Can the dumpers look at the dumpee again in a different light?

[julian19]

Is it possible that after the dumpee had lost all their self respect and dignity after chasing the dumper, and the dumper looked at them with pity or no respect, lost the sexual attraction for the dumpee definitely,

 

is there a possibility that these dumpers will look at the dumpee in a different light someday, or change their view about the dumpee that they have left behind, and probably regain back the attraction?

[secondchance67]

Julian,

This kind of thinking is wasting your time.

You should spend your time thinking about your life, your plans for the next 6 months..next year, etc.

 

After a significant amount of time has passed, anyone will think differently about someone they used to care deeply for - some will have nothing but bitterness, others have fond memories after time healed any wounds the ending of the R/S had caused.

 

You need to put aside thoughts like this....they fall into the "what if" category - they are speculation at best, and few stories out of 100 that say it is indeed possible will not mean it will happen for you, each situation is as different as a snowflake, no two are alike.

 

There are always "possibilites, potenial, and if the stars lined up just right, you never know" kind of logic....but it is grasping at straws, drawing false hope from other's stories, and putting your life on hold in the hopes it may happen to you as it did for a few( lucky) others.

 

Spend your mental energies on YOU, not her.

 

What's done is done...ruminating and hoping is a time waster and a killer of progress.

[dasilver]

Julian,

 

Truth is...who will love you......will love you....no matter what.

 

Humans go through different stages of emotions for different people throughout the course of their lives.

 

There's no telling how someone will feel...1 month....1 year....10 years down the road. You yourself don't even know how you'll be feeling about your ex 6 months from now. You may not even have feelings for her anymore.

 

She on the other may dislike you now...be annoyed with you tomorrow...and fall back in love with you in 4 months later.

 

Nobody knows the future....

 

Only time will tell how someone will feel about you later....Only time will tell how you'll also feel about someone down the road.

[Sanders24]

Julian,

This kind of thinking is wasting your time.

You should spend your time thinking about your life, your plans for the next 6 months..next year, etc.

 

it is grasping at straws, drawing false hope from other's stories, and putting your life on hold in the hopes it may happen to you as it did for a few( lucky) others.

 

Spend your mental energies on YOU, not her.

 

What's done is done...ruminating and hoping is a time waster and a killer of progress.

 

I agree. Take time to reflect on yourself and stop defining yourself by someone else. The sooner you stop these kind of mental games, sooner you will regain your strength and confidence. If your ex reach out in future, you should be a stable confident individual and then you can make a healthy decision what to do. If you stay in this kind of thinking, you wont make any progress or growth and that is just not good for your sake.

[julian19]

Yes, i do appreciate that. It's just, after the break up, i can admit that i really lost my dignity and aelf respect and my ex almost pity me already after i begged her to come back. I was just wondering if someday, those negative image that she saw in me, could be possible change and she'll look at me as a decent and respectable person again. Not in a way that i want to get back with her, but maybe down the road, if we'll bump to each other if ever.

 

Same to those dumpees who have lost their dignity after chasing their ex who is also wondering.

[Minx2012]

Julian,

This kind of thinking is wasting your time.

 

Spend your mental energies on YOU, not her.

 

What's done is done...ruminating and hoping is a time waster and a killer of progress.

 

This is what you should be focusing on now. The " what ifs " are only going to prolong the pain, hinder your progress to succeed for yourself and you will miss out on all th wonderful opportunities in meeting other, better women.

[SoulSilver]

Since no one else can give you a real answer - I will . yes , they can . they are bad , but somewhat reversable , these things are "pathetic" but as long as they are not hurtful they won't leave "scars" in the memory of you , it's more of a "who you are at the present" thing . like when you go out and peoople see you in a state of a total mess , it ruins your image , but if you disappear for a while and have a makeover to yourself and look great , people are gonna re evaluate their impression on you .

