LDR Romantic

[lillady898]

In a long-distance relationship, how can you be romantic? Just wondering...

 

 

My boyfriend and I are 2 hours apart; However, he is very busy with his studies. I can't neccesarily do the whole surprise visit thing.

 

 

 

Oh, and if you've seen previous posts where I was saying I am breaking up with my boyfriend: Against all odds I am giving it one more try. Otherwise, someone please slap me if I don't break it off.

[tea]

Hmm... this army wife married her husband for a year and 11 months... and he's been deployed for a year and 9 months. ^^; She's hoping he'll return next fall... poor her... but she still loves him, although he can't really communicate with her.

 

Recently, when I feel down about my relationship I think about her. She's having it harder than I'm having it... and she made it work.

 

 

A few things I tried was figuring out what he needs in daily life, and send a few things over there. Practical things make guys happy when they know you're thinking about him. Then... on letters I send him I spray the perfume he likes on it. Sometimes I send small articles of clothing that I wore overnight or something.. ^^: just so he'll remember me. ^^:

 

Random E-card... I made a stupid looking flower arrangement on link removed and sent it to my boyfriend's mail box... took pictures and sent those, sing songs, record, send.. ^^:

 

But, yeah, I'm kind of looking for new ways to surprise him too.

[PAdreamer]

My boyfriends lives cross-country for me. We spend time chatting online and talking on the phone- those are really the only ways we can communicate during the many months we're apart. A lot of the romance comes from simply the topics we talk about and just the WAY we communicate. The way we click really makes the relationship wonderful, and makes our actual in person experiences even better!

[arwen]

I sent my bf a personal gift, and he sent me a box of little surprises from the heart. This was very very romantic. You can make a home video, or tape your voice somewhere. Things like that.

[faeriechyld]

Not to sound cynical, as I'm not meaning it as such, but...romance is overrated.

 

I've found that I spend too much time worrying about how to make my relationship with my boyfriend romantic when, in essense, we're both happier when we're just having fun. For instance, our one year anniversary is the 8th of this month, on Monday. He's coming home for the week on Saturday and I've been racking my brain for something romantic to do. But I realized when we were talking on the phone last night, that the important thing is not that we have an incredible evening of romance and splendor, but that we're together. It doesn't matter what we do or whether it's "perfect" in the eyes of other people, but that we're happy, that we're enjoying our time together.

 

The little things that you do, a phone call, a quick email, what have you...those are the things that really matter. Going all out is nice in theory, but it's really not necessary.

[PAdreamer]

I can see your point... I wouldn't say it's overrated... I would say that people put too much emphasis on it instead of trying to find a happy balance. Romance is important in a healthy relationship, and even more so, I think, in an LDR. But there also needs to be a level of practicality. And romance can be found in a lot of small things- it doesn't have to be all presents and romantic talk. Sometimes a simple gesture can be romantic. For example, since my bf and I usually talk online or on the phone, if I have something to say to him that's truly from the heart I will write him a letter instead. Because it's not something I do often, it makes it special even if the topic of the letter isn't particularly romantic. So romance is really in the eye of the beholder.

[lillady898]

Yeah.. I definetly don't think romance is overrated. The little romantic things are sometimes the most fun. I'd never beat myself over it for anything, because I do love the time we can just be together, but I think it's fun. Bottom line... It's not like I can be with him in a long-distance relationship... It's kind of hard to have fun together, when we're not actually together. I think romance is very fun at times, and can only make things seem even more special.

 

Anyway, all of those ideas are awesome... Any more?

[faeriechyld]

Bottom line... It's not like I can be with him in a long-distance relationship... It's kind of hard to have fun together, when we're not actually together.

 

I can't be with my boyfriend more than *maybe* every two months if we're lucky. But, that's probably the reason I don't put so much emphasis on romance. The little bit of time we get with each other every couple of months is too important for me to try to force the romance. For us, it just kinda comes naturally.

 

A suggestion for a romantic thing to send is a cd of songs that remind you of him. I've sent my guy two. Also look for small gifts on link removed. Not flowers, but they have things like gameboards and candy that you could send.

[PAdreamer]

Okay that right there is a really good way to put it. I am naturally a romantic person, and so is my boyfriend. So when we do get the chance to be together, the romance just sort of happens. But you definitely shouldn't put a lot of emphasis on the romance if it doesn't just happen for you. Focus on the strengths of your relationship... If you show each other how you feel just by conversing, then do that! Or even if you do it by sitting silently together, do that! Do what works best for you.Like I said, romance can be carried out in many different modes.

