Ex broke no contact but it's complicated. Don't know who dumped who!

[hurdygurdy]

Hi folks,

 

I am looking for some objective advice please. My girlfriend and I recently split.

 

The rub is...It's not very straightforward at all. I met her at work in 2011, in the foreign country I was studying in. We didn't speak much as our paths didn't cross professionally but we had a few conversations just before I left the country and I was kicking myself for not having spoken earlier. Anyhow, we stayed in contact long distance via the usual mediums; email, Skype, IM and phone calls. This was over the course of about a year. Eventually we spoke about meeting each other (we live on opposite sides of the World so short trips are very difficult and expensive!). I suggested that I move there as the employment environment is very bad here and she was already in a secure job. I moved over to live with her, starting a minor education course just to stay with her in the country and to develop our relationship.

 

At first, all was well, as you might imagine, but soon she was saying I wasn't affectionate enough, I don't listen etc. She classed this as 'talking' but I saw it as criticism, particularly as i've never had these issues with any previous relationship and I do listen to people ALOT and take what they say on-board. I am very empathic towards people. The kicker was that one day she said she didn't find me passionate enough and she asked me if I enjoyed sex with her. I said I did but then she replied that she found it mechanical. I was really taken aback as well, i'm a guy in his 30s, fit, unselfish in bed and I know this not to be the case. The affection complaints I just couldn't understand at all and it started driving me nuts. For example, this sounds childish but it's how it happened; one day I finished work, she picked me up I kissed her hello, hugged her and then we went to the shops. We walked around holding hands etc then we went to the cinema. She curled up to me there,had my hand on her leg etc. then I was woken the next morning when she said she 'wanted to talk'. I was told I wasn't affectionate enough, she wasn't happy with me as I didn't listen and we could maybe just live together as friends. She also said that maybe i'd had all my fun with women in the past and now didn't want to make an effort (she was often asleep by 10.30 while I was still getting ready for bed). I felt it implied that I was boring. To put you in the picture, i've travelled all over the world, had two careers. In short,a colourful life with interests in everything.

 

We'd already had some discussions and arguments before about the same thing but I couldn't give more...more than I ever had to in my life in a relationship. I'd also said to her before that if the behaviour didn't change i'd leave. I said this in the heat of an argument but I did explain days later that I was serious about it if the criticism didn't stop. Anyway, as I just described above, it didn't stop. Towards the 'end' it was happening on average every four days. She admitted she was needy sometimes, insecure, felt I didn't love her enough and said she wanted to be treated like a 'princess' (the last one got alarm bells ringing). I did suggest that perhaps it was her perception that was askew not the reality of the situation. I say the 'end' but I was only there for about 10 weeks...having spent money for flights over, a course and shifting my life. We had planned on getting married in Spring this year. We had good times as well.

 

The last argument we had after a great night, the night before, I started packing my bags. I felt my situation was untenable and I simply couldn't win. I also felt if you say you are going to leave and don't then your partner has carte blanche to do as they please. I suppose this 'threat' didn't help her insecurity but I was hoping she'd be jolted into realising what was at stake.

 

I stopped sleeping with her as much and was less passionate at times as I felt I didn't want to reward her bad behaviour. Before she started acting up there were no issues. I wanted her to know it was unacceptable. I even explained calmly that it made me very stressed as I was under her roof, in a foreign country and was relying upon her to some extent and it didn't make me feel very passionate arguing. I left in the end. I booked flights but before doing so I told her that I had until 5pm to phone the airline after which the flights were gone so I wanted to speak to her about what we would do. After continuing to argue with me she left the house after saying I should 'just go'. She returned after the airline offices had closed. By this time I had changed my flights home. I was in her house and she had asked me to leave. I had nowhere else to go. The next day she was fine again and we even slept together that night, despite my misgivings, as I didn't want her to feel used. It was like she didn't understand that I was leaving. I told her I loved her and that wasn't why I was leaving, I was leaving as she said she wasn't happy, I wanted her to be happy with or without me as I care about her. I was asked to leave when she could have asked me to stay, instead of letting her ego rule her heart.

