Torn Between Viewing the Ex w. Sympathy or Disdain

[Aurelius44]

She broke up w. me the day before her mother, whom she cares for, was due for major surgery. She comes from a broken home and was raised by her godparents. Her sister passed away last year. The reason for the breakup was her "ex," the "love of her life" returned. I get this note two days after NYE when she said she loves me.

 

She never informed me about the ex, so I was blindsided. She had previously said her complications had to.do with her.mom and job.

 

I kind of regret not calling her on her bull****.

[Arise]

Same thing happened to me a while back. Ive been dumped for an EX before, and the girl I was with had nothing but bad things to say about him before hand, she said that he was abusive and claimed that he cheated on her. Eventually he wanted to get back together with her and she said she still had feelings for him and had to give it another chance with him. I was always nice to her, but she went back with an abuser. It makes no sense and it sucks. All I can advise for you is to move on. You cant trust a girl like this, that will just leave you for an EX in a second. It's not right and she will probably end up breaking up with him again when reality sets in and she wonders why she got back with him in the first place. Try to move on and find some one better.

[Aurelius44]

Yeah that's what I told her. She was tossing away all our potential for something that previously failed. Just a tragedy.

[MapleCanuck]

Let go of the anger and learn from this my friend. In a guy and had my heart broken once by a gf who faked being ready for a serious relationship when it turned out she was still holding feelings from her past exes.

 

I've learned to stress emotional honesty and practice it myself. You can be a better person from this. She may regret it in time and you can be honest and let know how unfair it was to lead you on. If she doesn't learn from her actions, she'll be doomed to a sad life.

 

Good luck.

[iamkaylee]

You can feel badly for someone because of things that happened to them and still despise that person's own crappy behavior.

 

I agree with MapleCanuck. Emotional honesty.

[sharky988]

Yeah, I vote for "disdain" !!

 

I also think there's a real lesson to be learned from this, and in the future it's a good idea to really talk to your new prospective girlfriends about their past relationships and how they feel now about their exes. Not that you'll always get 100% honesty in the replies, but I think it does help to have all the information you can get. I won't start dating anyone who's giving out any signals of ambiguity about old exes. What's the point? Too many times, exes return -- and there's no way a new person can compete with that kind of history.

[chickydoodle]

Well she was probably genuinely torn between the two of you and had to make a tough decision. She probably does Love you in a different way. Ex's can be very convincing when they want you back esp 'cos of the history together.

 

I would imagine it was v difficult for her to say NO to him for whatever reason and also difficult to let you go...

 

I would only feel disdain if you knew for sure she ended things with you without feeling any remorse or pain and if you knew she had 'used' you in some way. If she was genuinely keen to make things work with you two, but the ex reappearing stirred feelings she could not ignore, then it was just bad timing for you and her.....

 

She cannot be held in contempt for following her heart -whether you consider it a mistake or not, unless there was manipulation involved in her r'ship with you.

[LikeWater]

She cannot be held in contempt for following her heart -whether you consider it a mistake or not, unless there was manipulation involved in her r'ship with you.

 

Except she didn't even inform him of this ex at all. She wasn't honest with him. Had he known about this ex, their history, how long they've been apart, etc., he would've been able to make a better decision on whether or not she was relationship material.

 

It sucks when someone tricks you into thinking the two of you have a real shot, only to find that you were actually just the 'filler' until the ex came back. She shouldn't be held in contempt for following her heart, but had she been totally honest with the OP she could have saved him a lot of pain.

 

It's not that she decided she wanted to work things out with the ex, it's that the OP didn't even know of the ex's existence. He didn't get a chance to see the red flags and then make the decision of whether or not to give her a shot.

[Nattersmatter]

She broke up w. me the day before her mother, whom she cares for, was due for major surgery. She comes from a broken home and was raised by her godparents. Her sister passed away last year. The reason for the breakup was her "ex," the "love of her life" returned. I get this note two days after NYE when she said she loves me.

 

She never informed me about the ex, so I was blindsided. She had previously said her complications had to.do with her.mom and job.

 

I kind of regret not calling her on her bull****.

 

I'm with Iamkaylee re doing both because this is your main dilemma as things now stand. (The nitty gritty is understandable, anyway, due to those things she'd been through being classic stunters of emotional-psychological development from child into adult, meaning, little wonder she behaved like a child who instead of wanting to use it for its purpose plays with a ming vase like it's nothing but a great toy to bounce experimentally around her playpen and that sharp shards are somehow intriguingly fun rather than harmful.) Who told you you have to choose one opinion like you're some emotional one-trick pony, anyway?

