She replied to my strictly business email with friendly questions. How to reply?

[PaperSt1537]

I've already posted a lengthy story of my breakup here and the subsequent issues I'm dealing with trying to move on but I have a new dilema to deal with.

 

I've held no contact for four days now. She broke things off completely on Tuesday without any possibility of getting back together. I added her to my phone plan about two months ago and I had to email her about changes to the plan and to send her a copy of her part of the bill. I thought seriously about trying to get her off of it but the cancelation fee is just too much for her to do right now and I don't want to force her off it.

 

Anyway, my email was stricly business, very short, to the point and devoid of any and all emotion. She replied to me saying "Thanks! How are you liking your new place?" This kind of reaction is not surprising. It's friendly and that's all with no room to interpret it as anything more than keeping me in the friendzone and acting as though everything is perfectly fine. It actually infuriates me that she even wrote it with that kind of attitude when she has to know how completely devistated this break up is making me.

 

Nevertheless, my question is this: Should I respond to her? If so, what would I even say? Would I pretend that everything is fine and wonderful? I'm not sure if I have the ability to respond without subconsciously trying to have some sway over her feelings for me even though it would be totally pointless to try. I just don't know how to handle this and I'm very interested in anyone's thoughts on the matter.

 

Thanks so much for reading.

[RGS]

i'd just reply a one liner with no question or reason for her to respond. Something like "it's good thanks, i'm settling in"

 

Thoughts are with you, i'm going through similar.

[bw92116]

Nope, don't reply at all to that. Part of keeping No Contact is to not reply.

If you reply to her friendly message, you are just continuing the relationship.

If you want to get over her and move on, then don't continue the relationship.

Wait until she replies with answers to your business questions.

Then just reply if necessary, in a businesslike manner.

Don't let it go beyond business to a personal level.

[RGS]

on second thoughts.. go with what bw said... no contact all the way! Replying will only make her feel better and that everything is ok.

[PaperSt1537]

I'm finding it extremely difficult not to feel enraged over her attitude and insensitivity. We had a very emotional breakup where we cried together all day and went over all the reasons it was happening. She knows I want her back and that it's destroying me that I can't get another chance. To reply in such a manner as to suggest that I wouldn't be thinking about her night and day, losing sleep and running the whole spectrum of post breakup emotions is something I really find offensive.

 

Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I'm being unfair. I just don't know and it's probably better I say nothing rather than run the risk of saying things I shouldn't.

 

This site and the people posting here have really been so helpful in getting through this terrible time. I appreciate it so very much.

[siegfri333]

I wouldn't answer anything, she should know her "friendly" attitude is unwanted and hurting you, and what happens in your life is none of her business because she is NOT your girlfriend anymore, and she is not your "friend" either.

[bw92116]

I'm sorry you feel so bad.

Maybe write out the business details in a letter and mail it to her, so it's a one-way communication.

Mention ONLY the business that has to be taken care of. Don't let it have a personal tone at all.

I'm sorry you have to do any communication with her at all. But if it's necessary, get the business over with.

You just don't want that hanging over you any more. And you don't want any "excuses" to keep in contact.

Turn off texting on your account if possible. You don't want any back-and-forth communication.

This is going to be a difficult period for you at first, but it will get a little easier each day.

You will start to see "the light at the end of the tunnel" pretty soon.

[RGS]

I'm sorry you're going through such a bad time. It is so hard when they seem so ok with it.

 

I spoke to my ex two weeks post BU and he sounded super happy about his situation and reaffirmed "it's the right decision" then almost bragged to me about the fact he was going on holiday to Ibiza. He did not seem in the least bit bothered about how I was doing. It hurts to know that he's able to just get on and live his life so easily. This weekend I suspect he's gone to a music festival he was talking about going to whereas I have been in a mess for pretty much most of the weekend so I do sympathise with what you're going through.

