Some thoughts on verbal abuse

[EmmaB78]

Over the past several years, I have been involved in more than one verbally abusive relationship, some of which I've posted about on here. The reason that I'm posting now is that, after doing a lot of reading and thinking, I think I'm finally getting somewhere in terms of changing myself, and I'm hoping that I might be able to help others who have a similar pattern.

 

Sometimes posters on here can be harsh: They will get frustrated at those of us in bad relationships because they want us to just LEAVE and don't see why we are putting up with certain things. They think they never would. I don't blame them for getting annoyed, but I don't think they quite understand what goes on in these kind of relationships either. Even someone who started out confident and happy, someone who is successful in other areas of life, can find themselves in a terrible relationship and suddenly feel paralyzed. Maybe this will help those who have never experienced this to understand some of us as well.

 

Here are some signs of verbal abuse that I've picked up from both reading and personal experience. Note that sometimes these things can happen in healthy relationships too - no one is perfect. But a healthy person will apologize, sincerely, when they realize they have hurt you, and they will not keep repeating the same acts:

 

- While name-calling is certainly verbal abuse, it's only one of many ways that someone can be verbally abused. You might be with someone who never calls you bad names but still makes you feel like crap - on purpose - in other ways.

 

- The main component of verbal abuse seems to be denying your experiences and your right to have them. If you say something hurts your feelings, it won't be discussed - you will be told that you are oversensitive, selfish, trying to start a fight, etc. One time I said to my ex-boyfriend, "I'm lonely," and his reponse was to say, in a nasty tone, "Don't start." The message is: your feelings are ridiculous and don't matter; you're trying to cause trouble, etc.

 

- A verbal abuser thinks he or she knows you better than you know yourself. He or she will tell you what your motives were, what you MEANT to say, and sometimes even accuse you of saying/doing things you never said or did. My ex-boyfriend constantly accused me of calling him stupid or thinking I was better than him - even though I never said anything like that and didn't think it at all. The mere act of disagreeing with him, however mildly and even on very minor topics, was evidence that I didn't respect him. It also justified - in his mind - his anger.

 

- Speaking of anger, a verbal abuser will likely have unpredictable mood swings and outbursts of anger about minor things. These outbursts may or may not be directed at you. For example, everyone gets annoyed in traffic sometimes, but he or she will scream and swear and sometimes even drive erratically, putting both of you and others in danger. You will become afraid to bring up certain topics or find yourself constantly trying to soothe this person or agreeing with him or her just to prevent another outburst.

 

- Some verbal abusers will lie about things they've said and done or try to deflect any responsibility in other ways. Here's an example: The abuser says something mean to you. You say it hurt your feelings. Their response is to say they didn't say it or to point out a word you got wrong when quoting them. Like the whole thing was about that one word rather than the substance of the comment and how it made you feel!

 

- You will be blamed. And since none of us are perfect, sometimes this is SO CONVINCING. "You caused the fight because you brought up something that bothered you." Well, that's technically true, even though it's totally unfair - you aren't required to keep all of your thoughts/problems/emotions to yourself! In normal relationships, you'd talk about these things calmly; they wouldn't all turn into arguments. The abuser will provoke you with nasty comments, and then when you finally get angry, say that you are the one with the problem because you finally walked out or yelled back.

 

- The silent treatment. Sometimes this comes after an argument. Sometimes it's just staring at you blankly or watching TV when you try to talk, even about good things. You're telling him or her about your day, and he or she barely looks at you. The message is: You're boring/unimportant/talk too much, etc.

 

- The verbal abuser will put down not just your negative qualities but your positive ones! He or she might insult your job, your sense of humor, your taste in music, your friends - things you're proud of. If you discuss something you think is a weakness, you can virtually guarantee it will come back up later. I told my ex-bf one time that I was worried that I don't do enough to help humanity, and he basically agreed with me and told me that my job, which is somewhat prestigious and which I've worked years to get, was actually harmful to society. And, no, I'm not a CEO in big tobacco or anything. He would actually brag about my job to other people; he was only nasty about it to me.

 

- He or she might be sarcastic, mocking, or insult you as "a joke." One of my ex's favorite things to do would be to say "I'm sorry" in a sarcastic voice after doing something hurtful, and then claim he had apologized. This also goes back to making you doubt your perceptions. I knew the "apology" was sarcastic or patronizing, but he was technically correct - he DID say I'm sorry. So what could I say? If I pointed out the sarcasm, I was "making things up" and since he'd "already apologized" he would refuse further discussion.