 

This is how it happened in my own experience :

With my first girlfriend , she was extremely clingy , kept asking for all of my free time , was super jelaous , and any time I thought about breaking up with her she'd threaten her own life and loved me no matter how badly I treated her . and I guess , in a way this was why I was with her , because she cared for me THAT much and didn't give up on me no matter what , but after more than a year of that , we got into constant fights and I was under so much pressure and got tired of it all and asked for a "break" .

 

Soon after that I started out my life in a new school , and I kinda "got over her" really fast , got a crush on someone . thought that was all behind me , but as time passed and I got used to everything , and I realized finding love isn't that easy I wanted to check up on her . and we started chatting again and you know - she showed a different side of her , other than being a bit sad , there was no sign of the old her anywhere , the one that used to smother me and never give me a break . she was calm and collected , and did small things in her life to keep herself busy , and she looked much better . my attraction to her came back . even though I was sure I lost it all completely . and eventually I asked her if she wants to give us another try ...

 

But she said NO and started drifting away , and gave out hints that she is hanging out with other boys . and this is where everything turned around . soon enough I was the one chasing her , doing every mistake you can think of , begging for a second chance , saying I will change , getting angry at her , coming over to her place with chocolates and a stuffed animal . and when I thought that was my worst , I managed to go even lower losing my self respect completely , when she started giving out mixed signals about wanting me back , if I change to how she wants me to be , and she was bossing me around telling me how to wallk , dress , talk . and she enjoyed my over emotional reactions and took them as an ego boost .

 

I did all that because I thought I deserved it after the way I treated her . but eventually I realized this is too much and she should like me for who I am and if what I did wasn't enough to prove ehr I love ehr then nothing will and I really cut all contact with her .

 

And almost a year later she pops out of nowhere and starts chatting with me , this time I really got over her and I am care free about whatever that will lead to , plus I look a bit better , and she starts mentioning the past and , gets flirty and suggests meeting up .

 

To me it's just amazing what time can do to your image in someone's eyes , they will never forget the way you chased them , but the moment you are indifferent to them , or moved on (maybe even with someone else) they suddenly might be attracted to you again , even if maybe just because they want all that attention back ...

 

But looking at the times it happened in my life , it takes alot of time for that to happen , so it should be avoided from the start , but if it already happened , you gotta use every window (after a while of no contact) to show that you have improved yourself and that the breakup or that person don't affect you anymore a . being hostile , or too ecxited are jus going to show that it does . you gotta really be emotionaly at point zero on the scale and start over from there .

[unhappy2000]

Time is an amazing thing actually, here is one of my examples for you. I will try to make this as short as possible, the Ex before the ex I am on here blubbering about We were together about a year, I found out he was cheating on me the whole time, well actually he was with her four years so I was the other woman! Anyway he was terrible and mean to me saying he was so mad that I found out and confronted her (I simply asked if she was with him and informed her I was, we got along well as we already knew each other), he said that he was going to kill my dog and send his thugs after me if I talked to her anymore! I have never been so shocked...3 months pass he starts contacting me, dumb me falls for it as I had no one else yet and was bored I guess.

 

We see each other for a few months til I meet my current ex, I told him I was seeing someone else and realized I would never forgive him for what he did and broke up with him (granted he never made us exclusive, we were just seeing each other, while he cried about the other woman and found out she was also two timing him WHOO what a mess!). Anyway for about 5 months this guy would call me, text me etc begging me to be with him, crying on the phone how he realized he's so in love with me can't live without me, etc. I finally had to quit responding because it was annoying my now new BF, and I didn't blame him. I tried to be nice and let him down easy in the crying conversations but it wasn't working so I had to go cold turkey.

 

Anyway fast forward to last week, he called my office for something work related, he starts asking about me catching up etc. It wasn't bad at all, I didn't think of him blubbering and begging me to be with him. I have no desire to ever be with him after the things he put me through (whew love saying that!), but the point of all this is that I didn't see him as that guy, the guy who begged and pleaded to be with me. It was just nice to catch up, and had he treated me nicer throughout our relationship I might have wanted more from that call.

[Ezzie]

I think/hope it's possible! You just have to give it time and in the meantime, work on improving yourself for the better.

