I have feelings for two guys and could really use some advice!

[thelastsong]

Sorry if this ends up long. I'll put a brief summary at the bottom.

 

To start things off, I'll introduce M. I met M while we were both in Japan last May, and even though we only spent about 2 weeks together, we really hit it off right from the beginning. I really, so the night before I left Japan, I asked him if he would consider being in a long-distance relationship with me (seeing as I'm from the US and he's from Europe). M said long-distance relationships didn't work and turned me down. I was absolutely heartbroken. But we've kept in touch, sending each other really long emails and even Skyping a few times. Ever since I left, I've just wanted to be with him more than anything.

 

Then there's B. B and I were friends in fall of 2011, and I sort of had feelings for him back then, but we lost touch when I went to Japan. We recently got back in touch, and he happened to be passing through town on his way to a new city to start a new job. He stayed with me for a few days, and all of my old feelings came back, only this time it was much stronger than before. I tried to keep my distance because of M, but B and I kept flirting until he finally admitted he had feelings for me. The most that happened is that we shared several long, very intimate hugs, and he kissed me on the cheek before he left. Now he's in another state but has been texting me saying that he misses me and wants me to visit him.

 

I'm really confused. Like I said, all I've wanted for months was to be with M, but now I'm not so sure. I'm really surprised by how much I like B. In any case, I felt pretty guilty about what happened even though M and I aren't technically in a relationship, so I emailed M and told him what happened and told him what was on my mind: basically, that I really like M but I've either got to move forward into a relationship with him, or we need to take a step back so I can be in a relationship with someone else, whether or not that's B. He just emailed me back thanking me for my honesty and asking me to Skype with him on Thursday so that we can discuss a relationship together.

 

I should be thrilled about this. Just a few weeks ago, I would have been. But now I'm really conflicted. I don't want to lose either of them, and I definitely don't want to hurt them. Just to give a bit more info, here are some pros and cons in each guy's favor:

 

M: I feel like I should give him priority since he's been around in my life for a while. We have a lot of shared history together. But one thing that has always bothered me is that he is an atheist. It hasn't come up in conversation yet, but I'm afraid it'll really rip us apart, and if we get serious and start talking about getting married, having kids, etc., I know I couldn't not raise my kids to be Christian. Call me intolerant or whatever, but it's really something that matters to me. My family is also really religious, and I'm not sure if M is the kind of guy I could take home to my parents. Also, I just don't have the funds to fly to Europe whenever I feel like it, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to move there to be with him. Another thing: I've never had PIV sex, and I know M wants to, but I'm still not sure I'm ready. I'm definitely a late-bloomer in this regard, but it really means a lot to me, and I want sex to be a rare thing if not something I share with only one guy.

 

B: Like me, he is a vegetarian, and we share a lot of the same political/religious beliefs too. (He's sort of an agnostic theist. He believes in God but is kind of having a crisis of faith at the moment.) Like M, it would be a long-distance relationship, but I could actually afford to visit him, and it would be less terrifying to move accross the country instead of accross the ocean. He doesn't know I'm a virgin, but I have the feeling he'd be a lot more understanding than M. (M had a very liberal upbringing where sex was normal and okay, but B, like me, grew up very conservative and views sex a lot differently. Also, things with M moved very quickly on the physical side, but B never even let his hands stray below my hips or under my clothes or anything.) However, I think B is a lot less emotionally ready for a relationship. I know he's been through some stuff in his love life, and he has a very cynical view of love, at least right now.

 

So to sum it up, M is ready to put an official label on the long-distance thing we've had going for a while, but my feelings for B are making me have second thoughts about it all. I was ready to drop everything and move to Europe for M, but now I'm not sure. On paper, I think B is the better guy for me, especially thinking long-term, but I can't just forget about M and my feelings for him and our history. Besides, M is ready to start a relationship, but I'm not sure if B is. I know no one can decide for me, but does anyone have input or advice? I really don't want to hurt or lose either of them, but that's not possible anymore.

[jordesse]

So once you 'pick' a guy, what will happen with the other? Do you intend on trying to keep the other one as a friend only?

[thelastsong]

So once you 'pick' a guy, what will happen with the other? Do you intend on trying to keep the other one as a friend only?

