Mutual breakup, know it is for the best, feeling hideous

[josieleeinnyc]

I'm mid-to late-20s, gave an ultimatium. make me #1 in your life or I've gotta go. He had too many committments - family, work, friends, and family again. Only thing is that we were together 5 years and we lived together for 4 of those years. I am moving out ASAP and I'm just amazed. I initiated the breakup, in fact I said it. I'm irritated -- I mean I just want to be someone's #1... that isn't too much to ask for is it? I wasn't asking for a ring or anything. You know when you feel like you break up and no one can possibly be feeling worse than you?? Oh and yes, I have no family here, they are all about 300 miles away.

I'd love to hear any feedback. thanks.

[itsmec]

What do you mean number 1? Does he have another woman? Is he neglecting you?

[josieleeinnyc]

no, no other women. this was a 5+ year relationship. just feeling like the most important thing in his life... that kind of #1. no abuse, nothin'. actually i was really happy except that everytime there was a fight, it came down to the issue of me wanting to feel more important... like he was super important to me and i wanted to feel the same from him....felt like i was always chasing him, wanting his attention, trying to get his time to be for us, while everyone else was pulling him in different ways, (family) and i don't like to compete. I'm not going to say how someone should/shouldn't act w/ their family.. i think family is very important, but when you;ve got such a serious relationship, living together for 4+ years...you've gotta make a priority to your partner, right? kinda confused right now

[tiger_lilies]

You absolutely right. You have to feel like you're no. 1 in his books. If you feel like you're competing for his attention all the time, well, that's how it's going to be when you get married as well.

 

Stick to your guns about this. I assume that you've obviously thought about this long and hard before you finally made your decision right? I know it's hard, but you know what you want, so go for it!

 

Hopefully he's come to his senses and realize how important you are in his life and that he'll make a real effort to put you first!

[Venturer]

You know, I'm reading this book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" ... our fellow member and moderator OceanEyes sold me on it, she should be in sales ...

 

Anyway, the book said somewhere that giving too much is not good, while giving too little is not good either. There's a balance, an in-between. If one partner is giving too much to the other, the other takes it for granted and appreciates it less and less. So maybe if that fits what you are doing, you might want to allow him more space and time to himself and not try so hard to "compete" for his attention. He may come back to you, and he will if he thinks you are important in his life...