Need some advice plz..

[Sizz813]

Note: Very long post, but please read it and let me know what you think

 

Hi I have been reading alot of these posts on age-gap relationships and I have gotten alot of good advice. I know that there are many different factors that need to be taken into account if you wanted to guess on how a relationship would turn out (there are so many that I won't list them). Here's my question..

 

I know this friend of mine who is dating a much older man. She is 24 and he is 47. When she started dating him she was still living at home with her parents, hadn't finished any schooling besides high school (but I believe she wants to finish college), had a low paying job, and not much money saved up. Now he had recently gotten a divorce after I think 20 years of marraige, has 2 kids 22 and 20, had a modest home and makes decent money I guess (I'm guessing somewhere in the 50k-70k range, which I think is pretty low for someone who is almost 50, but please don't flame me, just my own opinion, I make about 80k btw)

 

I really love her to death and I know that she has been hurt in the past by dead end relationships and I don't want to see her get hurt again. I am opposed to this relationship because I don't think anything good will come of it for her. And the reason that I believe so is that I think that they are on two total different mental levels. I know that she wants to settle down eventually and get married and have a family. He obviously has already gone down that route. And even though they could in theory start another family, I believe that is a very highly unlikely situation considering his current family and age.

 

Also, just my own personal opinion, I don't think that you can really be on the same wavelength with someone that much older than you. I know people that are 5 years older/younger and they don't cherish the same things and memories that I did growing up, and thats just with a 5 year difference. I can't imagine what a 10 year, 15 year, 20 year, yet alone a 23 year difference would bring.

 

The terms that I think of it in is that when she was born he was already 23, probably graduated school and was starting his life and exploring. When he was 30 he had already been married for 3 years, had 2 kids and she was only in the 1st grade! His memories from his youth were from the 60's-70's and hers were from the late 90's - Present.

 

I don't know this for sure, but I think that his life plans don't include starting a new family up, but I know for a fact that she wants to one day. I think that she is setting herself up for disaster, because she is really falling for this guy and I would hate to see her get heart broken.

 

Also how much can you really share with someone who is that much older? Here is my philosophy on age-gap relationships. I think that they can work for the various reasons that have been listed throughout this forum. If you think alike, have the same life goals, are dedicated to one another and making the relationship work, have the same interests and hobbies, etc..etc..etc... than it is possible that is can work.

 

But heres the kicker to that whole thing. I think that relationships where the two are older, for example 35 and 50, 40 and 60, 50 and 70, etc.. have a much higher chance of success than a young 20 yr old and someone in their late 40's and this is why: From what I believe, the social revolution started in the mid 60's. Life began changing very drastically from what the American people knew of. Television, movies, music, education, everything started to change. Segregation was banned, wars were now considered bad instead of heroric, womens/minority rights came about, I mean the list goes on and on. I think that for someone who was born before this or grew up while this was going on/recent, would have a totally different outlook on life in general than someone who grew up in the 90's - present times. I mean the whole world is a 180 degrees from what it was back 40 years ago. And that is my point. For a couple that grew up in the 50's, 60's and even some of the 70's, they could relate to each other much better than someone who grew up in the 90's - 00's. I know that is isn't always the case and that their are always exceptions to the rule, but more than likely not. I think that the novelty would wear pretty quickly for these two and that they will both end up being unhappy because of it, her more so than him, because I believe that he has a much more stronger foundation on relationships to bare the brunt of the pain.

 

Here is my reason why I think that she is dating him and moving everything along so fast: I think that she is subconsciencely seeing him as a way out of her family home, because I know that it has been really bad lately. Also her relationship with her father has always been stagnant at best, and the age differences between her father, 53, and him, 47, is close enough that she can superimpose a father type role onto him. She wants to be taken care of and not have to worry about financials (obvious due to that fact that she quit her job when she had no money, lots of bills, and moved in with him right after.) I mean she has been dating him for a couple of months and has already moved in with him, quit her job, doesn't go to school, and just stays home all day.

 

Maybe thats the type of life that she wants to lead, but let me tell you something. If he is only making about 50k-70k, this is what I guesstimated after talking with her and finding out what he does for a living, and has alimony to pay, not so much child support, but I believe he still supports them, mortgage, etc.. how much can he take care of her? Not only does he not make enough money to support everyone, but I think that he would get pretty sick of it after a while if he is paying for all of her stuff and she is doing nothing. Maybe in the beginning it wouldn't, new love and all, but eventually it will reach a boiling point.

 

Also I can't see how her parents/family/friends would approve of this. I know that it shouldn't matter if you are really in love and that they should be supportive of her, but when the gap is so wide apart, friction will have to occur. I didn't bother asking her what her parents thought of the whole situation because 1.) I don't think that she has told them 2.) In the event that she has, I already know what their reaction would be. Now if #1 is the case, and she is scared/nervous to tell them, then the ship has already left to docks to the big iceberg in the sea of relationships. Also I don't think that any of her friends would approve and that's why she has been shutting us out so much lately from her.

 

More so, I think that it is more than likely a physical attraction that he has to her, nothing much more than that. I mean animal instincts account for alot, and males want the female that is young and females want the males in posistions of power and pretige. And that will probably wear thin after a while too.

 

So what do you think of this all? I am sure that I have left out some kind of important part, so feel free to ask any questions that you have. Anyone whos agrees/disagrees, please feel free to drop a word and let me know what you thiknk

[angel607]

I think you need to sit back and IF this is a mistake, let her learn for herself. It's not your life to live, and you can't protect her all the time.

 

As far as I can see, money seems to be a big deal. What happened to women supporting themselves? Why must she need someone with money? It's really not a big deal.

 

The age gap may proove to much- you cannot possibly say. There must he some type of attraction and connection there! Leave the judgements behind and support your friend in her choices- you risk pushing her away otherwise.

[Amethyst]

I think you need to sit back and IF this is a mistake, let her learn for herself. It's not your life to live, and you can't protect her all the time.

 

I SO agree with angel!

 

Sizz, the whole time I was reading your post, I was thinking "so why is this any of *his* business?".

 

Truthfully, I think you need to re-examine your feelings here. It's fine to be a little concerned, but you seem to be going overboard. In fact, you sound almost like a jealous boyfriend! You're *obsessing* over her relationship and why it "just can't" work out!

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but you're her friend. Period. You have absolutely NO say in who she dates. If it's a mistake, it's her mistake to make. You may not like the guy (or the relationship she has with him) but *she* obviously does, and *her* opinion is the only one that matters.