Partner admits that he would not tell me that he cheated

[vanbutterfly]

My partner told me that if we were married, and we had a kid - if he cheated on me, there is no way he would tell me ever.

 

Maybe I am living in a fairy land, but what happened to plain old honesty. If he cheats, that is his decision, and he can do it, but I want to know why can't he tell me and be honest so I can leave him - or even decide what to do.

 

He also thinks that there is kind of nothing wrong with cheating in a relationship, and that it is the same as me not respecting him in other ways (like telling him what to do, not cooking for him all the time, not looking after him..etc).

 

I am glad he told me now before I have a kid, and before I am married, but I feel like crap right now still. We are both 27 and I've known him for 4 years. He moved hear from Russia a year ago to be with me and now we aren't really happy. We get along fine, but we have fundamental issues - i.e I'm not really what he wants because I don't honour him and make him feel loved by doing all for him .

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I just can't help but tell you this: Run!.

Please, don't give him another second of your time, kick him out, nobody deserves an idiot(sorry) like your b/f.

 

He's a cynic.

 

Respect for others and for ourselves has never been out of fashion, you deserve better.

[Hailey]

Hi Vanbutterfly,

 

Try answer the following questions:

(1) What will you do if he tell you the truth?

(2) If you cheat, will you tell him also?

(3) Why you think he will cheat?

 

The answer to (1) usually unpleasant - end the relationship. For (2), be honest, if you still need him there, you won't tell him the truth and send him away. It's all about how much he or you love each other and trust your relationship. So what you said you don't really that in love with him and he probably could sense the same way too.

 

I personally think "Marriage" is a BIG issue. If you found yourself not ready yet, why rushing, tell him your concerns, make him understand, and he should do the same too. I know it's boring to hear this but "communication" is important.

 

I once experienced that before we got married. He told me one day "honestly" that he cheated. He told me he didn't want to lie to me so he told me the truth. I was so sad, but I love him so much. End up I forgave him because I want him, and he showed so much regrets and guilty afterwards. Couples of years later, we got married and live happily.

 

In fact, it didn't help at all when he told me the "truth". I had to handly all the emotional things alone. No one could help. Now I will tell my hubby that if he cheated, keep his lips sealed.

 

Hope this help.

[Mr Mister1]

What he should have said was "I'd NEVER cheat on you to begin with!"

 

I think most people would prefer not to announce they were cheating because they could lose the person they loved. Very selfish I know and really if they loved them so much they shouldn't have cheated in the first place but there you go.

[tea]

I think it's awful that he doesn't think there's something wrong with cheating, but not everyone agrees with every issue.

 

You'd probably not respond very well if he tells you about the times he cheated... I'm just speculating with common responses... even though we think we'll act rationally, when it comes down to it often times we're overwhelmed by emotions so it is still hard.

 

 

However, I don't believe you should stay with him when you're unhappy with him and when you know you're not what he wants. From your last sentence it sounds like your understanding of him is that he needs a slave more than a lover. If you don't see yourself being happy for the next 10 years if he's in the picture, don't get married! RUN!!!!!

[vanbutterfly]

Thanks for your replies!

It's his opinion as well that it doesn't help the situation to tell the person that you cheated if you cheat, but what I wanted from him is to tell me BEFORE he wants to cheat, or when he even feels the need to..so I can leave before it happens. Things always seem to come out in the end, and if I had a choice to know if he cheated BEFORE he did it, after he did it, or years after, then I choose before. And about the 'never' case - the truth hurts, but I would prefer the truth. I don't want to raise my kid with a bastard that cheated on me - with me living with him like an idiot.

 

I guess what I wanted to hear from him initially is not that he would never cheat on me (because who knows what could happen), but that if he wasn't happy, and that he wanted to get involved with someone else... to let me know so I can leave.

 

He has an aunt with kids that stays married to her husband that constantly cheats - and he thinks it's ok because she doesn't make him happy.

 

He really wants a russian female with values such as honour the husband and let him make decisions in most cases. He feels suppressed by me because I can live my life making decisions.

