THE AFFAIR...

[pineapplegirl]

I spent a long time on this. It started out as a response to a posting in the infidelity forum, but I want it to have a chance on the front line, so to speak. This forum is for us to learn from each other and hopefully have people benefit from our experiences. Well, this is mine. This is for any woman dating/contemplating dating/wanting to date etc. a married man (or a man in relationship)

 

> You are a convenience store for him, 7-11, Circle K etc. He calls you/goes to you/writes you when it is convenient for him. He goes to you when he needs something/wants something. Whether it be sex, fun, a compassionate ear, a warm young body, a shoulder to cry on... you are the convenient person to go to. And while having an affair is not convenient(that's what he'll say if you tell him you're tired of not being prioritized), you must accept that he will only go to you when it is appropriately timed for him.

 

> As for your convenience, it will no longer exist. You will spend nights alone, wait for his call, you will run to your computer every time you get home to see if he wrote to you. And as far as making plans with your friends and family, he will come first, regardless of what you think now...

 

> You will not see him on your birthday, his birthday, his wife's birthday, his kids' birthday(assuming he has kids), his kids' open house/back to school night, any major holidays, their anniversary, his mother or father in law's birthday or their anniversary, etc. (the list goes on and on)...

 

>In public, he will not hold your hand, allow you to take his arm, or display any type of affection that may be interpreted by anyone as anything other than platonic.

 

> If you call him, block your number, it may show up on your phone bill, but at least it won't show up on his, and if his wife has his phone and answers, then you can just hang up without evidence.

 

> Don't leave voicemails. The access codes are easy to get, and voicemail checked by wife=BUSTED.

 

>If he calls you, he should know that if he ever pursues a divorce and an extra-marital affair is ever in question, they will subpoena his phone records, and he will have to explain why he is calling you...

 

> You will never meet his family, friends, kids, co-workers(unless that is you work together, yikes, that's another story).

 

> You will never rank number one on his list of priorities. At best, you'll make it into the top 20, if you're lucky.

 

>If you do go out with him in public, bring your cell phone and enough cash to grab a taxi to take you home. Circumstance may arise that you have NO OTHER OPTION than to take a taxi, especially if you get busted.

 

> You will probably cry yourself to sleep missing the married man, all the while wondering if he is sleeping next to his wife.

 

> He will direct and control the relationship in every way shape and form. You will see him when he can see you, he will call you when he can call you, and when you want to see him or call him you'll be SOL.

 

> The chances of him getting a divorce FOR YOU are slim.

 

> The chances of him getting a divorce because he's unhappy enough to cheat, however, are good.

 

> He is having his cake and eating it too.

 

> You'll probably never see the inside of his house.

 

> Forget about going on vacation with him, either for the weekend to a destination close enough to drive (if it's that close he won't risk getting caught), and forget about a week long vacation to some tropical destination. Airline tickets are easily traceable, and it wouldn't take a genius to put 2+2 together.

 

>If he does get a divorce, you will (believe it or not) probably not be the first thing he runs to. He may keep you around, but don't think that just because he left HER, spot number automatically defaults to YOU.

 

> If you are hurt, (like in the hospital), he probably won't get to go to you.

 

> If he is hurt, you probably will want to go to him, but won't be able to...I mean, that's gonna be pretty uncomfortable to run into his wife in the waiting room...

 

*I am not casting stones... I am only providing feedback on what I KNOW AND WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH.

 

*I am NOT advocating any type of extra marital affair, I'm simply offering the wisdom of my experience. I know that infidelity is wrong all the way around.

 

*To this day, I still go through it on a certain level...Take what you will from my advice. No one could have told me to not keep seeing my guy. I have been seeing him for close to 3 and 1/2 years now, and it does not get easier. Although I have started to walk, ever so slowly, away after realizing that it is probably not worth it.

 

*I have really gone through hell and back with this. I have sat on New Years' Eve cleaning my bathroom, I have spent birthdays alone because I told my family that I was "going out with friends"all under the impression that I'd spend those days with him...but then his plans changed.

 

*You will do what you will... No one can stop you, even though everyone seems to think they have the right to judge you. Just know, that you may reach a point that you may become ashamed of what you are doing.

 

*You will have to look at yourself in the mirror regardless of what happens with him.

 

*I find it nearly impossible right now to really trust any man that I meet because I got so screwed up in the relationship with the married guy.

 

*If I could go back and change it, I probably wouldn't. (Yes, readers go ahead and lash out at me for that).

