Can it really all be one persons fault?

[Grant73]

A couple of weeks ago I ended things with my girlfriend after she over reacted to a situation. She often did this as she is under a fair amount of stress. But this particular time she became abusive and violent so I decided enough was enough.

 

Just to paint a picture... She was always very jealous and had high demands and expectations. I gave her all the freedom in the world to do what she wanted and I tried very hard to make her happy but every few days she would just "change" mood and she would create drama from nowhere. She denied she did this, but the usual way it played out was that she would say I want to dump her and she would either get over it shortly or she would disappear for a few days and then make contact asking to talk.

Whenever I met her she would just say she missed me and she would stop doing it but she never talked about it.

 

Anyway this pattern went on for months but the reactions were becoming more aggressive so after the last outburst I decided to end it.

This was on New Year's Eve and we had planned to have a BBQ and catch up with some of her friends and family at my house. She asked me if I would still have it there and I agreed saying that I would but from then on we were only friends.

 

Just after her friends arrived she asked me to talk with her in private which I did. She broke down and said she loved me and she was sorry and that she would get help with her issues etc. I told her it was over but I didn't hold any bad feeling towards her nor was I going to make anyone's night (including hers) unenjoyable.

 

That night I was speaking to her very politely and making sure she was ok. I treated everyone like they were welcome and everyone enjoyed their evening. That night when I went to bed she followed me and hopped in. I told her she could sleep there but that was it.

She again tried to get back together by saying things like 'just forgive me. I would if you did it'. She probably would have too but I had had enough at this stage.

When I rejected her again she became agitated and abusive. She told me I had ruined her life among other things. I just rolled over and went to sleep with the intention of dealing with it the following morning.

 

The next day I woke up and she was out of bed but came back soon after and just stared at the ceiling. I almost put my arm around her to comfort her but decided against it. A few minutes later she sat up and said that I was a liar, cheat and coward and when her life falls apart and she loses everything it will be all my fault. She then got up and told all of her friends how much of a bastard I was before herding everyone off and leaving.

 

I went straight into NC until yesterday when I broke it to send her a message. Not to get back together or try to rectify things, but I sent one saying that I was sorry for my part in the break up. I am acutely aware that it takes 2 people to make or break a relationship and I was equally aware that I didn't always respond well to her outbursts. I did in the beginning but by the end I was always finding myself having to fix things and it made me tired so I guess I just stopped trying. Anyway, I sent the message apologising for my part in our failed relationship just hoping she would get some comfort from knowing that I too was to blame for things and I didn't hold her responsible at all as we all make out own choices.

 

I received a message back several hours later saying that she was happy now and intended in staying that way and she had no desire to get back together. I replied by saying I was happy she was ok and that she would be better off without me because we just couldn't make it work. I then received a message telling me how everything was my fault and I needed help. This one I ignored and went to sleep figuring she had at least got it off her chest and figured it done and dusted. I didn't like the idea she felt that way about me but at least I felt good knowing she was ok.

 

About 1:30 this morning I woke to my phone ringing and just answered it without looking. It was her. She said she was calling to make sure I was ok and I told her I was fine because I was. The whole conversation started very politely.

She then asked me if I had anything to say to her and I simply said I was sorry for my part in the failure of the relationship. She became angry straight away and said I'm a liar and that I should be sorry because of everything I had done. She then went on a rant for about 10 minutes saying she was never happy and that she told me every time she had an outburst that she wasn't and that she stood by my being miserable and she deserved better etc.

 

I didn't say a word. I just let her continue until she ran out if things to say but she bought up so many occasions when I was trying really hard to be a good partner and bent over backwards for her to use as times when I apparently hurt her.

The last one she mentioned was how I manipulated and embarrassed her on New Year's Eve and how I pretended everything was ok just to make her look stupid. The fact was I told her from the start that we were only friends and that I wouldn't treat her differently from anyone else there that evening.

Anyway, without spelling the whole thing out... I spent a fair amount of money and put a fair amount if effort into entertaining her and her friends because I always tried to make her happy. But this too was apparently something that made her miserable.

 

She never once told me she was unhappy as she said she did and I told her that. She responded by saying that I'm just too stupid to have not heard it and that she told me all the time and that she stood by my side even though she kept telling me and I kept hurting her.