[DBL]

Maybe if you made him happy and took care of him, maybe he wouldn't even think of cheating then. Why won't you honor him and take care of him? If you know this is what he wants, and you won't provide it, then maybe you are not the woman for him. You could nip this relationship in the bud and save both of you some time.

 

DBL

[tea]

You know, I grew up knowing a lot of these very ... traditional men.

 

DBL, it's a lot more than you think. It's not just "honouring" their husbands...

 

It's more like... asking husbands for money, get "allowances" from husbands because they are not allowed to have control over money. Ask husband whether she is allowed to buy a dress, ask husband how much food she is allowed to buy and if she has to cook for his friends tonight too. Clean up the house before husband arrives, wait for husband to come back and wait by the door with coffee on the oven and dinner ready, then ask if he wants food at all...

 

 

... basically, get an image of 18 century maid? and that's the image a "traditional man" wants.

 

 

Word from equality, stay away from them.

 

 

My cousin's husband's like that, and believe me, she is no where near happy. Her husband yells at her, tells her she's stupid, won't hire them a maid, and her son (4 years old) actually pointed at her in front of everyone and said, "You're not listening to me! You don't have a right to not listen to me!" and "I told you N times already! Why can't you remember something so simple?" He's 4... where do you think he learned this from if he lives with only his parents?

 

Seriously... I run in fear when a man tells me he's looking for a traditional wife... or he holds traditional values dear.

 

I even went the extra step to tell my boyfriend that I will NOT cook for him, and he WILL clean up half of the house, and "I" or "WE" deal with finance, not him.

 

I grew up in a place where a lot of men are like that, and... I know many of my friends (who are from there), tell me about men who are like that... my penpal from there decided he's man enough to boss me around... when all I do is talk to him online. "Why don't you listen to me?" "I like it that way so you should change." "Why don't you put up your picture as your icon for me? (even after me insisting I don't care about his opinions on my icon and he should shut up)"

 

I swear... these men are not nice people. A woman of modern days who still wants her basic rights as a person instead of a slave should be VERY afraid of these men.

[Francis]

There is nothing wrong with choosing to be a traditional wife. However, if you chose to be one, you must be aware that you are putting yourself in a rather vulnerable position, and you should not do that with a person who has not 100% integrity.

 

Now, there is a serious problem with the fact that he thinks that it is normal to cheat in a relationship. Many traditional men think this way. It says it all. If you are willing to put up with that, then stay with him. In the past, women were unable to find a husband without working and at the same time serve him like a slave, and being cheated on. Those days are gone, for the best of all, particularly children who had to put up with a bitter self-sacrificing mother. Women had no choice.

 

This does not mean that a cheating husband does not love his wife. I know a lot of cheating husbands who still love their wives and kids very much. However, if you think his cheating is going to hurt you, you should be careful.

 

Basically, if you really love the guy (I personally could not stay in love with such a guy) then you can try to find strategies to show him how hurtful it is to be cheated on (i.e. mimic his behaviour and cheat too). But it seems that he is not the type of guy who would accept that.

 

Also, he is already telling you that you are not good enough for him, basically, you are not the woman of his dreams, that should make you question the depth of his feelings.

 

On the other hand, if you have been together for 4 years, he is probably extremely attached to you (contrary to common beliefs, men attach much deeper thant women) and then you should put an end to the relationship for a while (don't tell him it is only a break) so that he will have the time to think about his attitude.

 

You might lose him forever if you do this, or he may change forever. It will certainly be a shock for him, and he certainly needs that to become more mature.

 

Take care!

[Day_Walker]

Old fashion honesty is still out there. However it may not be there in the guys that you find attractive. If it really bothers you that much then break up with him, if it doesnt (which i suspect this is the path u will choose) then there really isnt anything you can do.

[long_for_me]

I think that if he has not been in the situation, there is no reason to be upset. Everything might happen, but you are not married, he has not cheated. Why worry?

 

Let it go, may be he thinks that he will never cheat, that's why he made such a claim.