Mutual resentment. How can we communicate better?

[Wolfcake]

My boyfriend is bitter at the fact that i couldnt forgive him for past things for a long time. He complains that I find reasons to destroy perfectly peaceful moments between us, and thinks any argument we have now is entirely my fault, because he has "changed a lot" and that i "forgot" how good he was to me, therefore he isnt going to be nice to me anymore.

 

He used to have issues committing to me, and hes always been a very introverted person, which makes me frustrated, because i cannot read him.

 

He complains i dont give him space when hes mad, but I hate feeling pressured into silence so i always try to keep talking it out, and i know hes just trying to run away from a problem. Plus, he doesnt give ME space when I want it!

 

I am at wits end, and my boyfriend refuses to go to couples counseling with me, because he doesnt "believe in therapy" and that it will "cause more resentment between us".

 

My boyfriend and I are going to talk after he gets off work today. Im prepared to be the one to do most of the talking, because he tends to test me when hes mad.

 

Please, i need good, honest advice, without resorting to telling me I should break up with him. Nobody is perfect, and I dont want to break up with him. I just want to find a way for us to communicate without setting ourselves in situations when we have to walk on eggshells.

[becomingkate]

He complains i dont give him space when hes mad, but I hate feeling pressured into silence so i always try to keep talking it out, and i know hes just trying to run away from a problem. Plus, he doesnt give ME space when I want it!

 

I've found that the best way to handle it is to give him space when he's mad. Not forever, but until you are better able to discuss things without making accusations or bringing up the past.

 

What do you two fight about?

[Wolfcake]

I let him sleep on it, and i texted him in the morning and he texted back agreeing we can talk after work.

 

We fight over little things, but they always escalate into something bigger.

 

for example yesterday our fight started when i joked about him not being "tall and dark" when i actually really do not care about such doltish things

 

He bit back at me and said i am neither smart enough nor elegant enough. I said okay, thats enough, i was joking, but he kept it going

 

I told him he can dish it, but he cant take it, so then he started to bring up that i turn everything to crap when its perfectly fine

[HeatherB]

You can't afford to be harsh or make unpleasant jokes anymore. You both need to be nicer and much friendlier to each other. There is zero point in arguing with him if you cannot maintain goodwill while you do it. When discussing a difficult issue, it's important to reach out and affirm the connection. You can't let yourself get so swamped with negativity that you lose perspective and allow yourself to say ugly things. When that starts to happen, take a break for 10 minutes and do something else. Being mean to each other on a regular basis will break you up. That's just how it works.

[rosasnyder811]

Pick up a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." The thing is, although this book is a very generalized self-help book on communication, it seems like the two of you are failing at some of the most basic levels.

It will help both of you see where the other is coming from. However, you both need to be willing to work at it, and I am a bit concerned that he isn't interested in counseling- Has he had bad experiences from counseling before or is he just regurgitating some nonsense he picked up from someone else telling him that counseling is taboo?

[Wolfcake]

Has he had bad experiences from counseling before or is he just regurgitating some nonsense he picked up from someone else telling him that counseling is taboo?

 

His father used to be abusive towards him and everyone in his family, which led to his mother cheating on his father and ultimately seperation between the two.

 

I believe the substantial turmoil he may have felt from that shaped his view of his own relationships.

[becomingkate]

for example yesterday our fight started when i joked about him not being "tall and dark" when i actually really do not care about such doltish things

 

He bit back at me and said i am neither smart enough nor elegant enough. I said okay, thats enough, i was joking, but he kept it going

 

I think that you've got to treat each other courteously and respectfully and that's not happening. Imagine if your mum had made these jokes about you as you were growing up - do you think you'd resent her if she said, "oh, Wolfcake is neither smart or pretty, but what do you do?! She's moving out soon."

 

When you talk tonight, tell him that you apologize for being so negative and that you are going to try being positive. For example, instead of harping on the past, you could say "I want you to know how much I appreciate when you do this." or "I love that you are so kind to animals." Find something - anything, to comment positively. And if he says anything to provoke you, let it go or say "I understand why you feel that way, and I'm sorry for my part in it. I want to start changing so that things improve."

 

You can only change YOU, and hopefully he follows your lead.

[Wolfcake]

I dont know.. My boyfriend is very passive in his own way. Yesterday when i tried to apologize he brushed it off and said "tell me something i havent heard before". I dont want to sugarcoat things because a lot of damage has been done already, but i want to be real without hurting him even more

[HeatherB]

How to Work on Your Relationship Without Talking About It would be an awesome book for you to read as well. In the first couple pages it explains why the average guy cringes when you tell him, "We need to talk."

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know ... it sounds pretty straightforward. Talk when he's ready. Pushing him to talk will never get you good results.

