When you realize your life has changed for good.

[evondavis1]

For the last 7 years, I was in a relationship doing my best to make my family happy. I cooked, cleaned, worked, was the best mom on the planet, took care of the finances, everything. It didn't hit me until recently that I was basically "used" for all these years. I made it very convenient for my ex to stay. Yes, we had great moments, but we also had bad moments. Looking back, I can remember him telling me he doesn't care what I do, or who I do it with. Why didn't I take that as a red flag? My ex stayed out of convience, and that is a bitter pill to swallow. To know that he never really cared as much as I did. No matter how I tried, and tried, and tried, it never mattered.

When he moved out 4 months ago, I never thought he would meet a younger girl and get married in 6 weeks, and now she is pregnant. She got what I wanted and worked so hard for 7 years. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my ex, and I don't know if I will ever be able to love and meet someone like that again. I am hurt, and damaged. There is so much hurt in my eyes. My son is my world, and I do everything I can to make sure he will have a happy life.

It's like working on a project so hard, for so many years, and then it fails. I feel like I failed in some way, and I have to forgive myself. I feel like I will never find a man like my ex that I was so attracted to and so in love with. I wish I was the one that can move on, like nothing ever happened. My ex has a new life, wife and baby on the way, all within months of our break. I wish I could just move on and be happy ;-(

[CatsMeeoow]

I'm so sorry to hear your pain.

 

Your ex moved on so quickly because he was never truly invested in the relationship. At least not for a very long time now.

 

And, while he was busy pulling away you were busy being superwoman. In your mind the more you cooked, cleaned, worked, was a mom, handled the household that was what made you attractive to your mate. I don't think he so much as used you but that he didn't value you.

 

Its already clear now that you've had time to reflect that there were red flags and issues and sometimes when we feel we truly love someone we don't easily see them. But, honey if he was as into you as you were to him he wouldn't have acted that way.

 

Now, as much pain and grief that you are feeling right now you will move on. Focus on what is great in your life rather than what you don't have. No one is going to rush you to the next step. Everyone needs time to grieve a relationship and learn from the experience but there will be a day where you will look back at this and see how much better your life has become for the way you negating the obstacles!

 

Happiness will come.... HUGS!

[TalkThatTalk9]

I too was with a man 6 half years, lived together 3. I cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, etc. because I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him.

no matter what though, he always found something wrong to make me feel bad. was never good enough.

each year that passed I would hope it was thw year I would finally make him happy enough to propose to me.. never did. he always made something up I needed to change before he would ever marry me,

 

all those years I spent trying to be the happy little wife for him, and what does he do? he leaves me for his friends wife. a woman who he constantly compared me to.

(oh, she makes her dinner this way, why dont you do that?)

I feel jipped... she gets him after all tge work I put into the relationship. I fear their engagement future children. I just have a feelimg its going to happen soon.

 

but here is the thing... I spent all those years trying to make him husband material, and it did not work. GOOD LUCK TO HER. hope he makes her as miserable as he made me.. they both deserve it. and each other.

 

I will find myself a man I do not need to change.

[evondavis1]

Sad but true. My ex never valued me. This is what we fought about constantly ;-(. I always told him I felt unappreciated. I wanted him to somehow show me he cares. Now I know that no matter what I did, he couldn't do that for me, because he didn't "value" me.

There are so many things that I did, to go out of my way to make this person happy. When we first met, within 6 months, he convinced me to start a business. I was very aprehensive at first, but with persuasion, I did it. I started it by myself, and ran to the company for 6 years. Its was a trucking company, and he drove one of the trucks. I did everything from dispatching, invoicing, taxes, payroll, reporting, etc. I mean everything!

I always felt used.

For example, I always brought up how I would love flowers. For years and years and years. Not once did he bring me flowers. If my partner wanted something like this, then I would go out of my way to make sure they are happy. That is common sense to me.