 

Ideally, yes, but realistically, I don't see this happening. I'm not sure either will stick around if I enter a relationship with the other.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

I would pick B. Although, it seems like you need to give the situation more time.

[jordesse]

Can I ask how old you are? I think it would be way too unrealistic to try and pick a guy based on marriage and children being a certainty. You really need to get to know them both a lot more before you lose your viginity, or move away to be with them. I really don't see you having a chance to do that with either of them.

[thelastsong]

I would pick B. Unless you are just caught up with M's looks and charm. In that case, I don't know how much help I can offer.

 

I'm really not. I'm equally attracted to both. I guess I'm leaning towards B, but it's happening a bit fast, and I really feel responsible to M. It's hard to just throw away 8 months of emotional investment and memories, and maybe my feelings for B will disappear.

[thelastsong]

Can I ask how old you are? I think it would be way too unrealistic to try and pick a guy based on marriage and children being a certainty. You really need to get to know them both a lot more before you lose your viginity, or move away to be with them. I really don't see you having a chance to do that with either of them.

 

I'm 22, M is 23, and B is 24. I definitely don't want to get married or have kids to until I'm 30 or close to it, but I'd hate to be in a relationship that happens to last until then and get really hurt when we realize we have to split up because we don't want the same things. It's like setting yourself up for failure. Maybe it'll end for other reasons, but I'd rather not start a relationship knowing without a doubt that it will come to an end.

[jordesse]

After reading your posts about M and how he went silent on you for awhile and his facebook was covered with pictures of him and other girls, I think you should pick B. He sounds alot better suited to you as well as being in the same country. I don't think M sounds like LDR material.

[thelastsong]

After reading your posts about M and how he went silent on you for awhile and his facebook was covered with pictures of him and other girls, I think you should pick B. He sounds alot better suited to you as well as being in the same country. I don't think M sounds like LDR material.

 

That was actually a misunderstanding. He found me on Facebook after a month, and we figured out that we had both sent each other multiple emails that we somehow weren't receiving. As for the pictures... I freaked out at first, but I'm not sure I can criticize him for having female friends.

[jordesse]

Well, I still think B is better suited. You'll never change an atheist into a Christian and if he isn't the kind of guy to take home to meet your parents, then that should be red flag enough. I also can't see how you'll both be happy and fulfilled in a LDR (at such a young age) of this magnitude. It is a great distance that you admit to not being able to afford. At 23, M hormones are raging. I think it is unrealistic to believe he will be celebate for any length of time. Sorry, just my opinion.

[thelastsong]

Well, I still think B is better suited. You'll never change an atheist into a Christian and if he isn't the kind of guy to take home to meet your parents, then that should be red flag enough. I also can't see how you'll both be happy and fulfilled in a LDR (at such a young age) of this magnitude. It is a great distance that you admit to not being able to afford. At 23, M hormones are raging. I think it is unrealistic to believe he will be celebate for any length of time. Sorry, just my opinion.

 

Don't apologize for being honest. If anything, I really need honest, third party opinions right now. I guess I know that I can't be in a relationship with M, whether B is around or not, but it's really hard to say goodbye.

[jordesse]

Let us know how the talk goes with M on Thursday? You never know, he may not ask to have a relationship with you and your dilema will be solved? He may still want to stay in touch as friends only so you might not have to say goodbye for good.

[abitbroken]

I am late to this, but I would say pick neither if both will be long distance for you. Date guys closer to. But "M" does seem more compatible for the long term if you have to choose. I don't see you and "B" going far. But neither is an option also. Have you had much experience strictly dating rather than choosing guys who live afar?

[faerietale]

Choose M. Why? I was in the same situation as you a few years back.

 

I met D who lived 8 hours from me. We would meet once a month and exchange daily emails/texts. He was also the first person I had sex with. I fell in love with him, but he didn't want to commit. Even though it was just 8 hours in the same state and not in a different country, the distant was difficult. In the end, he decided for us to just be friends. I was devastated and heartbroken.

 

A month later, I met R. R was an old friend and we reconnected. R wanted a relationship and lived just 10 minutes from me. I was torn between the two, but i knew I should not wait around for someone who didn't want to be with me. I also liked R a lot because we had a solid friendship before. I started a relationship with R.

