I've received a lot of conflicting advice (really long post)

[belongtothesea]

Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing well. New to the forum, so...hi!

 

Anyway, before I get into it I'll just give a bit of background. My ex and I have been broken up for about a month and a half; we were only together for 11 months (though pretty close to our 1st anniversary). Though I have had substantially longer relationships in the past, I have never felt more comfortable with anyone in just being myself then I was with my ex. Because of past experiences, I have insecurities and trust issues like anyone else- but I felt so at ease and connected with my ex. He did so many little things to make me feel loved and cared for, and gave me no reason to ever doubt that.

However, my insecurities did get the best of me. I started picking fights that would blow up to huge ordeals- I have this stupid "game" that I did where I push the people who I love away, to see if they will stick around. I know it's a very horrible thing for me to do, but I've recognized this unhealthy habit and I am trying to make changes to become a healthier person. Anyway, these fights would often cause tears on both sides and a lot of stress, but we always made up. I also started acting needy and clingy, and let everything in my life revolve around my ex and being with him. My ex grew frustrated and ended things because he was "tired of all the fighting and done with the relationship". Looking back, I think he also grew tired of me always promising to "work on my issues" but never following through. One good thing from the break-up is that it "woke me up" in a sense, and now I am truly working on being a more positive and healthier person...for me.

 

Now to delve into the more "complicated" stuff. My ex and I work together, so we do see each other a few times a week. Since the break-up, I've never had real NC- we went a week or so without talking at work, but I would send him texts regarding items/owed money etc. Honestly, it was more because I couldn't let go and I was "checking up on him" in a way.

There was also an incident at our work Christmas party. We ignored each other for almost the entire night, until I went around saying goodbye to all my co-workers. My ex was included in this of course, and when I went over to him to saying goodbye he asked me to go outside to talk. Once outside, my ex starts getting very emotional. While crying, he tells me he still cares about me and loves me, amongst other things. It left me confused, but the Monday that follows this party he texts me saying, "I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I just want to be friends"- this text was sent after I asked him about what had happened.

 

I didn't see my ex in person for about a month- he took a lot of time off work and then of course there were the holidays. Again, I would text him every-so-often to "check up on him"- he would always respond, and often times the conversation was almost too friendly.

 

About 2 weeks ago, I signed into FB because it was my birthday- I'm not an active user, but I had a few notifications to check. The first thing I see on my timeline is that my ex is in a new relationship. I get really upset, because seeing him move on so quickly really hurt. I realized that I couldn't only be friends with him, because I wasn't over him- and now he has a new girlfriend. So I sent him a polite message about how I'd like to hash out a few more formalities so we could both move on.

A few hours later, I see that I have a "nothing text" from him- just him letting me know he gave our work supervisor my number and that he might call. I respond telling my ex about the message, and for him to get back to me about it. He responds saying something like, "I thought we were friends but okay" but that he would pay me back. The texting goes on, and it kind of escalates into an argument over being friends/things that were said. Somehow, things calm down and he starts teasing me, calling me "blondie" and poking fun. I end the conversation telling him I'm going out to celebrate my birthday- he asks what I'm doing and after I tell him he responds saying, "Lol nice, have fun sweety".

 

Last Monday was the first time I saw him in person for almost a month. The first thing he says to me when I get in is, "Hey pink cheeks" (I have pale skin and rosy cheeks). We end up talking all day at work- he catches me up on his friends, his mom, what he's been up to, etc. I don't even really ask, he just instigated all the conversation. I felt like we connected again, which made me miss what we had even more.

Last Tuesday was pretty much the same thing, except a little less communication because we were on opposite sides of the office. He makes a few comments about my appearance, and comes to my desk later on to tell me blonde jokes (which are sooo hilarious because I'm blonde It wasn't the same as it was on Monday, but he still went a bit out of his way to talk to me. The only awkward thing is that his new girlfriend came to visit him during his break and lunch while at work- I was walking to the store and accidentally ran into them. However, once he and I were back at the office, he acted like nothing had happened and commented on me having my hair in pigtails (something that he likes).

 

I took a few days off work because I had to get some things ready for school- my Winter semester just started. So this past Monday is when I saw him next. I got to work before him, but when he came in he took the desk beside me (there were multiple other desks available). He said hi to me right away, and commented on me not being at work for a few days. He then started doing stupid things- staring at me while I was on the phone with a customer to make me laugh; telling me he was going to go out of his way to be mean to me (in a joking way); commented on my perfume and how I "smell like angels"; tried to tickle my feet (something that I HATE which is exactly why he liked to do it so much); and he said a few "inside jokes" from our relationship that only I'd understand. I could give more detail and make this list longer, but everything that he does just seems like a weird way to treat your ex- especially when you have a new girlfriend.

