need some advice please.

[ItsmeShane]

I have been spending a lot of time with and talking to a young lady from church lately. She is only a friend for now, but she is so much nicer than every one of my girlfriends from the past. Im starting to fall for her. So earlier we were talking about a concert coming up at the end of the month, and she doesn't want me to get her ticket for her, but she also doesn't know if she will be able to afford it after her bills. I told her i would get it, and she didn't have to worry about it, just be ready to have some fun. Long story short she told me that I shouldn't spoil her so much, that I should save the spoiling for some special lady that comes along and steals my heart. I told her that she was that special lady. Well she told me she was not capable of anything more than a friendship right now, but was really nice about it. I was a little worried about scaring her away and she said I could never scare her away if I continue to be honest....I told her that I would never lie to her because it will only upset her and get me in trouble, neither of which I want to do.

 

I need a little help understanding this. The first part about not being capable of being in a relationship right now, I can halfway understand, she is still fairly new to the area and I just helped her move in to a new house this past weekend so I understand she is busy getting settled in her house. I just hope that is not a nice way of her telling me she isn't interested. And the second part about being honest, that makes me think she has had some trouble with honesty in the past. I just would like to understand this a little better.

[Steve55]

It sounds to me that either she just wants to be friends or for some reason doesn't want a relationship right now. You have to respect her decision, as hard as that may be. It's possible being new to the area she doesn't want to rush things and wants to get settled in first.

 

Your best strategy is to stay friends, keeping in mind that this is all you may ever be, and see if she changes her mind in a few weeks or months. She knows how you feel and and if she changes her mind, she knows where to find you. This advice only works if she hasn't made you hopelessly friendzoned. Only you can decide if that's the case.

 

I've had a similar situation with a long time co-worker and friend. She is also someone which strong Christian values. I know with fellow Christians, it's best to proceed slowly and respectfully. I've tried to do that, after telling her how I felt, but all we will ever be, most likely, is friends. It's a very tough thing to do to accept that when you have strong feelings for someone. I think you're in the same boat. It sounds like it anyway.

 

Best of luck and please let me know how things go.

[giubilante]

There is likely some background to her story that you simply don't know yet. Focus on being her friend, building trust, and eventually ask what she meant by her comment. If she really values honesty, she will (hopefully) honestly tell you why honesty is such an issue for her.

[ItsmeShane]

I hope its the second. She has told me several times lately that she moved up here to get away from Florida in a round about way people weren't very nice and had taken advantage of her. She has also told me about two of her exes, One of which she was engaged to that passed away and another one that was very mean to her. She told me about him the other night and I couldnt help but feeling angry about someone doing and saying such stuff to her. She has been going to my church for about 6 months or so now? i'm not 100% but she is always really friendly. If she sees me she always walks up and gives me a hug and talks to me, which is really important because there are "friends" (I use that term loosely) that i have known for a few years now and they walk by and don't say anything at all. I really notice simple things like that. I can't put into words how great her personality is. I learned a painful lesson a few years ago and i'm trying to put it to good use in this situation. Ill be her friend and prove to her that I care about her. I hope she does come around, she has told me I am a really nice guy and anyone would be crazy not to at least give me a chance.

 

 

 

That is exactly what I want to do. Build a friendship and hopefully turn it in to something much bigger and better.

 

Thanks for the help

[Steve55]

Giubilante was right about her back story. It sounds like she had a few rough previous relationships and that could be why she is not jumping into anything with you yet.

 

It's a positive sign that she comes up to you at church and gives you a hug. It sounds like she trusts you and that is no small thing if her previous relationship was abusive. She may have some wounds that need to heal. Be there for her as a friend for now and maybe things will work out. I hope so.

 

Being there for her doesn't guarantee she'll change her mind, but it's worth a try. Again, I'm reminded of my situation. The father of the woman I wrote about has a very serious illness. I've told her that I am there for her 24/7. She's leaned on me a bit, but things really haven't changed in terms of something more between us. There may be other issues keeping us apart, which may or not be there in your situation, but I think you need to be prepared for that outcome as well.

 

I'm glad to help. I pray this works out for both of you.

[ItsmeShane]

Im going to stay positive and have faith. It is really hard to do sometimes, but it is necessary. Thanks for your prayers. Ill pray for you as well.

[Steve55]

Im going to stay positive and have faith. It is really hard to do sometimes, but it is necessary. Thanks for your prayers. Ill pray for you as well.

 

Thanks.

 

One thing I've been telling myself is that I need to trust God and know that he has a plan. I need to submit to that, even if it's not what I want.

 

Stay in touch. Send me a PM if you want.