[rebellefleur]

Great post! I hope to god that my ex ends up as you, wanting to come back months later, just so karma can kick him in the ass. But more so because i made a complete, pathetic fool out of myself and i don't want that to be the way he remembers me.

[julian19]

i made a complete, pathetic fool out of myself and i don't want that to be the way he remembers me.

 

exactly. i would also like her impression about me changed and she remembers me in a good way, not in a pathetic and pitiful memories. So maybe yeah, we really don't know. Just let time do it's course and focus on ourselves and perhaps someday

when u bump into each other, they wont look at u in a negative view, but somehow, they'll see u in a different spotlight, not enough to want u back but at least, their memories about you becomes positive..

[SoulSilver]

Great post! I hope to god that my ex ends up as you, wanting to come back months later, just so karma can kick him in the ass. But more so because i made a complete, pathetic fool out of myself and i don't want that to be the way he remembers me.

 

Which is why in my current situation I met with the girl I was with , face to face to break up . and I came at my best looks and mood , and after hanging out a bit and being the guy I always was , I really just accepted it , told her goodbye and haven't talked with her since . as I knew I there's nothing I can say to change her mind , but I could at least leave a good impression on her and whever she comes back ro not , at least I handled it without breaking down infront of her . so I have no regrets .

 

But don't sweat it if it happened , I know exactly how it feels , just let time cool things off and use it to pick yourself up , when the chance arises you will fix that image of you .

[resilient7]

I am currently working on that same theory as Soulsilver's,It's been 3 1/2 yrs since she left me and want to see if one day my image of how low I went could possibly be changed in her eyes.Just some self gratification,not really looking to get back with her but more of a get back at her thing.

[midnightrose]

it DOES happen.....but only if you play your role of dumpee to perfection. as in: no contact, no begging, pleading, pathetic behaviour towards them....

 

seriously, act grown up and youll give yourself the best chance. but thats all youll give yourself....a POTENTIAL CHANCE, not a definite guarantee...

 

good luck

[midnightrose]

hey my ex before the current one. I cried, screamed, cursed....everything. but i didnt plead, and i left him to it really....

 

we met up yesterday for the first time in under a year and......things have changed. he has a new girlfriend, the rebound one hes still with...

 

while he may like her, i can tell that he still has feelings there for me. The way he acted with me and his general behaviour was pretty obvious..as well as him telling me hes been thinking about the past year etc. and getting uncomfortably jealous that i had a boyfriend AFTER him. so it can happen....

 

just got to play your cards right.

seriously, get your life together, look good, act confident and then when you feel like you can face him/her, then do a subtle show and tell on how great your life is. thats what i did.

 

they do not like it. but you HAVE to turn your attitude around or else its a no go area. they wont want to get back with the sad, snivelly person who needs them to survive. promise you that!

 

MY ex who met me, has an ex of a looonggggg time before me.....shes still acting like a crazy fool and he cannot stand her. he thinks shes mental, crazy and why: BECAUSE A YEAR AND A HALF LATER SHES STILL ACTING LIKE A SAD NEEDY, DRAMA QUEEN GIRL. SHE CRIES AND KICKS OFF IN FRONT OF HIM, *****ES ABOUT HIM, THEN WRITES STATUSES ABOUT HIM.

 

DO NOT BE THIS PERSON

[midnightrose]

Which is why in my current situation I met with the girl I was with , face to face to break up . and I came at my best looks and mood , and after hanging out a bit and being the guy I always was , I really just accepted it , told her goodbye and haven't talked with her since . as I knew I there's nothing I can say to change her mind , but I could at least leave a good impression on her and whever she comes back ro not , at least I handled it without breaking down infront of her . so I have no regrets .

 

 

But don't sweat it if it happened , I know exactly how it feels , just let time cool things off and use it to pick yourself up , when the chance arises you will fix that image of you .

 

 

I did this with both my current ex and the one before...