 

We did get into another argument though. My ex wanted to show another one of our co-worker's (we'll call her F) something that another one of our co-worker's posted (we'll call him B) on a website. What B posted is probably something he doesn't want people to know- I told my ex about it a while ago, but to keep it secret. My ex doesn't like B, but that still isn't an excuse to embarrass him. I told my ex that it was a **** thing to do- as trustworthy and nice as F is, telling her might get it out to other people. My ex said that F is trustworthy (they're pretty good friends) and that he'd only tell her. But then he went on to say he might go to B and tell him what he found. I then told my ex that if he did that, my opinion of him would be lowered- to this he responded, "I don't give a ****".

 

Things were a bit awkward after that. To cut the tension, I tried to start a conversation with him, but he blew me off. So I decided to just leave it alone. He basically kept to himself for a while- honestly, he seemed like a sulky baby. He then started talking to our other co-workers again, but no longer tried to talk to me. At one point I felt him looking at me, and glancing over I saw he was giving me "evil eyes" (in a joking way). So I guess he got over it.

 

When he was leaving, he went to F's desk to say bye to her. He then said a casual bye to our other co-workers. He then came to me to gives me "props" (this is something that everyone in my office does for some reason). I told him, "I don't do props". To this he replied, "Oh, so you only give props to your sister!?" (my sister is 16 and likes to pretend she's a gangster). He then went off on a small tangent about when my sister was trying to teach me some kind of "gangster" handshake while he was over. I then gave him his "prop" and he left. A few hours later I sent him a text about something work related, to which he replied in a cordial manner. So that brings us to today!

 

So now into the advice I've received. Obviously I've heard of NC (this isn't "technically" possible because of work so LC would be used in my case I guess). I haven't really stuck to that either, because apparently whenever my ex tries to engage me in conversation, I give in. I know he's rather immature (I was his first long term girlfriend and the first he's said "I love you" to) but I suppose I am immature as well because I'm having trouble distancing myself from him.

I've also been told to tell him I don't want to be friends and that we should both move on and no longer talk to each other at work- this is supposed to make him "feel" the effect of breaking up and create the sense of loss. I don't know how effective this will be, because I feel like is pride and hardheadedness will get in the way- but maybe that's my fear kicking in.

On the opposite side, I've been told that I should work on strengthening the bond through friendship, so that I can regain his trust. I guess this is the advice I've been following the most, but I'm worried about being "friend zoned". I've also read all those stories that remaining friends while your ex is dating someone else "strengthens" their relationship. I guess in a way, he is getting everything that we used to have, besides the commitment and the physical side of things.

 

Does anyone have any insight? My ex's behaviour, at least lately, is throwing me off. I know we aren't together anymore so I don't expect him to dote on me or anything, but he keeps switching through being friendly, being flirty/teasing and being indifferent and cold. Usually it's the first two, but he throws in the last one every now and then. I guess I'm worried he's playing games or using me as a safety net, but at the same time I feel weird about playing games with him out of retaliation...

Has anyone had to deal with something similar? I'm in a much better place mentally than I was just a month ago, but I do still hope for reconciliation sometime down the line.

[matti]

OKay... I'm thinking that you should at least try to keep it LC (only work related contact). Yes, you are pretty much giving him his cake and he is eating it too. I know that you're having trouble, but trust me, talking and being "friendly" with him definitely isn't going to help you any, especially while he's in the relationship.

 

Here's how I see NC. NC does not work on those who are very emotionally strong. Because those who are strong are only going to keep on going. It won't even phase them when it comes to that period when you're supposed to be missing the other person, etc. No offense to you, but your ex doesn't seem very emotionally strong at all. The reason why people jump into rebound relationships is because they're afraid to be alone as well as afraid to deal with the pain of a breakup.

Therefore, if you ask me, I'd say you're best bet it NC or LC. You are just going to have to be strong.

 

Staying in contact and being "friends" normally only works when the other person doesn't want to lose you from their life completely, if you haven't been crying, begging, clingy, needy, etc. and you both can be strong enough to handle being "just friends" without starting arguments and so on. However, as I'm sure you know already, you always run a risk of being dropped into the "friend zone" indefinitely.

 

If you ask me, I don't know if I'd want someone back who instantly replaced me after a breakup. You need to think about that. Because if he did it once, even if he comes back and slides you up from the backburner, chances are history will only repeat itself, until one or both of you eventually get sick of it and finally gain the strength to sever the relationship.

[belongtothesea]

Thanks for reading through this and replying.