 

*I DO wish I had not bailed out on MY family gatherings/get togethers/dinners etc. I missed out on a lot, and my family will never have any idea why.

 

In any event, good luck to you if you pursue this with him, you'll need it more than you know.

[sageblue]

I employed a girl who has everything but her boyfriend/dream man left her after 3 years. She then had an affair with one of her friends fiances for a year, he wouldnt leave her. She then spiraled down hill from there. She ended up doing strip shows and then I met her, had a very brief fling, found out her history, felt like a Daddy and rescued her.

 

With all the people she knows, I am the ONLY person in the World who knows all of this. So, she got a boyfriend, but broke it off, why? I think she likes strong men, father figure types and he was a boy.

 

So, she sits opposite me, informs me of her dream man...who, by the way, is almost ME TO A TEA. Then, later, starts to tell me how I should probably leave my wife because she is a bit cold and distant and doesn't make me happy.

 

So, here I am, thinking, I dont want to hurt my wife and kids but I am pettrified about WHO this girl will hook up with next. I love this girl, I don't know why..I just do. I have a wife and kids, I never made a move once she was working for me, and she would never make the first move. It seems obvious to me however that she wants me to.

 

I would never judge you, I am so confused with what to do I can understand your position. Good luck to you, I hope something works well for you. Just dont count on him.

 

Now, quid pro quo, advice for me my dear lady?

[pineapplegirl]

**Thanks for the response sage blue. Now, for your dilemma:

 

felt like a Daddy and rescued her.

I think she likes strong men, father figure types and he was a boy.

 

>You answered a little bit of your own question right there Sage. This woman sounds to be quite broken winged. You may want to ask yourself if you rescued her simply because she needed to be rescued, or because you were able to be someone's hero, in a way that maybe you can't in your marriage. Moving on,

 

So, here I am, thinking, I dont want to hurt my wife and kids but I am pettrified about WHO this girl will hook up with next.

 

>Again, why are you so concerned about this girl? Is she that helpless and you are so strong that it was just meant to be??? Or, does she provide a certain quality, say vulnerability, that your wife does not have? Men like to feel needed, I know that much. Do you want to love this girl or just be her Superman?

 

 

starts to tell me how I should probably leave my wife because she is a bit cold and distant and doesn't make me happy.

 

>Okay, touchy situation. In my relationship, I never told him to get a divorce, but I certainly never discouraged it either. The fact that this girl is making commentary on the personality of your wife indicates to me that you have discussed, at least in some detail, you marriage and unhappiness in the marriage. This girl may represent a certain aspect that you have absent in your marriage. It sounds like you want her to need you and she really does need you. Will that novelty wear off though? I mean really, if she should get thrown in jail, hypothetically speaking, then what? Jump in the jail cell with her? I don't mean to sound like a smart ass, but the extremes of situations sometimes make the decision for you...

 

>As far as your wife and kids, my parents got divorced when I was a teenager. My father had cheated on my Mom years before they actually got a divorce though. In retrospect, I would have rather had them get divorced instead of him cheating on my mom. I think knowing that he cheated on my Mom, really screwed me up as an adult.

 

>Back to the girl, it sounds to me like she needs a man who will come to her rescue-YOU, and it sounds to me like you want a woman who shows you that she needs you more and shows some interest in what you say-HER.

 

**I hope this helps some. Feel free to respond and I'll try to wrack my brain for more answers-for both of us really.

[sageblue]

You provide something he needs but the pain of hurting his family is a shocking thought. A scene of emotion that send shivers down my spine. He may even love you more than her, but he owes her more. He signed up, how can he break that?

 

I really feel for you but I think it is doomed.

 

I would never hurt this girl, I will either do nothing or I would leave my wife. I dont want her to hurt anymore, when she cries, somethig inside me dies. I just sit and wantch because, as she says, I would only make it worse.

 

She says that other people make her angry whereas I would simply make her cry, I could hurt her. What does that mean?

[sageblue]

If he was given the option, YOU or HIS WIFE, which would he choose? He is obviously fairly comfortable where he is right now. Do you want/deserve more? Have you thought of seeing exactly where you do stand? I know your initial post touches on this but are you happy?

 

It was so refreshing to read your post, it gave me insight into the other side and somehow eased my own pain somewhat. I have no idea what you look like, but your writing and your thoughts seem to indicate that perhaps you simply deserve more. Are you happy at all?

