No Contact Worked, and We're Talking Again!

[Boomshine]

For anyone who may not be familiar with my story, my ex girlfriend and I were together for 4.5 years. Then we broke up mid December. Tomorrow would have been 1 month since the breakup and I started NC. But she called me today. And we have plans for coffee tomorrow.

 

She broke up with me because she fell out of love with me. She still loves me, in that she cares about me and wants the best for me, but the romance just died. I figured out that it was primarily and mostly due to how my behaviors had changed since we'd been together, and in the last month, I've been working on that intensively, for the sake of myself. I lacked confidence, I lacked purpose in life, I lacked a happiness that came from within myself. I was insecure and constantly vying for her attention. Can't say I blame her for falling out of love. I was definitely unattractive. But since I've been working on it, and broadcasting my new-and-changing lifestyle to my friends on Facebook, she's clearly been taking notice at all the new fun I'm having compared to the dull, droll, sedentary lifestyle that she saw while we were together.

 

I was worried going into it. She's very reserved, and can be stubborn at times too. She also bottled her emotions quite a bit. So I was worried that she might become forever set in a state of "It's over, nothing can be done about it. Move on, forget this chump." But she called me up today. I gave her roommate some paperwork for a bill owed at the previous apartment that the three of us shared. She passed it along to my ex for me, and today my ex decided to call up to "touch base" on the bill. So we talked about the bill for a few moments, came on an agreement on how to pay it, and then I mentioned to her that I also now have the money I owe her which she let me borrow 2 months ago. I said "Hey, I've got your money now. Let's meet up for coffee and a croissant; I can pay you back and we can catch up on old times a bit." She almost immediately said, "Yeah, sounds great!" We talked for a few minutes more before I let her go, telling her, "Hey, I have to get back to work now, but it was really nice talking to you again," to which she replied, "It was nice talking to you, too!" with a definite smile on her face. You know how when you're on the phone, you can hear when someone is smiling while they're talking to you? Yeah, she had that going on.

 

It made me feel ecstatic! Now, I get exactly what I've been wanting to do this whole time. I get a chance to start a fresh, new beginning with this woman (wherever it might take us). We'll get to meet up like old friends, and who knows, maybe she'll find the me sitting in front of her ridiculously attractive again over the course of a few lunch meetups, trips to the mall, concerts, etc. You know, stuff you'd do with other friends, or even a new potential love interest.

 

If you're in the same situation where you and your ex split fairly amicably (as in, there wasn't any screaming, blaming, fighting (physically or verbally), cheating or other trust-issues, whatever...), I highly recommend what I'm doing, where you try and start things anew with them. A lot of people on this forum and all over the internet will constantly tell you things like "An ex is an ex for a reason." and "When they call you after you've been NC, you tell them 'If you don't want to be with me, I can't have you in my life anymore,' and if they don't want to be with you right then and there, they lose you forever."

 

An ultimatum is not going to get you the results you want, unless you're extremely lucky, and your SO's feelings have flooded back while you're gone. But really, all those chances all that likely? I realize I'm using a video game here in comparison to real life, but it does have some significance still: Look at the Sims. As your characters interact with others, their reputation/relationship meters start to rise and fall between a range of -100 to 100. And the way the numbers climb and fall is always in a roller coaster pattern. You don't start out being at 80 with someone, then the next second, you've dropped to -100. It climbs and falls as time goes on. And chances are, after being in your unattractive state for some time, your ex's feelings for you started to decline, even if you were in a situation like me where they weren't vocal about it until it was too late. While my girlfriend and I were together and happy, we were both elated. You could say our Sims meters were anywhere between 80 and 100 all the time. Then by the time she broke up with me, her meter was probably at like a 4.

 

So in the time we've been apart, that number may have climbed somewhat, if she's been thinking about good memories between us, but it's not likely going to get that much higher than that 4. The only way realistically I could expect to raise that number now is to spend time with her (like you would any other crush) and get to know each other. Have fun with each other. Flirt when the time comes to it. See if she becomes attracted to the man I've now become. If not, oh well, it wasn't meant to be. But at least now I have an actual chance to win her back again, as opposed to simply telling her on the phone "Hey, if you don't want to be with me, I want you out of my life." I'm sure that'd go over well with her relationship meter for me reading at a 4.

 

And that's why I'm saying No Contact worked, even though we're not together. Because I didn't expect us to be together right after no contact. All I was looking for with NC was a chance to rebuild myself, give her time to rebuild herself how she needs (as well as feel the sting of not having me in her life), and maybe one day be able to start things over as if it'd never happened before if she decided to call me (which she did).

