Am I wrong to feel so strongly about this?

[Vilkata]

Ok, for the majority of this, it is going to seem like I am overdone, but I assure you there is a 'punchline' that makes it at least in my view make sense. So please, hear me out.

 

My relationship, apart from what I am about to say, is a complicated but solid setup, and far to much to go into here, though I will gladly answer any questions that are relevant.

 

I have been with the same woman for four years. For the first half year, she was quite sexually active. However, for the first 2 weeks, she was cybering daily with my then best friend, something she told me months later. She also told an ex that she still loved him. She also told me at one point to come read a message this ex had 'written for me;' It was about how great she was at giving head.

 

Ok, all of these things I can deal with. After the first 6 or so months, she got pregnant, and immediately stopped wanting to have sex. Then when she gave birth, she wanted to for the two months she took to get pregnant again. In the year and a half since, she has no longer wanted to.

 

Again, I can deal with this situation.

 

She tells me, during this time, that if I watch porn, it bothers her because I am 'cheating' because I am having to go elsewhere to have my needs met.

 

Then, this 50 Shades craze happened; now this is where I want to be clear. I don't 'personally' care that she is reading it. To be a bit chauvinist, "I don't care where she gets her appetite as long as she comes home for the meal.'

 

I DO care, that she will sit here for hours and read it right in front of me, even though it is something she defines as cheating. I do care that I, as a submissive and her as more dominant, have been asking for a certain 'style' or to at least try things out, but she always refuse for a variety of reasons none of which were 'she was uncomfortable with it' but after reading those books, she aks me to do all those sorts of things and said she was getting bored with our personal life, when I have been asking for some of these same things for literally years and been turned down.

 

Again, to clarify, the 'issues' don't bother me; the hypocracy and the unbalanced situation, do.

 

Tips? Advice?

[emma34]

It sounds to be the real problem is that you two aren't having sex enough and since you aren't having sex enough you are getting annoyed and resentful and compiling other issues. my recommendation would be to just do it and don't talk about it so much.

[becomingkate]

For the first half year, she was quite sexually active. However, for the first 2 weeks, she was cybering daily with my then best friend, something she told me months later. She also told an ex that she still loved him. She also told me at one point to come read a message this ex had 'written for me;' It was about how great she was at giving head.

 

Is this her first serious relationship? Her behaviour is completely inappropriate.

 

She tells me, during this time, that if I watch porn, it bothers her because I am 'cheating' because I am having to go elsewhere to have my needs met.

 

I had a BF a long time ago that used to accuse me of cheating, every weekend that he blew me off. We'd have plans, which he'd cancel. I'd go out with friends instead. If we saw each other on Monday, he'd make accusations against me, but HE was the one cheating. I thought it was strange, but later discovered he was sociopathic and extremely self-centered. Maybe you GF is worried that you'll get even with her in regard to her earlier behaviour.

 

I DO care, that she will sit here for hours and read it right in front of me, even though it is something she defines as cheating.

 

I would feel bad if my husband watched tons of porn online while ignoring me in bed. But if he read a copy of Penthouse Forum, then sidled up to me with a gleam in his eye, I'd probably just run with it.

[Vilkata]

It sounds to be the real problem is that you two aren't having sex enough and since you aren't having sex enough you are getting annoyed and resentful and compiling other issues. my recommendation would be to just do it and don't talk about it so much.

 

I would be relatively ok with infrequent sex if I had the same outlets she affords herself.

[Vilkata]

Is this her first serious relationship? Her behaviour is completely inappropriate.

 

 

 

I had a BF a long time ago that used to accuse me of cheating, every weekend that he blew me off. We'd have plans, which he'd cancel. I'd go out with friends instead. If we saw each other on Monday, he'd make accusations against me, but HE was the one cheating. I thought it was strange, but later discovered he was sociopathic and extremely self-centered. Maybe you GF is worried that you'll get even with her in regard to her earlier behaviour.

 

 

 

I would feel bad if my husband watched tons of porn online while ignoring me in bed. But if he read a copy of Penthouse Forum, then sidled up to me with a gleam in his eye, I'd probably just run with it.

 

Nope, she dated the mentioned ex for 4 years, and was with another guy for almost 2.

 

And yes, as I stated in the OP, I don't care where she gets her motivation from, but have issue with her openly doing something that she takes to an extreme at even the thought of me doing the same.

 

Another related issue that I should have mentioned in the OP, she also wants to 'try a woman' out but 'would feel to awkward and jealous if I were there" but even in this case offers me no 'fair alternative.'

