Prenup question

[FYI]

I understand your concerns, but that ain't trust if you're going into a marriage with thought that you've got to protect and keep everything away from someone. That's not trust and that's not what marriage is about. If that's the case, you probably shouldn't get married at all because you cannot protect everything. And I don't think having a fake ceremony and faking your way through it as you suggested will go over well with your boyfriend and with that kind of mentality, you might wind up losing him. My best advice to offer is that you really should talk things over with your boyfriend about where you are and the road up ahead. I sense that you do love him, but as normal you're just afraid of things not working out down the road and being taken to the cleaners.

 

I understand this because I have the same fear, which is why I know that I'm just not to settle down and marry right away. Therefore, when or if I decide to get married, I want it to be right. And I know that going into a marriage with all of these stipulations, backdoor, under the table and obscure contractual agreements doesn't signify trust in my spouse and I don't want to put anybody through that.

 

I don't know your situation but let me make general statement to everyone who may be reading. If you don't trust the person that your with, don't marry them. If you think for a split second that they may turn their back on you and take you to the cleaners, don't marry them. If they've showed signs of being shady or unfaithful, untrustworthy, don't marry them. A lot of times, divorces and breakups can be seen miles in the distance because the person begins to exhibit signs that would make a marriage or relationship unsuccessful. Just don't do it, don't get locked into a marriage with people like that thinking that it's going to get better. It ain't. It's just going to get worse. Trust me.

[superfan]

I don't know your situation but let me make general statement to everyone who may be reading. If you don't trust the person that your with, don't marry them. If you think for a split second that they may turn their back on you and take you to the cleaners, don't marry them. If they've showed signs of being shady or unfaithful, untrustworthy, don't marry them. A lot of times, divorces and breakups can be seen miles in the distance because the person begins to exhibit signs that would make a marriage or relationship unsuccessful. Just don't do it, don't get locked into a marriage with people like that thinking that it's going to get better. It ain't. It's just going to get worse. Trust me.

 

And you know this from your experience being married? It's very lovely and idealistic to think that all marriages would work that way but that isn't reality. It's also nice to think that if somebody is untrustworthy or somehow shady that they will show that to you before you marry. This isn't always the case and it's also not the only reason why marriages break up. There are many reasons why marriages fail and only some of that can be avoided prior to walking down the aisle. Again, I know two people who have divorced. One found out her husband was a child molester. According to her there were no signs of that prior to the marriage (and why would there be? They didn't have kids and they didn't own a computer.) She never saw any indication of that in his personality and now he is awaiting trial and she is going through the process of divorce. My other friend's husband started beating and controlling her after they got married. Prior to that they lived together and there were also no signs that he was controlling or abusive.

 

Other marriages break up because people change or go their separate ways - life changes or they lose a child and can't survive the trauma associated with it. There is NO way to predict if your marriage will make it, no matter how certain you are about the person going in. If there was a gaurantee, divorce wouldn't be so common. To put the onus on people and say 'they should have known somehow' is ridiculous. There is no way of knowing, so if the OP wants to have a prenup to protect herself from possible complications down the line, then I don't think it is an indication of a lack of trust - rather she is more pragmatically minded and wants to guard herself against any unforeseen eventualities.

[Fudgie]

e

I would avoid the internet for answers (and from your posts I think you will from now on). I was happy to see your post because well it sounds to me like you might want to get married a bit earlier than 30 and to this guy, yes? Sounds exciting! I agree that you should consult with a lawyer or at least try to find a friend or friend of a friend who can help in a general way even if she can't give you specific legal advice. Sorry if I missed this but is your bf on board with having a prenup when/if the time comes?

 

I don't really know. People are starting to ask me. I think it's a definite possibility but I am unsure right now.

 

One thing that happened that made me think that it may be possible is that I am considering going out of state for grad school in a couple years. That's not necessarily by choice either but there are many good programs put of state and I am fine with going. I am also planning on applying to some places for an alternative career path that may have me in school for much longer.

 

I will go wherever I have to for school even if it means going long distance to the peril for a relationship. N knows this. This is just my priority. He told me he wants to follow me if I leave the state, and then will come with me when I come back home too. This sort of surprised me. I would not expect him to do this. He has no family anymore but he is in a good band and I know moving far away would take him out of it. That makes me sad but touched that he is willing to do that.

 

But yeah, right now, I don't know. Nothing that would happen anytime soon. I don't want to marry before 25. I'm also overweight and probably won't do it until all the weight is gone. I may still do surgery in the future. I NEED to be done with school no matter what. A part of me feels that no time is a good time because I basically want life to be perfect when it happens but I don't think life will ever be that way. And then there's a part of me that is thinking that this whole marriage idea is too risky and a bad idea. I'm very conflicted on the whole thing.

 

N says he likes the idea of a prenup. He thinks family inheritance and property needs to stay within that family and I agree. He may still get stuff in a will if his grandparents decide that he's a better heir than his crackw___e mom. If so, then it's his stuff and I don't want any rights to it.

