breaking up with a controlling/insecure girlfriend

[div16]

Here's a long one, but it really means a lot to me if I could get some insight.

 

So it has been almost a year of dating (and almost 9 or so months of living together) with my girlfriend, aged 33 (and me being 24). She is divorced and has a history of emotional abuse from relationships and family. It have finally come to realize, with the help of my family, psychologist, and (i would say friends, but I have seen them only a handful of times wince we started dating, and she has no close friends in town), that she is a controlling and insecure person, and that it is an unhealthy relationship. She fits very well into the descriptions I've gathered from searching on these types of people. I developed Stockholm syndrome early on, convinced everyone that she was the greatest, and this has caused conflicts with my mother and sister, since I take my girlfriend's side of any argument and have not had nearly as many family disagreements until after I met her. I only now realize this because I idolized her since we had so much in common. I already suffer from depression and anxiety, and I feel like all the work I have done to get better is going back downhill. Most of our conversations have transitioned from productive, thoughtful, and insightful conversations to her complaining about problems she has, with no more of the real conversations. I basically said goodbye to all of my female platonic friends as soon as we started dating, and I was led to believe this was normal. I see my best friends only once every month or two. She has very positive outlooks on being married, and becomes upset when I am not fully on board. I have had suicidal thoughts as a result of our arguments; one time taking my motorcycle out at night on winding country roads in 20 degrees after a couple of drinks to relieve stress, but really just putting myself in danger. All she had to say was "I felt like you were leaving me". Anyway, you probably get the point. I can go on and on. My therapist whom I trust very much agrees with my view on breaking up.

 

Issues that stand in the way of breaking up immediately:

1. We have been living in one of my mom's houses, which contains my dad's estate (he was an artist), and earlier decided to sign a one year lease on another house to move away from my mom and all the "trouble she was causing" my girlfriend and how "controlling" she is. We are moving tomorrow... she even said that the neighbor is hot and jokingly said not to have sex with her (when I have no history of infidelity).

2. She clearly is obsessed with me and I am a "nice guy" and have a really hard time hurting others' feelings.

3. She has a hard time supporting herself financially, but is able to. This ties into the house thing. I could afford to pay my half of rent and utilities if I bailed out, but I feel bad that I went in on this with her and would cancel it immediately.

4. She is highly intuitive, and has picked up on my feelings, although I have not specifically said anything. She has been very nice and accommodating the past week, making me feel like she is changing, but I know she is not.

5. 99% sure she is not pregnant, but I am a worrier and there's always that 1%.

6. I feel like I can never find anyone again (this is all in my head, I know, but still an obstacle)

 

When should I do this, and how? I've never actually broken up with anyone, the 3 girlfriends I had in high school and college all decided they wanted to move on and see other people, which is fine. Immediately after moving? After or before V-Day, or does it matter? Any advice would help. Thanks!

[camus154]

So you've already signed the lease on the house with her?

[becomingkate]

I wouldn't move with her if I had the chance to back out, that drags it out too long. Is your signature on the lease? If you had to back out, would it cost anything? It may be worth the cost.

[div16]

My signature is on the lease, and I would be financially obligated to pay half of the rent, but its a financial hit I'm willing to take since it was my mistake. I have the capability to pay on the house but just not live there and stay where I am for free for a while, and there is a provision in the agreement to sublease it with written consent. So, I would be able to live separately and would not morally, and could not legally, dump that financial burden on her until she found a roommate or we terminated the lease early (which I think is possible, I'd have to double check). I know I'm in a hole and need to dig myself out!

[camus154]

If I were you, I'd do some immediate research into what happens if you break the lease. As in right now, not tomorrow, not next week. I believe you are responsible for paying the rent but the landlord is also responsible for making a good faith effort to rent the place out to someone else in the meantime.

[shessofly]

My signature is on the lease, and I would be financially obligated to pay half of the rent, but its a financial hit I'm willing to take since it was my mistake. I have the capability to pay on the house but just not live there and stay where I am for free for a while, and there is a provision in the agreement to sublease it with written consent. So, I would be able to live separately and would not morally, and could not legally, dump that financial burden on her until she found a roommate or we terminated the lease early (which I think is possible, I'd have to double check). I know I'm in a hole and need to dig myself out!

 

if this is the case and you cannot get out of the lease in some way, shape or form, i'd say do it now. why drag it out?

[becomingkate]

Talk to your mom about the house you're currently in, and do not move with your gf, as it will just confuse her. I know this will all go down quickly, but it's better than moving and giving her false hope.

[div16]

I think the lease is something that can be taken care of. The landlord is very lenient. Worst case, the deposit wouldn't be returned. I would have to check for sure as soon as I get home from work though. As for the actual breakup, am I wrong in deciding that this is an unhealthy relationship? Do I need to explain my reasons, because I know that's what she'll want to know. Any tips on that part of the whole thing?

[becomingkate]

I think the lease is something that can be taken care of. The landlord is very lenient. Worst case, the deposit wouldn't be returned. I would have to check for sure as soon as I get home from work though. As for the actual breakup, am I wrong in deciding that this is an unhealthy relationship? Do I need to explain my reasons, because I know that's what she'll want to know. Any tips on that part of the whole thing?

 

The less that you say, the better! I would say that you realize that you are not compatible in the long run and wish you could have made a decision sooner, but with the move coming up, and the stress of everything, you just didn't know.

 

She might try to manipulate you, but stand your ground. Try to go no contact for awhile. Good luck!

[div16]

Well last night she demanded to know why I was distant and asked if I was going to break up with her and I couldn't say no obviously and so i talked through everything. I tried to tell her I couldn't talk since I had already taken my sleeping pill just prior. She tried for an hour and a half to get me to change my mind but this all happened after I took my sleeping pill so I was slipping in and out of sleep and she ended up leaving and spending the night at the new house although I told her she didn't have to do that. I know she's going to keep trying to make me change my mind but I'm standing my ground and have to go through with it. Its hard but I appreciate all the advice!