This is a rant...but also poses questions

[Goddess4ever]

It's all about personality. It's all about confidence. It is all about self-esteem. It is all about how you carry yourself. It is about your mind, your sense of humor, your openness. These are all the things that I hear about, regarding attraction. Oh, and physical attraction only plays a small part...INITIALLY, in the beginning. I just wish everyone would just cut the "facade"...and get to the real meaning. Do we all say this so no one thinks that they are bad people? We don't want to be persecuted for being shallow and judgemental. I am really tired with dealing with people that are hypocrites. "A person who professes beliefs and opinions that he does not hold"...is a hyprocrite. I am tired of being told that it is all about what is on the inside....because in my mind, right now, that something that simply isn't true. I have been reading and posting in these forums for months...and inevitably someone usually comes along and posts....I find this attractive, and that attractive....but no fat chicks.

 

I suppose I should explain my situation. I decided to give "online dating" a try...just for curiosity sake...and to see if people are really as shallow as they pretend NOT to be. So I have been talking to this man for 2 weeks, both online and on the phone. He has M.S (which didn't bother me in the slightest), and another condition from a fall he had taken 2 years prior. He also has been on a weightloss program for a few months...and has lost about 30 pounds. Personally, I like stockier guys, but whatever. Anyways, I knew that he liked me...we flirted all the time, and talked about "real life" issues. About family, relationships, friends, etc. I also asked him if other women freaked out when he told them about his MS. He said yes, they freak and run the other way pretty much.

 

He told me that he found it rare to talk to someone as open as me, as well as other compliments, and yesterday, pretty much asked me (in a round about way), getting together to watch a movie. Here is the CLINCHER...I hadn't sent him my picture yet...as I hinted about sending it before..but he never asked for it. I asked him before about what he was "looking for" in terms of looks...and he was always vague, and talked about "natural beauty". So I sent the file over with my picture.

 

I realized a bit later that after recieving my pic, that he had gone and changed his profile. Under the section about "my date" (what he was looking for)...under the section of body type...he had said "Slender, average, athletic and toned, and a few extra pounds"....it NOW reads "Slender, Average, and athletic and toned". He took out the part about "a few extra pounds" after receiving my picture!!!! I totally hooked him on my personality alone...but in the end it didn't matter.

 

Yes, I am overweight...and NO I do not have ANY health concerns. No problems with the heart, cholestorol, blood pressure, nothing! I didn't lie on my profile. I have lost 30 pounds in the last 3 months....but it doesn't really matter. Some of you may wonder why I feel it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I am still in the middle of the process...it doesn't matter because I still get viewed and judged as being lazy, stupid, and that I don't care about my body. Thin people are not the only "healthy" people on the planet.

 

I just had some guy, who professes to be non-judgemental and accepting, judge me. But the irony of the situation is he was/is going through the same process of losing weight. And obviously he demands acceptance with his MS...but cannot offer the same in return. I know some of the things that some people might say....and this is my responce:

 

1)He is just some shallow guy...better to know now than later

 

-It isn't just him, and although I am not saying everyone is shallow, I get treated like a leper. I am overweight, but I am not obese, and I am not hideous, and I do take care of myself.

 

2)You have to want to lose weight for you, and not some guy....overweight people are unhealthy, go to the gym

 

-I am losing weight right now...It is a process, not an overnight thing. At the same time, I am conforming to what everyone thinks I should be, simply because I am judged and considered unworthy due to weight. I don't think people need to be thin to be happy

 

3)Some people are just attracted to thinner girls

 

-At the risk of personality? (this is not to say thin ppl don't have personalities) but the question is WHY they are attracted to thin girls. I have never heard anyone say..."wow, they are super great...but ewww, they have green eyes...I can't date someone with green eyes"..so why do we do that with weight? Perhaps, if the media and other venues of information showed more VARIATION with ideas of beauty, no one would be so rigid. Perhaps people should just start saying I am looking for "x, y, z...but only in someone thin"

 

 

I think I am going to email him, just to express that I have a problem with people who are hypocrites. I just think it was so rude, and yes it hurts. Sorry for the huge rant...but I am just so tired of people judging me. People tell you to have confidence...but that is really hard to do when the world sees you as unattractive because you are not thin.

[GrayBlueEyes]

I can understand your being hurt by this man's actions, but why do you identify so much with your weight? Even if you were at your ideal weight, that's no guarantee that you'll be more accepted or happy or find love. You should work on other parts of yourself while in the weight loss process and stop focusing so much on how you look.

 

Oh and just for the record, I'm overweight, too. I'm not some thin chick who's patronizing you.

[Goddess4ever]

Why do I identify so much with my weight....very good question. Well...this is the rundown:

 

1)You have such a pretty face, if only......

 

2)You are so smart if only.....

 

3)You have such a great sense of humor, if only.....