[pl3asehelp]

So your woman is illogical and controlling. She's going to continue manipulating you like she has in the past until you break. It's cool that you've been able to 'deal' with all of the previous sketchy behavior and manipulation in the past, but don't pretend it hasn't happen. It's directly related to the current situation you can't deal with. Maybe you should look at those other situations and think about how they relate to this one and to the overall dynamic between you and her. If I do that, what I see is a relationship where she gets to do whatever she wants, no matter how obviously inappropriate and inconsiderate it is to you, and you tolerate it. Since that's the pattern you've established for how the two of you interact in the relationship, it's going to be very difficult to break for this one type of offense that you can't deal with.

[becomingkate]

I agree. And the biggest red flag here is wanting to try a woman. WTH? I'd be out of there so fast!

[Vilkata]

I agree. And the biggest red flag here is wanting to try a woman. WTH? I'd be out of there so fast!

 

When she brought this up at first, she wanted to try a woman, and wanted to on her own. As in I would not be involved, because she would feel too jealous at me being with someone else. It took me 3 months to talk her into, if this did happen, I could at least watch or maybe join. She entertained this idea for about a year, then signed up for several(3 or 4 I can't remember) dating sites(to be fair, as a couple) to try and make this happen, though didn't tell me for what she says was 'only' a few weeks after she had signed up for them, and after a few months of not really bothering with it, again brings up that she wants to on her own again, once again with me having no such freedoms.

[camus154]

Your problem is that you have continued to involve yourself with a low value woman.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but let's not dance around the elephant in the room. You were ok with staying with a woman who did such atrocious things to you at first, you were ok with having children with this same woman, you were ok with staying with her while your own sexual needs were neglected, you were ok with her wanting to experiment with other women.

 

But now you're asking about double standards and hypocrisy as they relate to such things as "50 Shades of Grey"?

 

I'm afraid that if you continue to remain with this woman, you can expect a lifetime of this. This is what you're signing up for.

[EQIQ]

Okay... let's get serious.

 

I am not okay with porn, I used to watch a lot of pron in the past, etc etc. I am not for porn. So don't take what I am saying as me advocating for it, or whatever.

 

Here is my point. You watching porn, is "cheating", because you are having your needs met elsewhere. Yet she makes no attempt to meet these needs herself. Well, when this first happened, you should have told her "You either have sex with me more, better and hotter, or yes I will keep on using porn. NEEDS are NEEDS, if you ain't meeting them, I will have to seek another source to do so". This is my point about the porn situation and the lack of sex.

 

Now she wants to CHEAT on you with another woman, and you are OKAY WITH IT, so long as you are there to watch??? WTH??? This is not being submissive, this is just being plain out used, abused, laughed at and humiliated. Worse, she has total control over you, she doesn't even want you to watch lol... like.. what the hell man? How can you put up with this stuff?

 

Why did you put up with the lack of sex, and then worse, impregnate her a second time? You dug yourself a big hole here. People might say that it is your woman that needs changing, but I think that is wrong, who needs to change here is you. You need a backbone, you need to grow some power (to not say balls) and say "NO!!!" for once. You can't let people walk all over you and expect to be happy.

 

She doesn't respect you AT ALL. No respect, none. No respect = no love. She is most likely with you because you probably support her financially, take care of the kids, and give some stability to her life. Plus you are a nice "pet" to walk around with. Like a puppy you know, no matter what you do to them, serve them your food left overs, put them to sleep outside in the cold, etc, when you come home from work, they are still there wiggling their tail and so happy to see you. That is how she is treating you, like a pet, like a puppy. NO RESPECT.

 

This 50 Shades of Grey issue should be the last thing in your mind... this is a water drop in a swimming pool filled with sewage.

[pl3asehelp]

The idea that sex is a NEED is silly. Food, water, and shelter are needs - everything else is just a want.

[EQIQ]

The idea that sex is a NEED is silly. Food, water, and shelter are needs - everything else is just a want.

 

Yes, I realize that. However, try living a life with no sex, no recreation, no human relations, no love, etc. These are not needs, but I don't think you would very much human after a prolonged period of this. There are somethings that are needed in order to stay psychologically healthy and happy. And being in a relationship without sex is definitely not one of them, unless both the partners are asexual (something that is hard for me to understand, but to each their own).

[Vilkata]

This 50 Shades of Grey issue should be the last thing in your mind... this is a water drop in a swimming pool filled with sewage.

 

The reason this bugs me so much, is I can usually put it out of my mind, but when she's sitting here with the book in hand, it brings all of this directly up for me.

[blackgnat]

First off, 50 Shades of Grey is a crock. I read the whole series, waiting for the hot stuff and by the start of the second one, I was skipping the sex scenes, looking for a plot...

