Is my situation different, or am I foolin?

[SanShou]

Ok so here it is, I finally signed up here because I definitely need to communicate and figure this thing out... Well I recently lost my sweetheart my angel to time and distance. She is 20 and I 27, We were apart 1000 miles for over a year, and saw each other like every two/three months. Before that we lived together for a year and pretty much were like a happily married couple, then last year I took off to graduate school, many miles away.

 

We did the best we could talking on the phone, some email, and got through the school year complaining but happily in love. then i went abroad for summer semester, she came and visited for a week, we had a blast, but she also was looking to study abroad the coming year, so this turned into an issue and we pretty much avoided dealing with it, then she left, and a week later she calls me and says she could not take anymore and ends it. she very emphatically denies its a real breakup and says its not over for good. She just needed some time alone. Still says how much she loves me and wants me as her partner in life.

 

Whole thing really devastated me, thought we could withstand distance/time, but i was definitely disillusioned. Its been two and half months, and she has hung out with a few guys, but I dont think they have been anything serious. I myself did same, but dont want to continue that, want to try to mend things, but know time is necessary. We are still 1000 miles apart, is it even possible? Did she break up because she wants see others? Also we talk, on the phone, I am horrible with no contact rule, and keep callin her! There is no reciprocity, also she says alot of things she never follows through with. But our conversations still very intimate, saying how much we love each other, marriage down the road, and cant wait to see each other, so I might go see her soon, is it a bad idea? Am really torn, want to fight for our love, but sick of no calls from her, no sleep,... and want to change my own perspective on "us" if need be, maybe there really is no us... I just dont understand why she says she loves me so much, its been three months and I asked her to be straight with me, has she fallen out of love with me? She says no not that at all, she needs to focus on school and such and needs time alone.. we talked very seriously about marriage last time we were together.

 

Things have been a viscious cycle for me, I get worked up about things she said in past or want to get answers out of her so I end up callin her to see what is going on, I sent a long letter over email of which she never responded to. Bothers the hell out of me... Maybe I am being played, or maybe she really is just trying to distance herself. Just dont understand the break thing when we are separated anyways and live separately anyways... Have been horrible with no contact got to stop being weak... always scared that if I dont contact her and remind her of me, she will meet someone or something. thats my biggest fear... dont want to lose her, although the odds are really stacked against us...

[J-man8]

Im dealing with basically the same thing, i wish i had soem advice for yah, but if i did i wouldnt be in the same spot. But just so you know your not alone

[melrich]

Well the first thing I would say is she is only 20 and this is an age of freedom and self discovery. No 20 year old wants to be tied down in a relationship that is separated by 1000 miles. They want to get out and have fun and experience life. A relationship means commitment and answerability.

 

Second thing I'd say is that you are donig everything wrong by continually calling her and emailing long letters to her. This is exactly what she is trying to tell you not to do. Back off and let her have her freedom and fun, let her find out who she is. If there are genuine feelings on her side she will make them known to you and maybe you will be able to pick up your relationship when you are closer together. Right now the best thing you can do is give her space and time to grow.

[J-man8]

haha girls dont know what the f they want

[cassiana]

Well Jman im a girl and I know what I want. Dont generalise. Theres lots of guys who don't know what they want either. My ex for example.

 

However back to the main issue. Your story is very similar to alot of stories here. She is young and it has been a strain LDRs are even if you are having a great time when you meet. Give her some time to sort her thoughts out.

[Cougar_20]

LDR's are very very hard, more so for girls I think. My girl and I made it through two years until her wondering mind finally got the best of her and we broke up. She is 21 and has had a boyfriend since the age of 14, so I guess I understand where she is coming from. You just have to let them go and let them come back to you. Stop conversing with her immediately and let her have her space.

[jch4711]

i'm in almost the exact same situation except the distance is a little closer and our age gap isn't as large. We were together for pretty much 2 years, the first year together and the second LDR because I left for grad school.

 

Gradually the distance started to wear on her and the pain she used to feel about not being able to see my constantly translated to a loss of passion for the relationship in her. I think she's just getting used to the situation, but that's for her to realize. I've said everything I could to her and really, it's up to the girl to determine whether or not they want to tough out another year or two (whatever it is) of long distance because it is a BIG committment.

 

It's been a little over a month for me and I have to admit, it hasn't been too much NC. I've held back, but she'll contact every so often and i'll respond. We've met up once and all of these experiences have been positive. She's going on a 2 week roadtrip with some girlfriends soon so hopefully that will be a good time for reflection for her.

