Is Age Always a Factor?

[Coolcat1]

By the way, you're 17, you sound more mature than some of the people here who are twice your age. Just keep that in mind.

 

That's extremely kind of you. I still believe that maturity is not based on age, but I accept other people's opinions and definitely see what their basis is.

[luminousone]

Sounds like you had a great talk with him. Since you are a few years ahead of him in school, I wonder what your plans are for college- and will he stool be in high school when you go on to college. Then you will be able to see how you both feel.

 

You may need to let him go at some point so he can explire and date others if he feel he needs that experience to be sure of his love for you. A friend of mine went to a different university than her high school sweetheart and they each dated others a bit but now they have been married for 30 years.

 

Something for you to know is that certain portions if the brain do not finish developing until you are in your twenties and it may change a person's life goals as they mature more.

 

So it could work out for the two of you but you'll both have some hoops to get through in the process. Time will tell...

[Angel Irulan]

Is it ridiculous to expect or hope for a committed, long-term relationship with a 15 year-old boy? Is it ridiculous to ask for him to treat you properly because of his age? I keep hearing that a boy at this age is not emotionally mature and cannot feel the same things as a man twice his age.

 

How old are you?

[Coolcat1]

I am 17. My boyfriend just turned 15.

[mhowe]

The disheartening thing about this discussion is not what he said, it's his pauses and long silences and seeming lack of conviction. But when I mentioned this, he said he did have conviction. Why, then, did he say he thinks that he's in love but isn't sure because he has no similar situation to which he can compare his emotions?

 

He said it exactly -- he doesn't know if this is "love" because he has never felt this way before. He has nothing to compare it to ---

 

Again, it comes from experience.

 

I felt this way in college w/ my first real bf. He was older, he "knew" he was in love with me. I know I loved him, but "in love" --- couldn't say that....and we never got to the "same" place. Was it a wonderful experience -- yes. Did it last forever? No.

 

But it lasted 4 yrs. And we both were better people for having lived it.

[Coolcat1]

I'm glad you had a good experience in college with your first real boyfriend. However, I don't think love comes with experience. I think love can happen with your very first partner, but you may not be able to define it because you have never felt that way before. That doesn't make you any less in love.

[mhowe]

I'm glad you had a good experience in college with your first real boyfriend. However, I don't think love comes with experience. I think love can happen with your very first partner, but you may not be able to define it because you have never felt that way before. That doesn't make you any less in love.

 

You don't listen well. Or are very defensive.

 

Of course love CAN come w/ your very first partner. But again, how would you know --- if you have never felt "romantic love" before. You are arguing semantics here because YOU feel LOVE and your bf says "maybe this is love, maybe it isn't...I don't know."

 

You cannot expect someone to love you at the same level you love them. Well, I guess you can expect it -- but you may be disappointed. It is not an equation, it is an emotion.

[OvrTrubledWtr]

You're 17, you'll be going to college soon. College is a life changing experience, and believe you me you will meet people there that will be way more receptive to the idea of a relationship. He's 15. He's still a kid.

 

Plus, in most states, once you turn 18, if you have any kind of "sexual" contact with him it is illegal, and you can be labeled as a sex offender for the rest of your life.

[Coolcat1]

You don't listen well. Or are very defensive.

 

Of course love CAN come w/ your very first partner. But again, how would you know --- if you have never felt "romantic love" before. You are arguing semantics here because YOU feel LOVE and your bf says "maybe this is love, maybe it isn't...I don't know."

 

You cannot expect someone to love you at the same level you love them. Well, I guess you can expect it -- but you may be disappointed. It is not an equation, it is an emotion.

 

I'm not at all trying to be defensive. Everyone has their own opinions, right? And you seem very insightful, and your opinions seem to make a lot of sense. I just think that when you yourself feel as if you are in love, that makes it true. Like you said, love can vary person to person. So if my boyfriend says he thinks he's in love, that makes it true for him.

[Coolcat1]

You're 17, you'll be going to college soon. College is a life changing experience, and believe you me you will meet people there that will be way more receptive to the idea of a relationship. He's 15. He's still a kid.

 

Plus, in most states, once you turn 18, if you have any kind of "sexual" contact with him it is illegal, and you can be labeled as a sex offender for the rest of your life.

 

That is so true...He and I are trying to figure out what we'll do next year when it's time for college for me. I'm sure I will meet people who are ready to have a serious relationship there.

[OvrTrubledWtr]

Can you be sure that he's not just saying it because that's what you want to hear?

[Coolcat1]

Can you be sure that he's not just saying it because that's what you want to hear?

 

Well what would his reason be for lying to me? For two whole years? He is a very handsome guy, and many girls in his grade agree. He has had opportunities enough to date other attractive girls, so why stick with me, a very high-maintenance girl? I just don't understand what his motivation would be for lying. Sometimes when he tells me he loves me I can hear the truth in his voice (but obviously sometimes he does still make me feel unloved or else I wouldn't be on this forum.)

[Moontiger]

Well what would his reason be for lying to me? For two whole years? He is a very handsome guy, and many girls in his grade agree. He has had opportunities enough to date other attractive girls, so why stick with me, a very high-maintenance girl? I just don't understand what his motivation would be for lying. Sometimes when he tells me he loves me I can hear the truth in his voice (but obviously sometimes he does still make me feel unloved or else I wouldn't be on this forum.)