 

trust me, its the best thing you can do. because they look at you as: the girl/guy they let slip through their fingers, or the girl/guy who was cool about the breakup. really makes them second guess their decision sooner or later..

[julian19]

It's been 3 1/2 yrs since she left me and want to see if one day my image of how low I went could possibly be changed in her eyes.Just some self gratification,not really looking to get back with her but more of a get back at her thing.

 

this is exactly what i've been trying to say. you hit the bull's eye resilient7

[julian19]

MY ex who met me, has an ex of a looonggggg time before me.....shes still acting like a crazy fool and he cannot stand her. he thinks shes mental, crazy and why: BECAUSE A YEAR AND A HALF LATER SHES STILL ACTING LIKE A SAD NEEDY, DRAMA QUEEN GIRL. SHE CRIES AND KICKS OFF IN FRONT OF HIM, *****ES ABOUT HIM, THEN WRITES STATUSES ABOUT HIM.

 

DO NOT BE THIS PERSON

 

OHHH that is really something that we need to avoid ending up to. More likely, that is the kind of impression that would be really hard to change if ever. NO NO NO...

[midnightrose]

OHHH that is really something that we need to avoid ending up to. More likely, that is the kind of impression that would be really hard to change if ever. NO NO NO...

 

nope, its not changed one thing. in fact, all it did was bring me and my ex closer. SHE was the reason i texted him. because she was not being very nice about me, (ex jealousy...she gave me grief) i contacted him saying: if you still speak to her, sort it out.

 

and we ended up going for dinner.

 

that behaviour not only made him hate on her, it actually made him realise how good i was to him. SERIOUSLY. he realised i was perfect to him and it was him who ****ed us up. HIS WORDS.

 

take it from both a dumpee (me) and a dumper (him)

 

 

[SoulSilver]

midnightrose way to go girl

 

I am currently working on that same theory as Soulsilver's,It's been 3 1/2 yrs since she left me and want to see if one day my image of how low I went could possibly be changed in her eyes.Just some self gratification,not really looking to get back with her but more of a get back at her thing.

 

Wow , time moves alot faster in your world . I go through a lifetime in 3 and 1/2 days =|

[hausser]

To answer the original question, of course they can. As much of this is to with reigniting physical attraction as anything else because frankly that's why most relationships break down, loss of physical attraction.

[resilient7]

But more so because i made a complete, pathetic fool out of myself and i don't want that to be the way he remembers me.

 

Exactly!!

[hausser]

But more so because i made a complete, pathetic fool out of myself and i don't want that to be the way he remembers me.

 

 

He/she won't remember you that way if it was essentially a one off. Especially if the next time they see you, you are in good shape, well dressed having a good time and doing well for yourself.

 

I remember around 2 months post BU I started smoking again, drinking, not going to the gym etc and a very good friend of mine giving me a reality check and saying "what do you think [my ex] would think if she saw you out now?". It very, very quickly refocused my mind.

 

This is the time where you need to start focusing on the issues that caused the BU. If they were financial, get a better job or move somewhere that offers prospects. If they were attraction related, work out, read up on grooming, buy more clothes. If they were emotionally related seek counselling etc. In short aim to better yourself, whilst having fun of course. It may NEVER brig them back, BUT by the time you think you've finished chances are you'd have either met someone else or at least be very ready to.

[resilient7]

Sorry but that was a quote of someon else's story,not mine.I was just agreeing (exactly!).

 

I was agreeing because I made myself out to be a fool and this was no fault of hers but of my own.I am sure that I am very much qualified for top 5 pathetic/how low can you go guy's and most havent really humiliated themselves like I had for my ex.I just want to regain myself worth back because I look now and she was not worth it at all whatsoever and i only inflated her ego for going after her so hard.

 

Its 3+ and I am ok right now but because I am not in the same country as her so I agree with what hausser has aid and improve upon that which needs improving otherwise yur next RS is going to fail.I dont expect to bring her back and wouldnt want her back....I just want me back and get back at her,although malicious to most....I mean this as me doing better and having a successful life.