 

There is a focus here because that is what everyone focuses on! Sounds circular, I know. Most of the time, I don't have a defeatest attitiude...so I don't walk around going "OMG I am huge"...rarely do I think that. I think it is hard for me when people dismiss me based on one thing. It is hard to feel validated sometimes. I can understand if someone didn't want to be around me because I had a nasty attitude, or was rude, or hurtful to other people. But to be disregarded for that is hard.

 

Also, I talked to him for awhile (like 4-8 hours a day)...I was myself. I should also add, this is not the first time something like this has happened.

[stolenshadow]

Hello Goddess4ever, in my opinion it has nothing to do with your weight, it has everything to do with this eternal denial many people like to live in.

They are great, want to chat for ages then you send a photo and because you don't look EXACTLY like their favourite movie star they run and always manage to look stupid while doing so.

But it could have been your hair, your eyes, your height, a wrinkle, believe me, it's not YOU.

 

Don't contact him, he knows he's an hypocrite, let's see how lucky he is at finding true love that way.

And try not to believe what others can say about weight, for many it's not an issue but they just go with the flow, in reality most people don't care about that.

[Goddess4ever]

Stolenshadow...thank you for your reply. At one point, I could honestly believe it may have been my hair, or my height or something else. I think that thing that makes it so poinant for me, is that he changed his profile about 10 minutes after receiving my photo....and changed it to NOT include "a few extra pounds". I would have left it...but he changed his profile. I find it extremely ironic, that someone who isn't perfect could demand perfection.

[stolenshadow]

Hi again Goddess4ever, well, I think it was a coincidence.

Believe me, it could have easily been a new profile saying "Looking4Redhead" or something like that, so I insist you shouldn't take it personally, people with low self esteem think they can use others, they don't date humans, just appearances.

You might keep finding people like him, but out of hundreds you'll find a good honest person .

[corvidae]

You sound very upset. I'm not really sure what to say, but this is something I've thought about before, so maybe my point of view might be of interest. Personally I think that people who say looks aren't important are lying. I think people say things like that because they do believe it when they say it and because they feel shallow if they admit looks are important. But looks are important. Now before you say I'm shallow, I'd like to point out that althought I'm 25 I've never had a girlfriend, and although I'm a nice person, it basically comes down to me not being attractive. At school girls used to call me ugly, and even in later life some women have said that. But the thing is, looks should be important. I mean, physical attraction shouldn't be the be all and end all, but it is a factor. I'm not referring to some standardised form of beauty here, I just mean that you should find the person your with attractive. Some people like skinny people, some like them fat. If someone was attracted to people with a few extra pounds no one would call them shallow, but why? They are just responding to what they find attractive as someone who liked thinner people is responding to what they find attractive. I remember a girl once being sort of angry with a guy she fancied because he didn't like her. She had issues with her looks so she would say to him "Oh fine, go and get a supermodel then." But that wasn't the point. The point was he didn't find her attractive...it didn't mean he only wanted supermodels, it just meant he wanted someone he found attractive. Maybe that person would be a little overweight, or a little under, or a little short or whatever...the important thing is that you find them attractive. I don't know. But I don't think you can be angry at someone for not finding you attractive. There's lots of girls I've got along with only to be later rejected. Getting enraged doesn't make things better, and they weren't bad people. They just feel they need something...

[Goddess4ever]

Corvidae,

 

I really appreciate your post! I do not think that you are shallow at all. I completely understand that their has to be an attraction...in fact I completely agree with it. I don't think it is shallow to have to be attracted to someone to date them....the difference lies within what you find attractive. What I mean by this is...if you ONLY find people that look a certain way (let's say a runway model...since you used the example) and refuse to see anything else. For example, I PREFER men with dark hair, but that does not mean a blonde man will never turn my head. I PREFER men that are tall...but I have been attracted to many short men too. I WISH I thought that it was merely a coincidence that he changed ONE thing in his profile...but I don't think it is a coincidence. His profile didn't change in the 2 weeks we were talking, then suddenly changes it 10 minutes after receiving my photo?

 

There have also been many times, that I have met someone, who I considered "okay looking". But after talking to them for 10 minutes, I am drooling over them. Their personality makes them super attractive. The sore point for me right now, is he practically asked me on a date, in my personality alone. He liked me, was dying to meet me, and found me incredibly attractive...before the picture. To be honest, I really don't photograph well. I do not think that I am ugly at all. Nobody has ever told me that I was ugly or unattractive. HOWEVER, people have told me that I could be more attractive if I lost weight...which is what is happening now.

 

Yes, I do resent the way he acted. He claimed to be all accepting and nonjudgemental. He claimed to have the opinion that looks are only such a small thing. When I asked him several times what he was looking for, he was extremely vague. If he wanted a certain look, then he should have just said it at that time (like 2 days in)..and if it didn't fit me, I would have said "bye". I think the thing also...is after I sent them, he hasn't talked to me at all.....and he claimed he was so HONEST.