Shell Shocked After Yesterdays BU. No Idea How to Feel.

[PaperSt1537]

I should preface this by warning you this is a long post, I just feel like I need to explain the whole story and accurately portray events so that there's more than just my side to the whole thing......

 

My girlfriend of two-and-a-half years just finalized our breakup last night. We met back in 2009 in Philadelphia, she an actress, me a bartender. We moved fairly quickly because our connection was so strong immediately. Her kindness, sense of humor and charisma have always been her best qualities. She has the ability to make whomever she's talking to feel like the most important person in the room. These characteristcs also come with a lack of real communication, wherein she allows things she may have problems with (in our relationship specifically) to go on far too long without addressing them. It would always take a considerable amount of coaxing to get her to talk about her true feelings for almost everything.

 

My problem has always been that I suffer from depression and anxiety. The issue beeing that I know I need help yet I get myself stuck in a Mobius strip of self loathing and internal misery about my place in life and the world around me. Not always, but too often.

 

We moved to New York City together about eight months after we met. I was following her so she could focus on her acting career and we could still be together. I had a lot of intentions of finding a passion for something or a drive to be productive but the city beat me before I could begin. It was all just too much for me to handle. The expenses, the people, the fact that we could only afford to live in neighborhoods far removed from Manhattan. I wasn't prepared and I found myself constantly overwhelmed and it was difficult to do anything but go to work and come home and sit in front of the TV playing games and watching movies.

 

She was thriving. Making friends, gettting roles, working hard. And when she came home and wanted us to be social and ineract and see the city I always found some reason for not going. There were many conversations about this and how she didn't know how long she could keep this up if i wasn't willing to at least try to get better. I would make promise after promise that I would try, with every intention to do so, only to let myself get bogged down after the initial steps of the process. i.e. seeking therapy, working on going to t grad school, etc.

 

I talked a lot about moving back to Philadelphia and trying to maintain a long distance relationship. I had this idea that if I went back, I could focus on my goals without bogging her down with my depression. This was something I had been agonizing over for months. I loved her more than anything and the thought of not living together anymore was killing me but I also knew that I wasn't being fair to her by forcing her to be around me with all these depression problems.

 

Once our lease was up and we were still looking for apartments in NYC and I was looking for apartments in Philadelphia she had decided it was time to make a change. She told me she needed to take a break and that she didn't think she wanted to live with me anymore. She needed to figure out what she wanted and she needed time to do that. Calling it a break in the way that she did gave me a lot of hope that it might not be over. That i might still be able to save it. So I stuck to my plan about moving back to Philadelphia and coming to NYC to see her frequently, so we could have fun and experience things together like I'd always wanted to but couldn't force myself to do before.

 

Two weeks later she decided that it was indeed over. She had started an acting tour and had been keeping herself super busy and trying to figure out what she wanted. She was having a lot of fun, meeting new people, seeing new things, traveling all around the Northeast. She also "went on a couple of dates." She said all the things she'd been doing helped her come to the conclusion that she could never see us being together in the long run.

 

This all happened yesterday, as she helped me move all of my things to my new apartment in Philadelphia. We spent most of the day crying to each other as I initially tried to appeal to her heart, and to her love for me that she still had and how at the core of our relationship was something solid and strong and that it meant that we could work out any of the other peripheral challenges that come if we just focused on that. As each plea I made was met with refusal after refusal I simply couldn't accept that I wasn't getting one last chance. I was determined to change, for myself and for us and while she admitted that she could see big changes in me over the last few months, she just didn't believe it would ever be enough for us to be happy together.

 

She told me how good of a man I am and how no one has ever treated her as well as me. Told me she was being selfish and stupid for leaving such a great guy. It seemed sincere. I trust that she wouldn't say things like that unless they were. I guess that's the part that hurts the most. I don't want to think of it as a standard "its not me its you" thing but I'm really afraid that it was. I just can't understand how she could love me so much and feel that I'm such a wonderful person to her and yet be so able to leave me. For what? To date around? To have a life of carefree triviality? All I know is that my depression was too much to take and that no matter what I say or do I will never get a chance to change it now. She gave me no hope, no way in and I've never had that kind of futility before. I'm simply shell shocked and I'm looking for any thoughts anyone might have.

 

Thanks so much for reading.

[iamkaylee]

Breaking up is a shock. It sounds like there weren't any major issues between the two of you and that makes it seem a whole lot worse. It's hard to give up something that seems like it's not really "broken" just going at different speeds. It sounds like your GF knew what she wanted and went after it while you were just following her along with no real ideas about what you wanted or where you were going.

 

Your depression, you CAN do something about and right now IS the perfect chance to do it. Call a therapist and start counseling. Get a prescription if you need one and take them. Right now is the time to start making some positive changes in your life for YOU. Once you do that, new opportunities will start showing up.

 

I'm dealing with the same type up breakup myself. We got along well, no real problems but we simply want two very different things in a few years. We couldn't find a way to work out the differences that we were both comfortable with, so we broke up. No harm, no foul, just the way it is. It happens. It sucks, it's not fun, but sometimes it is for the best in spite of what we want.

[PaperSt1537]

It's been suggested that my ex lives a hedonistic lifestyle and once I took a step back and thought about this, it makes perfect sense. The persuit of personal pleasure is what drives her. Anything that even remotely causes her discomfort or strife, she shuts down, closes off and looks for any distraction possible that will help to push those problems away. I find myself obsessing over how many times I could have just gotten up off my lazy butt and gone outside with her, played a board game she wanted to play, or any other activities she would constantly ask me to do with her that I just wouldn't do. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to have fun.

