want to meet you in real life, OR she has a terrible memory.

 

Ask her out for coffee over a phone conversation and see how she responds. We will be waiting here for the results, and to offer you advice.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think if she talks to you about "which guys have been after her," she only sees you as a friend. Don't tell her how you feel. Ask her out on a date. Then you'll really know how she feels about you.

[dhakaguy]

Honestly that's kind of what i think as well. That she doesnt want to meet in real life. I mean the times we have met was amongst friends. I'll try and give it a shot. Its just a little disheartening she always initiates and suggests these meetings then backs out at the last moment. Thank you for the quick reply

[dhakaguy]

Hey guys thot I'd update my current situation. She ended up inviting me to this party. We got a bit tipsy, danced together and had a really great time. Spent the whole night just whispering things to each other and laughing (it was loud). The next day when we were texting the conversation sort of drifted towards relationships and what not, so I decided I should let her know. To be honest i was feeling guilty, here she was probably looking for a friend to lean on and I was enjoying the attention/crushing on her. So I told her and she replied that she had no idea, didn't consider me in that way and thought of me as just a friend. Well we stopped talking that night on fairly good terms. She started texting me to see how I was the next day, but I was feeling really down and awkward about the whole thing. I tried to avoid her making excuses like I was in class or having dinner. Shes like 'look enough we need to discuss the elephant in the room'. And from that we went onto texting till 2:30 am ish just joking around like before. Then over the next couple of days I didnt hear from her and my depression continued, I drank excessively at this party and just moped around. But by monday i was back at class and work like nothing had happened. Unfortunately she's back to knocking me during work hours and she just sucks me into conversation for like hours and hours. It's getting to be a real problem, i work at a research place so the deadlines are a little lax but i do have submit stuff at the end of the week. Im barely getting any work done. Do you think Its selfish of me to consider that if there's no relationship or romance to be had here, then why should i spend my valuable time cheering somebody up or being there for them? I absolutely love talkin to her its the highlight of my day but there's no benefit to be had here. And honestly im the type of person that talks to his best friends from high school barely once a week. I dont' mind being there for a friend but it cant be at the cost of my work/education.

 

The other day she was telling me that a guy friend of hers had been talkin to this girl for a couple of weeks, with the girl giving hints that she had a romantic interest in him (as she deduced from their conversations). But that afterwards the girl just wanted to be friends. That fella and my situation seemed kinda similar so i explained to her that in these cases its extremely difficult for the guy to keep talking to the girl (as the feeling would never go away) but that he doesn't wanna stop either. I made a pretty obvious comparison between our situation and that dude's. Anyways she concludes that maybe now's not the rite time but that 'that dude' should still stick around. My friends tell me to just keep in touch with her but not expect anything, but its really hard.

 

So to sum up she dances with me, flat out denies having any feelings, then starts conversing with me all over again, drops these hints and then keeps me at arms length. What do you think guys?

[Klokwurk]

Dhaka, this is the oldest story in the book: man confesses feelings (like an idiot; no offense), woman acts surprised (lol!), denies, but now knows and feels safe around this guy, (like she would feel safe around a boyfriend), and so begins to use him as such, dumping her problems, flirting, building her ego, subconsconciously knowing that you want her but have the knowledge that you can't have her (romantically, sexually).

 

Now, this all sounds like she's a *****, but really, she is just ignorant of men and their emotional natures, and is taking advantage of this opportunity to talk to someone without it getting catty/gossipy/laden with sexual undertones... Basically an opportunity to be a human and have a normal conversation. She doesn't know she is hurting you though, so you gotta be the man and tell her what's going on, cease being all chummy with her, and then stand tall and move on from this crush.

 

Peace, brother, peace. Another girl will come.