 

You have an inner animal (ape) which needs to operate and has appropriate rules to operate by and an inner spiritual being that has its own form, operation and rules. The art of happiness is accepting you have those two entities, and knowing how to compromise so that both entities can live with any situation of your 'choosing'. So the consensus *should* (no order of priority) be [1] she's disdain-worthy and [2] she's pitiful, hence your instincts are spot-on. You might not be used to holding two seemingly opposing opinions whereby they itch at first but that just indicates you need more time in which to adapt to this two-levelled thinking until they mesh more comfortably.

 

My most recent ex is a tw*t AND a poor s*d and, in fact, the two are NOT mutually exclusive but inextricably linked and directly interdependent. Again - more time...

 

xoxo

[chickydoodle]

It's not that she decided she wanted to work things out with the ex, it's that the OP didn't even know of the ex's existence

 

Thanks -Yes I just re-read the op. ......it sucks....not to have been informed..

It would be interesting to ask her why she didnt mention the ex - just to see what explaination she would come up with.

[Aurelius44]

I think she felt some pain. She went through a long explanation about everything, said she would have loved to explore what we might have been, but her and the ex have a lot of history. I told her she was tossing away a lot of potential. Maybe I'll break NC and ask her why she didn't tell me about the ex....

[Aurelius44]

I genuinely believe she was into me---the constant communication, the physical intimacy, how she would gaze into my eyes, hold hands, and so on. She had said she wanted to "go slow" at the start--said she had been with someone for years and they were almost married. Two weeks in when things started to get emotionally heavier she said she couldn't offer a commitment. So there were signs, just not explicit. Just don't know what to do here.

 

I think offering her friendship is a bad idea since what could happen is she uses me for emotional support. But is the door open if she comes back?---I kind of slammed it when I told her I made no compromises on loyalty or trust, so if she went, the chance of getting me back would be none. In retrospect though, she made no promises to me ....the relationship was short....and I would have to say, emotionally, I still have feelings for her. I am positive she has feelings for me but they couldn't trump what the ex had to offer.

 

Not sure how to play it. Thinking of breaking NC and kind of cracking the door a little bit for her. Or giving it 60 days and then breaking NC to see how she's doing, maybe meet up.

[Sportster2005]

She broke up w. me the day before her mother, whom she cares for, was due for major surgery. She comes from a broken home and was raised by her godparents. Her sister passed away last year. The reason for the breakup was her "ex," the "love of her life" returned. I get this note two days after NYE when she said she loves me.

 

She never informed me about the ex, so I was blindsided. She had previously said her complications had to.do with her.mom and job.

 

I kind of regret not calling her on her bull****.

 

It is natural to feel anger toward someone, initially, when they hurt us. At some point we get to decide how we continue to feel toward someone. At this point I think it's best not to harbor any negative feelings toward them. The reason is simple. Negative feelings impact our well being. They have no impact at all on the person you are feeling them for. Let go of any negative feelings you have a soon as you can. They are only monkeys on your back that will rob you of your peacefulness and well being.

[Aurelius44]

Yeah I feel like Luke Skywalker. That moment where it is "let the hate flow through you" and the hand turns black But then you take a step back, and the spiritual perspective comes through.

[Nattersmatter]

Aurelius, have you got your own recent ex that you were trying to move on from?

 

xoxo

[Aurelius44]

Nope, I had been over people when I met her. Spent a good year working on myself, no serious relationships.

[Aurelius44]

Granted though, I still have some things that come up from old relationships in every relationship. One is the inability to set boundaries to protect myself, and then I get pissed off when the boundaries aren't respected but I don't express it in the proper way. Oh well. Live and learn.

[Nattersmatter]

What do you mean - which boundaries? You're going to have to be specific. xoxo

[chickydoodle]

Actually if I met someone else now, I wouldnt tell them about my ex, at least not for a LONG time.

Reasons:

-Too painful esp if I had decided to move on and didnt want to be subjected to lots of questions that would remind me of ex.; and what a failure I had been ...... ( ie a 'pride' thing?)

 

- It can make one appear ''uncool'' if treated badly or dumped by an ex. If she had told you she was dumped by ex or treated badly would you start wondering what is it about her that evoked such treatment? Would you start to look at reasons why she wouldnt be r'ship material....? I

know I would worry if the next guy knew my story , he would start to see me as flawed in some way....

 

Anyway , one day I hope you get the right answer. I am just suggesting there may have been nothing under-hand about not telling you.......

[Aurelius44]

Well she told me from the start she had been with a guy for a long time, several years--I want to say 10--and they had kind of an unofficial marriage (just kind of a party with their friends, which she described as "lame.")

 

Not certain if this was the same guy, but it makes sense as she describes the guy as "was and is the love of my life."

