Dealing with the relapses, when you think you're doing okay.

[hellomolly123]

Background; together 6 years, lived together for 2, moved accross the country together, thought I was going to marry him, and wanted to - 5 weeks ago, after being distant and weird for a while, he reveals he does not see a future with me, so I leave. Haven't seen each other since and have only spoken to deal with getting my name off the lease.

 

I am finally moving into a new place, with a roommate who I am good friends with. The place is great, I'm excited about it, and the great furniture I'm putting in it, and the opportunity to start fresh. It took me a while but yesterday I finally got up the courage to email him about stopping by our old place (where he still lives) sometime soon to pick up the rest of my things (still have a bunch of clothes and gear there). Up until yesterday I could not stomach the thought of contacting him but I did so in a moment of courage. I was feeling good about getting the rest of my things, about cutting ties, about starting new in a new place in a new area of town.

 

So why is it, then that when he emails me back to tell me that he will be out of the apartment at such-and-such time so I can stop by then, and that he will leave my mail on the counter, and that I am welcome to take any of the "art and furniture we bought together," why is it that I feel like I have been punched in the gut and am about to cry sitting in my office right now?

 

Why does the fact that he said he is going skiing, something we did together constantly, make me want to curl into a ball and die?

 

I was doing well this week. Could go an hour or more without thinking of him. The dreams about him had stopped. I wasn't crying every day. I was feeling hopeful. Now I just want to crawl under my desk and never come out. Just when you think you might be okay, life socks you in the stomach.

[rachellsa]

Thats why NC is soooo recommended. .because I think when you hear from them it's kind of a reminder that they don't want you anymore. And the fact they appear so calm and collected by your contact when you're dying inside only confirms the worse. You no longer have an effect on them, they're over you and have moved on. Whether this is true or not, they may just be putting on a brave face like you are. But it doesnt matter. What you really want to hear is. I love you, I made a mistake, I want to spend the rest of my life of you...but it never comes...

Slowly...as you retutn to NC..you'll stop checking your phone/email ever second and you will return to normal again.

 

I know what you're going through. It sucks. You think you're strong enough but deep down you're not over them and they still have an effect on you. That's unrequited love for you. The only cure really REALLY is time, destraction and NC. Also know every time you have a blip, it's only strengthening your will and capability to move on. You got through the tough part. No blip can knock yoy down now. Take care.

[evensteven]

Really rachellsa said it best. Dammit I made the same mistake and it went worse than I ever thought it would. I left my ex 3 weeks ago. I never cried about it. I just stayed mad. Yesterday, I went to see him to get some paperwork out of the way. Before I knew it we were screaming at each other. Then at the end he kissed me and I let it happen. We didn't say anything after the kiss and just walked away from each other. Now its all messed up and the paperwork aspect was brushed aside so I'll have to see him again in this weak state. Ughh.

The last ex was worse. He was acting like your ex is. I was so upset over the break up I found myself nearly throwing myself at him. After the bu there was plenty of kissing and further. But he remained cool about the by and had no interest in getting back together. I felt like death. Nothing mattered. It was so horrible that he didn't feel the same. I was in a deep depression for 4 months until I began a new relationship. So I don't know what I'm doing. Listen to the other poster...

[nightwatch]

Many people talk about NC. I did it other way around. I have stayed in touch with my ex since I got dumped. By looking into her eyes every time we met, I just mentally made remarks to myself that she is no other but one of my friends I spend time with. it made her feel awkward being around me. She expected me to be angry or distant. I even instigated a conversation with her at NY party we both were invited to by a mutual friend. It has been 4 months since BU and I am well out of it and well over my ex. It all depends on a person. We were married for 11 years. Now I am well prepared to me her new chap she left me for. He moves into our marital home.

[Limiya]

Blips are normal. I still get them and it's been almost 6 months since our breakup.

I'm mostly ok now. I still think of him every day, but i stopped crying over him long ago.

However, just bumping into a mutual friend of ours is enough to bring the knot back in my stomach and the anxiety up to the surface.

 

I know i would feel worse in your situation where i would have to speak to him or risk bumping into him.

The coldness we receive really re-enforces the rejection we felt initially.

Just keep reminding yourself why it would never have worked out. That's the best advice i can give you.

Chin up, and good luck.

 

Limiya

[hellomolly123]

Blips are normal. I still get them and it's been almost 6 months since our breakup.

I'm mostly ok now. I still think of him every day, but i stopped crying over him long ago.

However, just bumping into a mutual friend of ours is enough to bring the knot back in my stomach and the anxiety up to the surface.

 

I know i would feel worse in your situation where i would have to speak to him or risk bumping into him.

The coldness we receive really re-enforces the rejection we felt initially.

Just keep reminding yourself why it would never have worked out. That's the best advice i can give you.

Chin up, and good luck.

 

Limiya

 

Thanks Limiya, and everyone else for that matter. I think I was just very taken aback by how absolutely horrible just a few email exchanges made me feel, when I had been feeling pretty positive for a solid week prior. It felt like all the progress had been undone, and I was back to thinking about all the things I thought about in the first few weeks on a continuous loop: how much I miss him, how I screwed it up, how ultimately he doesn't want me and how much that hurts, the future plans I thought we had together, and the memories... ugh the memories. Those are the worst. It all came rushing back like it was day 1 or something. Then add in the fact that he is doing something fun with some mutual friends that I used to do as well but now can't, and just how cold and businesslike his response was... and it was like I had the wind knocked out of me. It made me very angry but also just so profoundly sad.

 

The good news is, this morning I am feeling a bit better. I still have to go get the rest of my stuff today, but I don't have to talk to him about it, and I won't see him, and I have a friend who will help me move my things so hopefully it will go quickly. I had a nice long cry yesterday and that definitely helped too, and just having some close friends/family listen and offer some understanding - that yes, it's okay for this to happen, and it will continue to happen, but I will keep on bouncing back.