 

I don't see winning her back as a goal of NC, because you can't honestly expect to win someone back after you've been absent like that. And especially not when the first time you hear from them, through issuing an ultimatum. NC should be 1 of 2 steps in winning them back. Half is NC. If they get a hold of you at some point, you get to proceed to Step 2 - Reconnecting. At this point, you basically treat them like you would a stranger/new acquaintance. Don't talk about your past, etc. Talk about new things, things moving forward, and most importantly have fun. And just like you wouldn't spring a "Will you go out with me?" on someone you don't know at all, you don't do it with them on the first meetup. You go out on a few meetups/dates, let things progress normally, feel the butterflies flittering in your stomach again, then wait to ask them out sometime later when you feel the chemistry between you two again. If it's not there, well, hey you tried, but you have to be willing to move on at that point.

 

And I am. I ready to go back to Square One and try things again. And if us getting together doesn't happen, it's not going to be the end of the world for me. Because I've found how to be happy with myself again. There's still plenty out there for me to explore, even if she decides she doesn't want to be my exploration partner for a second time.

 

If you want to know what I've been doing, it's really simple.

• I've been working out again. Working out releases endorphins, the feel-good hormones. Makes me more attractively physically, sharper mentally, and obviously healthier as well.
  
• I've been spending my newfound free time indulging in hobbies, like playing guitar, learning another language, playing games with friends, going out and being social with friends, as well as adapting to my new surroundings in the apartment I just moved in to.
  
• I've been surfing forums and reading eBooks on No Contact and whatnot, and truly learning the ideals behind it, so that I understand everything as opposed to simply putting the wheels in motion because someone told me to.
  
• I've been getting over her. I learned what getting over someone was, and realized it was way different than what I had thought it to be this whole time, and realized that ironically, if I'm ever to win this girl back, it'll only be after we've both gotten over each other (because it will also allow us to start from Square One).
  
• I've been going to bars with friends to talk to and flirt with random women. I've also been going on dates. It's given me a huge boost of confidence, and helped me further my progress in getting over her by seeing that there most definitely are other opportunities out there, and no stuck in One-itis mode.
  
• Most of all, I've been having fun. Not only has it been what I've been needing this whole time, it's also what your partner is looking for in their significant other. EVERYONE wants to have fun. It's why we go to bars and clubs, arcades, amusement parks, etc. We want to have fun. And we want to have fun with our significant others. If you're no longer having fun, they won't have fun with you.
  

 

That's what I have to give to you, my friends. I hope it helps you and inspires you. It definitely has for me. I haven't felt this flame of inspiration burning this boldly inside of me for years, and it's great to finally have it back again. Her breaking up with me was a wake up call. And I can proudly say, even though I had to suffer through the pain of being broken up with, at least in the end run, I'm finally awake and alive again.

[seoulmate]

I think you're jumping ahead of yourself - especially with your title "No contact worked".

 

First, you sent your former roommate some info about the bill from the old apartment and your ex followed up about it - as anyone would when money is involved.

 

Second, you offered to meet to give her some money you owe her. So, she agreed. You threw in the money AND coffee and croissant. So, you think she said "Great!" because you're buying her a snack or because she's getting money you owed her?

 

Sorry to be the bearer of limited expectations...BUT...

 

You're jumping WAY ahead of yourself here and unless you can take heartbreak number two like a champ I'd settle back a bit and not get overly anxious.

 

The "ecstatic" part of your story worries me for you. After all, I think she'd like her money. I think she'd like to get this bill taken care of also.

 

I think you're (especially with the list of changes and what to do/not to do) making this out to be way more than it is. Sorry, but just being blunt.

 

Let's be honest here....you've made some positive steps in your life. But that started 1 month ago. And she fell out of love with you. Yes, it's nice for you to see her again but the "old friends" stuff you wrote about is a tell tale sign that you're expecting way way too much. Unfortunately, I don't see this heading in any positive direction.

 

What happens if she shows up to meet you a guy friend comes along?

What happens if you see her tomorrow and she ignores you every time you reach out to "hang out like old friends" after that?

 

I don't know..I hope things work out for you but I (from the mindset you're in) am worried that you'll take a knife to the heart again....

[appies]

totally agreed, don't get too ahead of yourself. This could workout, but it might not. You've given plenty of good advice in this forum, so just remember to be cool, calm and collective.

[Shane Falco]

You need to massively pump the brakes or this is just going to go badly. You got the meeting. That's good. Don't go all crazy about it.

[Boomshine]

She didn't have to get a hold of me. She could've merely given the money to her roommate every month to hand off to me. She didn't have any questions about the bill either, nor really any comments. If anything, it was an acknowledgement. Not much more than that.

