I love but can't trust.

[Solange]

Hi everyone. I just want to say thanks in advance for any insight you can give on my situation. I really need some advice.

 

I've been dating my boyfriend (who is 23) for a 1.5 years. I love him dearly. His last serious relationship was in high school several years ago. The problem is that when we first started dating, he was a real jerk, made a lot of stupid comments about wanting other girls (after we were together), flirting in front of me, etc. After being together for about 4-5 months, he really did change and stopped those things. However, he still makes these 'random' comments that cause me to question our relationship again.

 

I spent a couple of months in another part of the country, and a week before I came back to be with him, he made a comment that I haven't been able to forget. He was going to a party with some friends and I joked, "don't end up with any girls tonight", to which he replied, "nah, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't". It wasn't really the response I was looking for. Also, he told me that he wasn't going to sleep at that house (his friend's house), but he ended up sleeping there anyway. Then I was looking through some pictures of his friends' and saw a picture of him with his arm around some girl - one he made comments about in the beginning of our relationship. When I brought this up last night (because I couldn't hold back anymore), he got really angry and seemed insulted that I would accuse him of something like that.

 

Another situation was about 2 months ago. I found some porn sites on the computer, which don't really bother me, but when I asked him about it he said, "I'm sorry you saw that". Sorry I saw it? What else is he hiding?

 

It feels like as soon as I start trusting him and putting 100% faith in him, something happens. I have to start all over. He does a lot for me, pays the utilities, takes me out wherever I want to go, and spends all of his spare time with me. He even told me that he 'doesn't need' a lot of friends and that he just needs me. But my lack of trust for him is making me question things constantly!

 

Please help! Am I just being overly sensitive and paranoid?

[wanderer]

this is a tough situation to be in, and one that i was in when i was dating my ex. i can say from experience that the worst part about being paranoid about your partner's loyalty is when your fears are proved true. that happened to me, my ex would always say she was "just friends" with this one guy that i was suspiscious of (he's also one her ex bfs) so i took her word for it and trusted that she wouldn't cheat on me. i was wrong. she had been seeing the guy on and off while we were dating, and was one of the main reason why she dumped me (though she doesn't admit it) so in all honesty i can totally understand your anxiety about this and i can say nothing negative about it based on my experience in the same situation. i know what it's like.

 

i will say that if it really bothers you, you should sit him down and calmly tell him how you feel about it and why it bothers you. don't point fingers, don't start yelling and/or crying. he sounds like he should be able to understand your feelings and should give honest reassurance.

[2rublueeyes21]

I was in the same kind of situation with my ex-fiance'. Had a hard time trusting him...no REAL reason, just little things that made me question what he did. You know? We are no longer together. Trust is a BIG thing, he always through it in my face..."why don't you trust me?" but that's one thing that made us fall out of love I think. The trust was just not there. So, you might want to try fix your feelings, before it's too late. It hurts to not be able to fully trust someone, but it hurts them as well especially if they are faithful and not doing anything wrong. Good luck. This is not the best advice, but maybe you'll find comfort knowing someone knows what you're going through! take care-Jen

[Vanilla]

I can understand why you hesitate to trust him at times. He's hurt you before. I know what you feel. My boyfriend, for example is always soooo affectionate. He is always all over me when we're alone, in public. He takes me everywhere with him. If he could take me to school and work he probably would too. Anything I want he buys it for me. He's around my family a lot and always talks about spending the rest of his life with me. HOWEVER, he broke up with me last february because he needed space. Although it took two days to get back together, and he's been amazing sometimes I get uneasy around him because i don't know if he'll do it again. I know thats no way to live and that i need to trust my boyfriend, because whats a relationship without trust? When I found some porn sites on his comp last month, he felt awful and has never looked at it since. I notice he never goes online anymore period. He does everything he can to make me happy and its not even a drag or a sacrifice for him. But we're human, and once we're hurt god only knows how long it takes us to freaking get over it. Thats if we even get over it.

 

I don't think it's right that he makes those comments around you or made them at least. As a boyfriend, husband, his job is to not only love you but to make you feel like th emost beautiful and most desirable girl in his eyes. He'll never stop checking other girls out, and finding other women sexy or desirable. Women never stop drooling over brad pitt, or the sexy UPS guy that comes every other afternoon. when my boyfriend and I are together i make sur ehe feels like the greatest sexiest man alive, and he always tries to do the same with me, because thats what love is about, making eachother feel like you two are the greatest things in this world. Now, every couple has its bumps and really tough times.

 

If his response to you questioning him is aggressive and angry, I would wonder what else he's hiding and why he's so defensive. Wehn i told my boyfriend I did not like him looking at pron and that i had found it he was understanding and alone said "i dont need it, i'm really sorry i made you feel bad over something so unimportant in my life" and itsnever been around since.

 

So basically what I am saying is your boyfriend should understand that comments like that about other girls are not acceptable. he can fantasize about whoever and whatever he wants in HIS HEAD, where its safe and its not hurting anyone. I say talk to him about it, and if he keeps being defensive and getting angry, I say you see how happy you are in your relationship and what you're willing to deal with. Never love anyone else more than yourself!

[avman]

I'm just wondering, is it possible you might be projecting some of the wrongs that have been done to you by other guys onto your current boyfriend? Its obvious that you do love him dearly. But trust is a funny thing. Once you've been betrayed by others its easy to assume the person you are with will do the same.

 

Once you do this, it can lead to seeing the worst in every situation. You may take innocent comments totally the wrong way. Or you might deliberately start picking fights over unrelated things because you are actually hurting over something else. This can leave your partner bewildered and confused because they have no idea what you are upset about. And then you are bothered even more because they don't seem to be taking your upset seriously enough.

 

The one piece of advice I'll give you is to resolve each situation on its own merits. Pick one thing that is truly hurting you, and work at it until its resolved. Don't flow into other things. That just confuses the issue and makes it likely nothing will be accomplished. And then once the issue is resolved you must put it in the past and not bring it up again.

 

This is easier said than done of course. But its really the only way to patch up those old wounds and not give them any power to hurt you anymore. As long as you let the old hurts intrude on your relationship you are really never able to move forward. And that can spoil the good times that you should be experiencing because you have not let go of the old baggage from the past.

 

Good luck.

[Solange]

Hey everyone, I just wanted to say "thank you" and that I appreciate you taking time out of your day to help me out - and it REALLY HAS!

 

Here is a bit of an update:

 

He just told me that he bought us 2 tickets to the Caribbean for Christmas, and doesn't mind paying for me because he knows that I'm much poorer than he is! lol He really needed a vacation because he is a workaholic and goes to school full-time. I told him that he should go with a friend or someone who could afford it, but he said that he only wanted to go if it was with me.

 

Sometimes I think that I'm crazy in feeling the way that I do. He spends 99% of his spare time with me, and is sometimes too affectionate (kind of needy actually, haha).

 

It's just these stupid comments that he has a tendency to make that will stick with me for a long time and make it really hard for me to trust. I guess it's only time that tells with situations like these.

 

Thanks again everyone!