My ex has whats called seasonal affective disorder. As soon as the warm weather goes away, he becomes depressed. So I bought him one of those lights that is supposed to help. He wanted nothing to do with it. OK, so I returned it.

My ex has back problems, has had surgeries. So I recommended buying a special insert for driving his truck to help his back out. He was not interested.

One of my best friends is a chiropractor, and she was seeing my ex for free. He went once, and said he wasn't interested. Mind you going to a chiropractor is sooooo expensive, and she was doing him a favor.

I love going out to dinners, bars, concerts...my ex never wanted to do these things unless it meant staying within a 1 mile radius of our home. We live in Chicago, there are so many places to go, but he would stick to 3-4 places only.

 

5 months out, and I coming to the realization that it was not meant to be, that we were delaying the inevitable. My problem now is how to let go. How to pick up the pieces and move on. I am trying so hard, and do feel better, on some days. 7 years and a 3 year old son. I thought when I made him leave he would realize what he has at home, instead he chose path B, a new wife, a new life, and a new child. All within 4 months.

[sarahvalent]

Oh come on Evon... You were with him for 7 years so you're obviously mature and you're a woman. Take out the feelings and look at it objectively - A BLESSING IN DISGUISE. Thank GOD you only spent 7 years with him, you have a lot of years left to dedicate to someone who WILL appreciate you, to find your boundaries and not do all the house work for the next man (and there will be a next man - do NOT be a fool and set yourself up as a martyr for the next 30 years, responsible for all the housework etc. it's 2013 for goodness sake!)

Give your love to your son. Make new friends and start new hobbies. You clearly have a lot of love to give so start moving towards being in a position to give it to someone decent. Considering you're clearly a giver, I'd also consider volunteering somewhere where you can actually help and will be appreciated like a soup kitchen.

And let's be honest, do you honestly think he loved this woman after 6 weeks!?? And that's why he married her?? Get a grip. And do you honestly think that this younger woman is going to so all the housework for him!? He probably has no idea what he's got himself into, but who cares really, for YOU it is a BLESSING that this happened. Do NOT teach your son that its ok to be a martyr by doing everything for your man, regardless of how much you complain about it he will grow to be like that too because that's what he will see. Set him a better example.

 

You're a woman honestly... Look at the plight of women over the years and how strong we are. You were dealt a poor hand but you contributed to the relationship continuing in which you sacrificed yourself. The love you gave your ex is great, but ONLY when it is given to a responsible decent person in a good environment.

 

You have a lot to learn about relationships and about self love. Love that is at the expense of yourself and which involves pain is not the type you want in a relationship. Doing things for someone won't make them love you, it will only make YOU invested in them - being yourself, following your passions and loving yourself is what will attract a good person.

[evondavis1]

Yes, I learned to live half-alive with this man. The fog is lifting for me, slightly, little bit day by day.

Always concerned with him, and what was going on in his head. 7 years I spent wondering if he would ever commit, if he truly wanted to be with me. Now I know. I can't say that I wasted 7 years, but I can say it was a learning experience. I can say that there are men out there who will appreciate what I have to offer. No one is perfect, I am not perfect, but I do the best I can. We all have good days and bad days. Especially being women, we feel and see things so differently. I have to forgive myself, first and foremost. I have to realize my part in the failure of this relationship, and that fault is I cared too much. I cared so much that our fights were always about that. My boundaries were trampeled on when we were together, and I knew that. There were nights and days were I cried and cried and cried because he wasn't even giving me a tenth of what I deserve. I don't ask for much, just show me you care.

I have to learn more about relationships and what is acceptable behaviors. I also have to learn to 100% love myself again. It's a slow healing process for me.

I made the mistake of being pretty, pretty housewife to a man who didn't appreciate what was in front of him. Lesson learned.