 

And yeah, I'm sure she's eager to get her money back. But at the same time, she didn't have to say yes to coffee. Nor did she have to be happy about it. I'm not making this out to be more than it is though, because I have no expectations beyond this point. I know how I would like things to happen, but it's not like I'm sitting here planning out how it's most definitely going to work. No, I'm just happy I got to this point.

 

If she shows up with a guy, well hey, message heard loud and clear. If she ignores me for future hangouts, then so be it. Back into NC and see if maybe she comes around later. I won't be sitting around waiting for it to happen. It'll be one of those situations where if it happens, great, and if not, oh well, I'm still movin on, so life is good.

 

 

 

 

 

I guess the post sounded a bit more excited than truly intended. I'm definitely happy, but not anxious or wound up or anything of the sort. I'll post back tomorrow afterward to let you guys know how things go, but seriously, all I'm hoping for tomorrow is about 30 minutes of fun, friendly conversation, and that's it. If I can't even get that, a reevaluation will be in order, but I think things are going to be just fine.

[fxluhe]

looking forward to hearing from you of more good news!

[appies]

thats totally cool, was just saying it for your own benefit. If all you are aiming for is a quick catch up then all the best to you. I'm glad you're acknowledging that there is little potential in simple coffee. But at the very least you can leave her on a good note and a nice image of you.

[Zoobug]

Well, I for one am happy to hear this for you Keep us posted on how things go!

[Boomshine]

thats totally cool, was just saying it for your own benefit. If all you are aiming for is a quick catch up then all the best to you. I'm glad you're acknowledging that there is little potential in simple coffee. But at the very least you can leave her on a good note and a nice image of you.

 

I understand. And I appreciate it.

 

By no means do I expect during the 30 minutes or so tomorrow that she'll be wanting to get back together. All I'm hoping for is friendly conversation. A step in the right direction. The fact that she's gone from not wanting to speak to me at all to being receptive for a coffee invite was already a step as well, so that'll be two steps further than yesterday. Progress will be slow, but could pick up speed in later stages. Let's just see if I can even get there without burning out.

 

But believe me. I'm cool, calm, and collected right now. Confidence is coursing through my veins. Tomorrow is going to be chill.

[Marshall11]

Hey boomshine it's amazing to hear your positivity.

 

I've read your comments on other threads and always admired your outlook and I think learnt from you.

 

I agree it does sound positive and you have completely the right frame of mind. This is a new relationship you want to start right? Not go back to the old one? I'm happy for you.

 

I'm in a similar situation. 7 weeks BU. I tried the begging and pleading and then went NC with an end date to meet up and finalise/discuss things with him. NC has allowed me to realise the happiness I have in life without him and that I choose him rather than need him. Before NC it felt like I really needed him, couldn't live without him you know?

 

Anyway - he got in touch. He inititiated contact and last night he came to my house (I'm snowed in) with supplies and stayed 8 hours. We had a great time and just chatted, and laughed. No drama.

 

I really believe if you have a strong enough love bond then there is always a way to rebuild and start again because love doesn't go away. We all need a wake up call every now and then to remind us never to assume this is forever and never take our lover for granted.

 

I'm aware we're not back together yet - same as you - but I also am hopeful that if I handle this right and spend time with him and show him why he loved me for the last 2 and 6 m years then we can rebuild.

 

I wish you all the best. You'll be fine however it goes because you have your head screwed on.

[incandescent]

good luck for tomorrow, be sure to report back here with what happen, best of luck! but if its reconciliation your after, you might be in for a rude-awakening... but definitely a step in the right direction, best of luck!

[2bcome1]

Wear your best cloth's and aftershave and knock her dead mate.

**** luck,go get her

[Spec Stockholm]

Your situation is very somilar to mine, so, keep us posted! Best of luck!

[Boomshine]

good luck for tomorrow, be sure to report back here with what happen, best of luck! but if its reconciliation your after, you might be in for a rude-awakening... but definitely a step in the right direction, best of luck!

 

Someday down the line, I'd like a second chance obviously, but I'm willing to take the time and effort to make this woman fall for me again as she did before. If it's not possible, well then, hey, not much more I can do. But I know her type of guy, and I just so happen to be that guy when I'm doing things right. And I think I've got my head back on fairly straight, so we'll see how things go.

 

Wear your best cloth's and aftershave and knock her dead mate.

