Question for the ladies about wanting experience

[nbr]

I'm posting in this thread because most here know my story.

I know the overwhelming answer from the ENA people will be "she's selfish, and she made her bed and should lie in it, but that's not the point of this post.

As you may know my wife said she wants to be free to date other people and to have sex with them.

She has expressed both a desire to have more experience and a feeling of deficiency that she is not experienced enough in bed.

We have been together since we were 16 and we are now 36. I had one sexual partner before her (and it was so unmemorable I don't remember losing my virginity to her!), my wife has only been with me.

 

My question is two fold. I wonder if there are any other women here who have been in a similar situation (limited or no other partners, and in a very LT relationship) and if they had an itch like this... And how to help her overcome it? What would "do it" for you as a woman if you were bored with your partner? What kind of things would re-ignite that lusty spark? I've tried to reassure her (she went through the not good enough in bed for me in the past) continually that she is awesome in bed, and give her honest feedback about the things she does that are so awesome.

 

I try to reassure her that in spite of a tummy that won't go away no matter what that yes she's a bit overweight, and that I love every inch of her and that she's not fat (she isn't, but she does have a big enough tummy that she looks 4-6 months pregnant, the rest of her is perfect). I point out all the good things, her butt, breasts, face, hair, legs, all being perfect.

 

I do genuinely think she's beautiful, and I enjoy lying next to her holding her, or having her laying on my shoulder (both things that have gone away lately with our issues). She knows I enjoy seeing her naked, or barely dressed. I know she has some pretty strong low self esteem issues, and body image issues (and at some level I'm happy for the combination of the tummy and body image issue, because that's part of what's keeping her from putting herself "out there").

 

So women of ENA, what do you think? How could have/did your partner re-ignite your desire in them when you were interested in new pastures? I know that fantasizing about others is normal and healthy when it stays fantasy, but in her case it's starting to cross over that line.

 

For my part I'm trimming down and muscling up (I let myself go over the last 20 too). I told her I want to be a "lady killer" again, and I want her to be able to say "that's right ladies, he's all mine!" and feel good about it.

 

We are making progress in the MFT sessions, but I want to get your advice too.

-nbr

[jimjam07]

If you want more information on opening up your relationship to new experiences, you might want to do some research first... get some practical discussion going before you find yourself dealing with unexpected dramas and potentially destroy what sounds like a good thing.

 

There is also forrums called: polyamory where there are discussions about all sort of non-traditional, non-monogamous relationships.

 

And I can recommend a book called Opening Up as a great easy read book that can be a fantastic conversation starter for people who want to continue to explore their sexuality whilst maintaining their emotionally committed relationships. It's not for everyone, but can be extremely rewarding if you and your partner communicate well and have the same ideals and expectations.

 

link removed

[nbr]

While I would consider entertaining that, I would personally rather we remain monogamous.

If all she wanted was strictly sex with another man I would consider it, but not right now, as our marriage is already in tatters and from what I've read on the subject, three ways and open relationships can be very hard on a relationship; besides she wants to date ad be romanced too, which means it's not just about sex. I honestly don't know if I could go through with it either as her out with another man or including me and right now I think it's a subject best avoided (though I may use it as a hail marry if there appear to be no other choices left, as at that point I've already lost her).

 

Aside from me rebuilding my former self, and possibly getting her to be more assertive in the bedroom (she's starting to actually say what *she* wants) and supportive of her physical and mental person, any other ideas?

-nbr

[jimjam07]

Have you talked about your feelings to her?

I can see both sides. You both started a relationship soo young, you don't know anything apart from yourselves, and your wife may feel as if she is trapped.. and she wants to date - which is totally normal if you were single.

 

I see your side, as the jealousy and you feel used and you only want to be monogamous. Which is ok.

 

But you have to talk to each other and state each other's feelings. You can't resent her for what she wants, nor she cant for you. You have to figure out what is best for you and only you.

[nbr]

I don't resent her, in fact the best friend part of me agrees with her!

The thing is I want advice on how to entice (not bully) her to stay. And yes we've talked about our feelings. She specifically doesn't think she can handle 'cheating' on me or a 3 way, hence why she asked for the separation. I'm happy that she doesn't want to cheat on me, and I'm happy that she's open about it.

 

I want feedback from other women who've had feelings like this and if their SO's were able to woo them back to not wanting such a thing.

 

I do think if we resolve our other issues this one will subside, but I figure it never hurts to add incentive

-nbr

[blueidealist24]

I read your other thread. I think your wife is selfish and as another poster said in that one, wants her cake and to eat it too. I would never pursue a three-way, especially when you have kids together! What if the kids were to find out?!

[TalkThatTalk9]

I am 28... I met my ex when I was 21. and we dated for 6 and a half years.

 

When I met my ex, I had just lost my virginity to a summer fling... so I had only been with one other guy sex wise (I had my share of fun with the guys though, so I did have "experience" with the guys....)

 

Throughout my entire relationship with him, I did not cheat on him. And as far as I know he did not cheat on me.

 

But I definitely , DEFINITELY wondered what it was like to date other guys/be with other guys. . .. more frequently than I liked.

 

I always wondered if I was missing out on guys and other experiences... especially because my ex was not a good boyfriend to me as often as he should of been

 

in the 6 years, I have to admit, there were scary moments in which I almost left him for 2 different guys. . . won't go into long stories, but I never did anything considered cheating. just fell hard for 2 guys and things could of happened but I did not allow it.

 

it's hard when you are with someone for so long.... it's hard to deal with attraction to other people, having crushes. . . all that. because you are in a relationship with someone and it is not the right way to feel. but you can't help it if you like someone else it is just whether you act on it or not.

