Leaving an Alcoholic

[jeslr]

I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year now when we met he was a recovering alcoholic. Things were perfect, he seemed to be everything I wanted. I am 21 and he is 37. i know that is a big age difference but it happened, I fell for him. We decided to move in together. I moved in with him and within two days he was drinking. Full blown 24/7 drinking. when he drinks he speaks to me as if i'm nothing. If i do anything to provoke him (which is not done on purpose, its like he can get mad at me for anything) hes different. he tells me I'm not worth anything, I'm a child, I'm immature, I don't understand what his life is like, i don't know anything, I'm not good at my job, selfish *****,etc.he binged for two weeks, lost his job, drained his bank account for beer money, and I stayed with him...that time. He got sober again got his job back and things were good again for 3 weeks. Then one night he came home and told me he had been drinking wine but that he had only bought one bottle and it would not get out of hand. Without him knowing I searched the house and found 3 more bottles. So he was already lying about hiding it. The same thing happened within a day, he treated me like ****, lost his job,but this time I left. I moved back in with my parents. I was still talking to him but the drinking did not seem to slow up so I would not go back.He was mad at me for not going back to him so he invited one of my female coworkers to his apartment and she claims that he tried to have sex with her. He of course denies this but I don't know what to believe because he is truly capable of anything when he drinks. He has been sober for literally a day and he is saying he misses me, he loves me, he knows he has to quit drinking, he can't live without me, and that if I truly loved him I would stay with him through thick and thin.but he has yet to go to an aa meeting or detox. I know I cannot keep a person sober, I guess its just hard because he makes it seem like he is the one with the broken heart, and that I am the one who did all of this, and that he would have done anything for me,etc. but if he wouldn't have started drinking I would never have left.My family is now totally against me seeing him and I am still questioning what I should do...

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

if he wouldn't have started drinking I would never have left.

 

REMEMBER THIS!

 

alcoholism is a disease of denial. An alcoholic will do whatever it takes to cover up their addiction. They will lie, cheat, steal. it is a disease. He needs to work through his demons and YOU can't help him with that.

 

The pattern of alcoholics is to drink.. screw up... then have remorse. He is remorseful and will make promises and swear he won't do it anymore and he loves you .. and woahs me.. i'm such a victim... wa wa... don't buy into it.

 

the best thing you can do for him and yourself.. is move on.

[oldenoughtoknow]

^^ Exactly! Don't believe a word he says. And certainly don't lend him any money - that will probably be coming next. Alcoholics are master manipulators. They will do anything to keep themselves alive and keep their "medicine" flowing. Stay as far away from him as possible. He will suck the life out of you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are much more worthy men out there. Stay far away from him...in 20 years he will likely still be an alcoholic.

[becomingkate]

It sounds like he needs help immediately, but he's the only one that can decide to reach out. I think you've done the right thing - please do not go back, no matter what he says! That type of lifestyle destroys a person's hope.

[WalkingGrace]

I feel for you! I know what it is like to love a man who has an addiction.

 

What the others have said is true. You cannot have a normal, functional relationship with a man (or woman) who loves a substance or anything, more than they love you. You need to walk away and as much as it hurts, you need to do that for at least a full year. He needs to go through a process of drying out, of counselling, of understanding WHY he drinks and coming to terms with that.

 

You need to force him to get help and the best way to do that is to walk away. He won't get fixed as long as he has the 'comfort' of knowing you're there. And if you stay, his addictions will kill you too.

 

I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but it is the only way. Watch the movie 'When a man loves a woman'. That'll show you what is involved.

 

I wish you well.