**** luck,go get her

 

I'm on it like Blue Bonnet! I've got new clothes she's never seen before, borrowing cologne from my roommate (so a scent she's never smelled on me before), and changed my hair color (something I never did while we were together). I'm hoping all this, coupled with a fun and friendly attitude that's focused on the future as opposed to bringing up the past, will force her to see me in a new perspective, allowing me to make new impressions upon her as opposed to her simply thinking that it's more of the same old crap with me.

 

Your situation is very somilar to mine, so, keep us posted! Best of luck!

 

Will do, definitely! Cheers!

[Boomshine]

The meetup was a smashing success. I met her with a hug, then we walked around the adjoined bookstore for a few minutes, then went into the coffee shop, got some drinks and food, and just sat and talked like old friends. We talked about movies, TV on Netflix, her new apartment, how things are going at work, about Oprah's interview with Lance Armstrong, just all sorts of stuff. Never brought up the relationship at all, did flirt with her a tiny bit, made some kino here and there. I left saying I had to go get ready for work, which I do, so I left her wanting more, and said if you want to hang out again, let me know, to which she replied "Yeah, definitely!!" Then she hugged me goodbye, and said "It was nice spending time with you again." Great hug too. ^.^

 

We laughed, she giggled at my bad jokes, and we just had fun. I think as long as things progress in a similar fashion, I could have her back in my arms in the future. But for now, it's just all about being good friends, showing her a fun time, and showing her my re-found attractive qualities. That's gonna take time if it's going to happen though, so I'm in no hurry.

[incandescent]

holy ****, well done man! really pleased for you! just take things niiiiiiiiiiiiiiccceeeee and slloooowwwwwwwww

[mtski]

i agree.... it is a wake up call to lose someone. sometimes you just assume they will be there forever and dont recognize all the things they do for you because they do them all the time and you just get used to it. but once their gone, you appreciate the little things, you appreciate them. i think its right to start off as if their a new person and its a new situation and only move forward as if you dont know them.

 

i decided i have to have faith in god because i never did before. it will give me the confidence i need to deal with life.d so when i emailed me ex and he wrote me back i decided that was like me planting a seed. you have to have faith it will grow and patience. don't have a timeline. so in order to give myself a visual... im actually going to plant a flower seed. i can be really impatient at times, and i think this will help me love and patience

 

good luck!!

[Shane Falco]

Sounds like you handled that perfectly. Nice work. Keep it up.

[almostparadigm]

That sounds really great! But do you not worry about her just wanting to be friends and being friendzoned?

[Boomshine]

That sounds really great! But do you not worry about her just wanting to be friends and being friendzoned?

 

Not at all. The reason I don't worry is because the friends zone is a myth. Actually, it's more of a misnomer - It's named improperly. Women will have sex with their friends. There is a no-sex zone, but it's based off of attraction. And women can MOST DEFINITELY be attracted to their friends.

 

Technically, for the last 8 months of our relationship, my ex and I were FWB. In actuality though, every single facet of our relationship was there except she wouldn't say she loved me, and we didn't have titles.

 

Plus, I've proven to myself that I most definitely can find other girls, so I'm not stuck in this One-itis mode. I mean, I do love her, but I could find another love if it came down to it. I don't NEED her. I just want to be with her.

[2bcome1]

Great stuff Boom,

Your handling her with the right attitude mate and that's what get's the girl in the end.

Keep up the good work.

[Spec Stockholm]

That sounds really great! But do you not worry about her just wanting to be friends and being friendzoned?

 

That is a valid concern. If an ex asks, "can we be friends?", it seems no matter what you answer, you end up losing. If you answer yes, then you have to hang out with her, wanting to be back in a relationship, but can't. Also, you have to see them with any other guy she'll end up with. If you answer no, then any chances for further advances get blown out of the water.

 

I guess the best answer you can give is "Do I have to answer this now...?"

[Boomshine]

That is a valid concern. If an ex asks, "can we be friends?", it seems no matter what you answer, you end up losing. If you answer yes, then you have to hang out with her, wanting to be back in a relationship, but can't. Also, you have to see them with any other guy she'll end up with. If you answer no, then any chances for further advances get blown out of the water.

 

I guess the best answer you can give is "Do I have to answer this now...?"

 

People can develop feelings for friends. It happens ALL THE TIME. Relationships can spring up out of nowhere. If during the course of being friends with your ex, you wind up getting a permanent seat in the supposed "Friend Zone," it's because you still haven't truly worked on you while you were NC, and she's not finding you attractive. But again, women WILL have sex with their friends. They just never display it publicly, for many significant reasons. And women can also very much develop feelings for friends. Go do a web search for "falling for my best guy friend" and "falling for my ex boyfriend again." See how many results pop up.

