Getting over this girl... maybe some insights will help

[samson66]

Hi there, hi to all of you -- I've been reading in the forums for a couple weeks but up until now I've held my tongue. I was going out with a girl for 4 months over the summer and she dumped me about a month ago. This is probably the 7th or 8th serious relationship (2 years, 5 years, 10 months, most have been longer than this one) I've had, but this is the first one where I got dumped -- most of the rest were mutual breakups or me ending it. Now, I don't like to think of myself as a sappy guy, but it's becoming apparent that I might be a bit of a hopeless romantic -- anyway, that's the background.

 

So, seeing this girl, I think she is about the hottest girl I know so that was the initial hook. I think I slept with her on our second or third date and from there it was seeing a lot of her, every other day and I'd say that she was at least as into it as me, she was the one looking to see me as much as me her. In the last month or so that changed a little, she was definitely less into it, but I was out of town on business and away at a wedding so it was to be expected that things would cool down at least a little bit. Anyway, we were talking one night about where it was all going, warning bells started going off so I figured I'd just be honest -- I was totally into her and wanted to keep moving forward. She wasn't quite on the same page, that was clear, but she didn't elaborate on what exactly she did want. Next day, got dumped, she just couldn't make the mental commitment to me that she thought I wanted. Ouch, that sucks, see you round.

 

So since then a few very cordial text messages, emails, ran into her at the bar as our circles overlap she's been tough to avoid but I know the rules, no contact works best. I guess the reason I'm writing is I still can't figure out what went wrong... I really did like this girl and I know sometimes it just doesn't work out but such as never happened to me before. I know she's got no one else on the go (the overlapping circles help in that regard). When I ran into her she was all over me too, holding my hand and laying kisses on my neck while I just sat there trying not to give her the idea I'd take her back even if she wanted me back. And that's about it, since then no contact at all and I'm still like ... what the f happened?

 

So, as it's been about long enough I'm thinking about asking out a new girl who I've been flirting with and I'm feeling rather confident though I have no reason to after this debacle, but I'm still thinking about the ex a lot and quite frankly wishing I wasn't.

 

Wow, see what happens when you bite your tongue? When you finally open up a lot sometimes comes out... hope that didn't bore anyone but I would like to hear what ya'll think.

[Venturer]

Yeah it can be confusing. If she can't make the mental committment as you can, then it's probably not going to work... and there doesn't seem to be a point in trying again.

 

If I were you, I'd just keep doing the no-contact thing and find someone else that fits the bill better for you.

[pineapplegirl]

Hey samson66,

refer to my posting on the forum. It always sucks to get dumped. You were wondering if YOU caused the end of the relationship just because you went out of town on business and then a wedding-YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T. It just seems like her interest fizzled out. End of story. No worries, you'll find someone who will appreciate you. And keep up the NC, she doesn't sound like she'd appreciate you.

[raccoon]

hey samson,

 

don't worry about boring us. This is what these forums are for. It's good to vent and get your thoughts out, and to get support from one another.

 

Try not to beat yourself up about what you may or may not have done wrong. We've all been doing a lot of that. In the situation you described, it doesn't seem to me like you did anything wrong.

 

Think back on your past relationships that you had ended, and I'm willing to bet that those girls didn't do anything wrong either. Your interest had probably waned and you wanted something different. It wasn't their fault, and it isn't yours now either.

 

I'm glad to hear you're thinking of asking this new girl out. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

 

good luck.

[samson66]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I guess it's probably mostly just a blow to my ego -- but it does eat away at you wondering what was going in her head you know? raccoon, there was always a definitive reason for breakups in the past and one of those was indeed that my heart just wasn't into it, but that was after a month -- after 4 seems like a slightly different story you know? We were moving fast enough that there shouldn't have been any surprises after about 2 months... so what could it have been?

 

I guess the answer is that it doesn't matter, she just wasn't right. From my point of view there was nothing wrong with her though, sure wish it could have worked.

 

sam