 

When leaving she suggested she may visit my country in summertime and I told her I did love her, we hugged and I went to the airport. After a short break in communication on my return we got in touch. It was full of the recriminations you might expect but I still never made any personal attacks. I just suggested that she needed to get her head in the right place for a relationship with anyone, I was willing to help and we could work on it together but first she had to commit to change and I would also work on things. I said to her I preferred talking on the phone about this as opposed to on-line but she continued typing, got upset and then shut me down. I then got a text saying that she thought it best we 'stayed clear of each other'. I responded apologising for any hurts I may have caused and I would respect her decision to break contact.

 

Fast forward just over two weeks and I received an email from her yesterday after no contact.

 

It's a tricky one.. It's difficult as, although I left I feel we never formally split. So, who's the dumper and who's the dumpee!? She blames me for leaving but I blame her for asking me to leave but i'm willing to move on from the blame game. The email is further complicated as she'd offered to reimburse my flights so it was stating that the money had entered my account but it started with 'how are you, i'm fine'. It also said 'we both wanted us to work and wanted the same things but such is life...' and was book-ended with conversation about her search for a new job, how her work was going etc.

 

Is she fishing for information, trying to keep lines of communication open or ....? Did she pay the money to assuage her guilt about me going over in the first place? I don't know. My instincts tell me that she still loves me and they also tell me that too much was left unsaid. I didn't want to leave, I just felt forced into it. I do still love her but I'm also rational and know I cannot make someone love me so I am prepared to move on also. I may actually be back where she lives this year but for my own career reasons and life so distance wouldn't be a hinderance either.

 

Apologies for this being so long winded but it's important to paint the picture. In short, I still love her and I am prepared to give it a go but ONLY if she agrees to address the issues and start work on them before anything happens. Any suggestions on what I do now and how and when do I respond to her email!??

 

Thanks

[mhowe]

There is nothing here to suggest she is taking any responsibility for her actions, nor that she still loves you. Your (both) lack of ability to communicate effectively --- while in the relationship is now magnified once you are out of it. She is not going to stop criticizing you, nor stop wanting to be treated like a princess....huge red flag btw.

 

Do not respond....move on.

[hurdygurdy]

MHowe, thanks for your response. She did complain that none of her ex's would listen to her and I took that at face value until I realised that perhaps they just got tired of listening to criticism. It's extremely frustrating as I was so careful to monitor her behaviour over the year prior to moving and so not a single sign of this. I have no issues with effective communication. It would have been pointed out by others at this point. There is a cultural difference as well; indian descent and anglo saxon descent so not sure if this made a difference. I guess perhaps i'm used to less traditional women. It never cease to amaze me how some people can just not be honest with themselves and admit an issue which recurs relationship after relationship; it always being the other person's fault.

[mhowe]

Exactly. You would have "heard" before this if you were a lousy communicator. It is her issue -- and she projects in on you. And what she refers to as "talking" which in actuality is criticism...gets very tiring.

 

Let go, move on and find someone who accepts you as you are.

[hurdygurdy]

Mhowe, thanks again for taking the time to read my posts but what is your opinion on the purpose of the email that I received? I would have seen that the money entered my bank account anyway so was there any need for her to email? Is she just looking for me to massage her ego? I should also point out that she is a strong believer in 'karma' although her actions would appear to state the opposite. I find people who focus too much on mysticism and belief systems often do so selfishly; it's all about them and their feelings.

 

Also, I do feel as if I should thank her for the reimbursement, out of politeness, although i'm not even sure that she deserves that. After all, I did fly to the other side of the World for her and felt that she was ungrateful, unappreciative and dis-respectful in some of her actions. I suppose it's the old chestnut that I find ithard to comprehend how someone can 'love' someone and then just switch that off suddenly. I wasn't even there long enough for a normal person to fall out of love. I'm really not that hard to live with.