[ayekasong]

pineapple, I appreciate the wisdom you share on your experience. I have never considered getting involved with a married man, but it is quite interesting to see the other side of the story and what one might be going through if they do this. As in real life I have to give a lot of advice to a lot of people, I appreciate your post.

[pineapplegirl]

Ayeka: I'm glad you liked it. And thanks for reading my post.

 

Sage: You touched on a couple of issues,

 

If he was given the option, YOU or HIS WIFE, which would he choose?

 

>I think the best answer is none of the above...He has filed for divorce, and is in the middle of proceedings now. But, I know that he really did it for himself. Becuase he knew she wasn't making him happy, and he knows I might...but has not made any promises to me.

 

Do you want/deserve more? Have you thought of seeing exactly where you do stand?

 

>I think I have given so much to him, and been understanding of the situation, that I truly do think I deserve more. As far as seeing where I stand, I know that after the divorce, I don't want him to feel pressured or obligated to seek me out as his new wife or g/f or anything. It will take some time for him to grieve the divorce and heal from it, and I wouldn't want him to be mine until he's sure that he can be in a real relationship.

 

Are you happy at all?

 

>I'm happier now that I've began to reclaim my life, and my time without always deciding what to do AFTER he tells me what his plans are. We still talk, but have not been intimate in months. It's a hard habit to break, loving someone...

 

I would never hurt this girl, I will either do nothing or I would leave my wife. I dont want her to hurt anymore, when she cries, somethig inside me dies. I just sit and wantch because, as she says, I would only make it worse.

 

She says that other people make her angry whereas I would simply make her cry, I could hurt her. What does that mean?

 

>It must be hard to sit and watch her cry, or even hear her cry on the phone. And if she says that "you" make it "worse", it's probably because when the night is through, and all is said and done, you go home to your wife and she goes home to nobody...an empty bed where she cries even more and harder than ever. As far as she saying you could hurt her...she wants you to know that her defenses are up with everyone-anger is an easy defense mechanism, but for you she has let you see and experience a part of her that she doesn't let a lot of people see.

 

**Hope I was able to help. Continue to ask me questions if needed Sage, it helps me open my eyes wider too.

[eltee]

hey pineapple girl,

your posting was very very interesting, raw and true. overall, you nailed it. bottom line, an affair is about lies... lies get you nowhere. it can be a hard habit to break... esp with men, because they tend not to like confrontation with women they care about.

ive been involved with a MM.. but it was very brief, but nonetheless, very very intense. i walked away rather quickly because it hurt too much and i saw nothing good and true in it if we were to continue. we had legitimate strong feelings for eachother, and my desire to be with him was insanely huge.. BUT i said my goodbye and told him to do what he needed to do... and now, everyday gets easier for me to let go. my heart will always remember, but my day to day pain is slowly disappearing.

no one is prepared or WANTS to get involved with an unavailable man. timing sucks..but stuff happens for a reason. its how we handle it that makes us who we are. I wouldnt expect you to say if you could go back, you would change it. I wouldnt either... it makes us who we are. we learn so much from it. In 10 years, we might be an incredible person from all this. old soul as they might call it.

 

but bottom line, love is a powerful thing. its hard to let it go.

you're doing great... just remember what you're worth. dont settle and put yourself in a place where you forget everything you stand for as a woman.

 

if you ever want to vent, write me (personal message). I'm always down for communication. I tend to write my thoughts out because it relieves the pain.

[pineapplegirl]

no one is prepared or WANTS to get involved with an unavailable man

 

>Thanks eltee. Judgements on women that are "mistresses" are really easy to make. And so is saying, "I would never get involved with someone that is already married/in a relationship". You are exactly right in your above quote. But, I think sometimes people forget how strong the heart really is. And, how more often than not, it is stronger than the mind. That's why people ask if you know things "by heart"(ie a phone number memorized by heart), and not if you know things "by mind". Anyone that thinks for one second that I opted to be in this relationship has no idea what it feels like. I would never have CHOSEN to feel the way I do about this man. The trade off of pain is simply not worth it, and anyone who thinks that b/c I fell in love with this man that I "deserve" the pain has never walked a day in my shoes...and it sounds like they've never walked a day in yours either. We both deserve more... Take care of you and PM me if you need to vent too...

[pineapplegirl]

>Hey all:

 

Just wanted to express my thanks and appreciation to everyone who read my post. It's NOT something I'm proud of, but it is something I learned from, and I hope some of you did too...

aloha