Should porn bother me??

[sweetpea4670]

Recently, I was on my boyfriend's computer when I found a HUGE stash of porn sites. It ws kind of surprising. I mean, I knew he watched porn or looked at it from time to time, but this just bothered me tremendously. Looking at it made me feel so inadequate to the point where I was almost in tears .

 

I've always heard that porn is just a "guy thing" so I'm afraid to voice my opinion on how it's bothering me because I feel as if I'm expected to accept it and just be thankful that he's not cheating on me. I guess it just hurts me to know that he desires sooo many gorgeous women that I could never begin to compete with. I'm not really sure if this is something that I have a right to tell him not to do or watch or whatever, and I would never want to to overstep that boundary to be that controlling girlfriend, so I don't know what to do.

 

It's a problem, because now, every time we're being intimate, I feel like he's thinking of or wishing he was with one of those perfect, gorgeous women. I know he loves me, but it terrifies me to think that he desires other women (whether accessible or not) and it makes me think that he would be likely to cheat on me since he's already desiring other women. Is this assumption completely unfounded? Please help.

[Bobo]

I seriously wouldnt worry if I were you. He may look at porn, etc., but in no way will he expect to get that in real life. Im not suggesting that you ARE inadiquate, but you have to remember a lot of these images are enhanced. Im sure you just fine

[sweetlilchicky191]

Its only porn, its not a huge deal. Its ok to be bothered by it to some degree, but hes a guy. What is he suppose to do when your not around and he's "in the mood". People are sexual and if he looks at an other girl, or watches porn its ok. He still comes to you for love, support and sex. Be succure with who you are and know that its just porn! Entertainment, Why not watch with him. you might enjoy it.

[tea]

Well, about the part where you feel you can't compete. Think about it this way. Do you have any celebrity you have in mind who's just gorgeous? Is there any model you think is drop dead sexy? ... now, if both your boyfriend and the celebrity are asking to have sex with you, do you go with your boyfriend or do you go with the celebrity?

 

(Please don't say celebrity!)

 

I'd personally never date anyone like.. Orlando Bloom, model at Boss (drool), model for Longines it doesn't matter how sexy or how wonderful their figures are, when it comes down to relationship and sex I will always desire my boyfriend who looks nothing like them. (lol, bf is not the slim type that I drool over so much.)

 

I know most men are the same way as women, they may drool over women who have nice legs, awesome boobs, big butt, etc., but their gf/wives are always sexier.

 

Besides, if you take a look at porn, they're pretty repetitive and boring. It's really just the same move over and over again with different people. It probably won't make a difference is the female star is butt ugly, they only want her breasts and her butt anyways.

[AngelOfDarknes]

i dunno i wouldnt want my bf watching porn i dont care what they say like its "a guy thing" whatever.....i would get mad.......when i met my bf he told me he use to watch porn not alot tho but i told him how i felt about it and he dosent do it anymore if he wants to have fantasy i better be in it not some girl......ppl say its normal for guys to watch porn but i dont think so....

[sweetlilchicky191]

I am very sure your b/c still watches porn no matter what he says. Porn is awsome! If your a guy or a girl, its a matter of being open enough to watch it.

[Luciana]

Totally disagree. If you read relationship websites/forums all over the Net you find tons of women who are unhappy with thier men viewing porn.

 

Excessive porn use (I am saying "excessive") leads to objectifying of the female, humiliating sex, less desire for a real woman with some cellulite and a few pounds more and natural smells (ah, those genitals look SO beautiful in porn..); and a lot of masturbating which leads to less sex with their partner (men cannot have multiple orgasms like women).

 

I am not against viewing some sexy erotic scenes a deux to make a couple horny.

 

But a man jerking off to computer porn while his wife is in bed just disgusts me.

[Bobo]

I think youre being a bit narrow minded. Anyone who is satisfied by just porn isnt human. Everyone prefers the real thing. You cant actually experience whats happening in porn just by watching it! Its fine to watch it, but not to let it dominate your life. Can you have a relationship with porn? No. Its far better to have sex with someone you are in love with, than to wank over some attractive (most likely, digitally enhanced) woman you dont even know!