 

Again, this shows your age.

 

He likes you, has fun with you, and wants to keep you around, so he tells you what you want to hear. He may not be fully aware he is telling you something that isn't 100% true.

 

I think you are going to only hear what you want to hear and defend him and your relationship until the bitter end.

[OvrTrubledWtr]

Well what would his reason be for lying to me? For two whole years? He is a very handsome guy, and many girls in his grade agree. He has had opportunities enough to date other attractive girls, so why stick with me, a very high-maintenance girl? I just don't understand what his motivation would be for lying. Sometimes when he tells me he loves me I can hear the truth in his voice (but obviously sometimes he does still make me feel unloved or else I wouldn't be on this forum.)

 

Like Moontiger said, he obviously likes you, that part can't really be denied. If he didn't we'd probably be on here having a completely different conversation. But (and this is not meant to demean the feelings that you say are there, but me not being you I don't know EXACTLY what they are) he MAY be confusing strong feelings of like for love. And he's used to you and comfortable with you. The idea of dropping someone you've been dating for so long and going on to someone new is scary at any age, let alone your first long term relationship. He may be scared of hurting you and losing you, but is unsure of whether or not he can really see it going any further than here. No one ever wants to hurt the ones we care about, but alot of times we are so worried about the other person that we begin to neglect ourselves. That's usually when people start getting distant and resentful and start to pull back, so that they can get a better look at the whole picture before they come to a conclusion about what to do and get the other person involved. I know that this is something that you do not want to lose, but that's a decission and conclusion that he is going to have to come to as well.

 

It is a very hard concept for someone as young as he is to grasp. You wish you could please everyone at the same time, but sometimes you have to put yourself first and do things the way that you want, even if that means losing someone that has been a consatnt pressence for 2 years. But he will eventually make his choice, be it now or after you go off to college. And you'll just have to take that road when it comes to you.

[Coolcat1]

Okay, well thank you all for all of the answers. I appreciate the different takes on this question. However, (not to be defensive here at all), I'm not trying to hear only what I want to hear. In fact, none of these answers have been what I wanted to hear, but since they all may as well be very true, I needed to hear them. The only "defense" I am attempting to express is a more positive outlook on the situation since other replies seem to be much more negative (as they very well should have to be). My boyfriend has not only just become more distant--he's always been this way with me. Since I called him last, he has been trying much harder to express his feelings to me. He told me that he is "extremely, 100% sure" that he loves me.

 

Of course he may just be saying what he thinks I want to hear. But he has always been honest to me in the past. I've learned that I can't have a relationship without trust. Now, in this new light, I don't know what he ever did to make me not be able to trust him. Yeah, he said that he isn't sure if this is love because he's never experienced it with another person like this before, but he still strongly believes this is love. He agreed that maybe someday he'll learn love can be different, but that could happen to anyone. Love is different person to person, relationship to relationship. My adult friend truly loved her first husband, but she loved her second husband in a completely different way. That didn't make her first relationship any less of being in love. I think that is what my boyfriend was trying to say.

[Coolcat1]

Again, this shows your age.

 

He likes you, has fun with you, and wants to keep you around, so he tells you what you want to hear. He may not be fully aware he is telling you something that isn't 100% true.

 

I think you are going to only hear what you want to hear and defend him and your relationship until the bitter end.

 

I very much appreciate all of your advice and responses, Moontiger, but you don't seem to understand what I'm trying to say. I am not attempting to defend my boyfriend or my relationship; otherwise, I would not be saying that we have issues and that he doesn't usually treat me right on this forum. I've made these posts in order to have varying advice from unbiased people in order to help me to understand my situation.

 

In addition, I'm certainly not trying to appear immature and young. Maturity does not always come from age. I'll say that again. Maybe your children were or are very immature at my age, but that definitely doesn't mean all teenagers are. When I posted asking why my boyfriend would lie to me, I do not believe that was displaying immaturity by any means. I was simply speculating as to the possible reasons for his "lying." If a relationship doesn't have trust, what does it have? I know for a fact that he has never been dishonest to me about anything so major throughout our two-year relationship, at least not wittingly.

 

Maybe understanding me better would help. I know that I conduct myself with maturity. No, maybe I don't have wisdom yet because that requires more life experience, but I am not at all immature.

[Moontiger]

Never said in that post what you were immature but you were "showing your age", which once again, you are. I am 25 BTW and no kids for me yet!

 

All teenager's think they are mature, you could be, or you could not be, but lets say you are: That means you conduct yourself at the level of what? An 18, 19, 20 year old? Still way to young to really know what love is or what relationships are about (for 99.998% of people).

[shikashika]

I know 4 people... two couples who have been together since they were 14 and 15. We are now 35! Crazy... and rare, but some people can be in commited relationships from 15

[Coolcat1]

Never said in that post what you were immature but you were "showing your age", which once again, you are. I am 25 BTW and no kids for me yet!

 

All teenager's think they are mature, you could be, or you could not be, but lets say you are: That means you conduct yourself at the level of what? An 18, 19, 20 year old? Still way to young to really know what love is or what relationships are about (for 99.998% of people).

 

Okay, I won't disagree.