[bat_grrl]

That was great advice!!! I am very romantic by nature. My bf is as well, although more so in person than he is email/online. I am trying to (with some difficulty) realize that we are two different people and not going to feel or act in the same ways as each other.

 

Sometimes I get upset that I send him all of these emails and call and leave little messages on his machine and sometimes he goes a few days without answering my emails. We do talk almost daily online. That has to count for something right? For almost 3 months he did absolutely nothing with his friends as he was online with me each night. That has stopped a bit as he is now doing things with his friends again and is going out with them a couple of times a week at least. That is okay though, we both have lives outside of our LDR (so I am trying to convince myself).

 

I would liek him to take the time to email me more often, even just a short "Love you. Thinking of you." But he works outside and only comes into the office for lunch and sometimes even not then. I work at home on the computer, so I have constant access.

 

I am trying not to press him too much or be too needy about having constant romantic attention. It says alot that he meets me online most of the time, stays up talking to me and only getting like 5 hours sleep and even doing the entire LDR relationship! I am in Toronto and he is in Philly and it doesn't make it easy!

 

Sometimes we have to stop looking at out expectations and just enjoy what is...

[faeriechyld]

Sometimes we have to stop looking at our expectations and just enjoy what is...

 

Well said.

[PAdreamer]

I know how you feel about trying to deal with the no-response thing. I still find myself feeling a little hurt when I send emails and hear nothing back. It does get easier to stomach, but it can take a little while. Just focus on the positive when you start to feel down! Don't psych yourself out.

[bat_grrl]

I am trying to get used to it. I asked him last night when i called him (we spent almost 3 hours on the phone) if he could try to take a couple minutes out of his day to just email and say "hI. Thinking of you. Miss you. Love you." He said that he understood and he would try to do so. We discussed the fact that he doesn't need to be reminded as much as I do.

 

Thing is, he keeps saying he will meet me online and he isn't. He said he hasn't been feeling well. I do know (from when I visited) when he doesn't feel well, he just crashes and falls asleep. It is impossible to wake him up. If I call, his machine just picks up.

 

So, like he was supposed to meet me tonight at 7:30. Well an hour late he isn't here. I call him and the machine picks up. I am sure he has a good reason but still. Beofre, he was always here when he said he would be. Now, it is more sporadic. I don't want to keep nagging him about it, however it does bother me.

 

Sometimes this is just so hard...

[PAdreamer]

As much as I understand your desire to talk to him, I think it's dangerous to set "meeting times" online and such. There are a number of things that could keep him from making the date. And it causes you to feel a lot of disappointment. It's safer to just get used to the "I'll talk to you when I talk to you" idea. It teaches you patience and lessens the amount of disappointment.

[lillady898]

I agree... My boyfriend and I used to set meeting times. That changed when he started getting busy at college and I'd get angry because he didn't pull through. Now, we just call eachother when we have the chance or check online periodically to see if the other is on. If we're too busy or our schedules just don't mesh, we leave voicemails back and forth. It saves me from getting angry, worried, hurt, naggy, etc. And it saves him from me acting angry, worried, hurt, naggy, etc. Not knowing the exact time when we're going to talk again also gives me a surprise to look forward to!

[PAdreamer]

EXACTLY!

[arwen]

We do that the same way. When we both started to study again, him off to classes all day and me suffering the endless road of writing my MA thesis, we didn't make real appointments. We make sort of intentional plans. Suppose we meet online early before he goes to class and I start writing. We have a quick chat and agree to try to meet in the evening. When one of us won't make it, we send messages to each other's phone. It took some time to get used to this, because we met in the summer and had all the time of the world to chat for hours.

 

I have to say, I wouldn't ask my bf to email or contact me more. It would take the spontaneity away from it, which is the essense of it in the first place. My bf needs a lot of reassurance as well, I guess I should take that into account.

 

Well, I see him in a couple of days now, I am getting nervous, really.

 

Ilse

[bat_grrl]

Thanks so much for your advice everyone! You are so right. It is funny that I check tonight to see what you have wrote as we made a "date" to meet online tonight at 8 as we usually do and he didn't show up. I felt disappointed, just as you said.

 

I am going to try what you all suggest and just check periodically in the evenings to see if he is on. If he is, great, if he isn't well then something came up. I guess I got too used to him being on everynight, which he was before I came out there too see him. That's what gets to me so much is that we talked more before I came out there. I know it is all in my head and I am over-analyzing things.

 

I just wish when he sin't going to be on, or something comes up, I could at least get a quick email or something. I don't want him to think that I want him to "check in" with me though. I am afraid if I come off as being too needy or clingy that he will back off. I need to learn to just let things be and talk to him as we can find time to. That is the hard part...