 

Porn shouldnt get you down. As it has been mentioned: why not watch it with him? See whats so great about it! Why not use it to 'get ideas' for yourselves? Watch porn, then live it...what could be better?!

[sweetlilchicky191]

I completely agree that excusive porn watching is not good, or the man watching porn instead of being intimate with his wife, thats very wrong. But a man having porn on his computer and jerking off sometimes is no big deal.

[Vanilla]

Hey! I had this same post on the sex and relationships forum. I got over 50 replies. and it comes down to this. Look inside yourself and really understand what makes YOU feel GOOD. If you don't mind him looking at porn but you do mind that MUCH sit him down and be like "I dont mind you watch porn, but the amount you're watching worries me" and if you don't feel good about it at all then he needs to know that its either you or the porn. You should not try to accept something you do not like because half the world does or because your boyfriend wants you to. When I saw some links in my boyfriends history I was upste. I do not accept porn and I was honest with him and I didn't have to ask him to stop, he did it himself. For the past month, there hasnt been one link...and trust me he will never pay a dime for it. We have a very open and supportive relationship and he's apologized because he knows he wouldnt want me looking at porn! Men DON'T NEED porn, it's just easier to look at it and get excited than to use their imagination. If men NEED porn then they should ask themselves if they have a problem. Just talk to your boyfriend, see how you really feel about it. But don't do it for him, or anyone else but yourself. Because if you try to accept it for him and you don't for yourself it'll drive you nuts inside. Do what your heart tells you feels right, if your man loves you it shouldn't be a problem to come to an agreement of what you both want from eachother.

[sweetlilchicky191]

First off i'm talking about porn that isnt obsessive. If a man watches porn more than 8 hours a day or comes home from work and rushes to watch porn, thats a problem. I do agree that you should talk to you boyfriend about the porn and come to some sort of agreement, however if a guy really doesn't want to stop watching it, he won't but will tell you he has just so your happy. That leads to a dishonest relationship with secerets. Porn sites can be easly deleted off the computer when your not around so when you are, you dont see them. That doesnt mean that not there when your gone. And what if the guy really didn't want to stop watching? Would you actually leave a man for watching porn?

[OceanEyes]

Would you actually leave a man for watching porn?

 

If he was watching it for 8 hours a day and rushing to watch it? YES! That, in my opinion, is a man that is a bit too oversexed for my liking. I want to have a relationship that is based on more than sexual pleasure.

[JuStAgIrL31806]

I have posted on other sites about this issue...one of the forums was my boyfriend and porn. Go there, i have stuff about Dr. Phil copied and pasted, and other things...i think it would do some good. Right now, I am really pissed, hurt, upset, etc. with my boyfriend. I HATE PORN. I got on his computer and all kinds of stuff came up, and i went to look at what he looked at...cause i was curious...HOW IN THE WORLD COULD HE LIKE IT??? I AM COMPLETELY GROSSED OUT...not to mention, i cant even get horny from male porn...it makes me so mad. I think of it this way...you boyfriend has you...if you are willing to have sex with him...THEN THERE ISNT AN EXCUSE. ALL WOMEN HAVE THE SAME THING. Just some big, and some little. If you want him to stop, and he loves you, HE WILL STOP. You can buy or even use trial versions of software that monitors his computer, while you arent with him. You CAN see what he looks at...types in, etc. Just download it to the computer, and he cannot unistall it without a password, or get into it...and what is even better, HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT...it is running hidden...not even in the task manager. All women are beautiful..and if your man keeps on DONT STAY WITH HIM. You can definetly find better...there are SOO many men out there. If you are getting hurt, and he wont stop for THE WOMAN HE SUPPOSEDLY loves, he has a problem, and i would leave him...cause he will NEVER have anything if he thinks porn is the solution...does he REALLY perfer having someone he cant touch, feel, hold, etc...or does he want the computer, movies, mags...the REST of his life...let him decide, and DONT take his s**t...can i hear and AMEN??

[OceanEyes]

You can buy or even use trial versions of software that monitors his computer, while you arent with him. You CAN see what he looks at...types in, etc. Just download it to the computer, and he cannot unistall it without a password, or get into it...and what is even better, HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT...it is running hidden...not even in the task manager.