She then asked me what I had to say for myself and I again said I was sorry for my part I had no idea she was sad.

That's the truth! There was never any mention of being upset, sad or angry. In fact whenever we would make up I would try talking with her about seeing someone to deal with our issues but she kept insisting that we didn't have any. I even tried just being friends for a while and not getting too close so we could work things out instead of just jumping straight back into the relationship but this just made her feel rejected.

 

Like I said, she never once directly told me she was sad. In fact she constantly told me how I was the best thing that ever happened to her and how much she loved me.

 

She went on another rant and when she finished she asked me if I had anything to say to her that wasn't lies. She insisted that I knew all along she was miserable and that everything was my fault. I told her I didn't have anything to say because I had already told get the truth by saying I had no idea she was so miserable for so long. She said fine and said goodbye and hung up.

 

Today I sent my final message because I was worried about her as I still do care. It said that I'm sorry for not being able to answer her question lady night but I was telling the truth when I said I didn't know. I even bit the billet and apologized for being everything she said I was and for hurting her. She text back saying she didn't need to hear from me and that she made it perfectly clear last night that she wanted me out if her life and finished off by saying that I need help and she wished me luck in getting it.

 

I am now into NC as there is nothing more to say. I just cannot believe that a person can see things as the other person being responsible for everything. I don't think it's even possible for that to happen. Even through all if her outbursts and unrational behavior I still saw faults in my own actions and admit to them. I don't know if she is just being mean out of spite or if she really feels that way. The scary part is that I think she really does consider everything my fault and that has got my head in a spin because I would hate to be a person like that.

 

I don't know what she wanted me to say when she called last night but whatever it was I never said it and it had only made her blame me more. I should have just stayed NC but I felt I owed it to her to say I was sorry for doing anything wrong. I never thought she would have attacked me the way she did. And all if this after she tried so hard to get back together on NYE and said she would get help for her problems.

[shessofly]

some people do actually think and believe that way, however, there is nothing you can do to change it. i think nc is the way to go with this, unless you're up for more abuse. good luck.

[Azerak]

Manipulation, abusive, and violent... Her outbursts and behavior that she has been having isn't going to help her. It seems like she is suffering, but won't show it to you, it appears like there was a lack of communications with issues and problems within the relationship, especially with her behavior, you couldn't resolve anything with her.

 

She seems a bit too much stuck up, on a high horse, and requires too much maintenance, that is too much for you (not judging you, or her). Its better to continue what you're doing, move on and forget about her. We can brood about what you did in the relationship, and be angry for the mess ups, or we can be happy for the good times that you guys had, honestly I would go with being happy for the good times that you had, and move on. The only thing you can really do is stick with NC and find new enjoyment, happiness, whatever there is out there in this world.

[woodsrose10]

Wow, this girl def has her issues. You were right in ending it. Keep this girl out of your life, she's nothing but trouble.

 

In fact, your situation reminds me a lot of this girl I was "friends" with in 5th grade. (A long time ago, I know, lol. But I have a huge memory, & this understandably sticks out.) Her name was Jackie, and she was a lot like your gf ~ she was extremely manipulative and verbally/emotionally abusive. One day she'd be my best friend, and the next day she'd be my worst enemy. She was like a light switch, on & off, on & off. And when she was mad at me, it wasn't pretty. She used to make up downright lies just to have a reason to be mad, and was always looking for a fight. She even threatened to punch me several times, saying things like, "I'm gonna kick your butt someday!" and played the "poor me" card many times. I kept giving her second chances, over and over, and where did that get me? In the nurse's office in tears and living a life of fear and poor confidence.

 

Take my advice: This girl sounds very much like Jackie, & I highly doubt she's going to change. (Even if she does, it won't be for anytime soon.) Keep NC and out of your life.

[catfeeder]

You don't need to do any mind pretzels about this. The girl flaked on you during the relationship, and she's just doing more of the same now.

 

I can appreciate that it feels bad to break up, but you will thank yourself for this later. Stay NC and stop contacting her. It just gives her reason to work herself up--and ghaaad knows, she doesn't need any good reason to do that.

 

Head high.