breaking up with my girlfriend in a few hours, dreading it....

[tacs1895]

Hi. It's been a long time since I posted here, which was mainly in months after a break up that happened not far off two years ago. Posting now just because I'm feeling low at the prospect of breaking up with my current girlfriend.

 

We've been together just three months, and it was the first relationship of any kind I'd had since my big breakup two years ago. I was very careful that I didn't want to just go straight into something else, and to be honest I was grieving so much that I couldn't have managed to do it anyway. This relationship was the first thing that I've started, and part of it was seeing if I was ready for someone else.

 

I felt a bit uncertain getting into this relationship, but it also felt like the right time to test the water. It's been nice, but I also feel that it's not the right thing for me, and therefore it doesn't make sense to keep going. It's partly that I still have strong feelings over my last relationship that get in the way, but that's not all of it. I do feel that if I met the right person now I'd be ready, but this relationship isn't it. I do wonder if the feelings over my last breakup are influencing this current relationship unfairly, but in the end I can only go with how it feels right now. Maybe if I'd met this person in other circumstances it would be different, but right now it just doesn't really feel truly right.

 

I have become very fond of the girl I'm with now, and hate that I will have to hurt her. I don't know how she will react. I don't think it will come as a complete surprise - as nice as it's been so far, I think we've already acknowledged to each other that it hasn't had quite the excitement of an early relationship that we would both like. It's still not going to be nice for her though. She's a lovely person, and there will certainly be many things that I will miss about her. These are playing on my mind as a I prepare to end it, wondering whether I should wait a bit to give it a chance for a little while longer. But I think deep down I know it's not going to be a long term thing for me, and three months is enough to have quite a good sense of things.

 

So I feel like it's the right thing to do. There is an element of doubt, but I guess that's in part to do with my own fears of loneliness and so on. I will feel sad to end this, but I think I know it's not really what I want, and if my heart's not truly in it then it doesn't make sense to stay. It's also only fair to her. I'm not looking forward to hurting her though, because I do care about her.

 

Also, I've never broken up with anyone before, it's always been me that's been left. So in one sense this is quite a positive thing that I'm doing this proactively. But it also feels scary, and I'm very uneasy about the prospects of the ensuing loneliness and/or guilt.

 

So basically I just needed to put these thoughts out there, I don't need advice as I think my decision is basically clear, but some support and encouragement would be appreciated if anyone is around and cares to offer it in the next hour or so. Like I said, I feel pretty sure it's the right thing to do, feeling grim about it though, and could just do with some gentle and kind words.

[wowor]

Follow your heart. I've done this all my adult life and even though it has brought me pain in some cases, the good has definitely outweighed the bad.

 

Be honest and truthful. That is all that matters.

[HeatherB]

Be kind, clear, and respectful, but don't compromise. You can do it, and you know it's for the best.

[tacs1895]

Thanks, those replies helped.

 

It's over now. We had a long chat, and it was really really sad, but went ok. We both said what we needed to, it was very upsetting but we left on good terms. As well as everything I said above, I don't think I'd realised quite how much I will miss her, it's only now become obvious. That's not to say it was the wrong decision, it wasn't working so this was the best thing to do. My anticipation though was that I'd be mostly relieved and also guilty once I'd got through it. In fact I only have a little bit of those things, and instead I'm right now mainly just sad, because I'm really fond of her and it will be sad not to see her. Some of the sadness is of course my own stuff about now being lonely and on my own, which I expected, but it's also that I suddenly won't see her again for a long time, that feels really abrupt and I didn't anticipate it. It's only really hit me tonight quite how fond of her I am. Not such a surprise really I guess, but it's still a shock to think I won't see her again for a long time.

 

I've done the right thing, which feels ok. But yes, I'm really sad.

[CupidMissedMe]

Just out of curiosity, what do you feel was missing in the relationship? Is it some aspect that you could pinpoint? Or just gut feeling?