 

those times when I was questioning our relationship, and if there was something better...he didnt really woo me back so to speak... I was scared back to reality. those guys were like... a fantasy for me when I felt like my ex was not being a good boyfriend (he usually was not) and so I imagined how perfect life would be with these other guys. but I was snapped back into reality when I realized I had a boyfriend I could have those things with if I just tried. of course in the end, I was the only one ever trying

 

but I tried focusing on fixing things with my ex because we had invested alot to each other, was not worth it to throw away over wondering about other guys. at least not to me.

 

I realized it on my own... some things you have to figure out on your own. you don't know what you have til it is gone.

 

I think you need to disappear off the radar and make her miss you.

 

but I don't think it is right for her to have you around to just do it with you whenever, and you allowing it. she seems to think she can have all her cake and eat it too by keeping you around while being with other guys? not right or fair

 

 

I can't imagine it will feel good knowing she is off with other guys

 

sorry if I have sounded rude. I read your stories and I get tired just thinking of how exhausting your life must be. you seem to always be trying to make her happy... what about you

 

I was always trying to make my ex happy and worry about us. it made me physically ill.

 

think about yourself too!

[nbr]

I read your other thread. I think your wife is selfish and as another poster said in that one, wants her cake and to eat it too. I would never pursue a three-way, especially when you have kids together! What if the kids were to find out?!

Which I think I've been clear here (and with her about), but as I said we were exploring feelings. Open communication is a must, and that includes discussing things like this. I know I don't want either of those, and frankly nor does she.

-nbr

[nbr]

Frankly I did not make her happy for the last 10 years. It is her turn (though hopefully within the marriage).

So with you, your BF not being a good man to you (treating you right, etc.) is what made it easier to fall for other guys?

If that is the case then I think I'm doing all I can for now in the self improvement area and trying to be sensitive to her needs and not being like the old me.

I suspected that the best way to 'fix' this was to fix me and she would follow, and that looks to be the case.

 

Honestly you're not being rude. When I start feeling exasperated or tired of trying to make her happy, or feeling like she's not reciprocating, I remind myself of two things (which leads to other things):

1) she's burnt out and even giving me time to improve for her is more than she has to.

2) it's penance for my past sins.

 

#1 leads to developing empathy for her situation (at least a little, I'm really not good at that). Even a shred of empathy leads to understanding, understanding leads to satisfaction with the current situation.

#2 leads to self reflection and how I can improve something else, or something nice I can do for her that also helps me (am I feeling needy? was I being too touchy-fealy and she's not in the mood to be touched like that? how about moving to a foot and calf rub? I get my physical contact to help with the needy, without the sexual arousal that leads to the touchy-fealyness that she's not wanting, and she enjoys the contact because it is relaxing rather than [what's the word... claustrophobic, closing in, constraining, invasion of personal space, etc.]).

 

Again, while I have loads to work on, we are making progress. She's starting to openly smile to me, and there have been a few kisses and quite a few embraces (yes all these went away, in spite of simple sex remaining). So she was willing to let me physically satisfy her needs, but was emotionally closed off to me. That's slowly changing. *very* slowly, but any positive change is good.

 

As to how it would feel about her being with other guys? It would *suck*. Especially if I was expected to also be there for her afterwards... But even then that would be better than losing her forever... (yes, yes, y'all can berate me for letting me be abused like that, but hold it till (and if) it ever gets there. I really don't think it will at this point.)

-nbr

[greywolf]

I think the real problem is her self-esteem, and that is something that you can't fix. That is something that she needs to work on her own with your support. Unfortunately, she seems to be going about it the wrong way. Seeking men that'll sleep wtih her will not increase her self-esteem in the long run.

[TalkThatTalk9]

I think the real problem is her self-esteem, and that is something that you can't fix. That is something that she needs to work on her own with your support. Unfortunately, she seems to be going about it the wrong way. Seeking men that'll sleep wtih her will not increase her self-esteem in the long run.

 

I agree with this... I think part of what made me like those others guys during my relationship, was they were telling me how awesome and beautiful I was. and what a great person I was. they were my guy friends, and it always made me question my relationship because my ex never told me that.

 

I am a book case on "Daddy issues" (not proud of it) I think those guys made me feel special when I wanted my ex to make me feel special.

 

it is so messed up because I should not need a man to make me feel special and my feeling good shouldn't rely on a man telling me things about myself he loves

 

I am starting to understand that now that I am single.

 

You gotta go with what your gut is telling you... if you think what you are doing is working, then if you want continue on. I just keep getting this feeling that maybe she needs that space to go out and see what is out there and if you are willing to be there in the end, then so be it.

 

this is going to sound crazy, I know how people here feel about my ex. But sometimes I wonder that if he really does need to be himself, do his thing for awhile, and go out there to see what it is like without me, then he can do that.

 

if in the end, it is me he wants, I am not going to just jump back into his arms. he is going to have to prove ALOT to me, so much in fact, that it probably won't work because he is not the type to admit wrong.

 

but if him being single for awhile is what it takes, at this point I am willing to let it happen because I need to work on myself too and I am taking this time apart to work on things that I know ruined our relationship that way if eh comes around I am changed, and if he doesn't then I will be ready for the next relationship.

 

I can't control him. all I can do is let him do what he wants and not be a door mat in the meantime.

[nbr]

I think the real problem is her self-esteem, and that is something that you can't fix. That is something that she needs to work on her own with your support. Unfortunately, she seems to be going about it the wrong way. Seeking men that'll sleep wtih her will not increase her self-esteem in the long run.

In the long run I expect it will harm her self esteem.

This is something she knows she has to deal with, and something that the therapist is aware of.

I've always told her she's beautiful, and I hope she knows (she says she does) that I'm not lying to her. She may think she's not attractive, but to me she is a goddess.

-nbr