Now my other concern is that my son has a "insta step-mom" Ughh, this is sick. Sick because my ex didn't tell anyone he was eloping, and nobody knew she existed. People still thought we were together. This man clearly has issues. Not my concern anymore, however what he did after our breakup just proves what kind of person he is.

He is a 37 year old man, no job (I dissolved the business this month), lives with his sister and her family, no health or car insurance because I cancelled it - and gets married to a 24 year old, student (a russian immigrant here on a VISA). Wow, you can't write a bad movie like this. Unfortunatley, this is my reality. Unfortunatley, this man is in my life for a long time because we have a son. Good news is that I have NC, or very limited contact, for our son, that's all.

[CatsMeeoow]

Hang in there....

 

I have a friend I often have to remind her that she sets her value and I will do the same to you. You are in control of your value. If this man never once made any concessions in 7yr to something that was important to you then all you did over the years was to continue to mark yourself down till you ended on the clearance rack with yet a bigger deduction.

 

Being appreciated is one of my biggest needs. I communicated this to my husband. I do all the same stuff in my family that you were doing for yours and yes sometimes I feel taken for granted. When I've reached my limit I just have to give my husband that look or even quietly state that my need isn't being met. He then does what he should be doing and he starts telling me thank you for this or I wasn't expecting that and thanks. Real men do this so don't settle for less!!! Now in return I know what my husbands biggest need is and sometimes I need to be reminded but it is very give and take as it should be.

 

Now I won't lie... its going to suck sending your son off to his fathers so another woman gets to look after him. Been there... done that... All I can say is just be as positive as possible for your son. Don't let him see the anger or disappointment you are feeling toward his dad... he is afterall his dad. If your son does start to have issues with his dad let it be because of his own interactions with his father and not from your influence... and even then you have to do your best to encourage the relationship... been there and done that too.

 

Life does get better. Not always right away but it really does. There is a guy out there for you and when you are ready it will happen.

 

HUGS!

[evondavis1]

Wow, absolutely amazing when you said what real men do, and what they do to either go out of their way to make you happy, or just validate you being you! My ex always told me he will never be like any of his married friends. That he will never back down to any women, or agree with them just to keep the peace, or apologize for anything he doesn't feel like. WOW! I felt brainwashed, and actually thought that this behavior is what a real man does. After talking to so many married men, they all say they do what they can to keep the wife/girlfriend happy. It seemed like my ex was just so stubborn. He even told me my stepdad was weak, submissive and pathetic because of how he is with my mom. I was so upset. My stepdad is more of a man than my ex would ever be. My parents have been married for 20 years, and they are completely in love with each other. Just because my stepdad is a casual, non agruementative man, doesn't make him submissive and pathetic. I can't believe the things that have come out of my ex's mouth.

[Angel Irulan]

Please put yourself into therapy to see why you ignored the red flags. Take some small consolation that he will likely do the same things to her!

 

Angel

[evondavis1]

Yes, I started therapy in September of 2012. My therapist actually was the one to give me the tools needed to make me realize I needed my ex to leave. She told me to make a mental filing cabinet in my head, document and record each event, give myself a time frame - 6, 9, 12 months, and then pull that file out and decide what to do. Well, 1 year later, that file cabinet came out and **** hit the fan. I told my ex "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

I am more hurt and disappointed in myself. I am more upset that with all the red flags, I didn't make better decisions. It was a very difficult relationship, you see, the dynamic changed into business partners as well. I hated that, I hated it from the beginning, and that was no secret. I wanted a relationship, not a business/parents/maybe marriage crap relationship.

 

Oh, it's in my head everyday, how he will treat his new "wife". I can't help but wonder if he will change and be better to her, or if she will just go with the flow. Why, after all the BS, do I still have this tiny little trace of hope? I don't have an answer for that. Everyday, morning, noon, night, it's on my mind. Not that I want him back, hell no at this point. However I am only 4 months out, and I don't know how my world turned out like this.

