SadBlueEyes Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Well, things were going good with my MM. We had talked and seen each other many, many times. The last time being Columbus Day, 2 weeks ago. After that day, and it was a good day of conversation, lunch, and harley riding, after that day, which he was late getting home because we were out long, after that day, he said he had to lay low for a while. Well, now he is reading my emails but not answering them. I am hurt, he said so many things contradicting what he is doing now. Why, Why Why, would he do this do me? Link to comment
OceanEyes Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Why, Why Why, would he do this do me? Possibly because he's already married to another woman? If you're knowingly involved with a married man, I don't think it's wise to have expectations of how your relationship will go. If he's telling you that he has to "lay low", then it probably means that he doesn't want his wife finding out. I would assume that if you don't want to deal with your man telling you that he has to "lay low", that it would make more sense to date a man who doesn't have a ring on his finger already. Link to comment
melrich Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Why do you think? All the advice that goes on to these boards about relationships with married men says the same thing...in 99% of cases when it comes to the crunch, their marriage or their mistress, they will choose the marriage. I just don't understand why some people do not listen and accept the advice given by so many experienced posters on this site. OK you may choose to continue the affair but why be so surprised when something happens that is exactly what everyone has advised would happen in here? Link to comment
Venturer Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 You know my last gf did the same thing... except she didnt say that she needed to lay low or take it easy for a while. She just vanished. I hate it when they go *poof* ... its like they have no consideration for other people's feelings. EDIT: oh i didnt realize he was married. that might explain some of his actions, but still.. Link to comment
tea Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 .... Well, he IS married you know. You'd think wife and kids count for something. It's okay, collect yourself and put it behind you. You're a strong woman, you can do it. Next time, just make sure the man doesn't have a ring on his finger. Well, you went after him and hoped that he will fall in love with you and dump his wife right? You also said you just wanted to live it one day at a time. Now the game ended, just drop it? Link to comment
arwen Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 In general, a MM as you call it doesn't leave his wife to be with his mistress. He is having an affair with you, not a relation. And you KNOW that, the question is not 'why, why, why, does he do that?' but 'why, why, why do you expect anything else?' Ilse. Link to comment
casado001 Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 Waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back then, when I was in my 20's, I used to date a girl that was engaged to be married. Oh man!!!, how much I loved her! How much I needed to have her next to me!! The joy of her company was second to none, and she was one of the most beautiful and charming creatures that ever roamed this earth!! The agony of her abscense turn my heart into confeti, and a river of wine could not wash away her memory, nor her scent , nor her red hair . .. Never mind, I feel your pain, and I feel for you. I know what is to be in second place, and I have walked your shoes for a number of years ... Is not easy to forget, and seems impossible to de-attach (whatever the word is for separation), and there is nothing like his company to you ... But he has his commitments, made his choices, and he is not in a easy situation either. I am not telling you to FORGIVE him for vanishing like that, but you must have an understanding. Love, true love, makes little to no sense at all. And sometimes it is like the devils bargain .... Link to comment
SadBlueEyes Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 Wow, I thank you for that. Very deep and emotional. Yes, there is nothing like his company. I found myself driving today to the spots where we used to go and talk for hours, just to be in the same place WE were before together. And I cried, crying not only for the loss of this special person to myself, but crying because of the huge mistake I made in putting my heart through this. This man truly was one of a kind, in all my dating years, and I have been single for over 15 years, I have NOT EVER experienced someone like him. And yes, I knew he was married. I did not think I would fall in love with him. Especially so quickly Link to comment
casado001 Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 I have been in both sides of the fence, and both are hard .... And I know that you must feel at loss with him and yourself ... I have bad news for you ... the pain NEVER goes away ! The good news now! You are single!! YAY!! You are under 80 years old!! YAY!! You are in incredible shape! .... wait a min . ... if you are not... do something about it ... . And now, get a brand new HOBBY!!!!! Specially, hobbies that involved intellelctually inclined SINGLE man. By the way, get a younger one, enough with the old farts .. lol Cheer up, the pain is there but in the civil war there was people getting their legs amputated!!!! Cheers casado001 Link to comment
SadBlueEyes Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 Ok, people, need more advise here. Change of plans, my MM left me an email today asking how I was and that he had been really busy and that he will be working in my area soon and would let me know when so we could meet. So what do I do? My heart says, go for it for now My head says meet with him and confront him on why he treated me so coldly and where has he been for 2 weeks and why did this happen, etc etc. and that he should know that I have feelings and that I was hurting, and where is this going? I am really confused, because this same thing almost to the day happened last month, he disappeared for like 2 weeks, then pops back in my life as if nothing happened. What gives here? HELP Link to comment
