The Sex Is Great - But We Both Want a Deeper Friendship

[Silverbirch]

I know this is going to sound so weird to a lot of people, but I spilled it out to my SO tonight, not sure what he would say or think, but to my relief, he is happy about that - adding that he has no complaints about the sex -very happy with it, but yes he agrees that being friends is even more important.

 

This situation is quite new to me - we've been together just over a year. I've posted once before about on occasion feeling out of control or something by the intensity of the sex - partly like I enjoy it TOO much. It isn't just a physical experience. I realised also that when we do have sex, I feel so close to him - maybe it's when I feel closest, but I want to do other things too where I feel close - hopefully both of us feel closer to each other. We've both been so busy and there are usually other people about - last week, despite plans, we were only alone at bedtime. I'm missing not connecting to him enough in other ways. I can't recall ever feeling like this.

 

My SO laughed and asked how I thought we should do this, adding that he is more a loner than I am. I told him I would like us to go dancing again, do some of our horsey things together and also just hang out watching telly.

 

I feel so relieved I had that discussion with him and that he took it very well and seems to welcome the idea of us developing other areas of the relationship.

 

Has anyone else felt like this? What things did you do? Well of course, we didn't always have sex - he was a friend first, and I guess I've been missing my friend.

[sara-pezzini]

yes i know what you mean, i too love to have a deep connection at other times as well!

the way we do that is usally going for long walks in the forest, just us two hand in hand and we are really, really connected at those times, he feels free and both of us seem to feel more at ease to talk about anything....

we also love to play little games like basketball or tennis together, and have fun, or indeed watch tv together, usually holding hands or cuddle together...

we also love to show each other childhood stuff, as in photo's, tell the stories, what we used to love and do, favorite music then, hobbies, cute and funny stories but also the painful stuff from our youths

we were friends first too and i think it is really important to stay friends too, good friends.....

[Silverbirch]

That sounds beautiful Sara - as does your signature.

[sara-pezzini]

thank you! piece of a song that describes my feelings completely......Rebecca Lavelle-Did I tell you.....

[Silverbirch]

Love it! Sara, I've read some of your other posts and sounds like you are pretty much on the same page as I am re a lot of things, including the sex. For me, it's very good with him and I feel like that can take over and it's possible for that to not leave enough room or energy to spend with each other developing other areas of intimacy and friendship.

[sara-pezzini]

for us we started as friends and it took a few years before it turned into more, so we had a good frienship basis...but i love the sex now, such an amazing way to bond with him and it indeed tops everything else.....that is why we work at the friendship as well....but for me, he is my first, i never had sex before so it can be highly addictive!

[Silverbirch]

Well he isn't my first, but I find it addictive with him as well. One of the reasons I'm feeling a need to focus more on friendship as well is that I want to feel sure that in the long-term there are other things which keep us together besides sex. For sure the friendship with him changed a lot when we became involved - so it's a very different friendship you have with them because you know them at a much deeper level.

[sara-pezzini]

yeah i'll say!!! i know him in a way that no one else knows him!! lol but also on a friendship level i know him better than anyone, no one ever tried to really get to know him and he never let anyone else get close enough for them to see the real him...sad...but my luck!

[Silverbirch]

Same here, but I think I'm at the beginning of getting to know him much more deeply. He says I'm closer than anyone else has been but I think he is really just starting to let his guard down. He's one of those people who is amazing with animals but says he doesn't like many people. Animals are much safer for him.

[sara-pezzini]

ooh he sounds exactly like my BF, if you hadn't lived in Australia i'd be nervous haha....my bf too always told me he loves animals more than people, he likes being around them, says they never hurt you, where people do......it took years to get him to really open up about his past, his pain, his abuse and everything, was a long, yet very rewarding journey!

[Silverbirch]

OMG Sara, it has only been in the last couple of weeks that he told me about abuse but didn't go into a lot of detail. His sister had brought the subject up with him, and it seems that there is a lot he doesn't remember - or chooses not to. I knew he had been hurt by a parent leaving at a crucial age for him, but I hadn't known of any abuse before.

[sara-pezzini]

oh wow, that is awful!! i know firsthand the long lasting effect that has on a man, as well as the shame that comes with it, and OMG too, my bf has always been neglected by his parents!! he was unwanted and they made sure he knew that all his life, saying he would never achieve anything, never find love cause how could anyone possibly love him, he was not worthy of love, that too has had a huge effect on him and to this day he still feels unworthy.....never having known love he had trouble letting it into his life and also giving it......wow similar stories!! but to me, it is so worth it when they finally trust, open up and let you in so completely!! so beautiful!

[Silverbirch]

Sara, I just got back from a stay at his place and really good things have been happening. So far, it is looking as though since he told me about it, and there has also been a bit more discussion about other things that he is looking and seeming much happier and more relaxed, and our time together has been very enjoyable. I really feel that I'm getting to know him at a whole different level.

 

I know also with my SO that he hasn't considered his father to be a strong person and hasn't felt he had a good role model. His father wasn't around for a lot of his growing up, and he just had his mother and sisters.

 

I would say that last night we talked about that and how for each of us, our attachments with our families have affected the dynamics of how we relate to each other. I think there was a lot of good which came out of that conversation. He looked very happy and I definitely have felt very happy and more relaxed myself since that discussion.

[sara-pezzini]

that sounds very good!!

takes time to open up after such things happened in the past, i know with my bf too, once he mentioned the abuse, and i responded in a normal way, meaning, not totally freaking out or be overly emotional, which he cannot handle, then it seemed like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and more and more came out, not just big things, but also day to day stuff, in the past he used to say about hs day, it was fine, or it was busy, now i get almost minute to minute detailed acounts of what he has been doing, who he spoke to....same with his finances or other things he might struggle with, he tells it all now, what he finds difficult because he never learned it from his parents, asks my advice on that, tells me all kind of details, which he never used to, so i think once they start to open up, a whole lot more will come out.

they were just not used to it and always kept to themselves, but now enjoy it....beautiful really!

 

also very funny how this turned into a complete private discussion between you and me hahaha

i think both of you will be much more relaxed and open with each other now, the comfort level is setting in....nice!! intimacy on all levels is nice!

[Silverbirch]

Hi Sara,

When I came home from work, I went to have a quick rest before the fairly long drive back to where I live. He came for a rest as well, and we both fell asleep for about 3 hours and it seems we both slept very deeply.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Sara,

When I came home from work, I went to have a quick rest before the fairly long drive back to where I live. He came for a rest as well, and we both fell asleep for about 3 hours and it seems we both slept very deeply.

[sara-pezzini]

sounds nice! the deep sleep is probably also because of the deeper intimacy....enjoy it!

[Silverbirch]

Thanks! You too!

[sara-pezzini]

will do!!! lol