very stressed and considering ending my relationship

[justaglimmer]

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for around 6 months now, and have been “official” for most of that time. We live over an hour away from each other right now, which makes things hard sometimes. Typical beginning - He pursued me and I was hesitant at first, didn’t even know if I’d go on a second date with him, but I honestly had a great feeling about him once I started getting to know him. Now that feeling has somewhat changed and I have many concerns. I don’t want to make this thread a mile long, but I do want some opinions.

 

I’m somewhat of a hopeless romantic when I really care for someone. I can be a real giver and no I’m not perfect, but I do feel under-appreciated. Anyway, my new boyfriend just seemed so sweet and adorable. After a few dates, I became attracted to him for many reasons. Before I knew it, I found myself in what has turned into a one-sided relationship. I’m the one always coming to see him, even though I’m exhausted after a long week of my college classes and externship. I’ve recently mentioned to him that I’d like him to come down to my place, get to know my family a little more. He seemed indifferent about the thought, but mentioned that they were also welcome to come up to his place at any time, and that he’d throw a bbq in the spring and invite them all up. Yeah, that’s a nice thought, but I was kinda growing irritated and thinking to myself “Or, you could make at least a half-ass effort to come visit my home a little more, IF you really cared about me and being part of my world.”

 

Now, granted, he works hard throughout the week. But he has weekends off. And I think that at some point in our relationship he could have come to see me too on the weekends. I know, I should have voiced my concerns to him a long time ago about how I’m the one always driving to see him. I suppose he mainly prefers I come to see him because he has his own place and I don’t. but I guess I was kinda hoping he’d at least offer to come see me on his own, just to take the burden off me sometimes. Perhaps I was living in a fairytale land and wishing on a star. Forgive my tone, but I’m tired of the cycle. I’m tired of always ending up being the giver and getting not much in return, other than facing yet another probable breakup. Its also tiring to have to always spell it out for someone. He also never calls me, and I had a talk with him last month about my wanting to actually hear from him on the phone. Not just texting, but a genuine phone call, like most couples (especially when we do not get to see each other for awhile). I thought he had agreed and would start calling me some. That didn’t happen, he hasn’t called me once, but I’m still driving constantly to see him.

 

There’s been other little things that have had me pretty annoyed lately. He’s let me foot the bill quite a few times on our weekends together (not to mention the gas money I already have to shell out to come see him), but I’ve noticed he’s been spending a lot of money on this hobby he has. I had originally given him the benefit of the doubt because he claimed he was having problems at his job and may have to find a new one soon.

 

As I've said, there have been other annoyances, but the final kicker is the holidays – and maybe I’ve no right to be upset at this one, but I am. So whether its my fault or his – I’m still upset and I’m still going to say why. On thanksgiving, I came up to where he lives and met a ton of his extended family who he claimed to not even be all that fond of. Anyway, we spent hours at the family gathering. My family had celebrated thanksgiving the day before the actual holiday, and he was working of course on that day, so he said he could not come to my family’s dinner but invited me up to his for the next day. I told him that I would come up, but playfully said that he would owe me a visit at Christmas time. He was like “Okay babe!” So, long story short, Christmas time rolls around and I didn’t get my visit. We exchanged gifts last weekend, at his house of course. My family celebrated on Christmas eve this year, and his father’s extended family celebrated the day before Christmas eve. Then he claimed that his mother’s side was celebrating on Christmas eve and that he’d have to be there (again, this is the same family we visited with on thanksgiving and that he claims to not be all that fond of). He got off work early today (Christmas eve) and I texted him and asked him (in a nice, semi-jokingly manner) if he’s sure he can’t make it to my family’s dinner, as we were eating late and he’d have plenty of time to make it. He replied with “Yeah, you know I can’t. I gotta go home and shower and head to mom and dads house, I have family there right now”. And tomorrow he’s supposedly yet again having Christmas breakfast and/or lunch with his mom’s side of the family. In a way, as bad as I hate to admit it, it put a damper on the holidays for me. I think if he really wanted to be here, he could have been here. He’s a grown man, and I spent my thanksgiving with his family. I feel like we’ve missed out on awesome opportunities to grow as a couple.

 

Whether I’m wrong or right in this situation, I’m bothered enough by all of this to seriously consider breaking up with him. I love him and I've got really attached, but I can’t be in a relationship that is triggering these bothersome feelings like this. So whether the problem is me or him, this is something I’m taking seriously right now and I’m feeling hurt.

 

I’ve got to talk to him, regardless of the outcome. its not that I'm actually wanting to break up but there's so many concerns I have. Question is, do I really want to do all this over Christmas? I hate the thought of upsetting anyone over the holidays and even getting myself upset over the holidays, but I’m at a breaking point right now. I don’t like waiting things out. What should I do?