Very good chance it's him. Knew she was the one who had been let go, so he probably came crawling back with promises after New Year's when they were both lonely and reminscing. Timing was very convenient. I guess that makes me feel better, since there was really nothing I could do or say in such a circumstance. And yet---I don't know if this is all a story either.

 

I gathered she had been let go at some point--she had a need for approval. I also got compliments I didn't expect (such as on communication) that I sense were perhaps comparisons to the ex.

 

Guess I just want some honest answers.

[Nattersmatter]

Sorry, not ignoring you, just v busy - back tomorrow... xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Nope, I had been over people when I met her. Spent a good year working on myself, no serious relationships.

 

Granted though, I still have some things that come up from old relationships in every relationship. One is the inability to set boundaries to protect myself, and then I get pissed off when the boundaries aren't respected but I don't express it in the proper way. Oh well. Live and learn.

 

You still have somethings that come up from old relationships in every relationship? If these prove to be your impediments, shouldn't you be examining them and how to avoid them in future relationships? Or did they SERVE you in some way and more so than not, hence you keep them in? After all, if you tighten a barrier, you have to abide by its mirror image tightening in your partner, don't you? So this taking of whatever liberty obviously served as tool and impediment both. What was the tool aspect, what did you GAIN by keeping that boundary open whereby she'd had to keep her own likewise open?

 

Well she told me from the start she had been with a guy for a long time, several years--I want to say 10--and they had kind of an unofficial marriage (just kind of a party with their friends, which she described as "lame.")

 

In what ways, according to her, was the civil ceremony 'lame'? And what had been HER expectations on that score? Had she wanted a real marriage or something more convincing and real-feeling than what she actually got?

 

How long had she been out of that relationship when you first hooked up with her?

 

Not certain if this was the same guy, but it makes sense as she describes the guy as "was and is the love of my life." Very good chance it's him.

 

Certainly sounds like it was, doesn't it.

 

Knew she was the one who had been let go, so he probably came crawling back with promises after New Year's when they were both lonely and reminscing.

 

Yup. Very common.

 

Timing was very convenient.

 

Convenient how and for whom?

 

I guess that makes me feel better, since there was really nothing I could do or say in such a circumstance.

 

Well, let's establish if that's true or not, shall we?

 

And yet---I don't know if this is all a story either.

 

What makes you suspect it could be?

 

I gathered she had been let go at some point--she had a need for approval. I also got compliments I didn't expect (such as on communication) that I sense were perhaps comparisons to the ex.

 

Verbatim, please?

 

Guess I just want some honest answers.

 

The force is inside you, Luke. ;-)

 

xoxo

[Aurelius44]

The civil ceremony was "lame" because it wasn't a ceremony...just a party with friends.

She had been out of it since August. We met in Deceber.

Could have been she was legally married but separated, or didn't even have an official ceremony but more a verbal promise.

 

She gave me compliments on communication and intimacy.

 

I defriended her from Facebook after the BU bc I didn't want to see pictures. I recently learned, as of yesterday, that went ahead andvtotally blocked me from Facebook when I hadn't even tried to.contact her.

 

Just hard...bc I don't know if I am overreacting as this was a three-week thing but I declined her offwr of being friends. I'm concerned about her and can find someone new, so I am.ok with the BU, but would really like to know how she is doing...

[Nattersmatter]

So she expected a full whistles and bells ceremony whereby the difference in act hence meaning was barely detectable by her or anyone?

 

Question: How come HE was in charge of that ceremony when it's normally the womenfolk's right and privilege with the man's blessing??? Doesn't that strike you as odd as it does me? Does that go towards demonstrating that he was a bossy and controlling so-and-so?

 

Do YOU have this propensity despite you're better at complimenting, trusting and communicating, or was the whole crux of the problem and dealbreaker that you DON'T?

 

2. October, November, DECEMBER. Three piddly months? And you knew this?

 

Why didn't you note it and keep it in mind whereby it got to dictate how cautiously and carefully you'd proceed? In fact, didn't it occur to you to WAIT whilst playing Friends meanwhile until she could have time to get over him more, whereby your heart wasn't in the firing line?

 

3. Facebook: fairneoughski and why should you if you're not some masochist?

 

SHE, on the other hand, had no such reason to block you by the sounds of it. So I suspect it's either [a] provocation on her part to (negatively) make you sit up and take notice, her bf has insisted she give him this show of reassurance, or [c] revenge for the fact that you had failed to hammer down her door and fight for her. Which do you think?

 

It's not about 3 weeks as opposed to 30 or 300. It's about what level of closeness got established in that time. But, yeah, just how close CAN one get in merely 3 weeks? You tell *me*?

 

4. Concerned about her/WHAT? Is some grand piano scheduled to drop on her head?

 

BTW - you've failed to address other questions of mine up there, look.