 

In the meantime, i'm really just working on myself and being a better person which she is actually seeing through our chance encounters. She's been very complimentry lately and I just say "thank you". Be patient and be strong...give her some time and space.

[SanShou]

Yes guys she is young, but she has actually done alot of the stuff that people do at her age when she was younger. She is actually mature for her age, that is the only only reason I settled with her, because I knew she was capable of thinking on a different level. But maybe I was wrong. Sometimes you only see what you want to see. I am trying no contact, but really it seems stupid to me, considering our distance. Communication is important is it not, especially with LDR? We have not seen each other for almost two months now. I really want to go visit her... You know let my presense be known. Is that another way of giving in? Should I hold out from seeing her? My luck is she would start seeing someone else..

[jch4711]

Sanshou, trust me, the only thing you can really worry about is yourself right now. I know the urge is to be curious about what she's doing etc., but you really have to be able to let go before you can rebuild. This doesn't mean forget about her or stop hoping you can get together. You just need time for yourself to heal and believe that you can be happy with OUT this person. True, you may be happier with them, but your happiness should not hinge on her alone.

 

As with you, my gf is a few years younger than me and has her doubts about whether or not she wants to settle down just yet. She is also very mature for her age and has done her fair share already, but yet the fact remains she is young.

 

As for contact, when you think you're strong enough emotionally to contact her W/O discussing the relationship etc., then perhaps drop her a line. OR, if there are major occasions such as her bday or a holiday, send her a card or a short note. Don't mention the relationship at all. Keep it light and simple.

 

After a few weeks of NC, i felt better myself and contacted my ex gf. We talked and it was great. We joked and talked like before. In fact, since that time, she's been able to put her defenses down and we've talked a lot more. (almost always she initiates because i'm still trying to do NC to an extent...pretty much limited contact). You can't let them feel pressured at all when they talk to you because otherwise it becomes a stressful situation. You want them to be as free and natural when you communicate. This will actually help with them hopefully realizing all your good qualities or how you've grown and changed and why they fell in love with you in the beginning.

 

My ex gf is goinig through some tough times and transitions in her life right now so i've just tried to be very supportive and help her (as a friend) however I can. She's appreciated it and has actually been very complimentry towards me lately. As much as I want to think we're rounding the corner, I have to take everything for face value and just keep taking baby steps. Once you can build up her trust again, then you can start communicating with her. I know it's hard and that everytime you talk to her you want to say "i love you" but whatever you do, don't. Thats why you need to take time for yourself to heal emotionally first.

 

Fortunately for me, the next few weeks should kick start some sort of reaction one way or another. She's about to leave for a 2 week road trip with 2 of her girlfriends and returning on the day of her and my bday. I've arranged for her brother to give her her bday present from me accidently before she leaves, to give her something to think about while on the road.

 

I got her a print by this one artist that she really likes but has never been able to afford. I found a print so it was much cheaper. No one else but me knows she likes this artist so while this gift isn't romantic per se, it is very personal and sentimental. Whats more, i've actually gotten in touch with the artist herself and she's written a letter of encouragement and wishing my ex a happy bday. Since the letter is the more important of the two, she'll get that on the actual bday when she returns.

 

Good luck and feel free to PM or email me to talk some more. I know what you're going through and it sucks. I've spoken to a lot of friends and have gotten a lot of feedback myself. Take care.

[SanShou]

Whassup buddy? Sounds like you know exactly what I am feeling.. Well here is the thing, we agreed on me going to visit her next week. Should I back out of that? I am pretty sure its what we both want. I almost see it as my last stand because really there is no converging after this, we are going to be apart at least for the upcoming future, that is something i am coming to terms with. She called last night a couple times. But I did not return her call. So taht is my dilemma. I know I should play it cool and give her space, but damn you know that is what our whole relationship has been for the past year, that is WHY we are where we are , because of no contact in the sense we have been apart. I just fail to see how staying away from her is going to actually inspire the relationship. I know it would help me, and I guess that is important, but really I want to see if there is possibility for the future, so I am scared of losing it now while there is still a lot to work with, know what i mean?

[jch4711]

Hey man, I know how you're feelin because i'm going through it right now too, almost to a T. I don't think you should back out on visiting her. I actually went and saw my ex for the first time since the breakup about 3 weeks after it took place. The 3 weeks before were hell on me. I had very little contact and was going through a roller coaster of emotions.

 

Quick question, how much longer are you going to be in grad school? Do you definitely plan on going back afterwards?

