Lessons from my single life: may be helpful for you as you heal

[goodheartlady]

I ended relationship about 3 months ago and just started dating.

 

I am noticing a very interesting trend. The more that the men "chase" after me the less interested I am.

 

One guy I met last week at a networking event send me one email yesterday, a text message yesterday afternoon, and just emailed me again. I had been out of town and just came back to 3 communications in about 24 hours.

 

He is a great guy by all means, but all this aggressive communication is really turning me off. Part of me is wondering if he is desperate for attention and has issue respecting boundaries.

 

Why does this matter for you? Are you doing any of this aggressive "reaching out" to your ex? Are you sending multiple emails and messages despite no reply?

 

Take it from me - it does not make you look better. Take a deep breath and think about how you would feel if someone relentless pursued you, and can't give me a break from the emotional turmoil. Give you ex space and time to heal as well.

 

If you are not doing any of these things, I congratulate you. You are doing the right thing.

[Monkey ai]

Thanks for share your story; I get your points, in some parts do agree with you, if you are too available, other side will not felt interesting it. But I want to say, in same token, you are not attracted to him, if you do, you will be very happy to hear from him.

 

post BU 9 mos now, and first 3 mos I was not available emotionally, so I pushed all the guys away on purpose... last few months I went out with many guys, they are nice, but I don't felt the connections, even I tried, did not work, only one guy I felt attracted, but he is too young for me, we are not in same place to want same things, so I decide not pursuit relationship, but it was passion moment that I hope I will experience with right guy in the future...

 

For all the recent BU(Dumpees), I do suggest that you are stay away from your ex for long time, when you have desire to get back with your ex, you will always felt short - your ex will be always in up handed, the pain that you go through will be unbearable. Take time to heal and I always believe if it is yours, it will be always yours, if not maybe never is... good luck with everyone, I know how you feel, I have been there for pass 9 mos... xx

[SpiritofFire]

I do agree with you. I'll admit I have done aggressive "reaching out" and no it didn't work in my favor, in fact it made me feel even worse. It's like gambling, the more money you loose, the more you want to work harder on getting it back to the point of obsessiveness. It sucks for both parties, but one thing you need to understand it's difficult to control that behavior especially when one is attached, and there is no need to blame the other person. It's annoying for both parties and I've been on both sides of the coin before. And yes, it's a turn off and solidified even further why you are not returning to this person. It's messed up.

 

I understand ex wishes to have a space, but the other person perhaps is looking for closure to heal themselves. Also the other half needs to be firm and respond with seriousness of having that space, instead of ignoring someone who was close to you at one point as if they don't exist anymore. Even kind reminders to that person that your feelings has changes and you are not looking to continue further the relationship would be more humane, than cold ignorance, because obviously the other person hasn't been able to move on, unlike the other party had. All in all, I am just saying there is two sides to this. Kindness and consideration needs to be in place + maturity.

[Nadven]

I understand ex wishes to have a space, but the other person perhaps is looking for closure to heal themselves. Also the other half needs to be firm and respond with seriousness of having that space, instead of ignoring someone who was close to you at one point as if they don't exist anymore. Even kind reminders to that person that your feelings has changes and you are not looking to continue further the relationship would be more humane, than cold ignorance, because obviously the other person hasn't been able to move on, unlike the other party had. All in all, I am just saying there is two sides to this. Kindness and consideration needs to be in place + maturity.

 

I could see my ex trying to be tactful and kind when she replied to my "reaches", but she would often let her emotions take over and say very rude and insulting things to me. Please be kind to your ex!

[SpiritofFire]

I could see my ex trying to be tactful and kind when she replied to my "reaches", but she would often let her emotions take over and say very rude and insulting things to me. Please be kind to your ex!

 

I hear ya! Everyone is different and it requires a different type of approach and tactics, but kindness still applies. She could have been confused, lost, pissed off, and didn't know what she was doing, but later to realize what she has done was wrong. We all do it, only regretting it later. So give it a break, but be mindful.