 

- He or she might insult whatever gender, class, race, etc. you are part of. My ex couldn't let a day go by without referring to some woman as a *****, *****, ****, ****, etc. He would say that all women lie, that all women over 30 are desperate to have children, that all women cheat, that all women are motivated by jealousy. Don't think you're going to be the person to prove him or her wrong; normal people don't hate entire genders, classes, or races. My ex accused me of lying and trying to trap him into having a baby even though I never lied to him - not once - and I'm not even sure I want kids. But I'm a woman in my mid-30s so he "knew" what I was thinking. No amount of actually TELLING him what I was thinking convinced him otherwise.

 

If you are in one of these relationships, the sad thing is, you are probably going to have to leave. The problem is that the abuser believes his or her own lies. He or she REALLY thinks they know you better than you know yourself. You think that if you can just EXPLAIN yourself - but the problem is, the abuser isn't rational. He or she doesn't experience you as a separate human being with the right to your own thoughts and feelings. When you SAY, "I feel X," he or she HEARS (if they hear at all), "You are Y." Your existence as an independent person is a threat and an attack, and you won't convince the person otherwise. I guarantee that if someone were to ask my ex why we broke up, he would say, "She thinks she's too good for me and that I'm stupid," even though, as I said, I never said or thought any such thing. I broke up with him because he wouldn't stop yelling at me, and he ignored me when I spoke. I tried to talk about those things a million times, and it never worked because he COULD NOT hear me. I remember crying on the phone to him one time and begging him to just listen to me when I talk about my day. He said he would, and the next time I saw him, I tried to tell him about something that happened, and he just stared into space and didn't respond. After a few minutes, I said that I felt like I was boring him, and he responded, sarcastically, "No, I'm LISTENING."

 

Well, that's all for now. I really hope this helps someone. Please know that this behavior isn't normal, and it isn't love, no matter what the abuser tells you. There are SO MANY good people in the world. It's not your fault if someone treats you like this, but it's in your hands to stop it. If the person won't listen to your concerns, you HAVE to walk, and you can't look back. You don't deserve to be treated like this - no one does. And you will never be perfect enough to change the person; they will do this to everyone. Luckily, there are a lot of great people out there who won't expect you to be perfect. They will listen to you and care about you and do everything in their power to not bring you down. Don't believe the abuser's lies - it is in their best interest to make you feel bad about yourself, and it's up to you to not let them distort your reality. And it's ok if you did some bad things too - we all do. But it doesn't mean you deserve to be abused, and you DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS. No one has the right to yell at you and make you afraid and put you down and threaten to leave you. And NO ONE gets to tell you who you are and what you think and what you feel and what you're allowed to feel but YOU.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think this is a good list and people will find it helpful from the perspective of abusive symptoms. Certainly, we can all find ourselves in an abusive relationship at some point in our lives. Myself included. But if you have a string of such relationships, I think you are wise to examine why that keeps happening. Just as the abuser has his/her own path and reasons for their behavior, the person who habitually receives abuse does as well and their subconscious may be repeatedly directing them into harm's way. You may think the relationship feels familiar and ironically comforting. You may think if you just did X that you could fix this person and they would then treat you well. Or you may think such treatment is all that you deserve. Whatever your reason(s) may be, when you examine yourself and find out why you are drawn to such persons and situations, you can then begin to make informed relationship choices and break the pattern. We all deserve happiness. We all deserve to be treated well.

[Zengirll]

Sometimes posters on here can be harsh: They will get frustrated at those of us in bad relationships because they want us to just LEAVE and don't see why we are putting up with certain things. They think they never would. I don't blame them for getting annoyed, but I don't think they quite understand what goes on in these kind of relationships either. Even someone who started out confident and happy, someone who is successful in other areas of life, can find themselves in a terrible relationship and suddenly feel paralyzed. Maybe this will help those who have never experienced this to understand some of us as well.

