Finding My Way

[MizzGee]

I can't stay angry at A for long.

 

He was visiting for the weekend and we were at a party when he ran into two friends who also happened to be visiting. I'm pretty tolerant of these friends when we're not at the party scene, but after a few drinks with them A turns into a complete a**. He ends up drinking way too much and starts acting like a jerk. His friends are both single so they're always hitting on girls and A likes to play wingman, which is fine by me. But whenever I saw him at the party he would either ignore me or treat me like an annoyance when I tried to talk to him even though I barely approached him since I wanted to give him time to catch up with his friends. So with each interaction, I got more and more irritated until I overheard him bragging to his friends when we were walking back to my place about some girl giving him her number at the party. So naturally I was really angry and started interrogating him about it, but he was pretty drunk and kept laughing and telling me that he was going to delete it. I didn't want to cause a big scene so I just started walking far ahead of him. He immediately starts doing damage-control by apologizing, trying to show me that he deleted her number, telling me he loves me, that I'm way more attractive than that other girl and she had taken his phone from him and put her number in it. I asked him if he told her that he has a girlfriend, and he just kept saying that he was sorry and didn't mean to upset me, that he loves me, etc. I was still angry so I rejected all his affections and walked back in silence.. When we got home he and his friends stayed up to talk some more but I just went to my room and wrote the above entry and went to bed.

 

I almost broke up with him. I was just so mad and felt so disrespected. I stayed awake for hours even after he went to bed just thinking about our relationship.. I don't like that he becomes a different person with these other guys, even if it is only with them. I didn't like the way he treated me at the party. Like I was some girl who was stalking him or something. I don't think he would ever cheat on me. It probably sounds naive because he allowed some girl to give him her number, but it's an ego boost for him. I think he misses partying with his college buddies. I'm sure that going out with me and my friends doesn't really cut it, but I'm not offended. I want him to hang out with his friends and to have fun. I just felt completely disrespected by the way he was acting towards me. And this hasn't been the first time that this has happened. Which makes me wonder if I should let it go.

 

In the morning we had a long talk and he apologized for upsetting me. I told him that it wasn't him talking to other girls that makes me angry. He can talk to whoever he wants. It was the way he acted towards me, and the weird looks he was giving me that pushed me to getting upset. And that I don't like how he acts with those particular friends. I said that maybe I just shouldn't party with him and his friends because we always seem to fight when they're around. He said maybe, but that he is still sorry. I said I was sorry for flipping out and that i could have handled things better... I asked him if we're ok and he laughed and said he hopes so, because I was the one who was angry. And then that he may have known his friends longer than me, but that he honestly loves me more. I thought that was really sweet of him...

 

After that everything went back to normal. I love him so much and I know he loves me back. The only times I've gotten ridiculously mad at him were times when those two friends were around. But I can't help but feel a little bit conflicted. I want to be a good girlfriend but I also don't want to lose my self-respect. I want to be able to have the strength to pull the plug if it's not working anymore... I'm probably just over thinking this. He is great and kind and generous 99.99% of the time. I think his self-esteem is low right now due to several factors, and I think the fact that he and his friend are still thinking about going on that trip is making me worry.

 

I would go on a run to burn off stress but it's already dark outside. I'm so over studying...

[MizzGee]

It is amazing to me how some people just can't seem to empathize with others. Scary too, since I've always thought that a person's ability to be empathetic is a pretty good measure of their humanity.

 

Taking a break from studying. It is so cold here. Can't wait for it to be spring

 

I love it when A tells stories from his childhood. They sound like plot lines for movies similar to The Sandlot and Stand By Me.

 

My plan to drink more water is proving to be a lot harder than expected. I hate going to the bathroom. It's such a waste of time lol.

[MizzGee]

I just realized that in my ideal situation, I would live alone. Roommates are annoying, no matter who you live with. I think the reason I like living with so many people is because I don't have to be in the middle of everything all the time. How on earth could I ever move in with a boyfriend/husband? I think I'd end up murdering him.

 

I got a little sick. It's not bad, but annoying enough. I can't tell if it's going away because I just got a little bit of the sniffles even though I've had a scratchy throat for a few days now.

 

I don't know what I'm gonna do about A. I've been having back and forth thoughts about him all week. I love him. But sometimes he drives me crazy. I wish I could just turn off my brain.

 

Actually, it would all be so much easier if he still lived here. God. Living an hour away isn't bad and I should be grateful it isn't 6 hours or more but sometimes it makes me want to scream! I can never just call him and see if he wants to come over and make a late dinner. We can't get five dollar sushi on thursdays or two dollar movies on tuesdays or watch the music in the park... Now every time he comes over there has to be a plan or something to do so that our time isn't spent sitting on the couch thinking of things to do. I don't want to overwhelm him with texts or make him feel obligated to talk to me all the time but I just miss him. I miss squeezing in those twenty minutes between our classes and then being late to class anyways because we take too long to say goodbye. I miss being able to drive over to his place. I miss doing things without a plan.