[mhowe]

There is no purpose to the email and I would not respond. The money is in your acct, you funded the trip half way around the world to be treated w/ disrespect.

 

She is worried about Karma, or feeling guilty. You have nothing to answer to or for. Keep the money, ignore the contact.

 

Sadly, I doubt this will be her last attempt to contact you. And in short...you don't love her....you are just dealing w/ the emotional contrail left by the relationship. Find someone who appreciates you...

[meczam]

If she showed up at your front door tomorrow, you'd take her back in a heartbeat and you know this.

 

She sent you a vague "touching base email" and you're frantically trying to read between the lines to see if she maybe wants to reconcile.

 

She's not knocking.

 

She dumped you.

[hurdygurdy]

Mezcam....I am trying to read between the lines; true, but that is often the way with communciation and commonplace with people in my situation.

 

Her communication could purely have been functional; about the money. There was no need to fill me in on her life in the same communication. Why would she also want to 'touch base' when it was her who suggested we have no contact, something which I had honoured? It doesn't add up. She even commented on a post on my Facebook post split and this is from someone who 'doesn't do friends' with ex's.

 

I'm not sure that she dumped me. Neither of us said 'it's over'. I'd already made my mind up to leave and was already packed when she said 'just go'. She then told me the day I left that she never expected me to leave but I felt as an adult it's important to stick by decisions. Frankly I still wondered if I had been too rash (although looking at my emails I sent to to friends when I was there, i'm sure that I wasn't).

 

I was proud of myself for having the guts to leave; it was not easy returning home, and less easy after I returned when she said it had been my 'choice to leave, there are always options but you just left'. That doesn't sound like the words of someone who wanted me out of their life forever. This is what is confusing so it can be down to two things; she's looking for attention or she still has some sort of feeling for me. The question is do I want to respond or do I just leave it. I won't lie, I still care for her but I would never give it another shot until she took firm steps to sort herself out (if it even got this far). She told me she had seen a therapist, briefly, before but it was a waste of time and meditation helps her more (I disagree as it doesn't solve inherent issues). I am happy to remain friends but I know the reality is that either one of us will meet someone else and it will be hurtful. I just wanted to leave the door open for her when inevitably she does see how she messed up.

[mhowe]

Mezcam....I am trying to read between the lines; true, but that is often the way with communciation. I'm not sure that she dumped me. I'd already made my mind up to leave and was already packed when she said 'just go'. She then told me the day I left that she never expected me to leave.

 

Because she had made it so welcoming to stay? You left because she was unresponsive, critical and not emotionally available. And has made no sign that this would change. She sent cash -- not an apology.

[becomingkate]

I think her problem is that she doesn't know what she wants and I think she actually believes what she's saying! And that she'd lose it every four days makes me wonder if she's "cycling" through some mental disorder, like bi-polar or borderline personality disorder. Either way, the experience seems to to have messed with your life, I'd probably stay away from her!

[hurdygurdy]

Thanks for the responses...go easy on me as I don't need more of a battering. She didn't make it easy to stay, which is why I left but there was no malice intended; it's clearly just the way she is. I'm not making excuses for her or saying that it is acceptable behaviour. After all, that's why I left.

 

It's also not important to me about who dumped who. I'm more caught up on the fact it happened at all.. Also,in case i've given the wrong impression, it's not about the money; i'm not money oriented. I made it clear I didn't want it before I left it but she paid it anyway.

 

It was mixed in with her doing practical things to try and help me settle down there; helped with a job, would drive me to the station on her days off etc. etc. Her emotions didn't match that, which makes me believe that she is not in control of them. An apology would be good, i've only had apologies for her harsh words since i've returned but not the way she treated me whilst there. I do still love her, just not nearly as much as I did. I take love seriously and don't just bandy the term around, I suspect she has a different concept of love. Anyway, here's the email I was sent;

 

Hello,

 

 

 

I hope you are well. I’m well thanks.