This is very true, I'm going through a hard time at the moment, an abusive relationship is one of the hardest and most difficult routines to snap out of, you're thread is 100% accurate, I've experienced many, reading this has made me realize quite alot. Helped me alot, thank you x

[EmmaB78]

Glad to help, Zengirl. And while I agree with oldenough that we need to examine ourselves (as I acknowledged I was doing in the first paragraph of my original post) I think that, while in the midst of these relationships, it is far more important to recognize that what is happening is not our fault. Perhaps I am alone here, but when someone reminds me that I need to "look at myself and why I tolerate it" when I'm in the middle of getting abused - well, it just brings me down more, and makes me feel like there is something wrong with ME for what is happening. When you're trying to get out, it is so much more important to focus on what is wrong with the abuser and the situation than to beat yourself up for not being stronger. So while yes, it is important to do some self-examination, that is a secondary concern to getting out. Some people aren't "attracted" to these relationships at all - some people are slowly conditioned to accept this treatment, which then opens them up to repeat performances. Once you're out, by all means - explore what happened. But while you're in there, don't think about how "messed up" you must be to have accepted this for so long. Think about how "messed up" the other person is for having perpetrated it!

 

Still, to follow up on what oldenough said, I read something today about how some of us really admire that part of ourselves that can "forgive and forget." I have actually said the words, "I have no pride when it comes to love," and I thought that was a good thing for the longest time. It's important to realize that that ability to feel sorry for/understand someone and therefore forgive them can be harmful as well. If we can forgive anything, then where are the boundaries? How does one maintain the positive sides of feeling compassion without therefore excusing poor behavior? If you grew up in an abusive home (as I did), you might not have a model of what's normal. My father went on daily rages that I was expected to excuse because "he loved us" and "he's stressed" and "that's just the way he is." So when a bf goes into a rage, my immediate reaction is to wonder why he's behaving that way and how I can make it better rather than to think, "Woah! This is inappropriate!"

 

The best I have been able to come up with so far is to imagine I have a daughter and to tell myself what I'd tell her. This helped me recently when my most recent ex tried to get me back without so much as an apology - he just called me and pretended like nothing had happened and then when I was cold implied that I was overreacting. I thought, "What would I say to my daughter?" I may not always know what's good for me, but I know what I would expect for my children if I ever have them, and I know what behavior I would want to model for them to ensure that, even if I may never have great boundaries myself, I'd show them how to!

[Zengirll]

I really can't get over how accurate you are. I've just read through this all over again, now that I have coffee in my system that is. My ex would always put my job down. His job was better than mine. He worked in a warehouse with young idiotic boys and moved boxes from one room to another, and yet I would help the elderly in nursing and dementia, but yet his job was harder because a box of cream buns does your back in more than moving and handling a 16 stone elderly woman.

 

As for my interests, whenever I played MY music I was told it was crap, yet his music was the best.

He put my family down even though his family was perfect, whom he never saw or bothered with. My mum took him in when he was homeless rent free and called him her own, yet his mum 'couldn't make it down here, she was too busy'

 

>>>>>>The abuser will provoke you with nasty comments, and then when you finally get angry, say that you are the one with the problem because you finally walked out or yelled back.

THAT IS SO TRUE TOO. He would agitate me so much that when I finally bit back I suddenly needed to see a doctor.

 

And when I was ready to go to sleep, he would wait until the last minute to say 'Great, obviously not sleeping with me tonight' I would be like, 'I'm sorry I didn't realize, we can now if you still want too?' His reply would be 'Nah it's too late now, you could of done something before' Like I was supposed to read his mind or something.

I would get called immature and I needed to grow up just because I didn't want to rush into a family and a home, when I showed my interests of wanting to travel he would reply with 'Well, you could of done all that before you met me, I want what I want, and that's it, end of story.

 

I think alot of people, (I will admit I thought it too) that the verbal abuse was alot less important than the physical, But it IS just as bad. When you write it down like this Emma, It makes so much sense. I love how you have everything spot on, I actually read this with a smile on my face because my ex did so many if not all of these things.

 

Sorry about the second post, I just really read into this more with open eyes. Thank you x

[Limiya]

These are all very farmiliar to me too.

His job was more important and better than mine. If i told him i was tired i would get 'I work more hours than you. I work harder than you.' However, he actually worked LESS hours than me, and would call in sick regularly.

If i was sick with flu for example i would be told it's not the end of the world because the last time he had flu he had it MUCH WORSE than me, and he managed to work through it.

 

You're right with the music thing too. If it was nothing something he had heard before, he was more likely to hate it or find something seriously wrong with it. If i put my music on in the car he would moan until i turned it off or he would just turn it off.