 

Also, it was hard to see what was happening in the relationship when so much was happening around us. The business, our son, our home, our families, etc. Too much was going on, and he couldn't focus on us.

[evondavis1]

The second we broke up 4 months ago, he turned into this raging man, who blamed me for everything. Blamed me for kicking him out, blamed me for our high debt due to the business, everything. To our last conversation, he blamed me constantly.

He had mentioned that when he got married he was lonely, and that he did feel guilty eloping. Just so happens the morning before his wedding, I sent him an email telling him that are more in debt than he thought. So he told me that email just pushed him to get married even more. Does this make sense to anyone?

Every conversation, text, email, we have had during that first 3 months, he would tell me that I kicked him out. He has proved to the world what kind of person he is. Rebound marriage, accidental pregnancy, losing a business....yes this is my fault (sarcasm)

[evondavis1]

Update for today:

 

Phew, I made it past day 22, and now I am on day 28, almost 1 month since we last spoke on the phone. I started to go to a seperation/divorce support group through my church, and it has helped alot. I started to go to church about 4 months ago, when we first broke up because I needed a safe place to go with my thoughts and feelings. I am so grateful that I started going.

When I was in therapy for the last year, it only seemed like she was listening to me, pointing out the faults with my ex and asking why I stayed. She listened more than giving me advice, which I understand. I have to learn on my own why I stayed, and let him use and devalue me for 7 years. You see, I have dealt with insecurity and low self esteem issues for a long time, but when I met my ex, they were triggered and got worse. I have had 3 long term relationships before him, and I do not remember any of them being awful to me, or calling me out on being insecure. All the ex's from my past helped me in some way, they brought out the fun, crazy, happy, silly woman that I truly am. None of my ex's ever called me names, or were mean.

I remember days where I would be acting silly or laughing, and my ex would ignore me, or tell me I am being retarded. I recently went back to work, and everyone says they are so happy to see me back to myself, a bubbly, always have a smile on my face women. I let my ex take that away from me. I let him in my mind and body, now I have to forgive myself and go back to the strong independent and fun woman that I am.

I tried for years to try and change this man, this is my fault. He is incapable of truly being a partner. I remember crying so many times, saying that I wish he would be my friend. Might sound crazy, but I want my partner to be my friend. I want to share stories, I want to lay in bed at the end of the day and talk about our days. I want a partner. There were times when I asked my ex if he would hang out with me in the backyard during the summer. After a long day of being a mom, and working for the company we owned, I wanted to unwind, with a glass of wine, and hang out in the back yard. His response every time "what the **** are we going to talk about?"

Why did I stay? I don't know.....I was trying to make something work that wasn't meant to be. Every time I had a concern, or brought up how I was feeling, he would throw something at my face. I told him there were times that I just needed a hug to feel better, and he couldn't do that. I was delaying the inevitable, we should have broke up a long time ago.

I feel better, but there is a part of me that is missing. Missing him, or who I wanted him to be.

I keep wondering if his relationship will work out with his wife, and their baby that is on the way. I would hate for that baby to be brought into this world just like my son. My son deserves a full time father, not every other weekend disney land dad. I did not bring my son into this world to have him hurt in any way, and my ex has already done that. Now I will do anything and everything for my son. He will have a wonderful life ;-)

I am not a fortune teller and cannot predict the future, but some part of me thinks that I will never find someone again. I will have a very hard time trusting my feelings with a man again. I am afraid of getting hurt like this again. In some way, I want my ex to hurt, hurt like crazy. Feel what I have been feeling the last few months.

During one of our breakup conversations, he told me he loves to make people happy, and make sure everyone has a good time. He told me he should have been a rockstar on a stage, and then in the same sentence, says he doesn't care if he lives in the woods by himself?!?!?

I realize also, that he projected his mentally unstable mind into my mind. That he had convinced me that I was sick and unstable. Thank god I don't feel like that anymore, thank I know better, and he is the one with the problem.