Is there any way to make this better?

[MN322]

So if you stroll on over to the age gap forum, you will find my original post from months ago. I had got tons of advice from people here, family and friends and ultimately made my own choice to just go with it as a budding friendship with a neighbor and to push my feelings aside, it was not worth the risk to me. I never asked him to do anything for his birthday, or anytime, ever. Just hung out in the yard as usual, having tons of laughs and fun.

Aug21 was the last day we had a actual at length chat. It was nearly 2 hours and such a good time. He told me that day about his second surgery. How it was coming up in Sept and he would know the day soon so I asked him if he wanted me to bring my dogs by like I did for surgery 1.He just smiled and said ok. We parted ways, on seemingly a good note. Now around this time, he was also going back to work PT until surgery and he was busy with football season with his friends son. So we didn't talk for a long time. He had given me a number (which I know assume was fake) when I asked but I never used it, out of respect, I asked for it for a reason, a reason that was not needed so I ended up just throwing it out. I preferred talking in person anyway.

Well I seen him out mowing on labor day and quickly just asked if he heard about his surgery and he said what day it was and that it was fine to still come by with the dogs and visit. Then another 2 or so weeks passed and I tried to drop by his house to wish him well and offer my help if he needed anything but he was gone so much, I never bothered. So after talking with some people, I decided on a card. I hated the card idea but I felt it was the only option at that point.

It was a blank card. Inside I wrote "best of luck with the surgery, and a fast recovery. Please let me know if you need help with anything, I am here if you need it. I really appreciate your kindness to me and my dogs and hope we are friends for years to come. We will see you soon" and I signed it from me and the dogs. I put my number at the end "in case you need anything" and this was NOT anything more than a kindness, I give my # to many people, especially when they might be in need of something.

 

Anyway... so we went by, a week after surgery and he was outside, so I asked if it was a ok time to visit and he said "Im busy" and because of the tone, I was worried... so I asked 'Am I bothering you?' and he said "YES!" and then went off on me. He was upset with the card because it was "Cutsey" and he called it "junior high infatuation" and he said it was sick of the cards, the only other card he got was one for his bday from my dogs, which he claimed to love..... Anyway... he said firmly a few times "we are NOT friends, or friends for years to come. we are neighbors. i liked you as a neighbor" then he was angry I put my # in there, which I NEVER said anything with the word call or text, it was not implied in anyway but a kindness to help. he could of called from a payphone for all I cared. He was mad that I asked for his #, which was way back in July and I was like, well why did you say yes? And he said to avoid drama, which there so would not of been if he said no. Then he said "I am NOT your go to guy, if something happens, you call 9-1-1- I have enough problems with my mom" and then he threw the age gap at me which also had nothing to do with the card.... "I am 50, you are 30" and I was in shock so I didn't say much but I was thinking, duh... and it has not been a problem since April, so ***? Then he was mad about a joke I made the night in August, he was being silly and talking about stabbing someone with a screwdriver and I said sarcastically, "oh great, i made friends with the crazy guy, you dont know which window is mine, do you?" it was NOT a come on, hell I live with my parents and brothers, nothing would be happening like that here. It was simply a joke to play off him. Anyway he goes "You asked if I know which room is yours, I dont care!"

 

He then said he did like my dogs and then went in the house. I am not sure if this was a burst of anger not truly directed to me but because I came at a bad time and I had bothered him... idk.. but anyway, I honestly was just trying to be kind, even with the friend comment, I didnt mean hang out, friend can many things to different people. Some people are saying he truly never liekd me but I can't believe he would of been fake nice to me all these months for nothing. He had to think I was a nice and friendly person, he gave me no indication he was annoyed with me. So I was really shocked and I felt like ****. This is what I wanted to avoid.

 

Anyway... do you think it will blow over? I wish I could of said my side and explained things. I never meant to upset or scare him. I just wanna know if you think there is a chance to be civil, especially since we share a fence and I see him around alot. I hate walking by his house on my walks with my head to the ground. I dont wanna make eye contact too soon so he thinks I am stalking him or whatever he was assuming by the card. I guess to me, my gesutures where things Id do for any neighbor, any co worker etc... in a similar situation. Can anyone give advice? I feel horrible about this and just wish I could undo my stupidity and make things right.

[DN]

I can't see where you did anything wrong - it seems very weird that he would react like that.

[MN322]

I can't see where you did anything wrong - it seems very weird that he would react like that.

 

My grandma's theory and a few rare others, is he liked me but could not deal with the age gap and his feelings or something so he lashed out, which makes sense in a way considering the weird things he brought up but I dont get why he would be mad at me about it. I wish we could of talked about it like adults.

 

The only thing that is really "odd" to me is how he obsessed over it. The card was given TEN days before I visited, yet he was fixated on it enough to remember things and throw it out at me and then going back to July to bring things up and the age was brought up in April... so idk I guess he thought about me more than I realized, I just had no idea I bothered him, we seemingly had a blast together and most times HE started the chats with me

[lilylilylily]

I think people tend to react to unexpected things with 'suspicion' and 'apprehension'... he could have just viewed your card as a 'oh that neighbour wants something from me' sort of way.

 

I'm sure it'll blow over soon once he realizes it was just a friendly gesture (especially now its off his chest).

[MN322]

Does anyone have any advice on how to try to "mend fences" for the sake of being civil?

[becomingkate]

Maybe his lady friend saw the card at the hospital and suddenly announced her intentions, or maybe he started freaking about the age gap. Personally, I'd leave the ball in his court and see what he does.

[MN322]

He wasn't at the hospital, it was a day surgery, I gave it to him at home and he read it in his home. I get freaking about the gap, but not if we were "just neighbors" or "friends" then who cares? So maybe he did have feelings for me, because if he thought I had some from him, I am some kind of magician, I have no idea any of the messages or signals I did that gave that off. I was being friendly like I am to everyone. Oh I will, it would mean much more if he initiated something someday. I just worry he is gonna be angry if we dont resolve this and report my dogs for barking or something. I am just really upset I didnt get to say my peace. So mad at myself for being speechless.

[becomingkate]

I think that by now, he's either feeling bad for blowing up at you, or relieved that he's finally said what he wanted to say. By leaving him alone, it'll give him some time to mull everything over.

 

I don't think he'll report your dogs, and because winter is approaching fast, it's likely you won't see him much until spring. Hopefully by then, he'll want to be friends again.