Not interested in getting to know my friends at all. They were boring and not like his friends.

 

He would criticize my family at the drop of a hat, yet swear at his own mother and siblings at the slightest irritant. He would hate the fact i was close to my family, yet he lived with his mother and i lived in my own apartment. YET i was TOO CLOSE to my family for his liking.

 

The mind-reading thing is true too. What is it with that? 'I shouldn't have to beg you or ask, you should just do it!!' Yeah right.

 

This topic is great to evaluating what you had or have with a Verbal Abuser.

Recognizing signs for what they are. We tend to analyze everything and make excuses for what we have put up with. However you do realize after time apart when you look back, that it is abuse in a subtle form. It might not be physical, but it's still as harmful. They break down our confidence and esteem until we question ourselves.

I'm glad i'm single right now, so i can work on myself and become stronger.

 

Limiya

[Zengirll]

Yeah, it's amazing how well the abuser works his words. I spoke to mine this morning about collecting the rest of his stuff. He knows that his last smack that he gave me is the final straw. And because he knows he can't come back, he's now playing the victim, telling me I've hurt him, I'm a compulsive liar, I've made him lose all feeling. He's doing this so all the focus on his bad behavior and his abusive is ignored and the blame is put on me. He wants me to go round and pretty much beg him, and he doesn't wanna know me until I've made it clear on facebook and to my friends that I'm back with him.

I've also remembered when I used to get paid, I looked through all my statements and everything was pretty much bought for him. He would buy me one present, or make me a coffee and I would have to praise him for hours on end or he would say I don't love him. He wanted me to worship the ground he walked on, he wanted me in make-up and dressed up everyday otherwise I wasn't making an effort.

I would be scowled at for wasting my wage one month just because I thought 'Sod it, gonna treat me for once' I would get told I couldn't manage my money, yet at the end of it all, he was the one living here rent free and didn't have a job.

 

We're so young, full of life, we don't need men who have severe problems to suck the life out of us.

 

As the Cyndi Lauper says 'Some boys take a beautiful girl, And hide her away from the rest of the world'

[meoww]

Thank you!! I also think it is 100% necessary for the abused to realize it is really not their fault. In terms of my lifetime of abuse at the hands of my mother and father, the turning point was hearing the words, "well that's just not fair," just once, from one person who wasn't even close to me and my whole life changed. This only happened 3 weeks ago and I feel like a completely different person in some ways. My anger and grief are totally under control in a way it has never been without the added stress of feeling like no one believed me and maybe even blamed me for what was happening.

 

Up until that point, no matter how hard I tried to please my abusers, in the form of just generally trying to be a good daughter as well as basically being forced to be my mother's personal life/fitness/therapist-coach, giving gifts, doing housework, a shoulder to cry on, anticipating their tantrums and trying to prevent them, and trusting them with my most private thoughts and dreams, despite the extreme and bizarre lengths I went to, somehow I would always feel implicated in their abuse of me because of the way others would react if I ever had the courage to disclose what was going on.

 

These were among the most common responses:

 

You both need to change

 

You must have provoked him/ her

 

Just don't take it personally

 

Just move on

 

They love you and want the best for you (don't even want to get into how this couldn't possibly be true)

 

 

All I had ever wanted, was for once, to hear that it wasn't my fault and it's amazing how many years passed and how many therapists even, that I went through without hearing anything resembling that.

 

A lot of other things you said in your posts on this thread were so helpful and comforting to me, but this is the issue I'm reeling from the most in my case.

[Lilacmedusa]

Wow. I am new here and so happy to have found this forum. I just posted about abuse and control but in the wrong category! If you search, you can find it. This post, well, many of these abusive examples, are what I deal with now. It's almost sickening to read. It isn't constant, but it is regular and is happening more frequently now. There has been physical abuse in the past. And he is quite provocative, I think to incite anger in me to give him a "reason" to unleash his own inner fury. I am planning a vacation but am going to another state to check it out. I keep coming back, and I feel a total departure from him and here is necessary so there is no chance of return. He says he loves me so much, and i believe him, but what energy vAmpire wouldn't love a constant source of energy like me?!? I am blamed and projected onto constantly. Also, I spend a TON on him and his kids, too. Thankfully I have enough for airfare out of here to clear my head and check out a new beginning for me!