 

A few weeks later, D wanted to start things over and told me he was in love with me. I didn't tell D I had a bf to hear what he wanted to say, after a week of us exchanging emails and phone calls, and of him confessing how he was afraid of committment but he made a mistake and wanted to be with me, I told him that I was already with someone else.

 

D was devastated and tried very hard for me to change my mind, but I couldn't go back to the heartache. R and I broke up a year and a half later and throughout the year and a half, I NEVER stopped thinking about D.

 

My point is, I chose R because he was the safer choice, just like your B. However, my heart was aimed at D but I was too afraid because of all the obstacles. I don't know what would've happened if I chose D, but I can't change my past.

 

Good luck with whatever it is you choose and I hope you choose the one you know you can't be without.

[thelastsong]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I was going to call B and tell him everything that was going on, but then I decided against it. If I reject M, it should be for other reasons (such as those listed above) and not because I'd rather be with B. And on the other hand, I can't just have M be my back-up. I know if B rejected me, I'd be even more tempted to be with M just so I wouldn't be alone, but that shouldn't be an option. At the moment, though, I'm thinking about turning M down because I can't do an international relationship right now. I have no idea when we would be able to be in the same place even for a visit, and a long-distance relationship without an end date is destined to fail.

 

To answer some questions, no, I don't have much experience with long-distance. I usually date guys in my area. Also, I'm fairly positive M will ask me to be in a relationship with him. His message said that he wanted to have me as a girlfriend and said that he wanted to discuss how we'd make a long-distance relationship work and what we both expected out of it. I'll post something here tomorrow after we Skype.

[thelastsong]

Well, I Skyped with M, and I thought we were on the same page ("I want to be in a relationship with you, but the distance and not knowing if/when we'll ever be together again means this probably won't work out"), but then he later sent me a message saying he doesn't want to let me go and that he's willing to try a relationship if I am. I'm not sure what to tell him. I do want to be with him, but my feelings for B haven't gone away, and I don't want to start a relationship with M only to have it fall apart down the road if it becomes clear that we're not going to be in the same country again, at least for a while. And again, my feelings for B. So I haven't really made any progress.

[abitbroken]

Well, I Skyped with M, and I thought we were on the same page ("I want to be in a relationship with you, but the distance and not knowing if/when we'll ever be together again means this probably won't work out"), but then he later sent me a message saying he doesn't want to let me go and that he's willing to try a relationship if I am. I'm not sure what to tell him. I do want to be with him, but my feelings for B haven't gone away, and I don't want to start a relationship with M only to have it fall apart down the road if it becomes clear that we're not going to be in the same country again, at least for a while. And again, my feelings for B. So I haven't really made any progress.

 

I know you were hoping M wouldn't want a relationship so you wouldn't have to make a decision. You had made progress - you decided that M and you did not share similar values, he lived in another country that you could not afford to visit or seldom visit, and you figured that he would expect sex on your next meeting. You decided it would be better to see where it goes with B, because you already knew you had some pretty foundational things in common as a starting point, as well as mutual attraction and respect. But when he said he "wanted to try" you forgot all about that stuff.

 

If you are not sure what to tell him, you he has said he is willing "if you are," You just tell him that he was right the first time, that the distance is something you don't want to try with now that you are considering things more deeply. You can be honest about your differences of country and faith and you are looking for someone with longterm potential or you can leave it on the distance thing. It is up to you if you want to offer him friendship only, but I think it wouldn't be fair to B to let M pursue you. You can tel M that you had a wonderful time with him that you won't soon forget.

[thelastsong]

Everything you said is completely true. It was really hard and I nearly changed my mind after Skyping with him because seeing him again really brings back so many memories and feelings, but I sent him a message saying that I can't handle the distance. Visiting would be rare and expensive, and if neither of us plans to move to the other's country (which I think would be unwise for many reasons), I can't be in a relationship where we're betting against the odds and hoping we'll end up together eventually but slowly realizing that it's just not going to happen.

 

It really hurts to let go of him like this, but it really is for the best. I told him that I'd like to keep him in my life, but if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, I understand. Thanks again to everyone for the advice and the input!