 

I understand your concerns, but that ain't trust if you're going into a marriage with thought that you've got to protect and keep everything away from someone. That's not trust and that's not what marriage is about. If that's the case, you probably shouldn't get married at all because you cannot protect everything. And I don't think having a fake ceremony and faking your way through it as you suggested will go over well with your boyfriend and with that kind of mentality, you might wind up losing him. My best advice to offer is that you really should talk things over with your boyfriend about where you are and the road up ahead. I sense that you do love him, but as normal you're just afraid of things not working out down the road and being taken to the cleaners.

 

I understand this because I have the same fear, which is why I know that I'm just not to settle down and marry right away. Therefore, when or if I decide to get married, I want it to be right. And I know that going into a marriage with all of these stipulations, backdoor, under the table and obscure contractual agreements doesn't signify trust in my spouse and I don't want to put anybody through that.

 

I don't know your situation but let me make general statement to everyone who may be reading. If you don't trust the person that your with, don't marry them. If you think for a split second that they may turn their back on you and take you to the cleaners, don't marry them. If they've showed signs of being shady or unfaithful, untrustworthy, don't marry them. A lot of times, divorces and breakups can be seen miles in the distance because the person begins to exhibit signs that would make a marriage or relationship unsuccessful. Just don't do it, don't get locked into a marriage with people like that thinking that it's going to get better. It ain't. It's just going to get worse. Trust me.

 

I'm glad you understand my fear. It's scary.

 

I do disagree that it's a lack of trust. I view prenups like I view insurance policies. I just can't walk into anything with absolute good faith that it won't fall through. I feel life is too fickle, as are people.

 

Thing is, I don't think I could marry anyone without a prenup. It's not about that person or how much trust I have. It's me. I guess by your logic I should never marry anyone at all. Because I could never go into something without thinking that there is a possibility, however remote, that it would end. There is always a possibility. I am not talking about meeting someone else or anything. I mean, people can change, their character may even change after a trauma, and I may get cheated on or neglected. Or the other person may decide they want a child. Should I lose half of my earnings because of these things? It does not seem fair

 

I am not sure how my boyfriend would feel about never marrying and then pretending to be married. I will have to ask. I would think many men would be relieved not to go through the expense and drama of a wedding but I'm not sure. It's possible that he'd be fine with it.

 

My boyfriend is the definition of monogamous. Not only have I also gotten to see him grow along with me, from naive high schoolers to independent adults, I also was his first, so we don't struggle with the ex issue or anything lie that. He is very predictable (in a good way), passionate, dependable, and loyal. I know I can count on him to be there for me and he has a long track record of this. I have more proof of his character than most people have proof of their partner's character before they marry. Yet I could never jump in without a life jacket. I just never could. It is against the fiber of my being in a way.

 

I do love him. Just wary of things going wrong and losing out. Heck, even moving in was a feat for me. I never lives with a bf before. I signed the lease with him. I was so happy. Then I went home, thought about it, and cried. I cried when we moved in too. Mixed emotions. Now we live great together. I feel okay now that we have a signed cohabitation agreement, although cat custody has never been decided and he refuses to talk about it because he loves that cat to death. It's a little anxiety provoking but I leave it alone.

 

I sometimes wish I could just throw caution to the wind but I just can't. It's not who I am.

 

And you know this from your experience being married? It's very lovely and idealistic to think that all marriages would work that way but that isn't reality. It's also nice to think that if somebody is untrustworthy or somehow shady that they will show that to you before you marry. This isn't always the case and it's also not the only reason why marriages break up. There are many reasons why marriages fail and only some of that can be avoided prior to walking down the aisle. Again, I know two people who have divorced. One found out her husband was a child molester. According to her there were no signs of that prior to the marriage (and why would there be? They didn't have kids and they didn't own a computer.) She never saw any indication of that in his personality and now he is awaiting trial and she is going through the process of divorce. My other friend's husband started beating and controlling her after they got married. Prior to that they lived together and there were also no signs that he was controlling or abusive.

 

Other marriages break up because people change or go their separate ways - life changes or they lose a child and can't survive the trauma associated with it. There is NO way to predict if your marriage will make it, no matter how certain you are about the person going in. If there was a gaurantee, divorce wouldn't be so common. To put the onus on people and say 'they should have known somehow' is ridiculous. There is no way of knowing, so if the OP wants to have a prenup to protect herself from possible complications down the line, then I don't think it is an indication of a lack of trust - rather she is more pragmatically minded and wants to guard herself against any unforeseen eventualities.

 

I feel this way. Thanks.

 

I've seen marriages fail with others and I don't want to utterly screwed.

 

You know that saying, hope for the best, prepare for the worst? That's me.

[greywolf]

Mod note: This thread is not to debate whether one should get a pre-nup or not. Stay on topic.