 

Who wants to live their life this way? Oh man .. the day I start installing key loggers and spy software on my man is the day I high-tail it out of here. Spying in this extreme way is a problem in itself - if and when he found out that you went to that extent to monitor his actions on the internet is the day that he won't feel comfortable in the relationship ever again. A woman who goes to this extent shouldn't ever expect any type of normalcy, respect, or trust in her relationship ever again. Results are not achieved by invading a person's privacy in this fashion. If the guy isn't being honest, you shouldn't need to log his entire use of the internet/ PC to figure it out.

 

You can't change the man. Change yourself and the way you live your life. If you really can't stand it and it leaves you feeling hurt and empty more often than you feel happy, get the heck out of the relationship because it is NOT worth it.

[SlipperySammy]

I can understand girls not liking bf looking at porn...but I really don't like this snooping detective stuff trying to 'bust' them. If this was ever an issue I would feel like my gf was my mom and have to end the relationship.

[OceanEyes]

If this was ever an issue I would feel like my gf was my mom and have to end the relationship.

 

I feel that this sums up what I was trying to say. I completely agree. Go ahead and play detective, but be prepared for his reaction.

[mieshagirl]

I have problems with this as well. BUT, I told my b/f that I am down with him watching porn..I really honestly am. I like porn too (once in awhile). But my b/f still lies to me about it. He says he never does that...but I know that he does. I don't understand why he has to lie about looking at porn, when I told him it was alright.

Everyone's advice here is really good. I hope things get better for you.

[chefwise]

I actually googled "boyfriend watches porn" to see what other people thought of this issue, and it brought me here, so i figured i might as well create an account.

 

I've been with my b/f for 5 years, since the age of 16. I have really high standards when it comes to a man's respect for women. In my eye's he has been the rare, perfect gentlemen. He's put up a facade for 5 years that he's never looked at porn willingly, that he never needed to or wanted to... and I in time, because he gave me so many reasons to, believed him. I have A LOT of guy friends who are the exact opposite, and are so open about it. This just made me put my b/f higher up on the pedestle. The way he acts with me and the person he is overall, was VERY convincing. So until yesterday, i was totally fooled.

 

Last night, he let me use his laptop, told me to switch over to my account that he made for me. I was too lazy to, and just used his. Something told me to check his history, I forgot where I read or heard that once. Even with that though, I was convinced, even felt silly for checking. Sept. 27, our anniversary... he apparently watched/ looked at a whole list of porn websites, probably 30 of them. Even at this point, I thought, maybe someone else used his laptop. In the end, he admitted to it. Admitted he did it at least once a month, and hated that he has this "problem". He said A LOT of things. In the end asked for me to help him because it was a burden/guilt on his shoulders. (Probably because he's led our relationship so falsely)

 

I don't know what to do. The image I had of him is gone forever. The image that I fell in love with and separated from all the rest. He was THE ONE, partly because of that clean image. How can I go on in this relationship? I feel like so much was fake, deceitful. I'm going crazy thinking, what else has he lied about. I feel so STUPID that I could be lied to like that, and for so long! I know nobody is perfect... well, consider this as my imperfection. Last night, after all the anger, talk, berrating, etc.. I told him I would help him, religiously, through confession and a total life change.

 

This morning, I think I'm deciding to help him.... then leave him. I'm too bothered by the lies. I have a whole new life ahead of me, I just graduated college and am starting my new job next week. It feels right because the excuse of FIVE YEARS means nothing when i think of all the lies.

 

Yet still, I want people's input, thoughts, reactions, etc.

[MrDraw]

I'm from the Netherlands (you know: Amsterdam - Red Light District)

And to the rest of the world, we are a bit controversial here (as you know), not afraid of some sexual experience and very open minded. So my opinion, as below, is "open minded too".

 

I've never been in a relationship where the girl want's as much sex as the guy does. And I've never heard of it too. Yeah..., on tv everything is possible and in real life everybody says they like sex and much of it. "the sex is great, the relationship is great, bli bli, bla bla. But be honest will ya..!!