 

Secondly, your woman seems very unstable, sadistic and manipulative. What the heck is she telling you her sexual fantasies for, while telling you that you can't join in? She

sounds like a control freak. She's dangling her reading material in front of you to get a reaction. Start reading a Playboy or something like that as soon as she starts reading the lame 50 Shades. How can she possibly object?

[EQIQ]

First off, 50 Shades of Grey is a crock. I read the whole series, waiting for the hot stuff and by the start of the second one, I was skipping the sex scenes, looking for a plot...

 

Secondly, your woman seems very unstable, sadistic and manipulative. What the heck is she telling you her sexual fantasies for, while telling you that you can't join in? She

sounds like a control freak. She's dangling her reading material in front of you to get a reaction. Start reading a Playboy or something like that as soon as she starts reading the lame 50 Shades. How can she possibly object?

 

Nah... no need to fight fire with fire. He should just break up with her. This whole situation is ridiculous. If you do break up with her, don't start a relationship with anyone for a while, take some time to figure yourself out. Also time to figure out why you allowed someone to abuse you this way... Stay in your kids lives, but I wouldn't want a woman like this not even as an acquaintance.

[broken_dreams]

first off here there's some info missing!!! yes i'm the you's are talking about! he does NOT support me other way around!!! he hasn't worked since our first daughter was born 2 1/2 years ago and has made no good atempt at it either. were on welfare and get child tax. anywho i'm going to seek mental help on monday to see if i have bi-polar and to get my $.hit striaght also he fails to mention when we get into heated arrguments that he repatedly calls me FAT i'm 220 pounds give or take and my weight is an EXTREMELY touchy issue! i've had depression(yes been marked iwth it) since i was 14/15 years old i thought it has been just a phase i was going though but clearly at alomst 24 yrs old this is not a phase now. i'm constantly down in the dumps with no understanding of why i have lost my sex drive and i was BI and with a woman before we met long ago, yes i have a strong urge to be with a woman but jelaously is a cruel ceature.. i want him to be involed but unsure how i will react but dont want to alone becuz i will feel like a cheater (i've never cheated on anyone EVER). any other questions?????????

 

sorry for some spelling mistakes.

[broken_dreams]

I don't want to turn this into an online debate dearest, but just want to clear up a few points, this will be my only direct statement to you on here, and from there, this is simply a thread where I asked for some advice, as I cannot talk to my brother, parents or friends about our relationship.

 

first off here there's some info missing!!! yes i'm the B*t.ch you's are talking about! he does NOT support me other way around!!! he hasn't worked since our first daughter was born 2 1/2 years ago and has made no F*c.king good atempt at it either. were on welfare and get child tax.

 

I have 'had' several jobs since then, which I lost due to you being too tired after a day watching the children. I have had several job offers in the past month alone, which you are unwilling to even discuss facilitating. Also, the last time I went out to job search, for example, resulted in you locking me out of the house. Wonder why I don't more often?

 

anywho i'm going to seek mental help on monday to see if i have bi-polar and to get my $.hit striaght also he fails to mention when we get into heated arrguments that he repatedly calls me FAT i'm 220 pounds give or take and my weight is an EXTREMELY touchy issue!

 

Which, 90% of the time is directly a response to you doing things that I won't mention on here. But is this statement not true?

 

i've had depression(yes been marked iwth it) since i was 14/15 years old i thought it has been just a phase i was going though but clearly at alomst 24 yrs old this is not a phase now.

 

Fair enough, but then why has it taken so long? A part of the problem is, when you are good, there is 'nothing to fix' but when you are bad, you don't care about fixing things anyways.

 

i'm constantly down in the dumps with no understanding of why i have lost my sex drive and i was BI and with a woman before we met long ago, yes i have a strong urge to be with a woman but jelaously is a cruel ceature.. i want him to be involed but unsure how i will react but dont want to alone becuz i will feel like a cheater (i've never cheated on anyone EVER). any other questions?????????

 

sorry for some spelling mistakes.

 

Jealousy is indeed a cruel creature, and if you try to view things from my angle, that makes why I am so lost in this, quite obvious. And do you not count kissing a guy while with your ex, or cybering my then best friend for 2 weeks right after we started dating, cheating? Or are both of those more acceptable than masturbating?

 

In other news, I thank you all for your replies, I am glad to have support in this situation, and all in all things seem quite clear, albeit not easy.

[broken_dreams]

ffs not to get confusing here that last post from "me" was him typing to me he didnt realise i was still logged in. sorry for the confusion.

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed.