Finding My Way

[MizzGee]

There is a Japanese proverb that goes something like this: "Fall seven times, stand up eight."

 

I don't think I've fallen yet, but I've definitely been tripping up.

 

Yesterday I had completed the last page in my hand-written journal. There was something so final about closing the book after two years of heartfelt journal entries. I flipped through the pages and found myself shaking my head in disbelief at some of what I'd written. Have I changed at all? Where am I going in life? Where do I want to go in life?

 

Why go online? It's nice to see that other people are posting journals about themselves as well. I guess I don't feel so alone, and it helps to think that maybe after posting some entries I'll have more than my own perspective to tirelessly pick at...

 

Or maybe it's just a classic form of narcissism.

[MizzGee]

I have a problem with trying to control everything, and it often results in me being upset and anxious because everything cannot be controlled. I need to have a better understanding of what I can control, and what is out of my hands. I like lists, so let's do that.

 

Out of my control:

 

My best friend's reaction to me not being able to make her birthday party.

The shortening of the days.

The distance between me and A.

The grade I got on my last exam.

 

What I can control:

 

How I handle my reaction to my best friend's reaction.

Exercise.

My work/study ethic.

Communication with A (at least on my side).

[MizzGee]

My best friend is ignoring me because I can't be at her birthday party.

 

We've always been opposites, with me being the quiet supporter and her the glitzy drama queen. Honestly, if we hadn't become such good friends in elementary school I don't think we'd be friends today. Her 21st birthday is during the upcoming holidays and she is going all out. We're talking rooms being rented at a fancy hotel, spa treatments, and then hours of bar-hopping on one of the busiest nights of the year.

 

I'm her only friend who will also be 21.

 

The idea of spending all night buying expensive drinks, dancing in overcrowded clubs, and being hit on by unwanted men did not appeal to me. AT ALL. I did not feel it would be fun, or all that safe. I did not want to have to be the only one there babysitting her. I did not understand why she had to go all out on her birthday when no one but me would be 21. Wouldn't waiting for spring break be more logical? In 5 months, tons more people would be 21. The whole idea just was not logical. It didn't make sense.

 

But I'm a good friend. I said to count me in. Until I realized that on said day, I should be with family, with people I can only see on THAT specific holiday, with my 90 year old grandparents who I may not have much more time with. I can't come home often because during most of the year, home is 6 hours away. I am also needed to help cook food and decorate and help out during the day. I can't be hours away on a day that is so important to me and my family. I love my best friend, but family comes first.

 

So I explained the situation to her, thinking she'd understand because I've always understood when she flaked out on me. That maybe, all those hours spent visiting her, at HER university, during MY breaks, would have counted for something. Maybe she'd let me off the hook, seeing as she wasn't there for MY 21st birthday, or my 20th, or my 19th for that matter.

 

Apparently that's too much for her. She pleaded for me to pleasepleaseplease just come, I can see family some other time. And when I stood firm and offered my sincerest apologies, she went passive aggressive and began to ignore me.

 

So there. That's what I get for not being a good friend ONCE in 18 years.

 

 

I sound so angry and bitter. But I'm actually very hurt. If she's my best friend, why can't she understand this one thing? Is getting wasted on her birthday really that important to our friendship? I've always been there for her, through thick and thin. And I've always felt that she barely gives back to me. She doesn't get me. And she doesn't try to. At least I humor her when it comes to ridiculous things like this. She doesn't even try.

It makes me sad because it seems like the only reason she's upset about me not going is now she doesn't have a 21 year old body to go clubbing with on her birthday anymore.

[MizzGee]

I have this fear that I won't see problems in my relationship with A. I don't want to be blindsided if he tells me he's unhappy and wants to break up.

 

That can't be healthy. It doesn't help that when he's not here I'm neurotically analyzing every move he made and every thing he said during his last visit. I just... want things to be ok. I want to be able to fix problems if they arise. I miss him like crazy.

 

Relationships with other people have always been somewhat difficult and stressful for me. It doesnt matter if its between family, friends, or guys. I don't know if its because I have an introverted personality, or if I have problems forming connections. I think a lot of it comes back to the issue of control. I can't control other people and it stresses me out. It's not that I'm a hermit who hates people, I want to get close, I just don't know how. Actually, I think the biggest reason is that I'm terrified of opening up. I feel like A is confused and maybe even frustrated with me.. I think he thinks I'm ambivalent about the relationship when really I worry that I care too much. It feels so backwards... That I am the one who needs to share feelings in the relationship.

 

Sometimes when the stress and worries get to be too much I have to just ask myself, "We're you happier single? Do you look forward to his visits?"

 

No.

Yes.

 

So why am I worried? I love him. And I think he loves me too. Shouldn't that be enough?

[MizzGee]

I've been texting A on and off today and I got a text from him saying "sorry, I'll call you in a few." I'm pretty sure it was meant for a coworker because it didnt fit in our conversation, but its been twenty minutes and I'm getting a little annoyed because he didn't even bother to correct himself. I'm kind of laughing at myself for being annoyed about something so dumb but he does this all the time I usually joke that he sent it to the wrong girlfriend but damn! Is it that hard to look at who you're sending a text to?

 

I guess it's better than receiving something really scandalous lol.

[MizzGee]

The text ended up being for me, so now I look like an a**

 

This is why I hate texting. Also it's always good to hear his voice

[MizzGee]

Noticed I had a voicemail on my phone this morning from a number I didn't recognize.

 

"Hello, I'm calling from XXXXX Hospital about the test results from your physical."

 

I went from zero to panic attack in less than five seconds. I had a physical about a week ago, and my doctor said I would get my results online in a week. Calling is bad, isn't it? Obviously they found something terrible. Cancer. I'm pregnant. A's been cheating on me and I have an std.

 

Wait a second. Did he say negative? Oh. All my results came back negative.

 

Apparently I was supposed to check online when I had been waiting for an email notification. So when they noticed I hadn't checked they gave me a call.

 

Oh Mizz. You make life so much more exciting and terrifying and stressful than it has to be.

[MizzGee]

My phone service got cut off for no apparent reason. Have to get a new sim card today or I'll be phone-less till Tuesday. The horror!! I'm sure I would do just fine without it, but my mother on the other hand needs to "be able to call."

 

As a precaution I thought I'd save any important texts I had to my computer in case they don't get transferred over (I have a smart phone and can take screenshots). I also wanted to save some cute texts I had from A, and I ended up saving all of them I read through 7 months worth of texts between us, starting from the day after we met when he first asked me out. It made me appreciate him even more. I just feel so... lucky. It's crazy to think that if I hadn't gone to that party, or if I hadn't given him my number, or if he hadn't gone, or had been too busy playing beer pong, we wouldn't be together now. And when we were getting to know each other, there could have been any number of possible failures. It's really all just luck. That two people can randomly meet and have a mutual attraction and enough things in common to start a spark. I still have the texts we sent on the night he took me out to a fancy dinner and asked me to be his girlfriend. And the texts from over the summer as we struggled to keep it going even though we were six hours apart.

 

What we have is nowhere near perfect, and I'm aware of other couples who have survived through so much more. But it was nice to reinforce what I have with A. He's visiting this weekend and I'm so glad, I've missed him a ton. It doesn't help that my housemate Monica can be with her boyfriend 24/7. But we're working through it. No matter what happens, I'll have those texts now. Who knows what will happen six months, or even a year from now. I don't know if we'll still be together. I hope we will. The chances that we'll end up together are slim. Nobody ends up with their first anymore. But we're together now, and that's all that really matters.

[MizzGee]

The weekend has been pretty good so far, mainly because I got to finally see A again. Every time he visits we have so much fun together. I feel so cheesy for saying/thinking this, but I've never felt a connection to a person like this before in my life. Of course, I'm young and A is my first, but i'm really enjoying being in love. I finally told him that I love him, and he said it back It's so weird but also great to be able to have that kind of affect on another person. I'm glad to have said it. Now I feel like we're on the same page feelings-wise.

 

My best friend is talking to me again. I'm on guard though because I feel like she is just buttering me up to guilt trip me all over again.

 

Monica is SO weird with her boyfriend... She acts like a child around him and it really bothers me. Maybe it's just jealousy on my end because I can't see A very much, but I've never seen someone act like she does in a relationship before... She talks to him in baby voices all the time, they have tickle fights in public, and right now they're recording each other talking in weird voices and cracking up. It is just so weird and annoying to me.

 

Sigh. I think the weather is getting to me. I always become cranky and mean when it gets cold. I miss summer I miss my tan. I miss being able to wear short-shorts and tank tops haha. I really need to go shopping for some warmer clothes. I'm trying to look for cute sweaters but I hate looking bulky. And boots. I need some nice calf-height boots. I also need to go jeans shopping. Blegh. I only have 3 pairs of jeans and one of them is super old and faded, the other is too big now, and the third is purple so I'm limited on what I can wear with it. I freaking hate jeans shopping because I can never find a perfect fit. It's either too tight for my bum or too loose around my thighs/waist. Big booty problems

 

Should be studying for my upcoming physics exam. Failure is NOT AN OPTION. I cannot waste time retaking a class when I need to be on track to graduate the spring of 2014. Ugh. I hate math SO much. I would much rather write a 20 page paper for the class than study for these awful exams.

[MizzGee]

Living with other people makes it impossible to have privacy in a relationship. Especially when living with six roommates in a house with ridiculously thin walls How thin are the walls? I can hear Alexandra and Dasha talking in normal tones almost as if they were in the room with me. Alexandra's talking about how she can hear me having sex with A even though she doesn't even share a wall with me Ugh. I feel bad and super embarrassed because Dasha has told me sometimes she can hear us, but what am I supposed to do? Not have sex with my boyfriend? It's not like we're yelling our heads off or anything but the walls are so freaking thin. Part of me is mortified but the other part thinks they should just get over it. Sex is something most couples do. I wouldn't care if either of them brought home a boy and I heard them getting busy. It's called putting on headphones.

[MizzGee]

AHHHH! A brought me flowers when he came to visit and Alexandra's cat is hell-bent on destroying them!! Woke up this morning to find them tattered and chewed on with leaves and petals scattered everywhere. I am starting to HATE this cat. She is just a kitten but Alexandra is not home enough to play with her so she ends up going nuts, running around the house, yowling, breaking mugs, trying to escape. UGH. I'm so annoyed I just stuck her in Alexandra's room.

[MizzGee]

A friend's facebook status this morning read, "An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something great."

 

I hope that is what is happening right now. I just feel so bogged down with anxiety over school and people and the future. I don't feel proud of myself. I should be doing better in classes. I remember being frustrated in high school over not getting great grades when I would study for hours and hours while other kids would get straight A's after doing the bare minimum. My mom would tell me that I was creating a sturdy work ethic and that it would help me succeed in college. Well, here I am. Doing less than average. I study for a test that is a week and a half away and get a poor grade on it. My housemate studies 3 hours before and gets a B+. I feel so stupid. Why can't I retain information as easily as these other students? I go to lecture, I take notes, I reread my notes after class... And my grades look like those of a slacker's. All this work for a degree that I'm beginning to think won't take me anywhere. I feel like a waste of time and money. I feel like nothing I do is great, and especially not amazing. I'm going to live the rest of my life unregarded. Average Mizz. Less than average Mizz.

 

/pityparty

 

I've been trying to come up with ideas for Christmas gifts. I'm wondering if I should go more into the self-made zone, but am afraid that it will make me look cheap or childish. I just feel like there's nothing special about getting a friend a scarf or a scented candle. That doesn't say anything about our friendship. Or getting my dad another pair of work gloves... Ugh, speaking of which, I am wracking my brain for ideas on what to give A. I am terrible at gift ideas in the first place, but when it comes to gifting guys, forget it. Girls are so easy. Jewelry, clothes, candy... What do I get my boyfriend?? He got me the cutest necklace and dangly earrings for my birthday... AND flavored chocolates. When I visited him about a month ago he described to me how he hopes to decorate his apartment after he moves out of his parents' place. Maybe I could draw him a picture to fit that theme... I just don't know what I would draw without it being cheesy. I'd also have to draw it in the next couple of weeks I haven't drawn something to that extent since high school...

 

I need to workout today. I am SO close to getting the body I want... I can feel my abs forming, but I need to blast some fat before I can actually see them. This is what i love about exercise. I can actually see my progress, as opposed to school in which my "training" produces absolutely zero results

I'm going to set two goals for running... 1) be able to run a mile under 7 1/2 minutes. 2) be able to run 5 miles without stopping for rest. I can run a mile at just barely 8 1/2 minutes, but I have to stop and walk after. So i need to strengthen my endurance. And do more ab/butt workouts.

 

And start that project for my internship. Shoot. Completely forgot about that...

[MizzGee]

link removed

 

This blog is a life-saver when it comes to putting together outfits! I'm so challenged when layering clothes and making up cold-weather outfits but this morning I took one of her ideas and added a peacoat and I actually looked good while staying warm haha. I've really been trying to learn how to look good with what I have in my closet instead of going out and buying a bunch of clothes like I'm apt to do every fall/winter I think I might actually be able to do it this year.

 

It's also nice that she's asian so I have something to go off of. Being part asian does make it kind of difficult for me in finding clothes and colors that suit me, especially when it seems like every model for clothes, makeup, and hair stuff is caucasian. And I like that her style is pretty "normal" and easy to replicate. It's not high-fashion or super "hipster" yet it's something that I feel most women can like.

[MizzGee]

I really dislike cold weather, but there's something so refreshing about rain. Not the drizzly, misty type of rain, but the pouring rain that comes down in sheets and taps at your window. It's kind of like having a good hard cry at the end of a rough day. It's a good thing it's raining though, otherwise I would be tempted to go out tonight instead of studying for the physics exam next week. I really, really need to do well on this one. I just have to keep telling myself that all it really is is memorization. I can do that. Failure is not an option.

 

It was a pretty good week though. I got my test back in a class that is important for my major and I got an A on it! Very exciting. Those As have become far too rare. If I keep it up I could get an A in the class. And hopefully I'll get an A in my easier class as well. That would be great for my GPA.

 

Speaking of As, haha, A is coming over tomorrow and I want to talk to him about what's happening over my winter break... I would really like for him to come down with me for maybe three to five days but a part of me feels like that's too serious. And I still haven't met his parents even though he has said he wants me too. But when?? He is so weird about me visiting him and I don't know why... He says it is because he is embarrassed that he still lives with his parents but so many people our age live with their parents. It's not like he sits on the couch all day, eating chips and watching tv. My paranoid side wonders if he is hiding something, but what? Or is he hiding me from his parents? I don't think so, I feel like they'd be curious about where he goes during the weekends. Oh, and then there was that time his mom found my hair so yeah they probably do know about me...

 

Maybe I am being too serious. We've barely been dating seven months. It just sucks a little when so many of my friends bring home their new boyfriends during the holidays. It'd be nice to be with him a little.. I'd really like to spend time with him up here too, and finally meet his family. Sigh. I'm getting way ahead of myself. Talk to him first.

 

I'm looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving though. I miss home, but my family will probably end up driving me crazy after one day haha.

[MizzGee]

Oh man. I drank way too much last night and was so sick this morning. I can't remember the last time I was sick, it's usually such a rare thing for me to get so drunk. Must have been that whiskey. Blehh I'm finally feeling better now but the time I spent being sick was study time wasted (no pun intended

 

I talked with A about coming down for a little bit during my winter break and to my surprise he said that it "sounds amazing" and that he would love to visit I really didn't think he would be so willing! I guess it's just different to have a guy actually want to spend long amounts of time with me... But then again A isn't just any guy. He is so great and I should give him more credit since he does drive an hour almost every weekend just to see me. I can't let my fears get the best of me.

 

Ok. Enough of that. Time to study

[MizzGee]

The test was not as bad as I feared but I still don't think I did very well... I find math-related subjects to be so frustrating because it's hard for me to find correlations between different problems.. I wish I knew how to fix that. Most of the time I find myself going "What?? Where did that equation/number/step come from?" Every time I try to get help I feel like people think I am so dumb Oh well... I did my best. I just hope my best is good enough. The other exam I had today I probably studied one hour at the most and I'm sure I got at least a B. I wish math came that easily to me.

 

Also I've been wondering if I have a very minor form of trichotillomania. When I'm stressed I'll find myself pulling at my eyebrows and eyelashes, as well as breaking off split-ends in my hair. It's not so bad that I can't stop myself, but I remember in elementary school I plucked at my eyebrows so much they became patchy for a bit. I got freaked out and forced myself to stop. Then in high school I started again until I ended up pulling out a huge clump of my eyelashes and stopped out of fear they wouldn't grow back. Attractive. I guess I'll just have to monitor myself from now on to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

I'm really excited to leave tomorrow because the weather back home is lovely. High 70s all week I almost cried tears of joy when my mom told me to pack shorts. Thanksgiving is also one of my favorite holidays. Great food+seeing extended family makes me a happy camper. I really don't like it when stores just skip it and go from Halloween to Christmas. Although I guess some places celebrate black friday and cyber monday instead.

 

OMG! I just remembered this and wanted to write it down because it was so funny... I was getting lunch with A on Saturday when I found a ladybug in an area where there were no plants around. So I picked it up to move it somewhere nicer and A was jokingly trying to bump my hand to get me to drop the ladybug... So I pretended to throw it at his face and he made the FUNNIEST noise. I wish there was a way to replicate it in text but holy cow it was hilarious! He was so scared and his eyes got really huge and comical hahaha. And just like that, A's pride was shattered into a million little pieces. Poor A.

[MizzGee]

At the airport right now waiting to board.. For some reason I got a little queasy about going into the X-ray scanners. I started thinking about how when you get an X-ray at the doctor's you practically are forced to wear body armor before being scanned, yet at the airport it's just your clothes in the way of the X-rays. I wonder how safe the scanners really are? I should look it up at home. Anyways I opted out of the scanner and the lady who patted me down was SO incredibly nice. She asked me what i was doing in school and complemented my hair and clothes lol. I've never been treated so well at an airport before! I wanted to give her a hug. I was expecting anyone to pat me down to be annoyed because I was wasting their time.

 

People really underestimate how smiling and being nice to other people can really make someone's day.

[MizzGee]

What is wrong with me?

[MizzGee]

I can't believe it's only Tuesday.. I feel like I've been pmsing but its not the right week. I've been very emotional lately and I feel bloated and disgusting. Maybe it's the weather. It's supposed to rain for a week and just the thought of not seeing the sun for half that time makes me depressed. I hope I'm not getting sick.

[MizzGee]

Ran a few miles and am feeling much better now. It's still dark and cold, but I'm no longer feeling like the world is out to get me. I should also make a playlist of happy songs for whenever I get the blues. Also, I thought I saw T while on my run. Even though I was getting tired I started running so fast! Oh gosh. I haven't seen him in two years and I hope I never have to.

 

I need to keep working on not letting other people's negativity affect me. It's so strange... The negativity doesn't even have to be aimed at me but if someone walks into the room talking about how much they hate this or that it really puts me on edge. I think that's why Monica gets on my nerves so much, while my other housemates don't seem to be bothered at all.

[MizzGee]

A few thoughts that have been flying around inside my head today.....

 

1. I've been trying really hard to see my physics class for what it is, a series of lectures taught by a professor like any other class and not the slow, excruciating torture I see it as. I think my view of math-type classes is what holds me back most of the time. I decide it's going to be difficult/impossible before even taking the class, therefore it is. ugh. I just want to pass.

 

2. I ran into one of T's old roommates today, which is funny because in my last post i wrote that I thought I saw him on my run. We said hi and acted very friendly and then went on our ways. Strange how things like that happen.

 

3. At my internship, 11 of the 12 plants I propagated survived! I'm super happy about that. I repotted them and out of all of them I am most rooting for (no pun intended) the sensitive plant, bleeding heart vine, and flowering maple to survive. I would LOVE to have those plants around the house. They are so cool.

 

4. A is visiting tomorrow. He has been so sweet lately. I really love him. I'm usually not a very affectionate/gushy person but when I'm talking with him or he's around I feel like I'm going to melt into a puddle of joy. Haha. Obviously, I'm quite the poet.

I hate the day before he comes to visit though because I get so restless thinking about seeing him! Can it be tomorrow yet??

 

5. Lastly, my printer is a douche. It can never just WORK. There always has to be something wrong.

[MizzGee]

Why do people post entire albums of just themselves on facebook? Do they not realize how WEIRD and narcissistic it makes them look? They're not even artsy photos, just pictures of themselves sitting at their desk in bad lighting and making faces or trying to look like a vogue model. People can be so strange.

 

Finals panic has set in on the house today. Everyone is freaking out and starting to have meltdowns. I had a nightmare last night that I got a 14% on my physics exam. I really hope that is not the case I guess things could always be worse. Gotta keep life in perspective.

 

It was so cold this morning I didn't want to get out of bed. So I opted for just going to class in my pajamas/sweats and I still haven't changed hahaha.

[MizzGee]

Had to do a group project in class today. The control freak in me CRINGED. I can work fine in groups, but on the inside I am fighting the urge to flip a table. If you want something to be done well and right, do it on your own. That's how I've always been. If people are working under my direction, that's a different story. I'm ok with that. But it's when the direction of the project veers off the path I want to guide it toward that I start grinding my teeth. I won't say anything (maybe object a teensy bit), but I'll get this feeling that the end result won't be as good as it could have been. I need to work on this.

 

I'm really hoping that I can get a job through my internship once it is over. I've been working really hard and I think my advisor has noticed. And I haven't allowed myself to fade into the background like I'm apt to do. On Wednesday I want to ask him if I can continue working with him on future projects as well, just because it is so interesting. All I want for Christmas this year is a job. One that actually lasts me through college.

 

ENA has really taught me a lot when it comes to dealing with other people, especially romantically. A lot of people here have given me extremely helpful advice that I try to pass on to my friends but I think some of them could really use the tough love that is sometimes doled out on these forums lol. For example, Dasha is obsessed over this one guy she's known since summer. She gave him her number and they've texted a little bit, but have never hung out. And every time she sees him they just exchange friendly hellos. At first I thought he was shy or didn't know she was into him, but every time they text she is always the one who initiates and he doesn't really respond. She's tried multiple times to meet him at parties but something always comes up and he can't meet her. So now I think he's just not that interested. But how do you tell that to a friend? I've tried telling her that he's taking too much of her time and energy and to look for someone who will actually pursue her and isn't "shy." But she has her sights set on him. I guess I can relate.

[MizzGee]

Ugh, maybe I should deactivate my facebook for a bit. At least during finals. On top of people being unusually obnoxious, my weird second cousin who is about 10 years my senior keeps commenting on my pictures and sending me messages asking me how school is going and how happy he was to see me at thanksgiving. I know he's family, but something about him really creeps me out... Like I feel he doesn't see me as a relative.... I don't get this feeling about guys a lot, but when I do I'm usually the only one who senses it until they get caught doing something really creepy... Like my PE teacher who got caught for selling drugs to his students, or the tennis coach my mom thought I was being unfair about until he grabbed some girl's boobs... Yeah. I want to block him on facebook but it won't be very effective when I have to see him at every family gathering..

 

Oh, and this is rich. Last night Monica made some remark about how A can't handle his alcohol and gets too drunk all the time. Uhh, excuse me? He had three beers last weekend over a 6 hour period. And last time I checked, my boyfriend doesn't get drunk and then run around stealing mailboxes and throwing chairs through CHURCH WINDOWS. I've recently realized that for some reason she has it out for A. I'm tired of her bs.

[MizzGee]

Feeling so burnt out today. And it's not even finals week yet. I have my two hardest finals on Monday At least I'll get them over with quick. I just wish I could have more time to study. I'm going to office hours today but I don't know how much that will help.

 

I couldn't force myself to study anymore last night so I took a break and caught up on The Mindy Project. I'm starting to really like this show, it's cute. And Mindy Kaling is just so funny. I also realized that her onscreen boyfriend, Josh, is like a nerdier version of A haha. I realized that they share a similar type of deadpan, kind of offensive humor. Hmm. Too bad I'm pretty sure they're going to break up soon Things are going too well and the first season finale is coming up.

 

In other news... I just want to sleep.