justagirl20f Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 Are you sane? Seriously, do you have a mental disorder? Your heart is wrong... You shouldn't "go for it" and your head is wrong, as you have nothing to comfront him about. You do understand that if his mistress starts nagging his butt off he's gonna get another mistress and ditch you, right? Men who are cheating on their wives aren't looking for another relationship (read: all the complications that come with a relationship) he's simply looking for someone to go to bed with to spice things up. So, if you want to mess things up, go for it and comfront him but he'll just be disappointed you're starting to become the girlfriend he never wanted. You mean nothing to him obviously... You're not even second fiddle, honey. If he's treating you like this, you're the janitor that cleans up the hall after the orchestra has left. What should you do then? Go to him and tell him to leave you alone, go back to his wife, and then go to councelling or something to try and fix yourself so you have some hope of having a normal healthy relationship before you die. Link to comment
tea Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 ..... *sigh* *thinks* ..... *gives up* justagirl, she tuned everyone out already. Unless if you're going to encourage her and help her, you won't be heard. Link to comment
Mun Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 I just want to say that if you take him back then this is the kind of relationship you are going to have. He did this a month ago and he is probably going to do it again. It's obvious that he looks out for himself, you are not his top priority. If you take him back you are sending him a message that says: go ahead and drop me when it is convenient for you, I will be right here waiting when you decide to come back to me. Maybe after this same thing happens a few times you will see things differently. Take care Link to comment
melrich Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 Well I hate to say it but I agree with justagirl. You simply cannot be thinking right if you do not see what is going on here. Link to comment
SadBlueEyes Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 Wow, you guys are really hard on me., I do see what everyone is writing, and I do appreciate the help. I am just having a hard time with the fact that I want to see him so much, and know that its the wrong thing to do. He is online right now, and I want to IM him so bad. Its like an addiction. I want to see him, talk to him, touch him. And I dont want to be second fiddle, to be hurt again. So I cant do these things. You see, these posts you guys have been writing do indeed help me see things clearer. Thanks Link to comment
mier Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 Honey, I've been exactly where you are. For 5 years my MM treated me like a queen (on the side). He honestly was as good to me as any other man ever in my life. Then, he started disappearing. (He was deployed in the Military), but he never told me what was going on. I never knew. It just happened. He deployed for a year, then came back (never a word from him). Came back to me for a couple of years, told me "he loved me and am very humble about it", then I heard on the street that he was deploying again, this time to the Phillipines where an old girlfriend was that he left his wife for to begin with. We fought. I told him it was over. He said he was "sexually addicted" to me and had to leave me geographically to control it. HUH? I grieved. Then after 2 years he came back again. He called me again and we had dinner, wanted to go back to the Officers Quarters for lovemaking. I told him I had met someone else and kissed him goodbye. Guess what. I'm over it. 2 things I learned. 1. He had all the control and I had NONE. 2. Because he was sexually happy with me, I was probably what was keeping his marriage together. Gain a little control and self respect. Start looking at other men. One will catch your eye eventually, and approach you in the right way. Be ready. Link to comment
OceanEyes Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 justagirl, she tuned everyone out already. Unless if you're going to encourage her and help her, you won't be heard. Yes, I've noticed this also Tea. I think Sadblueeyes will discover in good time that what people here are saying is right. I personally feel that it's ridiculous to play the victim when you're screwing around with a married man, but I've never put myself in that position. Wow, you guys are really hard on me. And I think you must know why. It's difficult for people to support you and give objective advice when we find what you're doing immoral. It also seems like you are asking for some kind of sympathy and comfort, but it's difficult to offer that when you don't actually seem to care about anyone but yourself in this case. I'm not trying to be mean, but please don't expect people here to comfort you through a situation that is obviously wrong. Link to comment
casado001 Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Chill people!!, walk in someonelses shoes before judging someone harshly. It seems that compasion has nothing to do with education, but from having learned from experience .... It seems that your Married Man jumped the shark, and you ARE entitled to an explanation. On the part that what she does is "morally wrong", I do agree completely. But the stoning and the chasing with torches is waaaaaaay out of the line. I know how she feels and it would be better for her to cut loose and get a real relationship. THE HEART UNDERSTANDS NO REASONS, BUT SURE IT HURTS!!!!!! just my .02$ Link to comment
