Broken Girl

[MayMay]

I've been thinking alot about words lately, while I wander around in the world with this overwhelming fog of depression hanging over me. I was thinking that the words I use when I *think* about *myself* are always bad. Words like: "Traumatized", "Victimized", "Betrayed", and the most often, "Broken".

 

"Broken" seems to be the one that fits me the most. My friends, who've steadfastly seen me thru all this torment, who've listened to me whine and complain and torture myself COUNTLESS amounts of times in the last year, have now begun to refer to me in this manner, also. Such as, "May, you're just a little broken, it will be okay", and "Maymay, you were MUCH more broken six months ago, you are really getting better." But the gist of it always is: I'm still broken.

 

I like the word/I hate the word. It puts distance between me and others. It makes me somewhat unique, and explains my bad/unreasonable/moody behavior. It allows me to be a hermit or a hooker. No one sees me as the villian for any action/I never have to take responsibility, BECAUSE: everyone knows what he did, what an absolute S@#% he was, how much I loved him and how much he hurt me. They tiptoe around me on eggshell feet; they coddle me and love me and forgive me, all because I'm a

 

Broken girl.

 

And I FEEL broken. Even when I'm sortof okay/having a good day/don't think about him too much. I feel like the girl I was BEFORE him doesn't exist anymore. And I *liked* that supremely confident/strong/trusting girl. I feel like the BEFORE girl is gone, and I may never get her back, and although I am what people consider desirable, I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of having a RELATIONSHIP with another man. I feel like I may never love again, not because the options are not out there, but because I may never be able to trust anyone ever again.

 

Did HE STEAL that trust from me, or did I give it up out of fear?

 

He did an awful thing to me, cheating on me for so many years, leaving me, refusing to give me answers or closure or anything. I dreamed of him/dream of him, loved him/love him, felt for him more deeply than I ever felt for anyone before/unable or unwilling to give him up even though I KNOW FOR A FACT he wants NOTHING more to do with me. In the face of such UNDENIABLE evidence, how on earth do you start believing in yourself again?

 

Where do you start to pick up your broken pieces?

 

Everybody wants to know WHENWHENWHEN they will start to feel better... believe me, it's been a year and a month, and yesterday I felt as though I could have been at day one again. The superglue failed to stick yesterday, and I lost all my dignity, and I lay on the couch and cried. This, after a year of "healing", which is another word I think of almost constantly.

 

Tell me no one has ever died of a *broken* heart and I'll tell you it's not true. The old me died, the BEFORE me, and now I have to salvage what's left of her and try to make it thru every day with this new, ugly, patched-up lie of a girl who's barely sewn together at the seams.

 

What's wrong with all of us, that we have this terrible sickness in our hearts? If love is SO great, why is the ending so awful? Is it fair that we go thru 1 or 2 years of happiness, only to be stricken with another 1 or 2 years of despair? And WHO ON EARTH WOULD WANT TO DO THIS THING AGAIN? And who on earth WOULDN'T?

 

May

[tsgirl]

May ,

 

I know it is tough now, but things will get better. You deserve better, and you should not give up on yourself.

 

Life is not always about LOVE as in loving a HIM and being loved back. Love comes in many forms, and you have to learn to let them warm your heart. Your kid, you friends, your family, your coworkers. There are tiny grains of love hanging in there that can make up at least partially for a wholehearted LOVE that comes from a partner and that partner only.

 

Look around. Try to smile. Try to look at the things you like, and smile when you see one. Give love, and you will receive love in return.

 

I know I sound tacky.. been there myself, been miserable for three years after a great relationship of two years, but I do not want to get older and let the rest of my life pass me by. There are maybe 30-40 years to live - I dont want to live those being unhappy.

 

It's up to us.. it really is.

[sonjam]

May,

 

I lost the GIRL BEFORE too, after a disaster of a relationship I would still be in, if he did not die 2 x years ago in a motorbike crash. I was desperate, and crushed to not let go, but as death goes, you can't hold on!.

 

Now, 2 x years later, Im stuck with the new ME, broken desolate, no self confidence, fat ugly and miserable. And without my love (who was really detremental to my soul and my health). I loved him with all my heart, regardless of that. I would have cost me my life in the end, Im sure of it.

 

Slowly I'm realising that I see glimpses of the old me, but she is now socially maladjusted, shy, no self confidence, and it depresses me to remember how I used to be. What I do know, if I will not get better if I dont' go in search of the OLD ME, find her, and embrace her again. It is the ONLY way to recovery.

 

One step at a time, start building the blocks of your confidence, find a new hobby, look at yourself in the mirror, say your affirmations, do exercises, eat balanced meals, do your hair, and make-up, buy a new dress - a bit more daring than before. You will find yourself, your self love, and your happiness with it.

 

I know you will. DO IT with me. I dont want to feel like this for the rest of my life!!!

[Heathcliff]

May,

It sounds to me like you have never truly given up on what you had. You torture yourself with it. When you can finally let it all go, then you can move onto being where you want to be. You fill yourself with pain and let nothing else replace it. There's no room for joy. I know the experience will leave scars, but do you really want those painful memories to define who you are? Embrace them, but don't let them control you. You're not broken, you're quite normal and very sensitive. You feel things more deeply than others and that's ok.

 

It's also possible that you like feeling unique because you have these feelings of depression and sadness. You have a desire to differentiate yourself from the usual crowd of ignorant bliss. But, I could be wrong.

 

How much are you willing to risk to be happy? Do you want absolute certainty that you'll never be betrayed again? It's not possible and it never will be. You do the best you can with what you've got. It doesn't mean that you have to settle for what's in front of you. It won't always be a terrible struggle, but you fight for what you truly love. I'm probably sounding pretty hokey right about now. Especially if i say that you need to love yourself. You are who you are and embrace every imperfection as a part of who you are.

 

I could go on and on, but I don't want to waste your time if you think what I'm saying sounds impossible or irrational. We all could use some help along the way; someone to help us pick ourselves up, dust the dirt off and keep fighting for what we want out of life. Words of encouragement can do a lot for our esteem.

 

May, I do hope you find what you really want.

[sbrew21]

Its so hard to not focus on ourself and to see what we have become. Heartbreak is the worst of aches and the hardest to heal because there is no medication for it except how you perceive things. I think everyone on this site can relate to everyone. The hurt, despair, and all the tears that fall. You have no motivation and no reasonings to get up and do anything. Sometimes if we stop pitying ourself we feel a little better. I am sure you know there are people out there who have it worse than us so I have a suggestion. Start volunteering. Even if its only once a month, or once a year it will help you give to someone else which makes you feel so much better about you. As hard as it is you have to think of the positives the best you can.

 

You might never be that girl you once were but you can be better. You just need to work on it. Give yourself a few more days and then start improving the new you. You are the only one who can control how you feel.

[trishcollins]

I am SO sorry that you feel the way you do. I am sure all of us can relate. I went through something very similar 7 years ago with a previous breakup. It took me 18 months to get to the point where I was okay with dating again. I felt all those things you did, cried all the time and felt horrible. Life seemed dark and bleak. I thought "he was the one" and what is was was just a nice guy who just didn't see a future for us. I took it all very personally and dragged myself through each day for the next year and a half. I had to force myself to start dating again. Once I got out there again, it helped, although I still spent a lot of time comparing them to my "ex". I thought I would never meet anyone again that I would love or trust. I dated a few different people (not slept with all, just dated), and before I knew it, I seemed to have my confidence back and was in a good place to start a new relationship. It took me about 3 years in total to get there.

 

Then, two years ago I met my "current" ex. He was everything I wanted and we were/are madly in love. However, this time it wasn't our feelings that changed, but the circumstances that made it impossible for our relationship to continue (his daughter would not accept her father in a relationship so soon after her mother suddenly passed away, and made it unbearable for us -- in the end, he had no choice but to choose her), so four months ago, he ended the relationship. I am devastated and can't believe someone who loved me so much (and apparently still does) could just walk away from everything we had (we bought a house together and were planning on getting married). However, I do understand why he is doing what he is doing, I just don't think he has considered any options - but that's not why I am responding to this.

 

Anyway, the reason I responded to you is that even though I know this man was/is the man for me, I refuse to waste another 3 years of my life AGAIN wallowing in self-pity. The one lesson I learned the first time around was that there IS someone else out there and even though the thought of being with another man right now makes me very uncomfortable, I know at some point I will be with someone else, and I will trust and love them, because I won't let myself be a victim of bad-timing and bad decision making on someone else's part. I can't control what they do, I can only control what I do. And what I want to do most of all, is be happy. I know it's hard, believe me I do, but you need to start pulling yourself up again.

 

Have you considered counselling? I find it's really helpful. It gives you a different perspective and they are more objective than your friends, who often tell you what you want to hear, or are just too blunt and don't consider your true feelings all the time.

 

My heart goes out to you. Please know that we all understand how you feel.