[thisgirl55]

I think I am having this issue?

 

My boyfriend does not trust me at all. When we fight, he tells me the worst things he can come up with while I just try to talk with reason. He also made me delete any form of social networking I had. He treats me like a queen, buys me things, tells me I am pretty, and supports me in advancing my career. When it is good it is great, but when it is bad it is horrible. My family and friends think he is crazy and controlling because the smallest things are blown out of proportion bc "I am putting myself in a situation where cheating can happen." and is worried about me shutting myself off from the world. He believes that my life should revolved around him like his revolves around mine. I am a go, go, go person constantly doing things and love talking to people. He hates it and doesn't want me around any place with a male (like the gym, I am now attending an all female gym). He is now trying to stop going out and I still would like to sometimes. Just with my friends to have fun and spend time with them, but this is unacceptable because couples should not go out unless they are with each other. I just had to fight him to be able to go out to eat with my friends. I don't know, we can't go 2 months without some blowout bc something I do that I don't even notice. We talk it out and I end up siding with him because he makes such a good point. I am tired of the constant back and forth and usually not the type to take anything from a man. I feel time will tell, but I don't want to waste that either. I don't know if he will ever trust me again or if I will ever get my families support.

[shopgirl37]

The whole verbally abuse script and the cycle that follows is something that has become almost predictable to me now. I am a married woman for 31 years and have 9 kids. I have always known something was wrong, but I was determined in my mind that I would make a difference in his life, and that my love and kindness would be enough to make this man behave differently. I cannot honestly say that I was "in love" with him, or even attracted to him in that "fireworks" way, but I can honestly say that I was 100% committed to making this last a lifetime, and to creating a wonderful place for our family. Of course I loved him. Right now I cannot say that because I have no feelings due to a wall of protection I have put on my heart from the pain of rejection and the twisting of truth that feels like an attempt to require me to be responsible for his pain/life choices.

 

Through the years, I found that me and my kids (learned behavior for them, I probably required it) would cover for him. We always made sure he was comfortable. Although the triggers would change day to day (counters needed to be wiped today, tomorrow it was toys left out, the next day the kids didn't dress good enough, and if someone spilled something, WATCH OUT), there would more often than not, be something that wasn't good enough. These simple disappointments seemed to give him the reason to withhold praise, something we all longed for. Later as our kids grew and some have begun to move off to college, I have observed their reactions to the oh-so-famous disappointed look and disgusted sigh when things aren't as he planned. And that's the whole point! AS HE PLANNED. I truly believe he believes it is his responsibility and right to plan and carry out each one of our life paths and interests. I believe he thinks it is his duty.

 

My life resonates with the patterns EmmaB78 has listed and explained. I have read many of the Patricia Evans books on this topic, but still am looking for that ray of hope. I cannot find it! I have spent the better of 31 years trying my hardest to improve myself through changes, prayer, reading, self-help, professional counseling, pastoral counseling, sharing with a friend who went through a rough time and was able to save her marriage, Bible scripture acknowledgement, careful examination of my motives, attempts at changing my patterns, communicating, putting on a cheerful face, sleeping better, taking vitamins and exercising, going to the doctor's more regular, reading things he is interested in so I can participate in his monologues or at least understand what he is talking about when he is seeking an audience. I have gone so far as to stop asking him to shower before sex, or to treat me nicely before wanting it; I have worked on being "more exciting" in bed, and have removed some of the taboos to allow things that I previously hated sexually. I believed it was me that was deficient in the bedroom the whole time because that was what I was told. It ends up that he is addicted to porn so no changes on my part were good enough for him anyways as he would end up there (in the porn realm) after experiencing what I thought was great, or what I thought he was liking.

 

I have much more that I am working on to realize and acknowledge the abuse in our home. But let me say that any mention of abuse, or any explaining my intentions or thoughts just gets my husband angry, sarcastic or denies it. Now he also claims that he doesn't see a point to work it out because there is nothing there. He refuses counseling because he is not willing to "air our dirty laundry" and he has told me numerous times that he will not change. He was also at one time saying he would rather be dead and would explain how. He has told me he was leaving at least a dozen times that past 18 months, yet he doesn't leave. Now he tells me to do whatever the eff I want, and I should leave. I am hurt, I am confused, I am lost as to what to do. It is an easy thing for others to leave perhaps (emotionally, not easy) but practically speaking, what is there for me? I am being held to a bizarre standard by my adult kids, I am feeling guilt for considering "ruining" the life of the four kids still in our home, and I am told from other male friends and professionals that sometimes women need to "sacrifice" for their kids, and that after this long I should just stick it through. I am told by professional women to get the heck out before it escalates further. I don't know what to do.