pineapplegirl Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 **SAD BLUE EYES sorry to read about your situation. Please don't feel I am judging you, but rather, allow me to provide a little insight on what's to come if you continue to pursue this with him(okay, it's a lot of insight) >You are a convenience store for him, 7-11, Circle K etc. He calls you/goes to you/writes you when it is convenient for him. He goes to you when he needs something/wants something. Whether it be sex, fun, a compassionate ear, a warm young body, a shoulder to cry on... you are the convenient person to go to. And while having an affair is not convenient(that's what he'll say if you tell him you're tired of not being prioritized), you must accept that he will only go to you when it is appropriately timed for him. > As for your convenience, it will no longer exist. You will spend nights alone, wait for his call, you will run to your computer every time you get home to see if he wrote to you. And as far as making plans with your friends and family, he will come first, regardless of what you think now... >You will not see him on your birthday, his birthday, his wife's birthday, his kids' birthday(assuming he has kids), his kids' open house/back to school night, any major holidays, their anniversary, his mother or father in law's birthday or their anniversary, etc. (the list goes on and on)... >In public, he will not hold your hand, allow you to take his arm, or display any type of affection that may be interpreted by anyone as anything other than platonic. >If you call him, block your number. >If he calls you, he should know that if he should ever pursue a divorce and an extra-marital affair is even in question, they will subpoena his phone records, and he will have to explain why he is calling you... >You will never meet his family, friends, kids, co-workers(unless that is you work together, yikes, that's another story). > You will never rank number one on his list of priorities. At best, you'll make it into the top 20, if you're lucky. > If you do go out with him in public, bring your cell phone and enough cash to grab a taxi to take you home. Circumstance may arise that you have NO OTHER OPTION than to take a taxi, especially if you get busted. >You will probably cry yourself to sleep missing the MM, all the while wondering if he is sleeping next to his wife. > He will direct and control the relationship in every way shape and form. You will see him when he can see you, he will call you when he can call you, and when you want to see him or call him you'll be SOL. > The chances of him getting a divorce FOR YOU are slim. The chances of him getting a divorce because he's unhappy enough to cheat are good. > He is having his cake and eating it too. >You'll probably never see the inside of his house. > Forget about going on vacation with him, either for the weekend to a destination close enough to drive (if it's that close he won't risk getting caught), and forget about a week long vacation to some tropical destination. Airline tickets are easily traceable, and it wouldn't take a genius to put 2+2 together. >If he does get a divorce, you will(believe it or not)probably not be the first thing he runs to. He may keep you around, but don't think that just because he left HER, YOU jump into priority spot number one. > If you are hurt, (like in the hospital), he probably won't get to go to you. > If he is hurt, you probably will want to go to him, but won't be able to...I mean, that's gonna be pretty uncomfortable to run into his wife in the waiting room... *My friend, please realize that I am not judging you. I am not casting stones... I am only providing feedback on what I KNOW AND WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH. *To this day, I still go through it on a certain level...Take what you will from my advice. No one could have told me to not keep seeing my MM. I have for close to 3 and 1/2 years now, and it does not get easier. *I have really gone through hell and back with this . I have sat on New Years' Eve cleaning my bathroom, I have spent birthdays alone because I told my family that I was "going out with friends"all under the impression that I'd spend those days with him...but then his plans changed. *You will do what you will... No one can stop you, even though everyone seems to think they have the right to judge you. Just know, that you will reach a point that you may become ashamed of what you are doing. *You will have to look at yourself in the mirror regardless of what happens with him. *If I could go back and change it, I probably wouldn't. (Yes, readers go ahead and lash out at me for that). *I DO wish I had not bailed out on MY family gatherings/get togethers/dinners etc. I missed out on a lot, and my family will never have any idea why. ** Please feel free to PM me if you want more of my feedback... Otherwise, good luck to you if you pursue this with him, you'll need it more than you know. Link to comment
DBL Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 casado001 I wouldn't walk in her shoes in the first place, truthfully she shouldn't be walking in her shoes either. Sadblueeyes...it is natural to want what we can't have. Just keep in mind, what comes around goes around. One day you will meet a good guy, get married, have kids...and you may end up the wife that is being cheated on. DBL Link to comment
pineapplegirl Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 DBL: >You hit the nail on the head with your quote: you may end up the wife that is being cheated on. >What goes around comes around, and I worry about that everyday because of what I went through...A relationship with a married man is the frigging gift that keeps on giving... Link to comment
mier Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 DBL said it beautifully and it is all that really needs to be said. You are wasting your time and someday you will see it. Link to comment
SadBlueEyes Posted November 3, 2004 Author Share Posted November 3, 2004 Just wanted to tell everyone that the relationship I had, if you could call it that, with my MM was ended today. I told him that I fell in love with him, and he basically said that I knew upfront what he could give and not give, and that he, in not these words, but similiar, could not leave his wife for me. So, everyone was right, I wasted my time, but in my heart I know that I gave it a chance and who knows what could have happened these last 3 months while we were seeing each other. I do know now that he did not have those same feelings for me, and it hurts like hell. But I am strong, and will get over this. I do still love him.......... Link to comment
Mun Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 Sadblueyes, I know how much it hurts to love someone and not have them. It's not going to be easy, but you will move on. You should have someone that is true to you, I hope you find him. Don't settle for less. love Link to comment
SadBlueEyes Posted November 5, 2004 Author Share Posted November 5, 2004 Thanks Muneca You are right, I do need someone who would be all mine. Its just so hard to forget him, everyday I take a 3 mile walk before I go to work, and that is the only thing that is on my mine for that hour that I walk. The places we went, the things we said to each other, the look he used to give me, the touch.... its just so damn hard I still love him so Link to comment
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