 

Best policy is no contact, I have so much I want to say to my ex but I know it will do me no good. Even if I said it to him it would only torment me for the coming weeks. No contact means you can start to resolve the existing hurt instead of adding to it.

[PaperSt1537]

Yeah, I can forsee a conversation just like this taking place between my ex and me which is why I really want to be vigilant about making the right decisions for myself and keeping no contact, especially now knowing that this whole situation and my misery isn't phasing her one bit. She's out there, living it up wthout a second thought to what we had or what was lost, which was not an insignificant thing to say the least. Her coldness and apathy is absolutely maddening. Unfortunately, as much as I really want it to, it doesn't make me love her any less.

[bw92116]

You're wasting that love on her.

First, love yourself and heal yourself.

Then find someone else to love who will love you, and not treat you with coldness and apathy.

[Sportster2005]

The anger is normal and understandable. She is being insensitive. That however is not intentional. You could argue she should know better. But obviously she doesn't and it's not going to change.

 

The anger will subside with time and healing. By avoiding any contact with her she can't upset you with her insensitivity. I would consider getting her off the phone plan. Whatever the cost, it's not worth being in contact with her.

[PaperSt1537]

I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to reply and ask her to stop contacting me unless it's strictly business related. I'm not sure how to go about that, such as how much detail I should give as to why I would be cutting off contact and if I should specify how long. Part of me thinks it a bit immature to just ignore her and it almost seems petty. Then again I also think her reasons for not wanting to be with me are petty when she claims to still love me.

 

Her hedonistic attitude is just infuriating me to no end and regardless of all these extremely helpful comments I'm getting here, I just can't figure out what's right. So many doubts and so much confusion, I can't get my head straight.

[Sportster2005]

I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to reply and ask her to stop contacting me unless it's strictly business related. I'm not sure how to go about that, such as how much detail I should give as to why I would be cutting off contact and if I should specify how long. Part of me thinks it a bit immature to just ignore her and it almost seems petty. Then again I also think her reasons for not wanting to be with me are petty when she claims to still love me.

 

Her hedonistic attitude is just infuriating me to no end and regardless of all these extremely helpful comments I'm getting here, I just can't figure out what's right. So many doubts and so much confusion, I can't get my head straight.

 

If you only reply to specific business questions and don't indulge the friendly questions she will more than likely get the hint and stop. If not, then yes ask her to stop contacting you. I use;

 

"Please respect my privacy as I do yours. Do not contact me unless it is a matter of business."

 

No explanations are required. Start thinking that she is no longer in your life, and you are no longer in hers. It's harsh, but it's effective it getting over someone.

[bw92116]

I would not initiate any contact. I would not ask her to stop contacting you unless it is business related. You do not need to.

If she contacts you, I would only reply to the business part of it. She will realize by that, that you will only talk business.

You have to come to a decision: try to reconcile, or move on. You can't do both.

[RGS]

I think the difficult thing for a dumpee is that we have to go through this pain right away. The only small comfort we can have is that I truly believe if you had a good relationship then the dumper will regret it at some point down the line whether they want to get back together or not. They might be feeling happy and hedonistic now but when they hit a low point further down the road, theyll look back, think of a time when they had comfort in their life and feel the pain of missing you. By that point of course it will be too late. By maintaining NC we can ensure they will experience the regret and miss you at some point whether we find out about it or not. NC means that whilst we might be feeling all sorts of negative emotions they won't ever get to see it. So in this sense in the long run NC means we have the last laugh. They are left with only positive thoughts of us whereas by that point we have moved on and can only see them in a negative light.

[Ms Darcy]

There is nothing she could say that would not make you aangry short of ... let's get back together. I think you should only reply in a businesslike way and see how she responds.

[RGS]

Oh and I also think getting her out the phone contract may be a good idea even if it is at greater expense it may be worth it. Getting rid of the phone contract means you can firmly shut the door instead of allowing it to be ajar for her to pop her head around every so often.

 

Big hugs to you, I think we're in a similar boat at the moment.