 

I am not completely innocent in my actions. I blow it. I have blown it. I am not trying to pretend that I am the perfect person at all. I think that when I saw my children rejected and hurt, my eyes opened, and I spoke up. And then it all turned on me. When I willingly "pretended" with him, things were less volatile in public, and seemed cheerful in front of people. The habits towards me used to be confined behind closed doors, then just to the home, now out in public. I have experienced the withholding of affection, ignoring me when I am in the room, completing my sentences, telling me what I like and don't like, changing the truth of what he has said to me, re-writing the history of events, lying about dumb things to change his supposed involvement and efforts, martyr type comments, blaming me, telling me I will never be satisfied and that we would all be better without him and yet also telling me that his family has always been first and he is just a paycheck to me. I am not asked about my day ever, I am talking ever. If I happen to voice an opinion that he is not in agreement with, he tells me how ridiculous it is and why. If I happen to voice the opinion AFTER he has already stated his view, it gets worse. I feel like I am to have no opinions. He does not know me, or seem to care to know me. It hurts. Although he has bragged about me and my accomplishments to others, to my face - nothing is said. It's weird. We don't have a song that says what we feel towards each other, or anything that is "our thing" that we do together. Music is a point of contention: he will not listen to my music cuz it is stupid and wrong. His is GREAT. He is depressed for sure but will not seek help. I just always believed he was selfish. But he was nice to others through the years (not these days!) so it was confusing. I have felt unloved and "not worth it" but when I say that he tells me it takes two and I don't respect him. I immediately ask what I do to make him feel that so I can address it, change it, etc. However, he does not do the same for me. I'm talking ever. He does NOT hold me when I cry. He instead looks at me in disgust. I hurt. He minimizes my physical ailments but when he has a cold he is miserable. I help him, gladly. I just don't understand why he won't help me. I feel like a slave, and yet he has taken away all house responsibilities that I feel are mine (cooking, marketing, etcl) and I feel like I am inadequate in that area also. It's weird... I am the one who has friends, is well-liked and who has the respect of many. I am the one who invests in other people's lives (my immediate family first, including him) and yet he seems to resent me. I share my emotional pain and it becomes all about him as he leaves me crying, and left with the knowledge that he is the one that has had the hard day. My mouth remains open as I stare in disbelief thinking someone who truly does know better can actually talk himself into this. I don't understand at all. I was actually told by him recently that he has "been there" through all our crises (me and my kids') and now when he is having a hard time, why is everyone requiring him to feel a certain way??? Everything is craziness to me with this man. He has complete high standards for my girls, and the men they associate with, yet he does not afford me the same high standard on himself. That is confusing as well since he expects everyone to overlook any of his faults (that is IF he acknowledges fault which is rare) but exposes and holds onto everything anyone says or does as criminal. It confuses everyone.

 

More later.

[shopgirl37]

EmmaB78, Thank you for your post. I read it with my head nodding the entire time! You give me hope that I will be able to smile some day soon. All that you said is what I would have said to another woman going through this, but this time it's ME, and I needed to hear it from someone. I'm having a hard time with the statement that I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS. There's so much guilt involved because I turned to someone else for comfort. I feel as if all those years of suffering, and the last two years in particular, don't really matter because my decisions have "broken up our marriage" and I am untrustworthy. I didn't break up our marriage though. I just ran out of glue.

[Jennytsai]

Your thread is way on point. My boyfriend is just like that when he is mad. (Which has become quite frequently) he claims that he is this cold and spiteful sometimes to "keep me in check" so I don't have the chance to cheat on him. He also claims if he is too nice to me, ill walk all over him and cheat on him. I've tried and still am trying my best to prove to him that I am loyal, but I don't know when it will get to him?

 

I'm constantly living in trying to please him and trying to always be there for him so he doesn't fall into being annoyed or angry and then over thinking things again and accusing me of being like other girls who will cheat and are sketchy.