 

His "rebound" relationship (maybe it's the real deal, who knows) doesn't make sense to me, and his pattern is weird. The last time he had a girlfriend was almost 4 years ago. He had a "booty call" relationship for about a year, which ended over a year before he met me. So it's just strange that he literally jumped into a "serious" relationship only a month after we broke up. I know I shouldn't be spending my time trying to figure out why this is, but it just confuses the hell out of me.

 

As for the friend thing, during our argument that happened over text, I told him it was too difficult to be his friend and I don't think his girlfriend would appreciate him staying friends with his ex. At first he only responded with "Kk" but then added, "I can't blame you if you don't want to be friends (other stuff unrelated) so just know that I’m your friend if you need me to be". I know he's still attracted to me through his body language, certain actions and certain words- however, I think you're right that he might be keeping me on the back burner.

 

Part of me is struggling with how he's making me feel easily replaceable. I'm thinking it might be him going through the "is the grass greener on the other side?" thought process because we were arguing an awful lot before the break-up- the attraction in the relationship never diminished though, that I'm certain of. However, this may be me holding on to false hope because rejection is hard to face. It could very well be that he got over the relationship very easily and just moved on faster than I did.

[abitbroken]

Here's how I see NC. NC does not work on those who are very emotionally strong. Because those who are strong are only going to keep on going. It won't even phase them when it comes to that period when you're supposed to be missing the other person, etc.

 

NC is not to get a reaction from the other person but to help YOU heal. And besides, he has a girlfriend. So she shouldn't be doing things to try to get him back.

 

I agree with LC. Only speak when absolutely necessary about work related things. Don't text him outside of work, don't facebook him. In fact, block him on Facebook so you don't see his updates. If he comes and sits next to you, tell him you are in the middle of something or just keep working.

 

If you can, make sure you are not assigned to the same projects he is, etc, also.

[matti]

NC is not to get a reaction from the other person but to help YOU heal. And besides, he has a girlfriend. So she shouldn't be doing things to try to get him back.

 

I agree with LC. Only speak when absolutely necessary about work related things. Don't text him outside of work, don't facebook him. In fact, block him on Facebook so you don't see his updates. If he comes and sits next to you, tell him you are in the middle of something or just keep working.

 

If you can, make sure you are not assigned to the same projects he is, etc, also.

 

I agree with you 100%. NC should only be used as a means of letting go, moving on and ultimately healing. This is how I normally advertise NC.

I was just pointing out that if you are going to attempt to use NC as a means of trying to get an ex back, it definitely isn't going to work on a mature, strong-willed adult. But, perhaps it might work on an immature, weak-willed juvenile. Therefore, I was more or less pointing out that her ex seems juvenile enough to the point where it might just work. However, since history tends to repeat itself, it would only be temporary regardless.

I probably should have clarified that better in my original response. I apologize!

[belongtothesea]

Thank you both for your insight. In light of recent events, I think I'm going to focus 100% on myself and moving on. My ex is too immature and juvenile as you've said- if it's meant to be, then it will be in the future but for now he needs to grow up. He's 2 years older than me, but committed relationships are new to him and I think he needs to experience more in his life and grow up a bit in this regard. I value the time he and I had, and the things he's done for me in the past, but it's time for be to completely move forward. I have been doing this since the break-up, but I always held on to a small bit of hope. I'm just letting go completely, and focusing on moving forward.

[oreogod]

I agree with LC. Only speak when absolutely necessary about work related things. Don't text him outside of work, don't facebook him. In fact, block him on Facebook so you don't see his updates.

 

I agree with what you say minus the FB issue.

 

You can’t take anything they do seriously. They are to be treated with an attitude of amused mastery. Remember, they cannot PHASE you. If you remove them or block them from facebook or they remove you and you reach out to them about it, they know they have clearly phased you, they are still on your mind big time, etc.

 

Be indifferent. As hard as hell as it might be, just hold a who cares attitude. You don't want to see their updates? Then go to their profile and unsubscribe from them so they don't come up in your newsfeed.

 

It's much stronger to hold an attitude of 'well hey we didn't work out, as much as I may love ya, that's cool I wasn't happy with it either, take care of yourself" and walk and don't even block or remove them from facebook. Hide their updates if you must and live your life. If they come around they come around.

[abitbroken]

But if it helps HER and she is tempted to check right now she should block him, but she certainly should unfriend or block so he doesn't have the privelege of seeing HER updates, IMHO. I didn't unfriend or block my ex at first and I was so glad when i did it.

[appies]

I guess it depends if you want to appear indifferent or be indifferent down the road. It sure as hell hurt me to see my ex on facebook, so I deleted her, told her it was for me to get over her. I don't expect that I would be able to get her back now. If there is the opportunity for us to date again in the future then I truly want to be indifferent to give myself a shot, so giving myself the chance to heal was my best option.