Talking to an Alcoholic Friend

[Firiel]

So, I'm in grad school right now. This school year I've become closer friends with an acquaintance from last year-- let's call him Dan. So earlier this year, I realized Dan is a functioning alcoholic. While we have never talked about it, it's pretty clear to me as well as to the other folks who share our office (we are both graduate assistants). I can give examples of things that have happened, but I don't want to get too personal. I told myself it wasn't really my place to say anything, considering we are just buddies. Not confidants, not family, just friends. However, things seem to be getting worse. He talks about drinking more often. He has mentioned that he still might be drunk from the night before a few times in the middle of the week-- in other words, I'm seeing the "functioning" part of "functioning alcoholic" slowly disappear. My roommate and I had a dinner party last night, and when he left, I don't think he should have been driving (we didn't provide any alcohol, by the way). I'm starting to think that I really do need to talk with him about what he's doing... I'm starting to think that if I want to be a real friend to him, I need to sit him down and tell him I'm worried about him and his behaviors. We are adults, so he is far from his family... he is new to the area so doesn't have a lot of long term friends here... and his closest friends are (you guessed it!) usually at the bars with him.

 

So should I step in here? Obviously, I can't force him to do anything, but I think he's kind of spiraling out of control, and I don't want to see that happen to him.

[lavenderdove]

First, if you think he's actually been drinking that day, don't try to have a conversation with him then. It won't penetrate at all.

 

You might want to wait until he brings it up himself, for example, if he says he may come in drunk, don't launch into a big lecture, but say, 'don't you think that could jeopardize your career if you're coming to work drunk? You need to be careful with that because you will need recommendations from professors etc.' Then you can gently ask him a few questions about how often he drinks etc. and see how receptive he is to a talk about that.

 

You can also use examples like, 'i used to drink a lot more when i was younger until i realized it was really affecting me and the hangovers were proof of how badly it trashes the body..' so try to just be open and get him talking about it, with gentle suggestions that maybe he should first try to cut back ane only drink on weekends or at parties rather than all the time or alone.

 

Lots of young people do get out of control in school but eventually realize they've crossed the line and need to ramp back. Many are 'party animals' in college and don't necessarily need a serious rehab or to stop drinking entirely, just to grow up and realize that behavior is not good for them, so you need to try to gently talk to him at first to ascertain what is really going on with him.

[Firiel]

Definitely good advice not to talk to him if he's been drinking. The thing about the what I put in bold... he's not exactly a "young person" anymore. I mean, he's 30... so definitely not just a young party animal. I'm worried about him driving drunk and hurting someone, honestly.

[becomingkate]

The illness itself is so shameful, most alcoholics will use the conversation as an excuse that it upset him and therefore because he's upset, he deserves a drink. He can avoid shame by turning it around on you. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

Does he get health insurance? Is there an employee assistance network that he can call?

 

While we have never talked about it, it's pretty clear to me as well as to the other folks who share our office

 

This happened to my late husband when he worked at an engineering firm. At one point, he was "functioning" and others noticed it but no one knew what to do. He went downhill fast and they fired him a few months later. He used the severance to start his own company (where no one held him accountable) and he died a year later. I tried to suggest rehab, but with no back up, he just resented me for trying to "send him away."

 

After he died, I received a letter from one of the engineers. He said he didn't know how special Dale was until the funeral, when all his karate students and instructors from all over Canada lined up in their gi's to bow and pay respect to their Sensei.

 

When I wrote back, I asked why didn't the company send him to rehab, instead of firing him? Why didn't they tell him how valuable he was, and that he was worth the trouble? The engineer wrote back and said that he would make a promise to me - that he would never again look the other way if he saw that one of his engineers was in trouble.

 

I don't know if your co-worker can be saved, but there must be something/someone who can look into it. Some kind of program. At the very least, I might look into what's available to employees or speak to HR to see if there's something to help.