 

I went back and just shot her a quick email to let her know I was in town and asked if she wanted to hang out. I left the ball in her court to respond and come up with something. She suggested dinner the next day. I was pretty nervous going into it, but the actual dinner itself was REALLY good. There was no awkwardness at all and we both had a good time laughing and talking like before.

 

It wasn't until we were about to leave that I brought up anything. As expected, she was pretty defensive at first about the situation and the decision she made, however I reassured her that I wasn't asking for her back. I just wanted to tell her that I understand what she's doing. I may not like it, but I understand and have an appreciation for it. A relationship is a 2 way street. You can't force someone who doesn't want to be in one, to stay. It wouldn't be fair for you if she wasn't 100% committed especially since this is long distance. I also talked about how I know some of the things I did or didn't do could have helped make the distance easier on her and I apologized for them, told her i've learned that i'm a better person for it. I also told her that I knew it was all in the past and nothing changes, but just that moving forward, I will be better. (more the person that she wanted me to be. More sensitive and compassionate towards her feelings).

 

At the end of the night, she thanked me and we just hugged. She im'ed me that night telling me how nice it was to see me. It was just a start and if it weren't for me being able to be composed with my emotions, I don't think she would have been as comfortable and receptive.

 

So basically what i'm saying is DO go see her, but be careful not too be too emotional. If you want to talk about your relationship, don't do it in a way where she feels pressured. This is not a chance for you to win her back. This is a chance for a new beginning. Show her why she fell in love with you in the first place.

 

I felt the same way as you in thinking that since there's already the distance btw us, NC will just make it worse. Well...it has and it hasn't. If you truly had a strong relationship before and a strong love bond, she can't just forget about you regardless of what you perceive is going on in her life. You CAN still remain a presense in her life (when you're ready) by the occasional contact here and there. Perhaps a call or email every few weeks. Be her friend. I don't know about you, but my ex and I were essentially best friends too while we were together. She still wanted and needed support to get through the tough times she was going through and all i'm doing is just being supportive of her.

 

It takes a lot of patience. Thats the hardest thing for me to do because i'm rather impatient by nature, but honestly, if you feel what you had was true, then just be patient and maintain a presense in her life as a friend. (but it's really key that you have to also heal and be able to control your own emotions. be prepared for the worst)

 

I hope this helps.

[SanShou]

THanks for the advice again man. I think I will go see her. It has been about two months. I just wish I had been better about no contact in the past. Anyways, your situation sounds pretty similar and you sound like your handling it good. It seems you have established a resolve within yourself, its just scary thoguh considering you might be in for the long haul. I hope she is worth it. I myself am very impatient and that has really been holding me back with yself. I guess in a way I have been taking it easy on myself, but you know after a while, youhave to learn to discipline yourself. That actually is the hardest part.

 

 

But that is what makes you a man, when you can pick yourself up after the toughest blow. I still have a long way to go, and really i am ashamed of myself considering this is the third relationship I have been in. I have taken alot of pain just because I have not been able to suck it up. I guess the reaity is that i am fightin everything instead of going with the flow, got to flow with life including this. I am really going to try hard to be her friend when i am there. I did good myself when i saw her last and kept cool, i think it made her realize somethings, she even said that it was a tease... she always wants to see me, maybe that is the needy side of her wanting to take the positive from me. We will see how it goes, but honestly this is what it comes down to whether things go good or bad, which i am sure they will go good, they always do when we are together, i will still have to leave her after a little while. I htink that is really why she gave up on things. I wont be done with grad school until next march/april, so that is the reality. Maybe this all just a true test, I have no prolem looking at it like that. Problem is I know I will be kickin and screamin cause still think the whole thing is unfair. But that is life, that is what makes you stronger, it seems you have learened that lesson. That is good for you. It is refreshing to know that you are alone and can make it in the world, its just that you are attached to what comforted you in the past. I really need to stop trying to control her, her life, and us, and try to controll myself. that is key. so in a way I know that seeing her is kind of bad, because then it kind of sets you back in your personal private growth. Everything you do is kind of this fake real nice composed way of acting instead of letting out your true emotions with your love, but I guess I already have done the roller coaster ride so it is time to respect each other and take it easy and be relaxed. Its a viscious cycle, this thing called l o v e. It is very powerful, you wonder why the hell you get ack into it when you ve been through it with others before.. you know...thanks for your advice bro, it really does help, and it helps to hear you are doing well, and that you have confidence.