 

Of course, it wasn't like this early on. But I just couldn't sustain it with my depression and anxiety. There just always became reasons for me to be stagnant because there were too many avenues for failure or embarrassment that I felt I couldn't handle. I can name at least four times over two years where she could see this was going to be a problem for us and tried to tell me she would have to leave me if I didn't do something about it. I simply did not try enough until it was too late.

 

That's really all there is to it. I was there for her every time she was feeling sad, feeling down, depressed, lonely, self-conscious, exausted or sick. When the chips were down I was always there to pick them up and she regularly praised me for this. We never used each other or took advantage of each other or cheated. I've never in my life been with a woman where we had such a mutual respect and love for each other but it just didn't work. I hate myself for not trying harder. For not taking more time to show her things, to take her out for a night of fun or a day hiking or sightseeing or any of the endless list of possiblities she always suggested to me. Why couldn't I just DO SOMETHING...?

[iamkaylee]

All this may be true but one thing you're overlooking which is her willingness and ability to be there for you in return. By repeatedly walking out on her own and dumping your depression off as a problem on you, it certainly didn't help the situation. Suck it up, deal with it, do something about it or I'm going to eventually leave you is not exactly supportive to a depressed person. Her own attitude towards avoidance of problems , strife or stress didn't help either. She preferred to just leave you behind on your own to trying to actively work together as a couple and help solve the problems. Her own good fun times and pleasure were more important to her thatn you and yoir relationship.

 

So, don't blame yourself entirely. It tkes two to screw it up and two to fix it. She was certainly part of screwing it up and wasn't willing to put in the effort to try and fix it.

[PaperSt1537]

You do have a point in the disparity between our efforts to support each other. Moving to New York City was a real shock to the system for me with the amount of added expenses, distance from work and social environments, and pressures of dealing with the general "New York attitude" I found myself surrounded with. Add to that the fact that I, as stated, had no real drive or passion for anything. I was still lost, only now I had added stresses to my life. Not to disparage any New Yorkers, it just didn't fit with my lifestyle and I had a difficult time letting go of my friends and more laid-back atmosphere in Philadelphia. I had one foot in each city and had a lot of trouble letting it go. When I say I should have tried harder, I refer to that idea as well. That I took way too long to let go of that and accept that NYC was my new home and I needed to "suck it up" and make it work or I would lose her.

 

Again, once I did do that, it had taken way too long to reach that realization. She had already accepted that I would not or could not change or get better and she moved on. With the help of her friends I'm sure, during the break, she had time to have fun, meet new fun people, go out on fun dates and convinced herself that she couldn't live a life that way while I was part of the equation.

 

It's been suggested by my closest friends that I should be pretty angry about the dating thing. That she shouldn't have told me she needed time if she was just going to see other men. I have trouble being mad at her when I know this all might have been avoided if I'd just "manned up" and got my act together and as much as I hate that phrase, I can't help but believe it might be true.

[iamkaylee]

It couldn't have been avoided no matter what you did. If she was going to go, she was going to go. That's the nature of free will. Maybe it would have taken her longer but I still think she would have ended up going.

 

Manning up, sucking it up sometimes works over little things but not when it refers to who we fundamentally are. I'm a quiet, laid back, enjoy outdoors type of person. Throw me in someplace like NYC, I'd miserable! The lights, noise, hustle amd bustle, no way. It's not my thing and never will be. Toss a city person out in the country and they'd be bored stiff and sensory deprived. Doesn't sound too far different from where you are with your ex GF. Sometimes people just want 2 different things as far as lifestyle goes. Manning up won't fix that, it just makes you miserable in the end. You have to be who you are.

 

You tried dude. You went to NYC when you really didn't want to go in the first place. You did it for her and it didn't work. If you had wanted it too, maybe that would have been different but you can't change it now. Honestly, I don't think it would have changed much except the breakup may have taken longer to happen.

[iamkaylee]

One other thing. If you look back, it seems like all this was for HER. Not you and especially not both of you and your relationship. So it seems to me that you were the one that really tried and she was just coasting along as long as it was good and convenient for her.

 

Something else to think about.

[PaperSt1537]

You're probably right about all of this and the comments you make get me thinking about certain times I put out of my mind that were blatant clues as to how she felt about our relationship. When I was trying to make a final decision about moving back to Philadelphia and I told her what I had planned, her response was, "I'm going to be so lonely." Not, "I'm going to miss you so much." I made a strong effort to assure her I wanted to come to and from the two cities very frequently to be together, but again, it was a waste of time. Even if that statement didn't mean much, it's an accurate example of the kind of reactions I was getting towards the end. When I think about the fact that it's truly over my thoughts fluctuate sometimes and I wonder if, when her current high runs out, when she finds a lull in her lifestyle, if she can't find a date that weekend or her friends are all busy, if then and only then will she miss me. Although, I guess in the long run it doesn't even matter.

[pl3asehelp]

One other thing. If you look back, it seems like all this was for HER. Not you and especially not both of you and your relationship. So it seems to me that you were the one that really tried and she was just coasting along as long as it was good and convenient for her.

 

Something else to think about.

 

Totally agree with this and your previous comments.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't want to hurt your feelings here but I think pulling the plug now was for the best. She was pursuing her dreams in a very extroverted way and depression is a very serious mental condition. Sorry to say. You did not seem compatible.