Wife Doesn't Love Me?

[atlantacindy]

I'm writing this under an assumed name.

 

I'm a 35 year old male who was married August 21, 2004. I'm going back to school for my Masters Degree.

 

My girlfriend, when she heard I was going back for my Masters, was very supportive and we decided to get married. We moved to a new city and it's been all downhill since then.

 

I take Masters level classes (15 credit hours) and I've had to take a full-time position as an engineer (my old career) to pay our bills. She sleeps in every day until 9 and then goes to work at a restaurant for $8 an hour 3-4 days a week. She has put in no effort to get a full-time job. Also, she wanted to be a physical therapist... now she says that dream is dead due to lack of funds (that's b.s., we can get a Federal Loan). Meanwhile, I'm working full-time 3rd shift and going to school full time. She doesn't seem to care that I'm never around and I'm exhausted... absolutely exhausted.

 

This week I said I wanted to cut down my hours.. she asked "Does it get too tough for you by the end of the week" YES! Like she can't tell I'm tired?!!! all the time?? Tells me she simply isn't paying attention.. at all.

 

We had one night together this week, "family night", she decided to cancel it and work to free up another night to hang out with her friend. So, I won't see her this week hardly at all.

 

Starting from Day 1 of the honeymoon, sex is scarce.. lucky if we have it once a week. Such a joke.. she was all over me before we got married.. now.. she is ice cold.

 

I'm beginning to think she simply doesn't love me. I'm beginning to think she got married because it was time to get married for her.. I just happened to be the one she was dating when she wanted to get married.

 

Tonight was the boiling point for me. We have 30 minutes together before I leave for work.. as normal... she would not even stop watching a movie (she's a NetFlix junkie) to talk with me. I then accidentally knocked over her sewing kit (I'm simply exhausted.. a mistake).. and she flipped out.

 

I'm at work now and I just need to run this by people. She thinks I'm absent minded.. maybe I am.. but I think it's because I'm tired and trying to take on too much. I feel as if I'm carrying 99% of the load. I feel as if I have no support.

 

Can I have some advice?

 

Thank you.

[hurtbylove]

It sounds like your needs are definetly being neglected and the balance is unfair.

 

You don't sound unreasonable at all, you are trying your best to support this family and further your career. You see her staying where she is, not really trying. It must be very frustrating to see that.

 

How old is she?

 

How long did you guys have a relationship before marriage?

 

Have you consulted her about this issues? Communication of course is key. It's bad for you to harbor all these feelings of resentment without her "knowing" even if she should know. Tell her the things that you wrote here, and ask her to change.

[atlantacindy]

She's 32. We met in January.. married in August. I know.. quick.. but really, I do love her and we met with a Pastor, saught pre-marital counseling just to make sure we were on the same page.. and we were really at peace with getting married. I do love her.. I just am no longer sure she loves me.

 

I find that when I communicate with her.. she throws it right back in my face.. she would say.. "well, if you had planned better financially, we wouldn't be in this situation.." or "you told my parents you would take care of me!".

 

I will communicate with her.. I just need to get some indepedent feedback because I know she's going to push back.

 

She's a good person, but I feel as if her heart is being exposed and she doesn't know it.. you can't hide the fact that you don't care for someone... I feel as if that is coming out in her actions, where she knows it or not.

[hurtbylove]

That's not the way a mature relationship communicates.

 

I saw a huge warning sign there.

 

Communication is 2 ways. You put the issue out there and she throws it back in your face. There is something called compromise. Don't let her pin this all on you.

 

She may be 32, but she is acting very childish.

[_Ramirez_]

Well for a starter I really think part of your problem right now is that you're doing way too much. A normal human being can't run really long on the adrenaline and you are exhausted. This might make you paranoi on things that do not exist. The relationship you're in might not be in such a bad shape but since you have no energy left for anything you don't see it that way.

 

Your wife sound selfish and she put all on your back, the fact that you take it all can be blamed on you only. Cut back the hours, cut into the luxury and try to get some rest sometimes, the rest should follow. If the financial burden is too much for you then revise your way of living.

 

2 cars, a big house, 2 cell phones, the big TV, etc. can put a real burden on your shoulders. If your wife don't agree with your cut then tell her to find a better job. Don't be an hostage with agreeing to pay for everything while she work part time and have some good time.

 

Believe me when I say that a burn out is the last thing you want. We all have our limits and we all burn if we're not careful.

[Francis]

The fact that before marriage she was all over you and that now she is not interested even in talking to you is a bad sign. You might be right that she does not love you. It seems she is a rather manipulative person.

 

You should communicate with her and tell her how you feel and see how she reacts. Don't threaten her with divorce, though, because she may change temporarily until you are completely hooked (children).

 

Now you have the chance to get to know her the way she really is and if she stays this way, I guress you mayconsider divorce. At least, there are no children yet.

 

Good luck!

[OceanEyes]

I find that when I communicate with her.. she throws it right back in my face.. she would say.. "well, if you had planned better financially, we wouldn't be in this situation.." or "you told my parents you would take care of me!"

 

Take care of her? At 32? It doesn't sound like she was taught to fend for herself, or that she understands the importance of her contributing her share in this marriage.

 

The fact that you haven't even been married a year and there is already a serious lack of sex isn't good at all Atlanta. This could mean that you guys rushed into things before you really knew each other (well, before you knew her more like). I don't think the sex should have died down this much already - imagine how often it will be in 2 years? 10 years?

 

Another thing that I've noticed with men, is that they will sometimes work themselves into exhaustion, but not communicate that properly. If you sit down with her while you are both calm and on good terms and say, "look hun, I've been feeling so run down lately that all I feel like doing is sleeping when I'm not working/ studying. I'm trying to make things work for our family and move forward with our lives. I love you so much and appreciate what you do contribute, but I would be able to relax a bit more if there was a bit more income. Do you think you could get a couple of extra shifts at work? I only ask because I'd really like for us to start planning better things, and it's hard to do that when we can barely make ends meet.".

 

If you're tired a lot of the time, and are always coming home in a state of exhaustion, then there is a good chance that your wife really does notice that and just tries to back off and give you some space. Also, she may feel emotionally disconnected if there isn't as much romance or open communication as there was before.

 

What was she like before you married her? Did she have the same job at a restaurant 3-4 times a week, making the same amount of money? What level of education does she have? The reason I ask, is because unlike you, she may not have the credentials/ educational background to actually just 'go out there' and find herself another, more well-paid job. Not everyone has as many options as those of us who have been to university.