[joe123]

This relationship sounds a bit unrealistic. He sounds like he's quite selfish in that he'd rather spend money on his hobby than seeing you. Even though I'm a young guy, I'm old school in the respect that I think women shouldn't have to pay for things very often if at all if it can be helped. If he's working and you're at college why should you be constantly footing the bill? Worse than that is that you do all the leg-work to see him which is unfair as there should be give and take in every relationship and it does sound totally one-sided like you say.

 

I think you're in different lifestyles too that naturally clash. He seems more obsessed with his hobby and avoiding spending any cash on you which is very selfish. And you've got your studies and stuff to think of while you're the one doing all the work. It was very selfless of you to spend Thanksgiving with him and the least he could do was compromise and spend xmas with you. It sounds like the more the relationship has gone on, the more selfish he has become. I don't think he'll suddenly change. If anything, his selfishness will get worse.

 

I think you should text or call him and outline all your concerns. I have a feeling it won't be the wake-up call he needs but he needs to be told and you need to be honest. These are some very important concerns and you need to address them. He was happy to upset you over the holidays by not seeing you and you're only being honest by outlining your concerns. I hope it goes well but if he doesn't address the issues you mention then I don't think he ever will and it may be the best idea to end things as amicably as possible.

 

I ended my previous relationship a couple of days ago and it was so tough. I'm still worrying and over-thinking things myself. Xmas is probably the worst time to do it but I had to as I knew we weren't going anywhere anymore and I think she realised it too. It's never a good time to end things if thats what you feel you have to do but don't delude yourself into thinking it'll all be alright. He really needs to change to meet your expectations of what you want from a relationship and I think he'll always fall short of those. I do hope you have a great xmas this year. All the best!

[Ms Darcy]

I think you should read the book "He's just not that into you." You'll find your bf there.

[justaglimmer]

joe123, thank you for replying, I really do appreciate it. I am glad you can see where I'm coming from. I am so upset and its Christmas - I adore this guy but I know what I have to do and its killing me. You're right, he didn't care to upset me over the holidays, obviously. I'm sorry about your breakup, I hope you feel better and I wish you happy holidays as well

[justaglimmer]

I think you should read the book "He's just not that into you." You'll find your bf there.

 

Haha, I've actually skimmed the book before so I see what you're saying, and that's what I was afraid of. At the same time though, he seems to be very into me at times and definitely seems to be very attracted to me (saying things often like "baby you're so beautiful", "I'm so lucky to have found you", "I can't believe I have such a beautiful girlfriend"). But I guess a relationship cannot survive on sweet words alone. And it certainly can't grow at this rate.

[Batya33]

My husband and I were long distance on and off while we were dating. We did whatever was convenient and made the most sense as far as seeing each other -we didn't keep score. I often flew to see him because it made more sense but he offered to pay for my travel expenses (in all, he probably paid more but I offered each time so that it would be half or darn close to it) - the point is there are many ways to work out long distance travel in a relationship where it feels fair even if it's not technically equal. It matters a great deal to the health of the relationship. I think he is taking advantage of you being too much of a giver. I do see his point that there's more privacy if you go there but I would start to assert myself nicely. Offer if you can to pay for a motel room for part or all of his stay if he comes to you and tell him that you want more reciprocity - and then show him with your actions that you mean it. Don't cave in and go see him because he needs to see what it's like to miss you and miss out on time with you. Stick your guns more and give yourself little rewards and positive reinforcement for doing that. I think part of your reason for giving so much is to get approval and that's something to work on decreasing as much as possible.

 

Good luck!

[justaglimmer]

Thanks for replying batya, I will definitely work on being too much of a giver in the future. Its just strange because I thought he'd be the type of person who appreciated all the things I do, but would want to reciprocate naturally. I guess it really doesn't work out that way.

 

Anyway, we texted earlier today back and forth and he was being all sweet. These are only words though, via text at that. I asked him to call me tonight once he was done with his bazillion family gatherings (i didn't word it like that, but I did ask him to call tonight). He assured me that he would. The evening is winding down now, I would honestly bet that he is home by now and possibly been home for awhile. I guess I'll find out soon enough if he can at least give me one phone call.

[Batya33]

Don't think of it as being "too much of a giver" - but simply lacking the confidence to assert boundaries so that you are giving from a sense of healthy confidence and self-esteem rather than because you want approval from the other person. Why does he need to call you tonight? Maybe he needs a family day and a "me day" on the holiday.

[justaglimmer]

Batya, the thing is, he has supposedly spent the last 3 days with his family. I haven't seen him at all for the actual holiday itself, we simply exchanged gifts this past weekend. It might not be the best timing in the world but he has "me" days all the time, I give but I don't cling. If that makes sense. Tonight I need to talk, I don't want to keep all these negative feelings bottled up any longer than I already have. I haven't slept properly these past few nights, going over and over again in my head how I'm going to approach this with him.