[Wolfcake]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I spoke to him just now. My boyfriend says he doesnt hate me but he is jaded about our relationship because the fights never seem to end and he says he doesnt think this will change.

 

Its kind of breaking my heart... But i guess all i can do is space myself from him.

[Ms Darcy]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I spoke to him just now. My boyfriend says he doesnt hate me but he is jaded about our relationship because the fights never seem to end and he says he doesnt think this will change.

 

Its kind of breaking my heart... But i guess all i can do is space myself from him.

 

He sounds like he has one foot (or 1.5 feet) out the door.

[HeatherB]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I spoke to him just now. My boyfriend says he doesnt hate me but he is jaded about our relationship because the fights never seem to end and he says he doesnt think this will change.

 

Its kind of breaking my heart... But i guess all i can do is space myself from him.

 

Ummmmm no. That's not all you can do. You can work on making sure that any fights are limited and civil and don't linger. You're going to have to figure out how to do that sooner or later, if you want your relationships to last, so why not do it now?

[Wolfcake]

He sounds like he has one foot (or 1.5 feet) out the door.

 

Doesnt mean i cant still fix things, does it?

[Wolfcake]

Ummmmm no. That's not all you can do. You can work on making sure that any fights are limited and civil and don't linger. You're going to have to figure out how to do that sooner or later, if you want your relationships to last, so why not do it now?

 

I figure hes partially saying these things because he isnt in a good head space right now. I wish i had all the right words, but i cant push him anymore than i already have

 

Would it be a good idea for me to ask him out a certain day and wait until then to talk in person?

[HeatherB]

I figure hes partially saying these things because he isnt in a good head space right now. I wish i had all the right words, but i cant push him anymore than i already have

 

Would it be a good idea for me to ask him out a certain day and wait until then to talk in person?

 

You know more about your own relationship than I do, but I would be very careful to take him at his word. Take him seriously and assume he means exactly what he says. Take some time to yourself, grab a few relationship books, and be open to trying some new methods for resolving conflict and letting go of resentment. Don't try to talk with him about anything serious until you've got a few new communication techniques under your belt. This is totally doable. I've done it, and it really can work.

[Ms Darcy]

In your original post, he seems upset that you don't give him space or forgive him for the past. I would say you would really need to hear him and follow his lead because he seems upset with the nature of your relationship.

 

While relationships aren't necessarily walks in the park, they shouldn't be this hard. It makes me wonder if you two are not compatible. If how you naturally are doesn't jive with him, should you really be busting your butt to change yourself?

[wilyone 11]

He will dump you if you don't stop fighting with him.

 

Men really hate it when women complain about the relationship or criticize them. They take it VERY personally.

 

If a man loves you, he really wants to please you and make you happy, so your criticism and unhappiness make him feel horrible.

 

Immediately stop discussing problems in the relationship. Just stop giving them attention. Stop saying anything negative of any nature. Focus on the positive. Start making lists every day of the things you appreciate about him. Be happy and upbeat and fun to be with.

 

Also, when a man is upset, the very best thing to do is just give him space. Good luck.

[nutbrownhare]

Why make 'jokey' put-downs which you probably know, from past experience, are likely to lead to a fight? If your relationship's been a bit fraught for a while, adding fuel to the fire really isn't going to help! Making comments like that and then saying it's a joke - thereby putting all the responsibility for the conflict on to him - isn't going to help either.

 

It sounds as though there's been so much conflict between you that he's permanently on 'red alert', so that the slightest thing will start a fight. Bringing up past incidents as a stick to beat your partner with is a real relationship killer, too; he can't change the past and it sounds as though you're punishing him. It takes two to create a fight; you can't do anything to change his behaviour, but you can look at your own. Before you make 'jokes', ask yourself how he's likely to react, or how you'd interpret it if he said something like that to you - then decide if it's a good idea or not. Are you appreciative of him, or are your observations confined to subtle or not-so-subtle put downs?

 

To be honest, it sounds as though this relationship is on the way out. In the time available to you, have a look at the very good self help books others have recommended. They may not help you save this relationship, but they should certainly help you make sense of what's going on and avoiding situations like this in the future.

 

If you do meet to talk, don't do most of the talking. That's more likely to come over as nagging. Stay calm and give him the space to say what he's got to say - if anything. Also there's nothing wrong with companionable silence! If you feel uncomfortable with it, sit still with the discomfort. You already know he'll feel pressured otherwise, and the results will be predictable. Also, the decision to go into counselling is a very personal one; his refusal to go with you is probably borne out of a fear that you will use it to apply even more pressure than he feels under already. Don't feed that fear even more!

 

Good luck with all this, and I hope things work out for you!