[Atnamas]

Thank you so much for this post. I couldn’t believe how accurate it is!! I too spent the whole time nodding my head in agreement!

 

- The main component of verbal abuse seems to be denying your experiences and your right to have them. If you say something hurts your feelings, it won't be discussed - you will be told that you are oversensitive, selfish, trying to start a fight, etc. One time I said to my ex-boyfriend, "I'm lonely," and his reponse was to say, in a nasty tone, "Don't start." The message is: your feelings are ridiculous and don't matter; you're trying to cause trouble, etc.

 

I’m sorry your boyfriend made you feel so redundant. My boyfriend does the exact same thing. I can’t remember the last time he apologised to me for something or acknowledged my feelings. When I tell him he’s done something to upset me he tells me if I’m going to be “cranky” all day I can hang out on my own.

 

- A verbal abuser thinks he or she knows you better than you know yourself. He or she will tell you what your motives were, what you MEANT to say, and sometimes even accuse you of saying/doing things you never said or did. My ex-boyfriend constantly accused me of calling him stupid or thinking I was better than him - even though I never said anything like that and didn't think it at all. The mere act of disagreeing with him, however mildly and even on very minor topics, was evidence that I didn't respect him. It also justified - in his mind - his anger.

 

Him. Again. The part in bold especially. He is always telling me I’m disrespecting him and I can never understand why!!!

 

- The silent treatment. Sometimes this comes after an argument. Sometimes it's just staring at you blankly or watching TV when you try to talk, even about good things. You're telling him or her about your day, and he or she barely looks at you. The message is: You're boring/unimportant/talk too much, etc.

 

The worst of all for me. I have spent many a day standing in front of him pleading with him to speak to me and communicate, but it’s like I’ve been completely invisible. When it’s reached a point where you’d rather your spouse yell at you because then at least then you are being acknowledged, things aren’t good.

 

- He or she might be sarcastic, mocking, or insult you as "a joke." One of my ex's favorite things to do would be to say "I'm sorry" in a sarcastic voice after doing something hurtful, and then claim he had apologized. This also goes back to making you doubt your perceptions. I knew the "apology" was sarcastic or patronizing, but he was technically correct - he DID say I'm sorry. So what could I say? If I pointed out the sarcasm, I was "making things up" and since he'd "already apologized" he would refuse further discussion.

 

He’s always “joking” and I am not allowed to be hurt by any of his jokes. If I am, I’m the one with the problem.

 

Thank you again. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. X

[Limiya]

It's so hard to 'see' through the thick cloudy smoke that is abuse when you're IN it.

I was the same too. Like many of you in this thread, i always thought that if i was nicer and kinder, i would be treated better.

He would verbally attack and defend, and i would be as nice as pie and even apologize. Then i would wonder why his behaviour didn't improve.

Looking back, i was validating his behaviour. I was enabling his behaviour.

If i had a dog that had bitten me, i would have punished it, not petted it on the head and said 'good boy'.

However, at the time, i genuinely didn't know what else to do.

 

As the years went by i changed my mentality a bit. I started to see his patterns, and i knew his triggers for the most part.

If he was fishing for a fight i would remove myself from the situation if i could. I would be calm, be like 'that's nice' and suddenly i have to be somewhere else.

If i couldn't remove myself, i would just let him rant, and not engage in any argument he was after. He would soon get bored and the escalation was avoided.

If i was being provoked and i couldn't escape or i was being called every name under the sun, i would end up explaining as calmly as possibly that what he was saying was not acceptable to me, and i would be leaving.

It would take days, but i would usually start getting an apology when he knew i was serious.

 

Although this helped stop the dramatics of the abuse, the abuse was still there. I found i was walking on eggshells most of the time to not upset him.

I would watch him lose his temper towards his mother and his brothers. He would even speak to those friends who he worked with as if they were dirt if they upset him. I used to shake my head and think how awful that was, and how disrespectful and i would feel ashamed that i was associated with him.

 

It's only now that i look back and wonder what i was doing. Why did i stay for so long? Why did i ALLOW a man to disrespect me so regularly?

If i could go back and change everything, i would have made sure i left at the first sign of abuse.

I deserved to be treated a lot better than i was, and i do.

It's so much easier to see when you're no longer in the fog, and i hope one day those of you will be able to get through it and live a happy and peaceful life with someone who treats you with the respect that you deserve.

 

Limiya