[Batya33]

I don't think a holiday night is the right time to talk IMO. I'm really sorry you haven't been sleeping well -I know how that is. What I've found most successful in my relationships including in my marriage is giving the gift of space. You're a giver- right? Then give him the gift of space on a holiday night -if he does call keep it light- no "we need to talk" and find a time preferably in person or at least by phone when he isn't involved with family to have your talk. What probably happens is that you give out of insecurity and keep your feelings bottled up so that the other person is kind of shocked when all the negativity comes spilling out.

[Looking4One]

I am going through the exact same thing. When I say exact, I mean EXACT. Holidays shouldn't be ruined by your SO, it should be looked forward to. I'm sorry you are going through this, you are being taken granted for and not appreciated. Definitely have a good talk with him and tell him your needs. You are obviously agreeing to his needs but he isn't to yours. The relationship is unbalanced and as a result, the relationship will not grow. This is very unhealthy. If he still isn't making an effort after the talk (i.e. making phone calls every now and then, visiting you) then its time to pull the plug. Every relationship should be 50/50.

 

I still have not figured out what I am going to do but I agree, a holiday night isn't the right night to do it. Unless you are really convinced and looking for a new start for the new year. Good luck.

[justaglimmer]

Looking4One,

 

wow, I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this too. Its really hard. And its so much worse over the holidays because all you want is to be able to celebrate with this person but you just can't. Something is screaming at me that something about this relationship is "off" but I haven't found that opportunity to talk to him. For awhile, I was feeling bad for him because he was having a hard time with his job... well, things seem to be picking up there, but the relationship was still weird to me and now other things have happened. I'll admit, I was so upset yesterday I probably would have still said something about it all last night had he called, which he didn't. I didn't hear from him till late last night, he texted me apologizing for not getting up with me for awhile, said he was just now leaving his parents house. Then apparently by the time he returned back to his place, there had been a family emergency (he went into great detail about it... if he was making it up then he's a real crazy, but I don't think he was making it up). I know it looks weird but I'm trusting him on this one that the emergency really happened. I had told myself yesterday that if he didn't call last night, if he couldn't at least give me one call on christmas night, I was done - automatically -unless there was some emergency or legit good reason he could not call. I can't say anything to him for awhile now, I can't just dump all this on him until after this passes. Its driving me friggin crazy though. Surely he could tell something wasn't quite right by the tone of my texts. Yeah I know, its hard to tell the "tone" of someone through a text, but what i'm saying is that normally I'm all "baby, cutie, love u" and sending cute little emoticons and all that. Yesterday I wasn't doing any of that, and flat out asked him "Will you call me tonight?". I have never flat-out asked like that. I have had a talk with him a month ago about my wanting him to call me some but its just been a waiting game since then. I know that I could call him too, but I draw a line there. I will not add one more action to my list of things I am doing that he is not. It ended up being another restless night with bad dreams about him as usual. How long do I have to keep all this bottled up?

[Looking4One]

That's crazy, I have given my gf the benefit of the doubt due to the fact that she is having job problems as well. Although she was recently hired and I can tell shes a little bit happier. And to be honest, it did seem like things were picking up. I love this girl and what we had in the beginning has vanished. We have been dating for about 9 months and broke up once in between. But the last 6 months has been all me, putting in 150% every time. I am an OG romantic lol. I hold the door for her every chance that I get and I tell her how beautiful she is often. Not everyday, but often. I don't remember the last time we had sex or even kissed. She confronted to me about not having sex for a while and i understood her reasons. The reasons are pretty personally so I won't get into detail. Sex isn't the most important thing to me. As long as we continue to grow as a couple and grow emotionally, I'll be happy. Kissing is important to me though. I don't remember the last time we kissed. This bothers the hell out of me. After we broke up, we didn't talk for a month because she went on a trip abroad. And when she came back she came to me saying how she missed me and wanted to be with me. So eventually we started dating again. When I did try to kiss her again, she freaked out (in a humorous way) saying she was nervous. I texted her that night saying maybe she isn't ready to be with me and we should see other people. I told her that its me, kissing is nothing new, how can you be nervous?. She said its because she really likes me more this time. The next day, we went out and she asked me to be her bf. This was about 3 months ago. We still haven't kissed.

 

I didn't hear from her at all yesterday. She told me she was going to be with her family all day which i believe but she hardly texts me anymore. When we are together, she is on her phone majority of the time, talking to guys. I don't mind that she talks to guys but it sucks to know that she doesn't want to talk to me while we are a part. If i'm lucky, i'll get to see her once a week because thats what she told me, she wants to see me once a week, 2 at most.) She doesn't and will not consider the fact that being on the phone 99% on the time while she is with me is rude and will not change to better our relationship. This among many other things. She will not and has not compromised for me in a long time. I talked to her about this and she said this is the real her. When we did talk about our situation before, she says she cares, just because she isn't around doesn't mean she doesn't care. She doesn't show it neither. I still don't know what shes doing or what her game is.

