Internet obsession...Ex's and more....

[cleverme123]

I have been with someone for about a year. We met while I was still married, but I moved in when my husband had me evicted from my house. With that being said here is the situation...

 

He has been married twice before, neither one of them has anything remotely close to a brain in their head. The first is obsessed with being number one...she was the first wife, has his first kids...blah blah blah. It's annoying. She said she has nothing or no intention of ever letting her kids around me and doesn't want them to know me because I am a child. My fiance is 11 years older as is she. Well that part is fine she lives far away so if I don't have to deal with her I would rather not.

 

The second wife abandon her kid, which I stay at home with all the kids. She rarely calls hasn't seen him in 2 + years. So I am raising him pretty much. She had a way with the net and got wisk away to some where pretty far away too. She met these men on the net and kept running not thinking about any one she left behind. In a conversation with her she told me it was all him, he had the problems...but I found out a lot was a lie.

 

With that being said here is the problem, first of all, he has relationships with an ex girlfriend and a the first wife is his vent. His first wife proclaims she hates him and could care less about his happiness but when it comes to problems, he will tell her all. It drives me nuts. The ex, I thought I got rid of that problem, then her boyfriend tells me there is emails and what not being sent regularly, some I have seen asking about things in her life and some that I haven't. He told me it never happened, but I saw some of them and know it did! Then the adult sites. Hundreds and hundreds of them, yahoo groups, msn groups, pictures that are nasty and a whole lot of other stuff. Some of it makes me upset and I even got to the point I can deal with him looking if he must...BUT...at what point is it obsessive or dangerous. He works 2 jobs, his one he is fairly flexible, and his other he comes home late quite a bit. Is there reason to be concerned or is it really just being nice to the ex's and needs eye candy? And I questioned it in the beginning he was lying all the time and then came out and told me the reasons why...it made sense but I am really insecure. I don;t understand the need to look when I am here always waiting for him, I am also pregnant with his baby. Any advice?

[Scout]

My goodness, there are a lot of people in this picture! Exes and kids galore. Well, in some cases, the more the merrier, but definitely not in this one.

 

First, I commend you for taking care of another woman's child. I know that's not easy, especially when you are pregnant yourself. You must be exhausted.

 

That being said, I am not going to make judgements on leaving your husband for another man, but I will say you made a conscious choice to leave him for someone with numerous entanglements, so you must make the best of your situation.

 

Have you and your boyfriend thought of couples and family counseling? It sounds like you need it. There are too many other people involved here, and you're right smack in the middle. Best learn how to deal with it as positively as possible, so I strongly encourage counseling from a professional and soon.

 

EDIT: And at counseling, you can bring up the Internet porn issue.

[Vanilla]

I definitely agree with scout. try counseling. try talking to him. and about the adult sites...some are normal. I found some on my boyfriends computer last month. I don't accept it, but I knew it was nothing out of the ordinary. So i talked to him and I told him I did not like it at all and it made me feel bad. Since then his laptop is clean, and usually is dusting in his closet. He never had one porn magazine or one movie. Now if I had found....umm...HUNDREDS? I'd be pretty freaked out. Hundreds is not normal. You should check how often he looks at it and for how long. When I checked my boyfriends comp it showed about once a week or once every two weeks and there were about 15-20 sites, at first it seemed a lot to me but when I opened one to see what it was another 3 popped out. So go figure.

 

I say talk to him. Let him know what hurts you, what your needs are. Try to reach a compromise wether it be counseling or re-directing his porn habbits and how his relationship is with his ex's. However, I think counseling in this case would probably be the best solution. I hope things get better. Good luck and keep us posted.

[cleverme123]

The answer to counseling was no. I talked to the first wife, she has no intention of ever coming back. I talked to the second wife. She is a huge ball of emotions and lies, she has no intention of ever showing up again. The porn still continues. I found more groups he joined. Ugh! And talking to him on any of these topics is a huge no no. he blows up, gets really outrageously mad and then makes it into some problem with me. The end usually goes if you can't deal with it leave.

[Vanilla]

well there can't be much to solve if he isnt even willing to talk about it and less go to counseling. I am concerned that you are going to repress your emotions and hurt so he wont become angry. This will just cause even more intense build up for you until you will explode with all these emotions. Thats never good. I can understand how it may be uncomfortable for him to discuss his porn habits with you. No man ever wants to do that with their partner unless theyve been sharing the porn from the beginning. If he is looking at hundreds of them and signing up with more groups, do you think he may have an addiction? How is your sex life? How many hours does he spend looking at this? This can be very serious. Im really sorry. I would have hoped he'd go for the counseling. I say you think about really well where you think your relationship is headed and what you want out of it.

 

good luck

[OceanEyes]

Scout is right: there are so many people in the picture that it must be almost impossible to just have a healthy relationship without factoring other people into the picture, always having someone else to consider, children, etc. I thought my life was complicated!

 

The porn alone would be enough for me to say, "ok, I don't know if you're *the one*". I really don't have a problem with porn, never have actually, but hundreds of sites? And you've said that they keep adding up every day? It sounds like this guy spends more time searching for porn than he does actually having a sexual relationship with you. Enjoying porn occasionally is one thing - hundreds of sites is borderline obsessed pervert.

 

You must feel backed into a corner. You must feel totally overwhelmed by the issues you have with your man, and not being able to bring them out into the open and talk about them would make things 100 times worse. His refusing to address your concerns respectfully isn't a good sign - this is usually the type of man who is somewhat selfish. Refusing to talk to you about these things isn't compromising or meeting you halfway, he's basically saying, "this is who I am. Take it or leave it.". In a way, I can see why he's been married twice if he refuses to put in as much as he takes.

 

The important thing here is that you don't hold back your feelings. If you do, they will only grow negatively and create such a mess inside of you that it could actually be dangerous to your, and your baby's health. If something is really bothering you, as a person in your relationship you have a right to be heard. Sit him down calmly and explain to him how everything has affected you and continues to affect you.

[cleverme123]

Found an email and was informed that he was still seeing his ex. His little working lates have actually been me waiting home for him why he goes to play with her. That is part of the internet obsession, he uses the pictures as cover up. It all became clear when someone alerted me of what was going on, I followed him and found out. Now I am totally lost and broken, how can you divote a year with someone give them a baby and find out something like that!