Am I controlling?

[punished]

Looking for some advice. My marriage counselor is trying to get us to come together and decide where the marital lines are since we apparently disagreed. He's been telling me I'm controlling and I've been telling him he's disrespectful. The first step is to individually write down a ten point list of boundaries we would like to have. After I wrote mine I wondered if I am, indeed, asking for more than is appropriate in a marriage. A little history is that we have been together for eleven years and he has been unfaithful with a close friend within this past year. The affair started as an emotional affair (lots of talking, texting, and sharing) We are trying to regain list trust and heal. Here is the list I have written:

 

Ten Point List of Boundaries

(regarding emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy)

 

1. Nothing physical with another woman.

 

2. No alone time with another woman unless its within the workplace and concerns your job.

 

3. No communicating with a woman via phone or internet unless its

something you would freely share with me and it isn't very frequent with a single individual.

 

4. Conversational boundaries with other women are:

Talking with them about troubled relationships

Sex likes and dislikes, positions, sex stories, etc.

 

5. No strippers.

 

6. No hook-up websites and especially no creating profiles on them.

 

7. Nothing sexual with a webcam or any "live porn"

 

8. Respecting my boundaries within our own bed and not doing something I've told you I don't want to do.

 

9. No name calling, making fun of me, or silent treatment when I'm discussing my feelings and concerns.

 

10. Informing me of where you'll be and when I should expect you home. If things change please let me know.

[pl3asehelp]

Sounds totally reasonable to me and should be the way everyone behaves.

[craigslist]

I agree, most of these 'terms' are totally reasonable. I would however reconsider the 'no alone time' with other women, as as you stated with your term no 3, he is not allowed to do anything regarding women if he is not open to share everything with you. The psychological thing goes about freedom as well, he needs to feel that you are not taking away his freedom, but that you are only asking him to be considerate to you, to your relationship. The rest is all normal terms as accepted by civilization re relationships. I wish you all the best with this, I know its not easy, I have also gone through this. Remember, two to tango...and there is a reason for everything.

[becomingkate]

It sounds totally fine to me as well.

[punished]

Craigslist: I understand what you are saying about freedom. And I agree with you. But he has cheated. He recently went to a bar with a female colleague after work and when I heard about it later the feeling of panic took over me. I am personally not ready for him to do that. This boundary is a new one based on our history. i never used to feel this way. Do you think it would have a different psychological feeling concerning his freedom if that one was phrased differently? Or considered temporary? I don't want to turn him off right away he already feels I'm trying to control him.

[Ms Darcy]

2, 9, and 10 are a little much for me. I have male friends. Sometimes "silent treatment" is really just "cooling off." And I don't want to have to constantly report my whereabouts to someone else.

 

Ultimately, I think if these rules came about post cheating and he doesn't like them, you might reconsider whether the reconciliation/staying together was a good idea.

[Lester]

“asking for more than is appropriate in a marriage” Punish… you shouldn’t have to ask or write lists.

 

 

Please consider a more streamlined approach:

 

1. There can be no other women… ever. (This is said privately and only once.)

 

2. If you can’t/won’t do this then I want you to leave… the sooner the better.

 

3. I wish you nothing but happiness!

 

4. Where can I my attorney reach you?

 

 

PS You have nothing if you don’t have respect. List making and other luke-warm fixes will only increase his distain of you.