 

Anyway, if your bf will not compromise for you and doesn't make an effort for you, call it what you want, but he is disrespecting you. Why? Because he does not care and does not show it. He is not trying to meet you half way. My friends are amazed that I have this much patience. But I'm about to blow up very soon. I know deep down this isn't right. I've made mistakes too while we've been together but my biggest mistake of all is probably giving too much in the beginning. I admit it. If we don't make it, this is a lesson of a lifetime.

 

So think about what you really want, is he worth it to stick around? And think about what's best for YOU. And that doesn't mean you're being selfish.

 

Oh and I didn't hear from her once during xmas. Except when I initiated the text around 12:30am to wish her a merry xmas. She replied pretty quick, but that was it. Nothing more.

[justaglimmer]

Looking4One, it sounds like your girlfriend has some really deep rooted issues. The fact that she wants you around on her terms, can't even kiss you, yet talks to other guys in your presence... that's pretty intense You are definitely beyond patient and most guys would probably not have stuck around as long for this girl. I guess people like you and I just hold out in hopes that something is going to magically change. Who are these guys she talks to? Are they coworkers or just friends? Either way its definitely disrespectful behavior, considering she only wants to spend one or 2 days a week with you. What are her reasons for that anyway? My boyfriend texts back and forth with his buddies sometimes in my presence, also checks his facebook on his phone throughout the day. That's annoying on its own. He's always up for seeing me unless he's got something else going on, but again, I am driving the long drive to him. Overall as long as I'm willing to make the drive to him, he's willing to have me there. But I do wonder how much I'd see him if I turned the tables and suddenly couldn't make it to his place for awhile. Then in the same respect I feel guilty for saying that because i know how hard he works throughout the week. But then I remind myself - I worked very hard too this semester and was exhausted many times but still made it to him.

 

Do you ever spend time around your girlfriend's family or vice versa? I'm sure it was disappointing to not spend the holiday with her. The bottom line is this - she said this is the "real her" which also means "I don't want to change." People rarely if ever change unless they actually want to. Also, there's always the saying "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them."

 

My boyfriend is a good guy, overall. I adore him and admire him for many reasons. He was a real gentleman too, in the beginning. Sometimes I wonder if the problem goes back to how soon we slept together. He still does sweet little things here and there, it could definitely be worse but like I said, something is definitely not right. All the problems i've mentioned so far is simply me trying to put together the puzzle. On one hand he seems grateful to have me, on the other hand he seems like he's in whole other world sometimes. Perhaps he's just simply not good at being my boyfriend. I hate to say it but I wonder sometimes if he's over his ex. He doesn't talk about her but there have been other things that have had me concerned about the possibility. Ugh, I just want to talk to him about it all and get it over with but there's never the right time.

[Looking4One]

She has never invited me to anything before. I have only met one of her close friends and thats because she lived an hour away at the time and i went to surprise her. But other than that, she's never personally invited me to meet her family. The guys that she talks to are friends that she's met through other friends that are either chasing her or she already had that "talk" with them. And she recently started talking to this other guy that she used to hook up with and just so happens, i know him. bs right? I'm not the jealous type but her talking to those guys shows how inconsiderate she is. I know she's not going to change and i don't want her to. But I do want her to make me some sort of priority. I know I will never be first in her life but right now i feel like i'm last.

 

I can see why hooking up with someone in the early stages would cause problems. Actually My gf and I started off as a one night stand. The biggest problem was that my roommate at the time liked her but she didn't like him back nor did she know and this was 7 years ago! He never told her. So we hooked up and i felt bad and told him the next day. He said it was cool. I know i made a wrong move but i was honest with him, i told him everything. Then me and her hooked up whenever we saw each other, then we started dating. And this was one of the reasons why she broke it off with me in the first place. So we started over. We started fresh. I've lost so many friends this year. Was it my fault? Yes and no. Was i honest? Yes i was. I guess to some people honesty isn't enough. I just got off the phone with someone and they are still giving me heat about how my gf and i got together.

 

I'm starting to really see what I have to do and I have to do it asap. The stress isn't worth it. Unless she starts showing me she cares. My gf knows i treat her damn good, she's admitted it to me before. But she's not making an effort anymore and its killing me. It sucks that the only person that can truly make you feel better is the one person that doesn't.

 

I hope your bf realizes how well you treat him and starts to make more of an effort. Every relationship should be equal. Each person should show how much they care for each other. The feeling should be reciprocated and shouldn't have to be told to. Its not rocket science.

 

I don't think there will be a right time to bring it up. Just trust yourself that you're doing the right thing.