Im New Here..And Need Some Support

[diamondangel777]

Hi..I just recently found this site and i love it already. i have been in a 17 month relationship with my boyfriend Mike. We just recently broke up (last sunday). I have put up with a lot of things from him. He is a 'recovering' alcoholic/drug addict that still tends to relaps every now and then, and not to mention he has an uncontrolable temper, to the point where i have been scared to death. i've been looking up websites lately on verbal abuse and emotional abuse, thats actually how i found this. i finally see the red flags,and the signs that i missed for so long.

In the beginning he was wonderful, super nice and actually respectful, but as our relationship went on, he began to become more controling, to the point where he hated my bestfriend because she stuck up for me one day and said something to him he didnt agree with. 17 months later and he is still holding that against me. he also tries to control me with my family, saying that they baby me and dont allow me to grow, and he uses the words hes learned in AA and his couceling towards me like Enabling and whatnot. i dont feel that they are enabling me, i just dont think that Mike can completely understand the difference between caring and completely trying to take over someones life. I had to come to the point where i would have to lie to him to be able to see my friends or even hang out with my family.

I know many of you are probably thinking.."Hello" are you crazy for still staying?! I seriously believed at the time that i was doing something wrong...and i would feel bad after for 'being mean' even though he would be 20x worse.

And then there is the verbal abuse that has been happening too frequently. In the beginning i was beautiful and wonderful and every good thing my 'prince charming' would say would make me melt...but then it changed i cant remember when but one day it was different. now im a F-ING A**HOLE a C*NT every name in the book. for the littlest reasons for him being angry at me i get called these things...

and unfortuanlly there is the physical abuse. that was a major RED FLAG but obviously i thought it would be better the next time, that i could help him or "save him" or whatever, the first time we were arguing and he hit me in the facing leaving an ugly red mark that i had to lie about, and a bruse on my arm that was huge, then there was the time that he pushed me and i sprained my elbow...but for some reason it was my fault so he says because i ripped his pants trying to get MY keys back that HE Stole from me because i wanted to leave. the last time was because i had family plans that interrupted with his and he was mad i didnt tell him before...a big blow out in the yard and there was pushing and yelling and he tried to get me into my car and drive away, but somehow that didnt happen...eventually the cops were called, and when they showed up he was nice..."Olivia i love you...im so sorry it wont happen again i promise" and stupid me i knew he was lying but so wanted to believe it...right after the cops left we went for a drive and he started on me again..."You know Liv this is all you're fault"...is what he kept saying to me...im like you wouldnt let me leave just kept taking my stuff that you knew i needed to just go home..

It has happened so much, that i am just tired of it. i want to be able to have a life a happy and fun one, my childhood wasn't normal this is what my parents did..they fought all the time...and i walked right into the same thing...but im trying to break this ugly cycle. For a long time i couldn't see the control or the manipulation...before him i didnt even know what the word ment but now...thats all i see. im only 21 and so is he...i dont want to rush into things so fast...i do a lot of things, and it seems that hes trying to take that away from me..so he can feel better about himself.

He called last night, and at first was wonderful...but then it changed when he asked me why i didnt call him when he got home from work...im like we are not together anymore...i have no reason to call you...and then the yelling started....my mother came upstairs and heard him yelling on the phone with me...shes asked if he always talks to me like that...im like yeah most of the time....everytime i do something that goes against him. basically he just went on to say that...i am giving up on him and the relationship and that he has given so much towards the relationship and i just sit back and not care. which is true now..but in the beginning i sacaficed a lot...more then he realizes i think. and i was just saying its not working...you cant force someone to feel someway if they dont feel it anymore...i went on to tell him that i have seen things and been through things that i never imagined in my life...and it has completely changed me. after awhile he finally calling me a F-ING B*TCH which i knew was coming and i hung up on him...he tried calling back but i didnt answer and he didnt leave a message. i haven't spoke to him or seen him today which is good...

Im sorry this is long, but i didnt want to leave anything out. i wanted to share my story, just basically to vent. and maybe to help someone realize that the name calling and yelling and intimidating are signs of abuse so maybe they can get out before it gets worse...

Thanks again...

LIV

[crookster_man]

Very ture, I'm glad you were able to recogonize the red flags diamond angel. Most people in abusive relationships fail to see or choose to ignore them. You are an inspiration to everyone battling this. I'm proud of you. I hope your insights will help others. Thankyou for sharing your story. And please share your wisdom with other memebers of Enotalone.

[diamondangel777]

Thank you crookster...that really means a lot. Right now its okay for me because i am so angry at him, that its easy not to care...but i know that things have to get worse before they can get better...so when the time comes when i start to miss him and stuff is really the time when i need to reach out to good and understand people...like friends and family and even you people here...because from what i can see...you are all very supportive.

 

It was so nice today...i just hung out with my family and even went and saw my best friend...and i didnt worry about being home a certain time or that Mike would be mad at me because i wasn't home when he called. i realize that i have to be ready when he does try to come back, because im positive that it is not over yet. he is not good at letting things go, obviously...so its going to be awhile for him to fully understand that its over...and i need and WANT a new and BETTER life...

 

The sad thing is...at some points i begin to feel sorry for him, like i just wish he could experience full happiness...but i know now that happiness needs to come from within and its not something that someone can actually give you...because if you hate yourself....no matter what people do for you...you will never be truly happy.

 

It sounds weird...but im trying to look at the bright side of the whole situation...maybe it all happened for a reason, i mean the abuse and everything was completely wrong...but i just feel that it helped me realize that i can't 'save' someone...or change them really....i tried to but in the end...i was the one who changed...the one who grew...and he is still the same person....and the image of the "prince charming" that i once saw was just an illusion.

 

I don't hate him....i just hate the things that he has done...the fact that he can't take responsibilities for his own actions..and he doesn't realize that his actions effect everyone around him....his family my family and friends..etc. it was all a learning experience for me...and im happy for the good times i did share with him...but in the end it just wasn't meant to be...because the bad times and the fighting shouldnt out number the good times.

 

i just need to remember to stay strong these next few weeks...and maybe by then he will get the point. i just dont want to fight anymore..and i know that will happen if i see him or even talk to him...there is no reasoning its just black and white for him no gray...and i want my life back....i want to be the happy Olivia that i once was..and i know in time i will be that girl again....

 

I hope my story has helped....and if you have any questions or anything about how i finally saw the signs and realized this wasn't right for me...please ask...i hope i can at least help some see the things i didnt see at first...

 

Thanks again...

Liv

[darkwolfdragon666]

i was in a very similar situation. i after my ex tried to kill me a few times i brought him to my therapist with me and told her about it. he "was only joking". i, too, had to lie to him to see my frineds; 'oh i can't see you until 3, i'm at extra help' and stuff like that until one day he had the nerve to call my school and find out where i was. i was all of the red flags but said nothing because i wanted to 'save him'. the ight i met him he had planned on killing himself. he told me a week after we started dating. just realize that in an abusive relation, the only one you can help is yourself. be completely honest, set your boundries, and assert yourself when those boundries are crossed.