 

Even if after going through NC, and while hanging out with your ex again for the first time, if she asks you if you two can just be friends, you can say yes. Because saying you're friends now doesn't hurt your chances later on, and in fact, it will help lower her defenses and get her to be more friendly and fun with you (which you want).

 

The way I'm looking at my situation is this:

Essentially, yesterday was my ex and I meeting each other for the very first time. And it just so happens that in that 30 minutes together, I got the equivalent of 4.5 years of knowledge about her. (As in, I made ZERO reference to the fact that we were together before - It's obviously THERE, but we didn't talk about it at all. We just went out, drank some coffee, and had a really fun conversation together which we both enjoyed.)

 

I see her as a brand new crush. And that's it, just a crush. I like her, but if we're going to get together, we're going to have to win each other over. Not just me winning her over: She has to win me over as well. But of course, I'm not going to reveal my hand to her until I know she's feeling similar feelings. You wouldn't just randomly walk up to any girl you know and tell her you have a crush on her, at least not without knowing she feels the same way.

 

And even if my ex did have some good feeling crop up for her in the time that we've been apart, it's not going to be enough to make her attracted to me again. It was enough to get her out of No Contact though. Yes, she contacted me about a bill that we owe, but that's also the type of girl she is: Stubborn, and not one to wear her emotions on her sleeve. It doesn't matter what she used to break the NC, because fact of the matter is, I still got that awesome coffee hangout with her, all because she called me about a carpet bill.

 

But there's still a lot of feelings to build up. So what I'm going to do is continue hanging out with her as friends every now and again. Not putting too much speed or escalation into anything, I'm definitely going to wait a week or two for the next hangout, to continue showing her that I don't "need" her anymore, and all my neediness and attention seeking is behind me. When we do hang out, I'll make sure to focus on things like not fidgeting or breaking eye contact constantly, so as to further display my confidence again. She'll see my leadership skills through my planning where and when we go to do things.

 

Like Matt Huston says, you want to use a platonic vibe to sneak in under her radar and re-build lost attraction. You WANT to hang out with your ex as friends, while displaying attractive traits to her.

 

If she thinks that you desperately want to be with her still, she going to have MAJOR defenses up. She's not likely going to have as much fun, and will be more worried about defending off your advances. However, if you come in just as old friends like I did, and never once mention anything about the past, nor anything about how you feel for her, you get her defenses down, and she's MUCH more willing to have fun with you. And having fun is a critical component in winning someone over.

 

If you don't believe me or anything I've said, then fine. Here's some homework for you. Go find 5 women. For extra credit, make it 10 women. You don't need them all at the same time, one-by-one is perfectly fine. Ask each of these women if they've EVER had romantic feelings start to crop up for any of their male friends. Or for their exes for that matter.

 

Take a notebook with you, jot down the woman's first name, and her answer to those questions. You don't need to know the names of the guys or anything, you just want to know if they answer yes or no to these two questions. After you have all your answers, sit down, and just mill it over. I bet you most of those women say Yes to having some sort of feelings for a guy friend at one point or another.

 

It's called a crush, and everyone has them. Being friends with your ex doesn't lock you in a broom closet to never be dusted off again, not as long as you know how to act. Being friends with your ex will allow her to develop feelings and maybe a crush for you again. And if your ex starts crushing on you again, and chasing after you, as opposed to you chasing her, then voila! Love may very well sprout once more!

[DiesPulchra]

Wow! I wish you the best of luck. I am in a similar situation, except I actually did let me ex know that I have some feelings for him that are more towards a desire to date him. We both haven't brought it back up since October, especially since he said he would like to wait until we're face to face in January.

 

We met up last week for the first time in person in 8 months, had a great conversation, but the relationship and topic of dating was not brought up. He indicated he wanted to see me again. I invited him out, he declined, but then was curious who I was going with and how it was the next day (to which I did not give a lot of details).

 

I say this to you because my question is this: how are you handling resisting the urge to bring it up to your SO? I really would just like to know where we both stand, but I'm afraid that if I bring it up to him again, I'll just be biting myself in the face! Or, do you think there is a certain point where you need to bring it up? I feel like our "remeeting" process started when he began contacting me while he was gone, and has just continued for the past few months since he came into contact with me again.

 

I really look forward to seeing where you progress on your journey, boomshine.

[lollarskates]

You are saying is one of those things that sounds good in theory, but doesn't always work out in reality. Here is the problem. You cannot start with a completely clean slate with an ex after a month. If she dumped you, you are already in the hole. This method really only works if your ex already wants to get back with you in the first place. You know why? The emotional baggage that comes with you is a GIANT obstacle for her and that doesn't disappear in just a months time. And you being around does not erase it.