 

 

 

I’ve transferred you the last XXX today. I hope the XXXX will be of good use for until you find a job if you haven’t already.

 

 

The good memories of us togeter will be with me forever.

 

 

 

Unfortunately things didn’t work out although we both wanted it to. That’s life, what can I say…

 

 

 

Hope u find the job that you deserve soon (if you haven’t already).

 

 

 

I’m still in the same job. Doing some paid over time soon for a while. Still looking around for something else. It will come in time I hope.

 

 

 

You take care of yourself and wish you all the very best in life.

[mhowe]

There is nothing between those lines. If you want it translated, here it is:

 

It was fun while it lasted. Have a nice life. Btw, was feeling guilty about all the money you put out, so am sending partial refund. Bye.

[hurdygurdy]

Thanks for the responses folks. Just be gentle with me! Firstly, i'm not too fussy about who dumped who. From my post header I meant in terms of breaking no contact and responding; it changes the picture depending upon who 'wronged' the other person. I may have given the impression that i'm money oriented but i'm not. I asked her not to give me the money but she did anyway. As for loving her, yes, admittedly I do still love her, just not nearly as much as I did. For me love is not something which can just be switched off overnight but it was hurtful what happened and she seemed to have no concept that I was hurt by me leaving too.

 

Her email was not functional as you can see below. There was no need to tell me what's happening in her life, especially as she 'never keeps in contact with ex's'. That's what is confusing. I agree with becomingkate, which was my main reason for leaving. Having been exposed to borderline personality disorder years ago in someone, I am extremely wary and some of the swings in behaviour reminded me of that, just not to the same extent. It's why I was careful to monitor. It always blows my mind how many people with problems there are out there. I also know that if she does have issues, they can be fixed; they are not pathological or close to it. Some are rooted in her observation of her father's behaviour when she was growing up and how he was abusive with her mother but it concerned me how she was always quiet round my friends and seemed a bit shutdown. Anyway, here's the email. I'm sure you can see how it gives off mixed signals.

 

Hello

 

 

 

I hope you are well. I’m well thanks.

 

 

 

I’ve transferred you the last $XXX today. I hope the $XXX will be of good use for until you find a job if you haven’t already.

 

 

The good memories of us togeter will be with me forever.

 

 

 

Unfortunately things didn’t work out although we both wanted it to. That’s life, what can I say…

 

 

 

Hope u find the job that you deserve soon (if you haven’t already).

 

 

 

I’m still in the same job. Doing some paid over time soon for a while. Still looking around for something else. It will come in time I hope.

 

 

 

You take care of yourself and wish you all the very best in life.

[mhowe]

I'm sure you can see how it gives off mixed signals.

 

Actually, no I can't. No mixed signals. Your reception is off.

[hurdygurdy]

Why bother though? She could have just said; 'here's the money' if she felt compelled to write anything at all. My point is that there is no need to tell me the rest of it. She also sent me $2000 so not a small amount of money, and she's not rich. She also closed her facebook account, twice in a fortnight, (I thought I was deleted) but then she re-opened it with me still as a friend on it...very strange. The thing is, I know I will hear from her again and I just want things to be done and not to be reminded and if we were to reconcile then we just get on with it.

[mhowe]

You are over analyzing this.

 

She is being polite, or worried about Kharma. There is no apology, there is no "I want to get back together". She is basically closing the door and saying "have a nice life".

 

Proceed at own risk.

[hurdygurdy]

Thanks. I double posted by mistake. I am over-analysing it but it's the right place to do it instead of harranguing her with texts and phone calls. I agree, she did say have a nice life before as well, before we broke contact and...well, she sends me another unnecessary communication. If someone is with a person who gets on a plane and leaves them they will never say they want to get back together as they feel dumped and their ego is bruised and I did find her a little egotistical at time as she's used to guys running after her due to her looks. No-one has ever left her before so even if she does still love me she would never ask me back or initiate that. Yes, she could apologise, and as I said, she's only done that for being unkind in earlier communications. She feels that I was the one who did wrong by leaving, by dumping her (as she would have it) and she cannot see beyond that. Hell hath no fury...