 

Your assumption about your BF not being interested in you anymore is unfounded I believe.

I watch porn too, from time to time. But my GF (who knows this) is the one for me, She's the one I have real sex with, which is great by the way. I only long for her and no one else, as we have sex together. So I believe your BF to have the same ideas about that. Just talk about it. You most likely told him what you like too, when it comes to "in bed activities".

 

Let me tell you this

Men are teased with sex, everywhere they go or everything they watch, on tv most of the items are sex related items. Just look at the musicvideo's, regular movies, etc.

Pierce Brosnan (007) mentioned, that more sex in the 007 movies is needed to get higher ratings and more visitors.

 

And it's just that a guy is expected to watch porn or sex related items. Ask any girl and she will say that all guys watch porn. Most porn is for men, let's face it.

But what is a girl with a Dildo or Vibrator?? It's just like porn, some needed sexual pleasing is fullfilled with those things.

 

For example

Most girls keep the stakes high when it comes to sex and sexuality.

Many times "keeping up appearance" to get the guy they want, or just to fullfill the image girls "need" to have for guys (lots of teasing and lots of sex).

 

Just as your typical night out would be, to the movies or disco.

Most girls are dressed in "overkill" outfits. Cleavage, jeans with their thongs above them*, ultra smal or tight tops, and so on.

 

*

In Dutch we call those pants: "zie poes net nie broek"

In English it translates a bit like this: "Just can't see the p.s.y jeans"

 

Lets be real about this.

There is a small chance for a boy to find a girl who's likely to have lots of sex with him. Maybe in the beginning of the relationship, but after a while we all know what happens.

It's one of the most discussed mathers in a relationship. There are tv-shows about these problemes (Doctor Phil).

 

But the real mather of this item is this

When you get to the question: "I'm I good enough when it comes to sex".

Well, then it's allready to late. Sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. And when the sex isn't good, the finish (getting married and having children by example) is never to be reached.

 

A guy who watches porn isn't that bad, you know. Just have a conversation about it.

Have a open mind, as you would expect from your BF.

If you want the sex in your realationship just the way you want it, than you'll have to give something in return to your BF. I guess. Relationship = Giving and Taking.

You just can't expect him to stop watching porn because of your concerns. Because what are his concerns, concerning you??

 

The only real good advice is to talk about all your things with your BF (or GF for that mather).

Talking is the best way to handle things in a relationship.

 

I hope everything works out for you and your BF.

 

Greetz,

MrDraw.

[novaseeker]

It's a question of: what do you want?

 

In other words, yes, you are disappointed, yes this is an aspect of him that he hid from you and deceived you about. And that creates issues of trust in general, and makes you call a whole host of things into question .. all of that is natural. But the key question is: does the fact that he watches porn fundamentally change the person who he is, does it change the person who you love(d), does it change the rest of the things you are/were attracted to about him?

 

There are no right or wrong answers to those questions -- only your own answers that make sense to you. You may feel adamant that you can't be with a man who watches porn. Or you may feel that the rest of his qualities outweigh that. And you may decide that you need to rebuild trust with him (or not, because you are leaving him).

 

One thing I will say is this: in the internet era, you will be hard pressed to find men (particularly young men) who are not well-versed, shall we say, in porn. It's pretty ubiquitous, it's totally available, and it's pretty much become mainstream. Porn stars like Jenna Jameson are writing books that are New York Times bestsellers, for instance. Now, I'm not saying that you can't find such men ... but in all reality, it's pretty rare. That may sound gross, or off-putting, or disappointing, but it's also the reality. What differs among men is the degree to which they use pornography ... whether it's a 'moderate' use, on the one hand, to a pervasive/obsessive use, on the other. Anyone approaching the latter kind of use is a real problem for any relationship, because it tends to get in the way of the guy expressing true intimacy with his partner. But a more moderated use of porn, maybe even together with the partner, can be neutral or positive for a relationship ... but not, of course, if the woman doesnt feel comfortable with it. So while I can understand your search for this, what I can tell you is that while many such men exist, they are vastly outnumbered by the men who use porn, again to differing degrees.

 

I wish you the best.