 

If you had a calculator in your hand and wanted an honest sum conclusion, wouldn't you input every single one of those numbers? ;-)

 

SPILL! Or the only 'honest answer' YOU'RE going to get is this one (turn your head up-side-down): !0773'.

 

xoxo

[Aurelius44]

Natter---

 

I don't have answers to all your questions. This isn't a mathematical equation but an affair of the heart! I should have asked more. I was dumb. Before answering, some background:

 

From the best I could tell, she was really into me not only physically but emotionally. Said she loved our intellectual back-and-forth, the way we communicated and conversed. I did too. We would talk for hours a day, and on a physical level she was constantly intimate with me in all ways. The chief questions are (a) was she playing or was really torn and (b) what I should do now.

 

Things started to go downhill maybe about two weeks in. I asked her out for the weekend, but she had a pre-existing trip; and New Year's, but she had pre-existing plans with a gf. No big deal as we were new. But she made no counter-offer. She continued to flirt, we discussed her coming over that night but she was just teasing, and she mentioned her life was "complicated." I got upset over the word "complicated" because I have heard it before, and told her, "Look, next time, just ****ing come over!" She was taken aback. I apologized. She forgave me. But then I drove over to see her to talk and explained I had heard the "complicated" line before and it never bode well. She said it had nothing to do with me but with her family (she takes care of her mom) and job situation. But she also said that if I wanted something serious, I should see other people. I said I wouldn't pressure her schedule but wanted to see only her because we had so much potential. Nothing further was discussed as she leaned into kiss me and that's how it ended.

 

She continued to keep in contact w/ me through text. On NYE she told me "loves you" and "wish you were here." She got upset later in the evening when she became third wheel. Her GF had invited her BF. She texted me from the bathroom that she was sad. I said, "Well I don't know what to say, you didn't invite me so what can I do?" She said "thanks for kicking a girl while she's down." I said "that's not fair." (there was no way I could get over to see her).

 

Two days later she was back w/ the ex. She said she was "so, so sorry" and while she would "have liked to explore everything we might have been" her and the ex "have a lot of history" and that he "was and is the love of my life." She said she was sorry for causing me any pain and wanted to meet and return my jacket, and talk if I needed. I told her the following:

 

-It's unlikely to work with the ex given the history and the post-NYE timing and the fact she had feelings for me; the likely result would be it wouldn't work with the ex and she tossed away an incredible opportunity w/ me (she admitted the whole thing had a chance of not working);

-That I was paralyzed by what she said and had not slept well because I was worried when she didn't return text messages from the previous day;

--That I don't feel any pain but do feel sorry for her and the ex;

--That we couldn't be friends under the circumstances, but I wished good luck to her and the ex.

 

It's been three weeks of NC since then.

 

Your questions:

1. You still have somethings that come up from old relationships in every relationship? If these prove to be your impediments, shouldn't you be examining them and how to avoid them in future relationships? Or did they SERVE you in some way and more so than not, hence you keep them in?...what did you GAIN by keeping that boundary open whereby she'd had to keep her own likewise open?

 

 

2. Convenient how and for whom?

Timing was convenient bc they got back together after New Year's.

 

3. October, November, DECEMBER. Three piddly months? And you knew this?

It was only after the BU that I pieced together the guy she broke with in August was the one she had been with for 10 years. Yes, I would have been "friends" if I had known she was still carrying a flame for her ex but everything she said to me indicated she was really incredibly into me.

 

4. So she expected a full whistles and bells ceremony whereby the difference in act hence meaning was barely detectable by her or anyone?

 

I am not sure what she expected. It seemed to have been a party with friends, kind of announcing they were together, but not doing anything official about it.

 

5. Do YOU have this propensity despite you're better at complimenting, trusting and communicating, or was the whole crux of the problem and dealbreaker that you DON'T?

 

I'm not controlling and I think she appreciated that. I could have been more assertive, however--I only put my foot down at the end.

 

6. Concerned about her/WHAT? Is some grand piano scheduled to drop on her head?

Concerned she is unstable and is with someone who is not treating her well. I told her we couldn't be friends and there was no way to get me back if she went as I make zero compromises on loyalty or trust. She said she too values trust and loyalty and that is why she was being honest instead of telling me some B.S. story (I presume she had given me a story before).

In retrospect, maybe I was too harsh...but I was hurt.

 

So that leaves open my questions of whether I should try to resume contact if lightly and try to ride this out. My intuition tells me she was really into me, that she was not faking feelings or attachment, but the attachment to the ex was just stronger in this case and she's only going back to close a door. It's as if I haven't given up in my heart and my head is trying to find ways around that....