[mhowe]

Then this is pure ego reaching out to you, and as soon as you respond --- she will shut it down. Please, for your own healing -- chalk it up to experience.

[meczam]

Thanks for the responses folks. Just be gentle with me! Firstly, i'm not too fussy about who dumped who.

 

It's also not important to me about who dumped who.

 

The title of this thread clearly indicates that you are in fact deeply concerned with "who dumped who", and upon reading further into your story, it's also obvious (at least to me) that you are looking for signs that she might want to reconcile with you, including but not limited to trying to read between the lines of her email, which you seem to be completely misinterpreting, and that's understandable because it's human nature to see what you "want" to see rather than what's actually there.

 

From my post header I meant in terms of breaking no contact and responding; it changes the picture depending upon who 'wronged' the other person.

 

What do you mean your post header refers to "breaking no contact and responding"? She dumped you, and she sent a brief email as a sort of closure, "feel good about herself" sort of thing, nothing more. As far it changing the picture about who "wronged the other person", there is no right or wrong, you're overthinking this, again because you don't want it to be over, and again that's understandable but you really gotta be more in touch with your own feelings so you can get on with your life. There is no right or wrong, it's over, and you may feel like you were "wronged" by being dumped but she's under no obligation to stay with you and she doesn't owe you anything just because you had something together before.

 

Anyway, here's the email. I'm sure you can see how it gives off mixed signals.

 

I'm sure it doesn't give off any mixed signals but I'm sure you're grabbing for straws and hoping there's something in there that indicates she's having second thoughts, and sorry but I don't see it at all.

 

You take care of yourself and wish you all the very best in life.

 

This pretty much sums it up. She's done, it's over, she's gone.

 

I don't see any need to reply. To do so is like perpetuating slow torture.

[hurdygurdy]

Mhowe...thanks for your response. I feel that it is ego. It seems she cared little about my feelings when I was with her or the effect of her criticisms on me. It was all about what she wanted in life. Unfortunately for her, in a meaningful partnership, that's never going to work. No-one's ever left her before but perhaps it's time she learned; it might be a positive. I suppose I just feel foolish and very disappointed, almost in shock that it happened.

[hurdygurdy]

meczam...you seem a little obssessed with the fact she 'dumped me'. Can you tell me when that happened? Did you read my post? I LEFT the country she stayed in. Following rules of 'no contact; I was wasn't sure who should contact who, that was all, as usually it's up to the dumper. I don't find your posts particularly constructive so i'm not clear on what the purpose of them is unless you are trying to make me more upset. I don't mind comments, after all it's why I posted, but there are better ways to word things.

 

I also returned to the country at the start of this month so it's kinda difficult to 'get in touch with my feelings' after only a few weeks and the crushing disappointment. Perhaps if you've ever moved an entire life for someone only to have to return after doing all of that then you would understand.

[hurdygurdy]

Meczam...apologies if my last response was a bit over-zealous but I felt your responses were overly-critical and I was just saying be mindful that that's not great for people who are struggling with a relationship break-up. I tried to edit it but it was too late. I'm not an irrational person, god knows i've had enough experience of relationships, good and bad but they are all different and break=ups never get easier, perhaps even more difficult as we get older and you feel as if time is slipping away.

 

I guess at the end of the day I just want some kind of explanation from her so I can just move on properly, as we never really had any closure it was just; argument then leaving. I felt a rational conversation would have been good for me and her, although this was probably a pipe dream. If we'd lived in the same country I would probably have gone away for a few days and had space but it was impossible as I had nowhere to go apart from a motel (literally) and no-one to discuss things with (given time differences).

[meczam]

I understand.