How many ways does it have to be said?

[ninachamile]

Though we were never married we may as well have been. We were together for almost 20 years. So I placed this under divorce.

 

My boyfriend moved out some months back. There were no tears, no talking about it, nothing in the form of trying to reconcile for the moment and talk things through. We did not outright say, we are breaking up it was a common knowledge between us, it was for me. I thought the last several years of nonstop fighting, blaming and his constant "I can't wait to be rid of you" statements (even in front of our friends) said it all. Which our friends have no contact with either of us now. How sad is that? Let me pour lemon and salt over my paper cut cuticle and rinse it off with alcohol.

 

I have not once batted an eye over coming home and not having him be here. I am upset with the two of us that together we accomplished nothing over these nearly 2 decades. There is no point of telling each others faults in this demise, it happened, it's done. We do not work together.

 

We have emailed each other once or twice. One day he caught me on the phone and it was a pleasant conversation. We spoke like civilized people should. It was like speaking to an like old friend. It does make some sense, we used to be friends, then something happened, something invisible. A crack that weakened the foundation or so it seemed. I can see now that the crack was already there from the start. What a folly thing to stop and look at yourself for who you are and still go against it....Oh love (sigh)...at first.

 

Anyway, a few days later he called me over to talk about some stuff. Things were good for a second then he said something that got under my skin and I made that "face" which made him stop and say "If this is your attitude about it, then what is the use in the two of us continuing this, we should just end it, it's at that point!"

 

WHAT?! Are you kidding me, seriously? I grabbed my things and left. He has called since then, lucky for both of us I was busy and could not talk.

 

I don't want to be the one to tell him to read the writing on the wall that he stenciled and I painted. The result will be chaos and it will be my fault, as usual. I want him to be happy and be the person he has the potential to be. I will be that silent voice in the background cheering him on, however, on the same note I don't want to hear about it nor hear he has found someone else. It is just lunacy.

 

Who has been here.

[postscript]

Ouch.

 

I've been there... To the point where you've just nothing left. I can feel it in your post. Just lucid, completely enduring and accepting it. At least it appears you're beyond the grief stage.

[ninachamile]

There is a little grief lingering. I can't get his hook out of my back and it is in that spot no one can reach. And when it is removed and the dust settles the grief will move to a different level. The worst one of all...The Return of the Grief. I guess that is why I am making excuses for not reminding him of why he moved out. I hate this position.

 

I am looking forward to the ANGRY stage, there at least I won't give a $*&! anymore.

[Seraphim]

You sound like my mother after 30 years through the ringer washer with my dad. You sound a little numb at this point but she said if you're no longer crying then you can't really care that much. And it is over.

[deepblu]

My gut is wrenching reading about you relationship. I think you are on the right path, but you sound completely numb thou and that self defense mechinism can be destructive too. 20 years is a long time to have been together and then not, You are incredible strong and or undeniable hurt to be able to welcome this in a weirdly happy way. His actions and word towards you are enough to turn anyone numb, espesially after so long the respect has long gone. You make me reflect on the words said to me time and time again. Just keep doing things that make you happy. That's what everyone is telling me. My husband is leaving me but I think we deserve a second chance. Perspective is good thank you for sharing you story.